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The hands resting on his shoulders are kind. Calming. Billy takes a deep breath, feeling how he relaxe even further. He’s never really enjoyed being touched. He’s tolerated it, sometimes it’s been acceptable but as far as he can remember, no ones touch has ever felt soothing.
Ben knew from the beginning about this and to Billy’s huge relief he’s never made a big deal about it. There is more to a relationship than sex, after all, and so Billy can decide the pace on this matter. But it still feels quite increadible for someone to accept a relationship for this long without having sex. That Ben is content with cuddles and kisses but still hasn’t even seen Billy naked. I don’t need to, he says. I already know you’re beautiful. That thought is calming too.
He’s laying on his stomach in the middle of the large bed. He’s not completely naked, he has a tovel around his hips and Ben is still dressed. Billy wants to feel his skin. He wants to want to. And his boyfriend knows that. He knows it’s not about him not being attractive or Billy being insecure. The anxiety is a barrier between them, but it’s not equally thick or high everywhere. They’ve found more and more passages and windows as the time has passed and if Billy gets frustrated or worried, Ben will always comfort him.
The lotion Ben is dotting out over his back, is specially made for massage and smells from peppermint and is, of course, vegan. Everything Ben buys is vegan. He straddles Billy’s hips, careful not to lean to heavily on him.
”Alright? Not too heavy?”
”No, it’s fine.”
Ben starts with smearing out the dots in broad, soft strokes over his skin. The hands are pausing, just resting on his shoulders to let him get used to the touch. Billy’s muscles are very tense and he can’t really decide if his boyfriend’s hands are helping or not right now.
”Take a deep breath, babe.”
Air. In and out, letting his body sink a little further down. The skin on Ben’s palms are warm and slick, but not sticky or slippery. As he continues his firm strokes, sticking to the same pattern, he talks.
”Have I told you about the time when I accidently poured cannabis oil instead of peppermint oil in a chocolate mousse?”
”You’re kidding me?”
”Nope.”
He’s laughing, not even realising the tension lowering just a little more from it.
”How the fuck is it even possible to confuse cannabis for peppermint?”
”Well, a heavy night of drinking out and then getting back to your student flat where your flatmates are making chocolate mousse for a late night snack and you remember you have peppermint oil, but forgets about the cannabis oil on the same refrigerator shelf.”
”Christ… Couldn’t you tell it didn’t smell the same?”
”I think most of my senses were very low function that night.”
The palms add a little more pressure now. Just enough to make his shoulders ache from the touch, but in a good way. Billy can feel his body screaming in protest, the stress that has made itself too comfortable under his skin and doesn’t want to leave. It’s painful and in the same time soothing. It hurts, but Ben can make some of the pain leave.
They’ve talked about this several times before doing it. To make any possible panic attacks or other problems feel less surprising and worrying. Nausea. Dizziness. Crying. A bloody boner. Ben has read a lot about this to help him. Together they’ve looked at articles about how massage can affect different people. They’ve experimented with closeness, trying to make Billy’s struggling body and mind understand that there’s no pressure. And it has worked better than any of them thought. The meds that helps Billy dealing with the depression and anxiety, also cause a major lack of sex drive and combined with his difficulties with being touched… well that’s, to put it mildly, quite a big obstacle.
”How are you feeling, babe?”
”Good… The thing you did with my left shoulder, just below the scapula…”
”Like this?”
He feels an increasing pressure from Ben’s thumb, right at the sore spot and he hisses.
”Yeah… that’s it. Fuck, what is that?”
”A myofascial trigger point.”
”In English, please?”
”Lets just say they’re areas in your muscles that get extra sore from tension and stress. A kind of knots. And you are very tense, so I’m not surprised it hurts. You want me to stop?”
”Not if you think it’ll help.”
”But it’s not supposed to ache in a bad way, babe.”
”It doesn’t. And I trust you.”
He really does. Ben is patient, calm and caring. He knows what he’s doing and will stop at any moment if it’s too much. In those moments when Billy’s been angry, frustrated, panicked or cried from his obstacles and discomfort, his messy, distracted, vegan metalhead of a boyfriend has been his safety and comfort. Billy’s demons don’t scare him. And he’s evicting some of them from the homes they’ve tried to make inside Billy’s body.
The way Ben takes control of the chaos using nothing but his bare hands, somehow makes Billy’s body and mind yield a bit more. The touch is firm but never brusque and as the lean, warm hands travel their planned route down Billy’s spine, the tension is slowly bleeding from sore spots, dissolving under the sensitive fingers. They reach deep without intruding.
Ben doesn’t comment what he’s seeing. He’s longed to see Billy naked, but most of all to feel him. Billy isn’t shy and definately not uncomfortable with nakedness as such or seeing Ben naked. His own discomfort is about some kind of anxiety and the fact that he’s never liked anyone’s touch before. Not anyones, not anywhere. He has a beautiful body and other peoples gazes make him anxious. They way some people either ask if they can touch his arms, or even grab them without asking, always make him scream inside. It’s always easier when Ben’s with him. When Billy doesn’t know how to avoid an unwelcomed look or touch, Ben’s firm hand holding his, sooths him and becomes a barrier for unwelcomed touches. His boyfriend’s light blue eyes can look very, very hostile and they keep hands away far better than Billy’s huge biceps.
”Ouch!”
”Quite a big knot here, babe.”
”Yeah… I can feel that. Fuck!”
”You want me to stop?”
”No-ooo, holy shit! Where do you even find these fuckers?!”
”In places where they shouldn’t be. But you’re getting quite red now, so I’ll leave the shoulders now.”
”Not to sound ungrateful, but thank God.”
Soft hair, warm lips. A comfort kiss on each shoulder before the hands move further down. The lower back muscles and the area around the tailbone are also sore and tense, but can take more pressure and Billy’s feeling more and more relaxed. The bloodflow is reaching everywhere, bringing life and circulation to all the sore spots Ben’s hands are waking up. A flow streaming through his lower back and hips, spreading to every corner of his body and waking up an urge that hasn’t been active in years.
He’s not feeling uncomfortable from it yet, stangely enough. Maybe all the conversations they’ve had about it, along with Ben’s utter patience and relaxation on the matter, really help. The fingers working effectively on the muscles of his hips and buttocks, are not teasing or wandering off where they shouldn’t be. And as Billy’s body keeps giving in to relaxation, his cock is so hard it aches.
”Babe…”
”Yeah?”
”Can I ask you something?”
”Of course.”
”Um… This is just fucking wonderful what you’re doing but…”
”You’re hard?”
”As hell.”
He can’t help but laugh and Ben laughs too. They’re not exactly unprepared for this, but it’s still a bit irritating. Billy’s not ready for sex. Too much sensations and anxiety to deal with in one go. Ben presses a soft kiss on his neck.
”Actually, it’s a good thing, you know. Blood flowing as it should again.”
”I know.”
”If you want me to stop, I stop, you know that. And if you want to ignore your cock and keep going with the massage, we’ll do that.”
He knows that. It’s his body, as Ben has said so many times. Billy and no one but Billy decides who can touch him and when and where. The position on the bed is very comfortable and just the thought of moving now as he’s getting so relaxed, is a no way. He wants to stay just like this and maybe… Yes, maybe they could…
”Um… If… if it’s alright with you, you think you could… um… use your fingers?”
They’ve never even given each other a handjob before and the pace feels ridiculous, as does his question, but his boyfriend simply leans down to kiss his hair.
”Gladly.”
It’s been years since he let anyone this close. Ben begins by pulling a blanket over his sore back to keep the newly massaged muscles warm and relaxed. Then he slicks his fingers with oil and brushes very lightly over the tailbone before sliding between the cheeks and just slip the finger all the way down over the hole, passing it without pressing inside. Billy hisses by the feeling and the muscles in his thighs and buttocks are tensing again.
”Take a deep breath, babe. I’ll just stay like this for a while, I wont do anything without asking you first.”
He knows that, but it’s still calming to hear it again. He needs the confirmation. The shallow brushings are teasing and make him even harder. Leaking. He can’t remember the last time that happened. Anxiety, depression and meds have decreased these functions, these urges for so long now he doesn’t really know the last time his body responded naturally to this. Ben’s slick, lean finger feels good, but it’s not enough.
”More… please… Inside…”
The relaxation, the warmth and comfort he’s feeling after the massage has spread to this area as well and he moans when the long finger enters him, moving in slow strokes.
”Is it good, babe?”
”Yes… very… Are you sure it’s… fine with you? You know I can´t…”
”It’s more than fine, Billy. Try not to think, alright?”
Maybe the massage helped better than they both thought. Or maybe it’s just the overall patience and acceptance that make it possible. Billy doesn’t care now. Not with one of Ben’s glorious fingers being two, slick and warm, making his hips squirm and press down the mattress. The lust he’s been lacking for so long now, seem to have come back to life just a little, just enough for him to long for more of Ben’s touch.
”Still alright?”
”God yes… Just… keep it like this…”
It feels like years since he’s been this relaxed in bed with anyone. There are no expectations and Ben repeats that with his calm voice, over and over. His fingers are three now, making Billy moan and push back. His whole body is sore without being in pain, so relaxed and it feels so good he doesn’t even need more touch to his cock than the friction from the towel.
When he comes for the first time in months, it’s with a loud panting, almost a whimper because it was so long ago his body could allow him this without shutting down. Ben pulls his fingers out immediately, arrange the blanket around him again and takes his hand, offering something to hold on to while coming down.
He doesn’t kiss, doesn’t touch Billy now. He’s just there, ever patient and safe. Long minutes of breaths slowly becoming less fast, heartbeats slowing down as Billy feels his body go completely relaxed and so heavy it feels like it could sink through the mattress. Ben is laying on his side, facing him but with his eyes closed. His eyelashes are long and dark against his cheek. Billy smiles.
”How do you do to make me feel so good?”
”Don’t know, but I’m very glad you think I do.”
Ben doesn’t say how happy he gets from knowing this. He doesn’t want Billy’s insecurity to wake up now by expressing his own. Doesn’t want to add more emotions as they’ve just managed to experience some that would’ve been impossible to dive into some months ago. Ben wants him. Sometimes he wants his boyfriend so badly it makes his body ache for real, but Billy can’t give him that yet. And Ben can wait. He smiles at the scared, brave man he loves more than anything and anyone in the world.
”I happen to have an unopened package of mint chocolate ice cream…”
”Is that so?”
”Yep. Would you like some?”
”You think I can eat without drooling now? I feel like all my bones and muscles have turned to liquid.”
”You could always eat it like Betsy.”
”True. Where is she, by the way?”
”There.”
Ben points at the nightstand. Betsy lies with her paws folded under her belly, looking at her human dad and his boyfriend with very unimpressed eyes. Billy smiles at her, suddenly feeling a bit too much and Ben can feel it, so he moves to leave the bed, giving Billy more space.
”She doesn’t know it’s rude to look at people having sex, that little peeper.”
”Give her to me…”
Betsy isn’t always in the mood to be lifted, but she loves Billy and as soon as she’s on the bed, she moves to walk on his legs, purring. Ben doesn’t bother dressing before he goes for the ice cream. He just waits until he’s outside the bedroom before he lets his little smile become a big, happy grin. And crying while making ice cream portions, has never felt less sad.
THE END