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Exy still can’t call Hyunjung by her stage name ‘Seola’ after all this time.
Having a stage name is a way of branding oneself, a form of rebirth. Image marketing. Most members remain the same off-cam and on-cam, though with their stage names, sometimes it feels like meeting someone for the first time all over again.
Sojung doesn’t mind being Exy for all the world cared. She likes the name. Jiyeon and Bona took some time getting used to mainly because the name reminded her of f(x)’s Krystal role in The Heirs. Juyeon and Eunseo are one; the name fit her perfectly like a glove that it still amazes Exy to this day. Yeoreum and Jinsook, well, Exy knows Yeoreum more than Jinsook, since she's one of the last ones to be added to the group.
But Seola feels like acid on Exy’s tongue, a name she’d rather not speak should she have a choice.
“Seola? What kind of a name is Seola?” Exy laughs when she first hears it.
“What kind of a name is Exy? Please.” Seola deadpans. “That’s just sexy without the s.”
“Exy is cool and edgy. Where does yours come from?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you look it up?”
Soon Exy finds out among other various references that Seola is a book published in 1878; a translation of an ancient journey written by a woman named Seola, a biblical character, a wife of one of Noah’s sons.
Exy doesn’t make fun of her Seola after that, although she still calls her Hyunjung except on broadcasts.
People can’t seem to tell the difference between Seola and Hyunjung and Exy hates it.
i.
Seola reminds her of something not quite right; a light drizzle in high noon, a crown stolen from the rightful heir, tears hidden under the pretense of apathy.
Hyunjung reminds her of laughter in the moonlight; an hour past twelve, lilting promises of spending the weekends and holidays together even after debut.
+
It’s not something the members openly talk about but Seola’s got the biggest pride. Exy wishes Seola didn’t have to swallow it in full whenever people ask about her age, weight and how long she trained.
Being friends with someone for a long time has its limits. Exy can’t remember when or who started it but somewhere in the middle they drifted too far apart to be pulled back together.
Even Eunseo says so.
Exy misses their years as trainees yet it’s a place she never wants to go back to. Being a trainee was never easy. It’s a limbo; perpetually suspended in flight above an endless ocean, waiting for a breeze strong enough to send them to shore.
They lived each day on surges of ambition and died each night starving on a meal per day because they were criticized for their weight. Being with Seola made it all worthwhile.
The change was laughable at first because it was so inevitable yet so astonishing. Two girls, barely out of adolescence, turned lionhearts propelled by dreams and desire, relentless and invulnerable.
At a time when more than a dozen trainees graduated all at once, acquaintances and some almost friends, Exy and Seola spared them neither words nor tears nor pity.
Up to this day Exy wonders just how rigid they've become.
ii.
Seola reminds her of Soobin; secrets whispered into giggles and stolen kisses when they think no one else sees them; never running out of things to talk about, twenty seconds of heartfelt unbroken stares during duets because together they sound like a choir of angels.
Hyunjung reminds her of them; trapped in the days of their youth, knowing side-glances and smirks; treading through the chaos of the world together, barefoot and fingers twined, words too fast to be comprehended by anyone else with hip-hop blasting from the speakers.
+
“For a group with thirteen members, you spend a lot of time with Soobin.” Exy says, pretending not to care.
Seola’s smiles fondly. “She’s adorable.”
“I’m sure she is.”
“Is that jealousy I hear, Chu Sojung?” Seola drops her pizza dramatically.
Exy’s gotten so good at pretending that her lies manage to eat through her words easily. She scoffs. “You wish. I’ve had enough of you, Kim Hyunjung.”
“We basically spent almost half of our lives together, you think I haven’t had enough of you as well?” Seola’s frown turns to an accidental pout.
“I didn’t know Weepinbell would be paying us a visit today.” Exy says flatly.
Seola gives her that signature look of hers. A mix of resentment and indifference, cold and angry and uncaring rolled into a drop of her lips and a glare of her huge round eyes.
Exy believes Seola picked it up from being the Sagittarius representative but she loves it all the same.
iii.
Seola is a masterpiece by a world-class painter; layered with hundreds of shades of all named colors, brush tipped with acrylic and oil and watercolor.
Hyunjung is a single smear of leftover paint of an unknown color on the first page of Exy’s diary.
+
Unlike the rest of the members, whose beds mostly composes of stuffed plushies, fantaken photos, gifts, and several pillows, Seola’s bed contained nothing else but a single pillow and a crumpled blanket. When they were trainees, Exy used to put a random plushie in the middle of Seola’s bed to annoy her.
Imagine Exy’s surprise when she finds a stack of coloring books on the corner of Seola’s bed. Exy waves the pile up in the air, unable to hold her laughter. “Coloring books? What are you, five?”
“Mei Qi’s also into coloring books. She’s pretty good.” Bona says, as she continues to rearrange their cosmetics on the dresser. “Not a child’s coloring book, though.”
It’s been a long time since Exy last saw Seola’s face just as red. “T-They’re not for me.”
Bona clears her throat. “Unnie, I suggest you get the ones for adults.”
“I did, originally. But I was in a such rush that I picked the ones in the wrong pile.”
The grin on Exy’s face drops. She puts the coloring books back. “Oh. Were these for Soobin?”
Exy mumbles a curse under her breath a second later because Soobin’s peaking from the doorway.
“I heard my name.”
Seola is quick on her feet. She blocks the door with her arms. “Not another step, young woman.”
Exy shoves the coloring books even further away from Soobin’s line of sight just in case.
“Why not? This is my room too!” Soobin pouts.
“Because I said so. Weren’t you supposed to show me some cicada skins?”
“Unnie, don’t lie! You’re disgusted by my collection. What are you hiding?” Soobin protests but Seola traps her in a tight hug and drags her step by step back into the living room.
“Show me your collection. I promise I’ll look at them with both eyes open.”
If Xuan Yi didn’t walk in right after Seola and Soobin are out of sight, Exy thinks she might’ve been unable to hide the frown plastered on her lips.
iv.
Seola is spoken out of obligation; the eldest, the first name Exy utters after introducing herself as the leader. Before broadcast, Exy practices saying ‘Seola’ at least a dozen times because her lips keep on rejecting the syllables.
Hyunjung is spoken out of desire; reverence and divinity from her lips. Exy thinks she might be a little obsessed with the idea of her, but what’s life without risks?
+
All thirteen of them sit around the table in the living room surrounding grilled meat, boxes of fried chicken, pig’s feet, and several bottles of soju and beer. The younger ones, Eunseo, Cheng Xiao, Mei Qi, Dayoung, Yeoreum and Yeonjung, stay up as well but they just eat.
Besides, who else babysits the older ones when they wreck havoc in their drunken stupor?
Usually Exy can hold her alcohol but in times like these, surrounded by the comfort of her members, it feels safer to drink a lot more. Beside her, Yeoreum throws in a fit of laughter after pointing out Exy’s been holding to a chicken wing for almost an hour.
“Shut up,” is all Exy can say before finally finishing her food.
“Do you want another?” Yeoreum offers, holding out a newly-opened box. “We’ve got plenty.”
Exy’s unsure whether Yeoreum’s making fun of her but she fishes out another one anyway.
On her far right, Dawon is speaking in careful English again, lecturing Dayoung who looks thoughtful with her arms crossed over her chest. After a few seconds of eavesdropping, Exy realizes Dayoung is just repeating everything Dawon said.
Near the kitchen, Luda’s gotten herself in a situation by challenging Mei Qi and Cheng Xiao in Chinese language expertise.
“Unnie, we’re Chinese.” Mei Qi says, as politely as she can. “And there’s two of us.”
“Did you just- assume I can’t beat you two?” Luda asks, her voice a little louder than usual.
“No, no, unnie. We didn’t say anything like that.” Cheng Xiao had to pause her fit of laughter.
“Repeat what you said a while ago, Meng Mei Qi.”
Mei Qi sighs and calls for Yeonjung quick, who’s enjoying a serving of grilled meat, to help her and Cheng Xiao. Mei Qi sidetracks Luda by talking about all sorts of games while Cheng Xiao and Yeonjung discuss strategies.
On the corner of her eye across the food and drinks, Xuan Yi and Bona share whispers and air kisses. Bona seems to be telling a story with her hand gestures but keeps on stuttering. Xuan Yi peppers her with kisses all over her face and nods enthusiastically.
On her other side, Eunseo is feeding Soobin who has her head on Seola’s lap, who’s spacing out, a half-empty bottle of soju in her hand.
Among the ones who are drinking, Luda looks the most drunk; disheveled hair and uncontrollable loud giggles and all. Or Seola, who’s either probably too sober or too drunk. There’s no in-between.
Then Dawon, followed by Bona, Soobin and Exy.
Xuan Yi is the least drunk (in fact, Exy has never seen Xuan Yi blind drunk before. Exy suspects dried seaweed might have something to do with it).
Or Seola.
After a long while, Eunseo suggests a game of Never Have I Ever with the younger ones asking the questions because just eating while watching their unnies drink isn’t fun at all.
Everyone gathers back, a row of shots in the middle of the table.
Exy tells Yeoreum it’s a bad idea. Yeoreum kneels behind her and massages her back, “You can do it, unnie. You’ve played this game countless times before.”
“Exactly,” Exy sighs. She isn’t anyone’s moral compass.
“Never have I ever skipped school.” Yeonjung starts.
“That’s been asked every time we play this. It’s unfair!” Luda protests.
Yeonjung shrugs.
Exy, Seola, Bona, Luda and Dawon reach for drinks simultaneously. Soobin tells Eunseo she’s a real angel, to which the latter just nods.
Mei Qi steps out and says, “Never have I ever fallen in love with someone other than my family.”
Everyone’s hands are up in the air. They all drink except Bona, who looks about to reach her limit. Xuan Yi takes two shots in her place.
“What kind of questions are these?” Seola asks. “Where are the A-Grade questions?”
“Unnies, please don’t complain. It’s not like we’re getting you drunk or anything.” Eunseo says as she finishes her drumstick clean. “Never have I ever fallen in love with someone more than a friend in this room.”
Eunseo raises her hand right after she speaks. Cheng Xiao turns and raises her hand too. They smile at each other when their eyes meet.
Xuan Yi has her hand high, earning a lot of raised eyebrows. She shrugs slightly, pressing a finger to her lips, and gestures to Bona who’s dozed off on her shoulder.
Exy doesn’t know whether Xuan Yi’s telling them to lower their voices or that she harbors feelings for Bona.
Either way, this doesn’t take Exy by surprise.
What takes her by surprise, however, is when heads shift to her next as if they’re waiting for something.
“Oho, leader-nim!” Dayoung exclaims.
Exy realizes her hand is up in the air as well. She pulls it back down in surprise. If the past hours didn’t tip her in the slightest, the three consecutive shots and palpable pressure has her stomach coiled in all kinds of knots.
Her vision turns hazy but she sees Soobin peck a kiss on Seola’s jaw as clear as day.
It’s Exy’s drunken state; the jumbled words and unleashed curses that she kept hidden beneath her tongue for so long that overturns everyone’s jaded expressions with either curiosity or concern - or both.
Yeoreum pries her fingers open because she’s been holding a bottle too tight.
Eunseo’s tall frame comes into view. “Unnie, let’s get you to bed.”
Exy feels arms and bodies helping her up to her feet. She shrugs them away and stands on her own. She manages for a couple of seconds before everything tilts extremely to the left; the table, the drinks, Luda's lopsided grin. She waits for the floor but it doesn’t come.
Her beloved maknae Yeoreum is shouldering all her weight, calling for help, half-laughing because she’s never carried someone’s entire dead weight until now.
Eunseo coaxes words into Exy’s ear. There’s Mei Qi too, telling her to stay strong for a little longer because they can’t have her vomit all over the living room.
“Wait. I have something to say.” Exy tugs on their waists and shirts, puts her weight back and makes herself heavier.
Nobody cares what she thinks. Nobody cares what she says. She is just a figurehead after all, with Seola pulling all the strings. Her strings; unraveling at the seams, one by one until there’s nothing left but shards and jagged edges because that’s all she really is.
“Hyunjung, listen.”
Everyone’s shock materializes into silence. Across the table and with everyone’s attention on her (even Bona stirs), Exy stares at Seola, who gives her that knowing Sagittarius look all over again, and forces the bile down her throat.
“I’ve always been in love with you.”
vi.
Seola is a name given by the company.
Hyunjung is a person Exy holds most dear.
+
The dawn is breaking. The late dance practice scheduled for the night was canceled, but not before everyone has chugged bottles of energy drinks. Everyone is quiet but the collective restlessness sweeps them in little groups and small talks.
Exy sees cracks of light filtering through the new curtains, Yeonjung and Luda wrapped in three blankets by the corner, Dayoung’s grin clouded in mischief as she slaps the inside of Yeoreum’s elbow.
She hears a long stream of Chinese, Mei Qi, Xuan Yi and Cheng Xiao's soft voices hushed in whispers. Exy likes it when the Chinese members talk among themselves in newfound freedom, excited and unrestricted.
Seola remains seated beside her, as they have seated beside each other all these years. It’s become a natural instinct to stick together. Though not so much these past weeks; Seola and Soobin have become inseparable.
“Old habits die hard.” Seola says when Exy asks why she isn’t with Soobin. “Besides, you looked lonely.”
Exy glances at her and chuckles. They don’t speak for a while. With others, the silence becomes uncomfortable but with Seola, Exy feels at home. She drowns all the other noises down, cherishes Seola because this is as rare as an opportunity can get. Exy wonders what it would be like if it's really just them now, hand-in-hand, two against the world just like before.
“Did you mean it?” Seola asks, breaking the silence, but neither of them turn to look at each other. “When you said you’ve always been in love with me. Sojung-ah, did you mean it?”
“Yes.” Exy replies without hesitation.
“I loved you, too, you know. Back then.” Seola says. “We were young and easy to love.”
Exy feels the suffocation, the broken pieces of her, piercing, tearing heart and flesh as if it’s not hers. She manages to look away before a tear streaks down her face. “I know.”
vii.
Seola is an unfinished thought; a bird taking flight without a destination.
Hyunjung is a dream; a memory fading in time.
+
If you ask Exy to choose between Seola and Hyunjung, she will always choose Hyunjung.
It’s easier to love a memory.