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“Sir, you can't stay in there forever!”
Taako let himself scream into his pillow in frustration for a good solid minute. Then, like the fucking adult he was – thank you very much, he lifted his head up to yell at his bedroom’s door.
“Look, Agnes. There's a reason I canceled tonight. My spell slots are all used up, bubeleh, I can’t even blink.”
Taako let himself flop back onto the bed, but turned his face towards the door to allow for yelling, and breathing. “Let me get in a nice long rest tonight, and tomorrow, I'll show you something really baller.”
“No can do, Sir!” Angus said, and Taako wrinkled his nose at how cheery the kid sounded, even through the door. “You promised to teach me how to sneak into the Chug’n’Squeeze today. Remember? You found me in the bushes last time and said ‘cockblocks get knocks’ and that, if I was going to spy on you and your boyfriend, I’d better do it classy-like and at least sneak into the bar.”
Taako sighed, and sat up, scooting around so was sitting on the edge of his bed. He stared with trepidation at the-thank fucking goodness-locked door before answering.
“I know Ango. Just- just not tonight, yeah? We'll do it another night when I’m rested up.”
“But, Sir!” Agnus said, sounding a bit desperate. “You said it had to be tonight, since Carey only covers for Vince’s shift once a month.”
Taako swore under his breath in exasperation; the kid was right, as fucking usual. Taako wouldn't have dreamed of trying this fucking ridiculous bet with Vince at the bar, as Taako had no desire to get banned from the only chill date night option on the moon for fuck’s sake. But Carey had bet weeks of remedial acrobatics lessons, and wasn’t that a fucking burn? Remedial classes, if he could sneak the brat into the bar unnoticed during her shift.
Taako’s plan had been to walk Angus through Disguise Person, but he’d miscounted at some point during the day, ironically from burning slots on Disguise Person for meetings, sparring practice, and cafeteria trips. It was times like this that Taako really regretted not using the Animus Bell to reanimate the liches so he could punch them in their faces a few more times.
Taako groaned and dropped his head into his hands; nope he was done for the day and was super good staying out of sight of his coworkers.
“Sir, sir!” Angus’ concerned voice cut into Taako’s reverie. “I'm coming in there, sir!”
“Sorry, babeleh,” Taako chortled, regaining his composure enough to sit back up. “The door’s locked, and, if I even see the glint of a pick through that key hole…”
As Taako spoke, he noticed a blue halo start to gather around the door knob and begin to take shape into a small hand.
“Don't you dare, Angus!” Taako yelped, jumping off the bed and running towards the door. He managed to grab onto the knob, pulling the door shut with his weight even as Angus’ Mage Hand unlocked it.
“Smart move looking through the keyhole,” Taako said, shaken. “But, believe me peaches, you open this door and I'll-”
“What did you lose in Wonderland, Sir?”
Taako felt Agnus’ question hit him like a washing machine and the elf sagged forward, letting his head thunk against the wooden door.
“You can't tell me you haven't figured it out yet, Ango.” Taako said, a bit surprised by how calm his voice sounded. “Aren't you supposed to be the World’s Greatest Detective?”
“Yes Sir, I am.” Agnus’ voice got a bit more animated now that Taako was responding to him, even if the door remained closed. “But, since honesty is the best policy, I should tell you that Merle and Magnus both told me what happened.”
Taako huffed in annoyance. Here he was, burning his spell slots daily on Disguise Person and those fuckers were just going around and telling people.
“But, I think there must have been something else, something that you gave up that Magnus and Merle didn't know about.” Angus concluded. “So I thought about it and I think I must have rolled very high, sir, since I figured it out.”
“You see, sir, I realised that the Taako who went to Wonderland - he wouldn't be hiding in his room scared that someone might see him just because he lost his beauty.”
Taako felt sick, so sick that he couldn’t respond quickly enough to stop Angus from continuing in his deduction.
“I figure that the liches said they were taking your beauty,” And fuck didn't that hurt, Taako thought, to hear it laid out like that by Ango. “But really, sir, they took your self-confidence.”
Taako lifted his head off the door and stared down at where the kid on the other side must be standing. He cleared his throat and tapped on the door in nervousness.
“Ango, my man, what are you talking about?”
“I mean to say, sir. Well- you must have noticed?!” Taako heard the muffled stomp of Angus’ foot stamping in frustration. “Magnus says he gave up his revenge, but it's been three days and he's barely gone into the icosagon to train. Merle says he gave up his skill with axes, but he doesn't ruffle my hair and call me names anymore!”
“And you, sir. You didn't used to be scared of anything! But now you- you hide in your room because you’re scared to be seen without your glamour on!”
“Ango,” Taako said placating, shit, the kid sounded like he was in tears. “You know that there's tons of fuckery that I'm scared of.”
“Right,” yep, definitely waterworks. Taako thought as Angus continued through his sobs.
“But before, it didn't stop you. You made us scones for Candle Nights. You taught me magic! And I know that you used to go and be sick after, sir.”
“Totally Robbie’s dank potions at work, mini-man.” Taako argued, even as he clenched his hands to stop them from shaking.
Agnus ignored Taako’s response and carried on, the words spilling from him like the tears Taako could faintly hear dripping on the floor.
“The Director told me that it was my job, sir, to look after your emotional health in Wonderland, and I messed up, I messed up so bad. But I would have sacrificed anything else, but this; I wouldn’t have given you up for ANYTHING.”
Taako wrenched open the door, causing Angus to flinch back as the kid desperately tried to wipe at the tears streaming down his face with his sleeve.
“Oh, bubeleh.” Taako awkwardly reached down to pull Angus into a hug. Angus gave a little whimper at the touch and buried his face in Taako’s chest, sobbing into the elf’s "Jess-the-Beheader" t-shirt.
“Some Greatest Detective you turned out to be, thinking any of this is your fault Angus.” Taako said, gingerly patting the kid’s back as he sobbed. “We knew the risks when we went-” Taako felt the kid trying to shake his head and shushed him. “Ok, so maybe we didn't know all the risks, but we're fucking adults, Agnes. You don't get to take credit for our bad decisions until you're old enough to post us bail.”
“But-”“Nope.” Taako cut the kid off again and, sensing that the hysterics were mostly over - thank fuck -, swung Angus up off his feet and gently tossed him onto the bed, startling a giggle out of the kid.
Taako smiled in spite of himself, and gingerly tugged at his now sopping shirt. “You got quite the water works on you there, bubeleh.”
Then Taako faltered, before resolutely brushing his hair back from his face and walking across the room to his armoire.
“Sir?” Angus asked, a hopeful tone creeping into his voice.
“Nope. You stop right there, Ango.” Taako kept his back resolutely to the kid as he rummaged through layers of skirts and boots. “It’s time to put away the fantasy Oprah and repress like we just caught Merle up to his elbows in potting soil out back.”
Taako reached further into the pile. It was probably on the bottom since he hadn't had to use in decades, not since he'd been, well, Angus’ age and getting started on TV.
Actually, Taako thought, tossing a few likely clothing choices over his shoulder as he went. Knowing how to do this properly all mundane-like might be a better skill set for the snoop, magic or no.
“Got it, my little guy.” Taako smiled as his hand brushed a well-worn leather travel case; its lurid purple leopard pattern visible as he pulled it out.
“This would have been enough of a challenge without all those waterworks, Agnes, but Taako’s worked with worse, no biggie.” Taako turned back to Angus and, grabbing a hand-mirror from the face-down collection on the armoire, he walked over to the bed. He kept the mirror face down as he dropped it onto the bed, no sense in asking for trouble, and motioned Angus to move to the edge so Taako could stand in front of him.
“Now, Taako’s gonna get himself beat for the gods tonight, so you better pay attention Ango. Then I’m gonna use some of this old school transformation magic on you, but next time you’re on your own, you got it?”
“Yes sir!” Angus’ smile was like the sun coming up and, even though Taako knew he’d never admit it, it helped.
“First things, first though, Angus. The most important thing,” Taako paused as he lifted brushes and tubes out of the box, making sure that Angus was on the edge of his seat with suspense. “Is that you're never fucking wearing this for someone else. Capiche?”
Taako stared down at Agnus and grabbed several pieces of the table so he could brandish them at the kid.
“You think Magnus, or Merle, or even Krav-” Taako faltered, but hell, the kid would have figured out a name sooner or later. “Is going to be able to tell the difference between any of these reds?
“Isn't that burgundy, sir?” Angus questioned, pointing at one of the small tubes.
“Shut up Ango.” Taako rolled his eyes and set down all but one of the tubes, a bright vibrant ruby colour. “The point is, you wear this for yourself and fuck'em, right? As long as you remember that, you're always gonna look baller.”
“Hey Taako! Looking good!” Killian called as Taako sashayed over to one of the empty chairs at the orc’s table. “Seriously, you look fuckin’fine tonight! Special occasion? Your mystery man stopping by?”
“Oh, you know how it is.” Taako fluttered his gold rimmed eyes dismissively. “Someone’s gotta bring some style to this dump!”
Killian snorted into her beer, laughing. “That's the fucking truth! But daaaammnnn, did you grab that colour in GoldLeaf?”
“Hmmm?” Taako tapped a nail against his ruby stained lips. “You think I buy this gloss? Ain’t nothing out there good enough for me; Taako’s got sensitive skin my homie.”
“You’re fucking joking!” Killian swore as she lunged forward to get a better look at Taako’s makeup. “You make that?!”
“I ain’t gonna lie about something this important K-doll.” Taako assured her, feeling more confident by the moment – fucking take that liches. “I mean it all comes down to cooking with a bit of magic for sizzle and Taako’s the best at sizzle. Hells yeah, it’s even waterproof.”
Killian let out a delighted laugh and leered towards the bar. “Fuckin’ hell Taako, you make me some of that gloss you’re wearing and I'll use my “powers of persuasion” to get you your lessons with Carey.”
“No need, my homie.” Taako moved around so he could perch on the top of the table beside Killian and watch the bar. “Agnes is grabbing my drinks, which means I’ve already won.” He pointed an elegant finger at a short red-head human, twenty-something who was walking over to their table carrying two fishbowl-sized glasses of wine. Ango had not only picked up his wine glasses, Taako realised, but it also the interest of Avi who’d been at the bar and was now very interested in a new face on the base.
Killian’s double-take as she stared incredulously at Agnus walking towards them was gratifying. “No way? NO WAY!! Fuck Taako, you should take this show on the road. You could call it - I don’t know – Sizzlin’ Style with Taako or something.”
Taako stopped dead, then as Angus came near, he expertly plucked both goblets from the kid’s hands and knocked them both back one after the other.
“Hells yeah, K-doll.” Taako said roughly, spinning one glass by its stem and placing the other back in Agnus’ hands. “You know, I think I just might.”