Work Text:
Bacon sits at his kitchen table. He is staring blankly at his digital bank statement flashing bright red.
Bacon: (furious) EIGHT HUNDRED AND FORTY DOLLARS FOR FORTY-TWO PIZZAS?! HOW IS THAT EVEN MATHEMATICALLY POSSIBLE FOR ONE PERSON TO CONSUME IN A SINGLE AFTERNOON?!
Noob: (innocently) The delivery guy said it was a family-sized combo pack deal, but I don't have a family so I just ate them all myself. Also, the stuffed crust was legendary.
Bacon: You used my debit card! My primary debit card! Every single cent of my savings account is gone because you wanted extra garlic dipping sauce and stuffed crust!
Noob: But Bacon, money is just a social construct invented by the Bloxburg government to keep us from buying infinite arcade tokens at the local mall.
Bacon: That is it! No more cards, no more cash, and definitely no more online shopping sprees. I am locking everything down right this second.
Bacon storms out of the kitchen and grabs his car keys from the hook by the front door. He is slamming the door behind him with a resounding crash.
Bacon: (determined) I am going straight to the electronics superstore. Nobody steals my hard-earned Robux for pepperoni disks ever again!
Bacon marches into the high-tech electronics superstore downtown. He is pushing a metal shopping cart with a deeply determined scowl.
Bacon: I need something impenetrable. Something with lasers, retinal scans, DNA verification, and a self-destruct mechanism if anyone looks at it funny.
Store Clerk: This is the Titan-Vault 9000. It features quantum encryption, seismic sensors, and a fingerprint lock that only recognizes your specific DNA strand.
Bacon hands over his remaining cash eagerly. He is taking the heavy box into his arms with a sense of immense relief.
Bacon: Perfect. Noob will never, ever get his clumsy pixelated fingers on my money again. This is absolute perfection.
Bacon drives back home at breakneck speed. He is gripping the steering wheel like his life depends on it.
Bacon: Just a few more minutes and my finances will be safe inside an indestructible fortress of solitude.
Bacon: Okay, step one: register my primary fingerprint. Step two: facial recognition retina scanner calibration. Step three: lock the wallet safely inside.
Bacon carefully slides his leather wallet containing his backup credit card and emergency cash into the vault's velvet-lined interior. He hears a satisfying hydraulic hiss as the heavy steel door slams shut.
Bacon: (triumphant) There! Safe and sound. Not even a master thief with a diamond drill could ever crack this masterpiece of modern engineering.
Noob lurks quietly behind the sofa. He is peering over the top cushion with wide, curious eyes.
Noob: Ooh, it glows like a neon sign at the Robloxian nightclub downtown. That must mean it's full of rare event items or ultra-valuable limited edition fedoras.
Bacon: Don't even think about it, Noob! That safe is locked tight. You cannot open it, you cannot touch it, and you certainly cannot use it to buy more pepperoni disks!
Noob: (innocently) Oh, I would never try to hack a high-tech quantum vault. That sounds like way too much math and reading instruction manuals.
Bacon grabs his jacket and car keys. He is heading out the front door to clear his head at the local park.
Bacon: (confident) I'll be back in an hour. Don't touch anything in the house, especially the safe!
The front door clicks shut firmly. He is leaving Noob alone in the living room with the Titan-Vault 9000.
Noob walks slowly toward the heavy metallic box. He is tapping his chin thoughtfully.
Noob: Bacon said I couldn't crack the code. He said I couldn't use fingerprints or iris scans or retinal verification lasers.
Noob crouches down beside the safe. He is examining the high-tech glowing biometric keypad with utter disdain.
Noob: (dismissive) Why bother pushing buttons when the whole box is right here? This is completely illogical.
Noob reaches down with both hands, gripping the heavy steel handles welded securely onto the sides of the vault.
Noob: (straining) Okay, it's heavier than a crate of Robloxian bloxy cola, but my lifting stats are maxed out from carrying all those empty pizza boxes!
Noob: Who needs a password when you can just take the whole bank vault with you? Bacon is a genius for giving it convenient carrying handles.
Noob drags the massive titanium box across the living room rug. He is leaving a deep groove in the carpet fibers.
Noob: Almost to the front door. Just need to pivot around the coffee table without knocking over the lamp.
Noob: (bursting out the front door) Onwards to commerce! My stomach demands satisfaction!
Noob trudges down the main sidewalk of Roblox City. He is balancing the massive titanium safe squarely on his shoulder. Pedestrians scatter in all directions as Noob wobbles down the avenue, whispering among themselves in absolute astonishment.
Noob: Excuse me! Heavy security equipment coming through! Watch the pixels, people!
Megan: Is that guy carrying a bank vault? Where did he even get a government-issue titanium security box?!
A police officer stops in his tracks, staring open-mouthed at Noob carrying a multi-million-dollar government-grade biometric vault down the public street.
Police Officer: Halt right there, citizen! Is that a stolen high-security vault containing classified state secrets?
Noob: Nope! It's just my piggy bank. I'm taking it out for a nice little morning walk to get some fresh air and exercise.
Police Officer: Honestly, that sounds like a civil matter and my shift ended five minutes ago. Carry on, just don't drop it on anybody's virtual toes.
Noob: (relieved) Wow, Roblox police officers are super helpful these days. I love living in a functioning society.
Noob pushes open the glass doors of the 24-7 Blox-Mart convenience store. He is panting heavily as he drops the Titan-Vault 9000 onto the linoleum floor with a deafening crash.
Noob: Whew! Delivery complete. Now, where is the manager?
The Store Clerk behind the counter jumps nearly five feet into the air. He is clutching a bag of potato chips to his chest in sheer terror. Noob walks up to the counter confidently. He is slamming his hand down on the glass display case with absolute authority.
Store Clerk: WHAT IS THAT THING?! Did you just rob a high-security federal reserve?! Get that terrifying piece of machinery out of my store right now!
Noob: (businesslike) Listen, buddy, I know a lucrative investment opportunity when I see one. This is a state-of-the-art biometric titanium vault equipped with quantum encryption and fingerprint scanning.
Store Clerk: (skeptical) Okay... and why are you bringing a multi-thousand-dollar security vault into a convenience store that sells stale cheese puffs and energy drinks?
Noob leans in close conspiratorially. He is lowering his voice as if sharing a top-secret global conspiracy. The Store Clerk stares at the massive titanium box. He is calculating the sheer metal scrap value versus the single paper plate of leftover greasy fried chicken sitting in the breakroom microwave.
Noob: Because I am hungry. And my roommate locked my funds away in here. But since you are a smart businessman, I am willing to trade this entire high-tech safe to you for... one plate of fried chicken.
Store Clerk: Wait... you want to trade a high-security vault for a single plate of fried chicken? Are you completely out of your mind?
Noob: Take it or leave it, my friend. But hurry up, because my stomach is growling louder than a V8 engine.
Store Clerk: Deal! Take the chicken, take the fries, take whatever you want just get that heavy metal box out of my doorway before the corporate inspector sees it!
Noob grabs the plate of fried chicken with a triumphant grin, leaving the Titan-Vault 9000 sitting right in the middle of the convenience store floor. Noob strolls out of the convenience store with his precious plate of poultry, then he finds a nice sunny bench in the nearby public park.
Noob: Pleasure doing business with you! If you ever need a titanium box to store your cheese puffs, you know who to call!
Bacon unlocks the front door of his house, carrying a bag of groceries and feeling much calmer after his relaxing walk in the park. Bacon steps into the living room, freezing dead in his tracks with his jaw dropped open in horror.
Bacon: THE SAFE! THE SAFE IS GONE! HOW IS THAT EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?! IT WEIGHS THREE HUNDRED POUNDS!
Bacon: (dropping the groccery bags) NOOB! NOOB, GET DOWN HERE RIGHT THIS INSTANT! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE MULTI-THOUSAND-DOLLAR BIOMETRIC VAULT?!
Bacon: He didn't hack it... He didn't pick the lock... Did he pick the entire house up and carry the vault away?! What kind of cartoon physics is this?!
Bacon sprints out the front door, launching into a desperate search across Roblox City to track down his missing safe and his elusive roommate. He races down Main Street, scanning every storefront, alleyway, and park bench for any sign of a yellow-skinned Robloxian carrying heavy metallic objects.
Bacon: I am going to find him, and when I do, I am locking him inside a cardboard box with no Wi-Fi for a month!
Bacon: Has anyone seen a titanium biometric safe? Glowing blue lights? Worth more than my entire car?
Patty: Oh, you mean that weird guy sitting by the fountain? He was eating chicken over there earlier, but now he's trying to attack a metal box with cutlery.
Noob: Wait a minute... I traded the safe for dinner, but I completely forgot to check if there was a chocolate lava cake or ice cream compartment inside the vault!
Bacon: (frantic) NOOB, STOP WHATEVER INSANITY YOU ARE CURRENTLY PERFORMING!
Noob sits comfortably on the stone edge of the public park fountain, happily licking grease off his fingers after finishing every last bite of the fried chicken.
Store Clerk: HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BACK?!
Noob: I need to swap back! I ate the chicken, but I forgot to check for dessert. Here is your plate, can I please have my security vault back?
Store Clerk: Take it! Take the box, take the plate, take your sanity and never come back into my store again!
Noob: (hoists the heavy safe back onto his shoulder) Right, time to find the secret bakery compartment. Bacon said this thing was high-tech, so it definitely has a built-in pastry warmer.
Noob reaches into his pocket, pulling out a flimsy, bendy white plastic fork from a takeout bag, beginning to aggressively stab at the titanium biometric keypad.
Noob: Come on, open up! I know there's a tiramisu or a sundae hiding behind these quantum encryption circuits!
Bacon: WHAT... WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING TO MY THREE-THOUSAND-DOLLAR BIOMETRIC SAFE WITH A PLASTIC FORK?!
Noob: Oh, hey Bacon! I was just checking for dessert. You really should have mentioned that this high-security vault doesn't come pre-loaded with post-meal sweets.
Bacon: Dessert... You traded my life savings for fried chicken, traded it back, and now you're trying to eat titanium with a plastic fork looking for cake?!
Noob: Exactly! Though to be fair, this fork is really struggling against the quantum encryption. Do you happen to have a metal spoon?