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When Yuuri Katsuki is born, he does not cry out for air. Moreover, his eyes are open the instant he leaves his mother’s womb.
His parents worry that he is dead or otherwise impaired. Babies need to breathe by crying, after all. Only when the doctor smacks the back of his legs does Yuuri release a weak sob. His parents are relieved, but their worries do not leave them.
—
Yuuri grows into a quiet boy who prefer watching the world to acting in it. The only times he comes alive are during his dance lessons and ice skating. He also loves watching other people ice skating. Mama Katsuki notices that he especially likes watching Yuuko and that Russian silver-haired skater and files it away for more appropriate times.
—
On Mari’s 11th birthday, she remembers her past life in all its glory. When the memories come, she runs to her bedroom and slams the door shut. Yuuri hears his super cool sister sobbing herself hoarse through the door and asks his parents why onee-chan is crying. His parents just exchange glances and say “You’ll understand when you’re older.” Yuuri is more confused than ever, but he leaves it alone.
—
Nishigori and Yuuko both invite Yuuri to their birthday parties, which happen later than their actual birthdays. Whenever Yuuri hints about random crying, Yuuko smiles like she knows what Yuuri’s getting at and shakes her head. Nishigori just gives him a dead stare that says “why-would-anyone-like-me-cry,” so Yuuri quickly withdraws his statement and averts his gaze sheepishly.
When Yuuri turns 11, there is no dramatic revelation, no crying about anything. He goes to badger his parents about it while clutching the puppy that he got for his birthday, which he thinks he’ll name “Victor”. Yuuri doesn’t miss the silent one-second conversation his parents have before turning to him. Okaa-san smiles and pats him on the back while otou-san makes some excuse about Sagan Tosu being on TV. He stands there quietly and awaits his explanation while his mother glances around carefully. Once she has finished her examination, she answers Yuuri in a low tone.
“That only means that you had a peaceful death in your past life. The only way you’d remember was if you had a tragic death, like your onee-chan.”
Yuuri nods along before dropping his next bomb. “Okaa-san, are you and otou-san soulmates?”
Okaa-san nods happily before turning serious.
“Yuuri, just remember that not everyone finds their soulmate, and that’s OK.”
“But how do you find your soulmate?”
“When you meet them, if you do, you’ll just know. It’s a fluttery feeling in your heart.”
“OK, okaa-san.”
—
Yuuri’s skill on the ice has increased greatly, enough to earn him a full-ride to university in Detroit. He’s proud of himself and glad to have found a new friend in his roommate, Phichit, but he wants more. He wants to make it to the top of the podium, and further. He wants to skate on the same ice as Victor Nikiforov.
Phichit knows that, which is why Yuuri is subjected to a constant dialogue about his many Victor Nikiforov posters.
Yuuri waves the comments away and trains even harder to finally meet his idol on the ice.
—
Sixth place.
He lost.
Yuuri Katsuki was finally given a chance to beat Victor Nikiforov. And it’s gone.
Not that he needs any reminding. Every time he checks the search for “Yuuri Katsuki”, five new articles pull up, speculating about his loss.
Yuuri knows what happened. Vicchan died, which broke Yuuri’s heart and had him stress-eating right before competing. His anxiety tripped him up more than usual, and he fell down at least six times.
What’s worse is knowing that his idol crush was watching every single fall.
Dang it.
—
Yuuri has a million thoughts running through his head, with the most prominent being “Why the heck is Victor freaking Nikiforov in our onsen, buck naked, and saying he’s going to be my coach oh my god does he remember the last Grand Prix Final I’m so embarrassed someone help me I’m going to die what if he’s mad that I didn’t want a picture oh no what am I going to do”. OK, maybe that’s not a real, single thought.
But Yuuri’s heart is fluttering and his thoughts are fever-fast. He wants to scream and choke at the same time; he’s not even sure why he’d ever want to do that.
Yuuri remembers what his okaa-san told him when he turned eleven, about his heart feeling fluttery when he meets his soulmate. But… there’s no way that Victor Nikiforov is his soulmate. He’d probably be accused of lying, and then Victor would leave.
Yuuri’s seen the people in the tabloids claiming to be a famous person’s soulmate. They always get shot down and become the scape-goat for false claims. The celebrities themselves usually post something about being disgusted that people find it smart to use something as intimate as soulmates just to meet their idol.
That won’t happen. No, Yuuri’ll keep his emotions to himself. It’s probably just his old crush kicking up again anyways.
—
Yuuri feels like this is a game show to confirm his sexuality. “Is this man gay?”
Yes, yes he is. And he would very well appreciate it if the show was suddenly canceled so he wouldn’t have to deal with all his adolescent fantasies about Victor Nikiforov coming back with renewed vigor.
Yuuri is determined to not indulge himself. For now, Victor is just his coach. Nothing more, nothing less.
—
Holy mother of pearl.
Did Victor just kiss him?
Screw self-control. Screw soulmates. Yuuri wants Victor, and he’s fairly sure that Victor wants him back.
—
Victor doesn’t want to marry him because he didn’t win gold? Alright then. Yuuri will win gold at the next GPF, and beat Victor Nikiforov while he does it.
In the mean time, he’ll happy to spend time with his boyfriend and Yurio at St. Petersburg, even if it means slowly picking up Russian too.
—
Everything is great. Victor isn’t getting further away or acting like he’s stuck in a different world. Victor isn’t spending more time holed up in his study or out taking walks. No way.
At least, that’s what Yuuri would like to tell himself.
All the reason more to train harder and win that gold. Even if it means giving Victor a taste of his own medicine.
…
He really doesn’t want Victor to break up with him.
—
Yuuri feels a bit guilty to be proofreading Victor’s final draft for his novel, especially when he thinks about how distant his treatment of Victor became.
Then again, this just confirms that Victor loves being with Yuuri, even when it seems like he doesn’t. Yuuri gets the feeling that Victor might actually be his soulmate, but he doesn’t bring it up. Maybe he’s a little more hopeful than before though.
On other topics, Victor’s draft sounds vaguely familiar, and it’s stirring up memories in Yuuri’s brain that he’s fairly sure weren’t there before.
—
Just when he thought that his relationship with Victor was going pretty well, Victor announces he’s flying out to some odd village that’s in the middle of nowhere.
Outwardly, Yuuri’s fine. He reminds Victor to bring all the things that he usually forgets (toothpaste, pillows, a coat) and chides him for bringing things he really doesn’t need (his huge doll of Makkachin, his couch).
Inwardly, he’s re-examining every little interaction he’s ever had with Victor and where he might’ve gone wrong.
Yurio ends up being the unlikely person to calm Yuuri down. His method? Screaming. “Shut the hell up about Victor; he’s just getting ideas for his novel!”
Yuuri’s glad that there’s someone who can anchor him to the ground when Victor isn’t there.
—
Whatever idea Victor got from the tiny town must’ve been revolutionary, because his novels are the highest selling books that year.
Yuuri’s glad that Victor has a talent he can rely on when his body breaks down. However, Yuuri’s also noticed that Victor doesn’t seem too happy about it. Whenever Yuuri prods Victor nowadays, the latter’s underlying tone is sullen and dejected. It’s hard to tell; Victor’s very good at putting up a front. But Yuuri’s spent two years with Victor. He knows more about Victor than Victor thinks.
—
Victor and Yuuri decided to take a break from their rigorous training to attend book signings around Russia. Yakov is plenty mad about it, but Victor never listened to the man anyways. Yuuri always found it funny that Victor expected Yuuri to listen to him, despite the former’s knack for disregarding his own coach’s instructions.
Right now, Yuuri’s helping the staff set up while Victor prepares himself in a separate room. He could be doing something else, but he really doesn’t want to leave Victor alone. Plus, Yuuri’s manners practically force him to aid the staff; especially since his boyfriend’s the reason they have extra work.
Yuuri turns around before instinctively catching the woman he bumps into. She’s wearing an employee’s badge that reads “Katya” with a blue apron, clutching a clipboard to top off the whole look.
“Sorry! I didn’t see you!” He apologizes, mentally cursing his clumsiness off of the ice.
“No, it’s alright! I shouldn’t have tried to walk around you,” Katya replies. She takes in Yuuri’s man bun, glasses, and jacket before recognition hits her. “Oh! You’re Yuri! That Yuri!”
“Yes, I am,” he says, filing away this interesting new title. “Did something happen to Victor?”
“No, not at all! Actually, we’d like for him to come out and test everything. If you could fetch him, that’d be great,” she says. Yuuri agrees and thanks her before walking into Victor’s self-proclaimed “headquarters”, where the man is practicing his smile. When Yuuri enters, Victor’s head immediately turns towards him, and the smile turns real.
“Vitya, they want you out.”
“Thank you.”
Yuuri stands there awkwardly and tries to think of something to keep the conversation going. He ends up with his whiny “no-I-don’t-want-to-practice-at-5-AM” voice. “Victoooor, what am I going to do during the signing? People will stare if I just stand behind you.”
Victor reaches out and hugs him before whispering in Yuuri’s ear, making him shiver. “You can do whatever you want, Yuuri. Surprise me.”
Yuuri never wants to leave Victor’s arms. He loves being surrounded in warmth and love; he loves how his mouth is a centimeter away from Victor’s neck; he loves…
Oh.
He loves Victor.
Moreover, he just remembered something.
Yuuri pulls away regretfully, the start of a grin twitching at his lips. “I love you,” he whispers, and he exits the room.
He can tell that Victor’s in shock from the fact that he’s still standing in the room. He laughs to himself before heading to a shelf stuffed with Victor’s novels.
Time to tie up the loose ends.
—
Yes. He knew it.
Victor wasn’t writing a historical fiction. This was his—their—past life.
He doesn’t even know what Yuuri did after Victor died.
Wait.
He doesn’t know what Yuuri did after he died.
Yuuri did not sign up for this drama.
—
Yuuri ran faster than he ever had before. Past the forest where he and Victor used to picnic. Past the well where they’d met. Past all the pieces of history with Victor. Because there wasn’t a history anymore. Victor was dead.
Years ago, Yuuri would’ve mocked Victor about his morality. Would’ve teased him about losing his hair while dead. Victor would always respond with the most melodramatic death, pretending to die from the insult. Back then, it didn’t matter, because Yuuri would be able to kiss Victor back to life.
But now…
Yuuri’s cloak caught on a branch, and he tripped and scuffed his knees on the sharp rocks that made up the road. He quickly got back up and continued running down the path until he found a fairly small cave, hidden from passerby. He ducked inside and quickly went as far back as possible.
The inside wasn’t terrible. It was dry, and uninhabited. However, Yuuri’s fleeing had been spur-of-the-moment, meaning he had no supplies for survival.
Does it really matter? A voice inside Yuuri’s head muttered. Victor is gone. You may as well die now.
No, he thought. Victor died so that I could live. I won’t let him have died in vain.
Then what are you going to do? The voice challenged. Just die. You’re useless. No one wanted you before Victor, and now he’s dead too. What can you do?
I’m going to make sure that this never happens again, Yuuri shot back. I’m going to make sure that everyone knows being homosexual isn’t wrong. And he walked out of the cave, determined to leave the negativity behind.
—
Yuuri hobbled up the stairs at the side of the stage, his cane making a dull thump every other step. The small crowd was silent in front of the stage, watching the old Japanese man limp up to the microphone. He cleared his throat and broke out coughing. A young boy rushed up and offered him a tissue, which he brushed away. He gripped the mike and began to speak.
“Hello. My name is Yuuri Katayama, and—”
He was interrupted by thunderous applause from the small audience. Some people had stood up and were cheering loudly. At least two wolf whistles pierced the noise, and somebody had begun to chant “Yuu-ri, Yuu-ri!”
Yuuri smiled indulgently and waited for the crowd to settle down before he continued.
“Thank you. As I was saying, my name is Yuuri Katayama, and I’ve spent the last fifty years fighting for gays, lesbians, and all other parts of the LGBT community.”
Another wolf whistle.
“Story time. When I was twenty, my husband was burnt at the stake by our fellow villagers.”
A “No!” from an audience member. Yuuri nodded somberly.
“Yes, he was. We lived in a rural area, and that kind of thing was accepted back then. He was killed to save me. At the time, I thought I would die. I’ve always been plagued by anxiety and depression, but when Victor was killed, it got ten times worse.”
He sniffled. The same boy from before rushed up again and shoved the tissue into his hand. Yuuri thanked him and dabbed at his eyes before steeling himself.
“With a little determination, I was able to come here, to the United States. Now, I’m here to tell you that there’s nothing wrong with being gay”
Several people hollered “Yeah!” Yuuri continued speaking.
“There’s nothing wrong with boys loving boys! Or girls loving girls! Or anybody loving both boys and girls!”
The audience was going wild. But Yuuri wasn’t finished yet.
“I love my late husband, and there’s nothing queer about it!”
The crowd roared and went insane. Yuuri smiled as a tear rolled down his cheek.
Victor… are you proud of me yet?
…
I’ll find you next time. I promise.
—
Yuuri sprints to the cash register and slams Victor’s duology onto the counter. “I want to buy these,” he pants.
The cashier blinks twice before coming to life. “Uh… do you want to pay with credit, or…?”
Yuuri shoves two bills into the teen’s hand. “I’m sorry, I’m in a rush. I want the author to sign these.”
The cashier nods in understanding and quickly calculates the change before handing it back to Yuuri with a receipt. Yuuri mindlessly takes the coins while glancing at Victor’s table. The man appears very energetic to anyone who didn’t know him well, but Yuuri can tell that he's bored from the glazed look in his eyes and the almost imperceptible flutter of his eyelashes. The line is almost gone, with only five people left. The staff is beginning to clean up around the autograph area. I’ve got to hurry, Yuuri thinks.
“Thank you for buying books here, please come again,” the cashier says. After thanking the teen, Yuuri snatches his books up and begins to search his pockets for a pen. Upon discovering a pencil in his jacket, he decides that it will have to suffuse, and begins to scribble in the front cover of the second book.
When he is finished, he dashes to the table, where Victor just finished signing the last girl’s book and is waving goodbye.
“Yuuri, what?” Victor blinks owlishly in child-like confusion at the sight of his boyfriend.
Yuuri blushes in embarrassment. He must seem like he got some terrible news about Makkachin, with the way he’s doubled over, trying to catch his breath. “P-please… sign these,” he squeaks, holding the novels out to his boyfriend.
The silver (platinum!) haired man shakes his head in amusement. “Katsudon, we’re dating. We sleep in the same bed. I could sign your books anytime.”
The red color in Yuuri’s cheeks intensifies at the mention of their bed sharing, and he averts his gaze from Victor. “I just wanted to get the fan experience, one last time.”
Victor looks as if he’s about to break into his trademark heart-shaped smile, but he just smiles and picks up the pen. “OK, Yuuri.”
Yuuri watches as his significant other flips open the first book and signs something in his fancy handwriting. Yuuri’s heart speeds up when Victor sets aside the book and reaches for the second one. One thought is racing through his mind, screaming into a void.
Abort.
It’s too late for that now. Victor’s opening the second book. He’s reading the writing. He’s freezing up.
I’m sorry I took so long.
That’s what Yuuri wrote. And he anticipated the impact it will have on Victor, which is why he’s not surprised to see those precious tears hitting the paper.
And Yuuri knows.
Victor.
I found you.