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Aston Machan loves her boyfriend.
It didn't happen all at once, there wasn't a single moment where she just… knew. Like most things, it happened so slowly she barely noticed. But if she had to guess at when it started… it was probably when she first became herself.
She liked him well enough when they first met – so few people noticed the new kid in the quiet corner of the cafeteria that 'he' almost felt like 'he' was invisible sometimes. Like the teacher would just forget to call 'his' name one day. So when the Student Council President himself decided to sit with the lonely 'boy', 'he' was happy.
By all accounts, he should have been strict. Machan hadn't yet heard the rumors of the strict 'Emperor' of the student council at that point, and maybe if she had, she would have been scared off. She would have lost out on the chance to make a wonderful friend. He didn't sit with her just because she was alone, after all, but because he was lonely too.
He was thoughtful. Kind and gentle, but firm when he needed to be; he never let her slack on her studies, but he never stood by when others walked over her either. He always saw her when others didn't.
He was also, though she'd never have admitted it back then… kinda funny. The horrible puns were bad, but it was in an almost endearing way that usually had her giggling despite herself.
It shouldn't have come as too big of a surprise when, after a long day helping him plan out the decorations for the school festival, seeing him care so much about ensuring the students had a good time… she leaned in and kissed him.
Oh, those few seconds frozen in time were some of the scariest in her life. She wasn't sure if he liked 'boys' – she didn't think she liked boys either, until he showed up!
When he pushed aside his work to wrap his arms against her… oh, she could have cried. She still cries a bit now, just remembering it.
It was actually hearing him call her his 'boyfriend' that got her started on her path. She knew she liked him, she really did! He was so perfect, so why… why did hearing that word hurt?
It became a bit clearer once the 'sirs' and 'misters' started hurting too. Once a few hasty Noodle searches yielded a whole new world of possibility. It took months of figuring herself out, deciding what it is she wanted to do, who she wanted to be… to say nothing of when she realized the yearning she felt when she watched races and winning lives on TV. When she watched his cousin Sirius race in person, a birthday date for her.
That was the day she told him, actually. Before her parents, before any other friends. He was the first to know. "I… I want to be just like that", she said, staring wide-eyed at Sirius' grinning, sweating form.
(His response? After a moment of thinking, of understanding what she meant… he said: "Well, I do hope you've given this some Sirius consideration, dear. What should I call you?"
She punched him in the arm before introducing herself for the first time, amid a fit of giggles.)
From there, the rest is history. She sought the treatments she could, struggled to get her family to understand who she was… but in the end, she did it. She was… herself. A soft face, rounded shapes, ears where they should be – the wonders of modern science.
So yes, Aston Machan loves her boyfriend.
Which is why she so hates to see him hurting like he has been…
Machan sees it in his eyes now. The way he looks at her has changed. It scared her at first, made her wonder if he wasn't as ready to accept her as she thought, or if maybe he was realizing he was actually gay! That… well, those were strange times.
But no, she sees it now. It's not disgust or apprehension in his eyes, it's not hesitation to be close to her… it's envy. Longing. A yearning she only sees from him when she's done with running practice for the day and he comes to pick her up. She thought it would help to invite him to do her cooldown laps with her at first, but… he could barely bear to look at the school's small track, much less be in it.
Machan isn't sure what to do. Her boyfriend – well, her partner – is stubborn almost to a fault at times, and far too willing to put the needs of others before his own. His family is a clan of accomplished racers! Whatever feelings he has on the matter are surely deeper and more complex than anything Machan ever felt…
But then, Aston Machan loves her partner.
She owes it to him to at least try.
So when he sits down with his lunch tray, it's with a worried furrow to his brow, concern hidden behind his glasses. "Machan? Is everything alright, dear?"
"Machan would like to talk. In private, if that's alright...?" His breath hitches for a moment. She blinks, and realizes how stupid she is to phrase it like that. "M-Machan is not breaking up with you! Just um… it's important."
His shoulders relax a fraction; even if they were spying on this conversation, Machan doubted anyone else would have been able to grasp just how nervous he got in that moment. "I see… shall we eat on the roof, then?"
She nods, and they climb the stairs in silence. They sit down, each with their own food, and Machan begins to eat as she considers the words she should use, the way she should approach this.
"…do you want to be a girl?" Or, her mouth can take the direct approach before her brain can catch up. That works too.
Her partner chokes on his food, face burning red as he thumps his chest. "Wh-What…? I… Machan, where is this coming from?"
"From the way you look at Machan. At Air Groove. From the way you talk about Sirius and get this… wistfulness in your voice." She doesn't back down; can't, now. "Machan sees you watching when she races. Saw you look at that dress when we went out shopping last week."
"That all seems like rather circumstancial evidence, doesn't it?" He doesn't look at her. He's too busy avoiding her piercing gaze and trying to recompose himself.
"Then why are you so nervous?" She huffs… then eases up a little. She stops the mechanical movements of chopsticks-to-mouth, covering his hand with hers, or trying to – his hands are large, and hers are smaller than they used to be. She sees him flinch. "…Machan understands, you know this. If Machan is wrong… just say so. But…" Her voice trembles a bit. "I-I don't want to see you hurting. Not if I can help."
They stay silent then, for a long time. She can't see his eyes, not with the way the light catches his glasses. His expression doesn't shift… until he eventually takes his hand from hers. "It wouldn't matter, regardless. My family expects certain things from me. The school requires an Emperor. The world… requires I just be–"
"Don't say it. It… it hurts to say it. Machan can see it does." It's why she avoids using his name as much as possible now.
"And what if it does? I need to be used to it. I should be, by now. It would be… a silly dream, to want to be something else." Oh, now he's just stopped trying.
"Was it silly for Machan to dream?" He stops, having willingly allowed himself to be trapped. "Is it silly for Machan to call herself Machan, just because I want to hear a name that feels right? It's not impossible, dear. I'm here to help. But you need to accept it."
Silence falls over them, and settles there for a long time. So long that the lunch bell rings, and the both of them are forced to stand up. His eyes still won't meet hers.
Finally, finally, he says: "I… I need some time."
He leaves before she can respond. With a brittle smile, she does anyway, talking to empty air. "As much as you need, dear."
The rest of the week passes in a flash, then the whole of the next one after that. They don't eat lunch together, not even once. No plans are made for after school. If they talk, it's only cold and stilted pleasantries in the halls.
And then, one night, with Machan finishing a sewing project that keeps her awake until… well, far too late into the night, her phone rings.
She picks it up before she even fully recognizes the caller's name. "H-Hello…?"
"Machan." His voice is quiet, not quite a whisper but close. It's also… shaky. Unlike his usual calm demeanor. It's worrying.
"Is everything alright? Dear?" She's not sure she deserves to call him that anymore. She pushed him away, didn't she?
"Can I ask a favor?" He sounds… how long has he been up for?
"Anything", Machan says, and she means it. She knows where her family keeps a shovel, if they need to bury a body.
The line goes quiet for some time… and then, only barely audible even with her hearing, she manages to catch: "…can you call me your girlfriend?"
Machan smiles, her body sags wirh relief. She can't keep the joy out of her voice. "Machan loves her pretty girlfriend! I…" She pauses as she hears his – well, her breath hitch on the other side of the line. Oh, she hadn't actually said that yet, had she…? Well, no backing out now. "I love you, you know. Even if you're a girl."
She hears something startling from the other end. "Fuck." It's quiet and entirely out of character, followed by something between a laugh and crying. "I… I am, huh? I… I want to be like you. A girl and… and, um."
Machan decides her girlfriend is cute when she's flustered. Still, she should help her out. "An uma? Oh, I want to race with you now…" Her tail wags softly against her chair; she knows if her girlfriend had one, it'd be doing the same.
"I… would like that." She sniffs, and her voice takes on a different, more familiar tone. "I suppose I should have known. I'm a fairly decent swimmer, after all."
Machan rolled her eyes, knowing the general direction this was going. She plays along anyway. "And how is that relevant?"
Machan can hear the grin. "Well, it means I must be pretty boyn't, huh?"
Machan groans and flops down onto her bed. "Machan changed her mind. I'm breaking up with you." The threat would have sounded scarier if she wasn't struggling not to laugh as she said it. Her girlfriend's snickers on the other side are proof she didn't take it literally, at least.
"…hey. I… I love you too, Machan. I hope you know that." Her heart soars, a week's worth of the foul mood that hung over her instantly dispelled. She wishes they could keep talking… but apparently, they'll have a busy day tomorrow. Clothes, makeup, the right meds… there's a lot Machan has to teach her girlfriend about, a lot that she wishes someone had taught her.
She only has one question she needs to know the answer to now. "So… what's the name of Machan's girlfriend?"
A pause. Consideration. Machan knows there's no way her wonderfully prepared partner wasn't ready for this question. She's just working up the courage now. And eventually…
"…Symboli Rudolf."
Machan smiles. "It's so lovely to meet you, Symboli Rudolf."
A new round of happy tears sounds from the other side of the line. Machan can't help but join in, a joy shared between her and the girl she's so so lucky to call hers. Yeah…
Aston Machan really loves her girlfriend.