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It was right before the release of their new album that James announced he’d found a place nearby and wouldn’t be living in the dorm anymore. Martin might have claimed he'd seen it coming, but the day he got the news he’d double-checked with their managers, and then triple-checked with James as he neatly packed his things into cardboard boxes.
Anyhow, in the blink of an eye, James had been out of the dorm for two months, and birthday season had arrived in the middle of promotions.
Martin’s own birthday ended unceremoniously after practice for their first MuBank show. Or so he thought, because when the elevator reached the reception, Keonho pressed the button to their floor and they went up again.
“What are you doing?”
Juhoon put an arm around him and snickered. “Pretend to be surprised.”
Martin didn’t tell him but they’d been so busy that he genuinely forgot their team was likely to throw him a little party.
He was welcomed by applause and the familiar chant. Someone even put a cone hat on his head, and they had Seonghyeon carry the mini cake, still edible and wax-free, so he could blow the ‘20’ shaped candles.
“Seems like we’re always super busy on your birthday” his manager said apologetically.
At some point a noona from the content staff brought him a can of beer with an oversized bow stuck to the top. It was official: he could finally share drinks with his team and the older members.
“A toast in my name? It’s weird if I do it myself.”
He looked over at Juhoon and James. The former lifted his arms. “It’s your gift bro.”
James shook his head, arms crossed. “Don’t look at me, I’m not drinking alcohol.”
“You don’t toast with canned beer, dummy.” Keonho said, flicking his arm.
Martin did the appropriate thing and started air-boxing around him, which made everyone laugh, but he couldn’t deny the tinge of disappointment he felt.
His eyes found James once again. Held his gaze for only a couple of seconds, waiting for him to look away first.
Well, they would have other chances.
The following night, they were making their way into the Carnival when James came to their manager with a request.
“I wanna make a short stop at the dorm. Is that okay?”
“Sure. Missed something?”
“Missed us?” Keonho squished against him with a bright smile.
James didn’t answer either question.
“I can drive you home, but please, don’t take too long…”
“Got it."
Everyone was tired enough as it was.
Martin tried not to think too hard about it. He missed having James around, but he wasn’t gonna act like a kid who’d just gotten candy when James was probably there just to pick up some forgotten item and retreat back to the peace of his own solitude.
Shit. What if he wants his wrist cuff back? He tried not to think about it altogether, focusing instead on the street scenery rushing past the windows.
James was the last to come into the apartment. He stood awkwardly at the entrance and Martin lingered hesitantly. Aware of having his attention, James stretched his arm out, offering Martin a shopping bag. It looked quite fancy, black with blue ribbons.
“For me?”
Despite the obvious answer, James nodded and gestured toward the bag. Martin went ahead and rummaged inside. There was a nice, plain notebook, and right below it, a thin black box and a tiny bottle.
“You said you’ve been interested in analog, so…”
It was a Parker fountain pen. There was also some freaky looking green ink.
“This is amazing, thank you.”
James had his arms on his hips, so Martin gave up on a hug. He settled for an affectionate pat on the shoulder.
He considered asking James if he’d stay longer, but feared that’d make him leave. He thought of telling him to come in, as if he were a guest and not his housemate just a couple of months ago. He thought about going in for the hug, after all. In the meantime, they stared at each other, and James had that expression, the one with lips parted but not quite smiling, like he wanted to say something.
Martin turned around and went straight to the kitchen. He grabbed the canned beer from yesterday and showed it to James, who was leaning on the doorway.
“Wanna share?”
James rolled his eyes.
“I gotta go…”
“But it’s my birthday,” Martin whined.
“And I gave you a present. Also, it was yesterday.”
“Don’t go yet.”
Martin walked past him, smiling contentedly as James followed him to the balcony.
They had a cozy bench and coffee table setup there. It had seemed romantic and Europeanly chic at the time, until Seonghyeon got paranoid about people stalking them and stopped having breakfast outside. The change of weather hadn’t helped. Martin had decided to buy tall plants to conceal the view a little, but some of them had died along the way. Still, being seen was hardly a problem at that hour.
The bench had plenty of space, yet their legs were pressed together. Martin took a sip and passed the can to James.
“You know that drinking is just as much of an addiction as smoking, right? It’s just less stigmatized in our society for some reason” he said, matter-of-factly.
“Is it?”
“Yeah! I don’t see the point in doing it just because you can. The taste isn't even pleasant.”
Martin shrugged. “I don’t care that much about it.”
“You’re full of shit!”
He meant it, though. He was solely enjoying the social aspect of it.
James told him about a ceramic studio near his apartment. Martin basked in the joy on his face as he explained the kind of pieces he’d found. Their fingers brushed every time they passed the drink back and forth. Turns out, even though they saw each other every day, there was still so much left to talk about. It was the first time Martin felt like maybe the distance wasn't so bad.
“That place is temporary anyway, I wanna move out in the future.”
“Oh, for real?”
“Of course. I mean, it's convenient now, for work. But once I learn how to drive, I’ll probably pick someplace that suits my taste more.”
“With an ice rink nearby.”
“Now that would be cool.”
Martin bit his lip. That future was far too abstract for him to picture clearly. He tried to imagine something he’d like to see no matter what.
“By that time, you’ll even have a second home.”
“No, no, I’d sell or rent out my current place.”
“I meant my LA house.”
"Oh" James raised his brows, smiling somewhat shyly. “That's kinda... I guess that's true."
The alcohol percentage wasn’t strong enough to get them tipsy, but Martin felt the drunken bravery surging up regardless of it. He reached for James’ wrist. James glanced down at their hands, then back up at him, curious.
Before he could say anything else, Martin leaned in and kissed him softly. He lingered close, enjoying the touch of James' plump lips against his, before pulling away.
“You’re right, the taste isn’t even that good.”
James gave him a sideways glance, the way his breath caught betraying his surprise.
“I mean, some people like it. There's different types, levels and all that stuff.” he replied casually, just to be contrarian.
It was so funny. Martin burst out laughing and James looked at him like he'd lost his head. Maybe he had. He kissed him again, this time grazing James’ cheek with trembling fingers. He felt him move closer, his right leg pressing insistently against Martin’s.
“Hyung, are you gonna keep your promise?”
“It wasn’t a ‘promise’ per se.”
"You know what I mean" Martin licked his lips, feeling drunk on the saliva from their kiss. “You said you’d consider me.”
“Believe me, I am,” James laughed, massaging his temple. “Consider me considering.”
He’d said in English, and Martin could've blamed it on the alcohol, but honestly, he thought it was the funniest thing. He giggled and squirmed around, dropping onto James’ lap.
He traced a finger down his knee. James ruffled his hair.
“I could fall asleep like this.”
“You do know we have an interview in the morning, right? I'm basically a hostage.”
Martin hugged his torso to emphasize that yes, that was exactly what he wanted.
“I’d lock us up here if I could.”
It earned him a swat on the nape.
“That’s toxic.”
Martin chuckled. “You’re right, I’m so sorry~”
The empty can sat on the table, long forgotten. Martin settled against James and let himself relax.
Martin admitted it: he was being pretty selfish, and not very leader-like. Seemed like he'd done a lot of unusual things that night, some better than others.
Martin thought about how patient and compliant he’d been ever since he confessed to James. He’d been told to wait, and so he had. Hell, he’d even mentally prepared to stay friends if that was what James decided… But now he refused to let go, as if he couldn’t imagine how he’d managed to hold back before.
It was a funny thing. He wondered if James would classify it as some sort of addiction. He’d probably just roll his eyes and stare at him, asking him to take the next step without having to say a word.
The thing between them was far from perfect, but in a weird way, it was.
Martin couldn’t tell how much time passed, but after a while the door slid open and he felt James shift in place.
“Ims-ssi, I can take you home now. You need to sleep too.”
“I think I’ll crash on the couch. Sorry for the trouble, hyung.”
A heavy sigh. “Are you guys okay?”
“Ah, this kid wanted to chat but fell asleep on me. Don’t worry, he’s fine”
“Are you?” Then, after a pause: “You know, you’re supposed to tell me about these things so that I can support you.”
“I know, I know. It’s, um… pretty recent?”
“I trust you. Both of you. But you have to trust me too, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Tell him that… Good night.”
“‘Night~”
After he left, James tickled his side and Martin stirred with a smile. He was still a little drowsy.
“Did you hear?”
“Bits and pieces.”
“No funny business on the clock.”
“Or?”
He'd tried sounding suggestive, but James shook his head.
"There’s no 'or'.”
James looked so handsome when he was serious that it made Martin want to kiss his worries away.
"Okay." he nodded, just as serious.
James wouldn’t admit to it, but Martin knew just how fucking scared he was… He was the same, after all. But when they spent time together like this, idling after a good performance, he felt that they deserved the chance to take a risk. That their shared feeling, whatever it may become, was worth overcoming any hurdle.
In the end, Martin was glad he’d persevered with the plants. Even at different stages of decay, they did a good job of hiding the way he kept returning to James’ lips, with arms wrapped tightly around his waist and neck. James’ glasses pressed painfully against the bridge of his nose and Martin thought, damn it all. Nothing would ever feel like enough of a reason to separate from that person.
EXTRA - EOM'S SIDE OF IT
Woobeomie hyung
princess please pass me a blanket
Seonghyeon
u still here hyung?!
thought you said
quick stop
lololol
Seonghyeon
where
Woobeomie hyung
balcony
thanks btw
Seonghyeon
oops bumped into hyungnim and he sent me back
Woobeomie hyung
if you got embarrassed just say that….
Seonghyeon
no, really
im sorryyyyyy he’s heading your way
stop whatever you’re doing
stop right now
Seonghyeon
since when are you two like that ???
don’t leave me on read
Seonghyeon
james hyung TT