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'I'm not good enough.'
'Stop it.'
Breathe in, breathe out.
If Yosuke can catch this attack before it plays out, he won't need an excuse to dismiss himself for another bathroom break. He's already gone once, and a second time so soon would just cause suspicion; certain members of the group already believe he has a week bladder, no doubt, after the whole falling into the TV for the first time fiasco. It's a miracle he never wet himself after that, but the past is the past, and right now he needs to get a hold on... whatever this sensation is that's overwhelming inside his chest. It's tight, makes it difficult to breathe, and he can feel his heartbeat is erratic even as he wishes it would calm down right this instant; but it doesn't. Things never really go the way he wants them to when he's suffering an anxiety attack, and he can feel one building up inside, and he really needs to step away from everyone as soon as possible or they'll see him burst. He doesn't want their sympathy, not right now, he hasn't even built up the courage to say anything, least of all to Souji, and–
"Hey," there's a hand on his shoulder that belongs to said leader, best friend, boyfriend - under normal circumstances, just the thought of the word alone would cause Yosuke to flush, it felt so surreal most days, and it was embarrassing the way it made his heart jump whenever Souji would refer to him as such - and he can hear the concerned tone in his voice.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm okay."
His reply, he feels, has been repeated for a lifetime; rehearsed so much before that it is now routine... and he's not sure what's true or false any more.
"We're running low on supplies in here, along with money," Souji's eyes do not waver as he speaks, but it's obvious his sight would fall upon a certain red fox if he were not to be noticed so easily. Yosuke forces a laugh and smile, "So I think we'll call it a day."
The escape Yosuke wanted has been handed to him on a silver platter, yet it doesn't feel like relief when the anxiety still continues to pile up inside. He blames himself for the overuse of healing items, and the way Jiraiya had faltered when initiating what was to be a final blow to a shadow due to his own mind being distracted by his inner turmoil. Worrying over, well, nothing, then that "nothing" becoming "something" had filled him with guilt. Misjudging the enemy attack as well as his own had put Yukiko in a dangerous position, and had it not been for Chie, she may have been dealt a more serious onslaught that no healing item nor ability would have been able to fix. Yosuke had wholeheartedly deserved the verbal assault sent in his direction from Chie after that.
'You could have killed her. Her blood would have been on your hands. Stupid and good-for-nothing Yosuke.'
Yosuke keeps his head down for the duration of the group's small talk in the electronics section of Junes once they arrive back through the usual TV screen. No one comments on it as he stands there, seemingly with his tail between his legs. It's easier if they think he's embarrassed by his blunder and Chie's scolding, rather than dealing with an inner battle between himself and the voice that eats away at his mind. Unfortunately the voice always wins.
He hears a "Phew, I'm beat!" that probably came from Kanji, and the next minute he looks up everyone has already begun to part ways, Chie glaring at him as she walks beside Yukiko. She's angry at him, and that will pass, but she could never be as angry as he his with himself.
'Pathetic, waste of space, idiot... You're better off dead, save them all the hassle instead of letting someone else die only to blame you anyway.'
'Stop it.'
The bathrooms in Junes always seem so much further away when he's trying to hide from everyone and everything, for fear someone he knows will see how red his eyes and face are, or the security cameras in the store will pick up on the smallest details on his face and see the streams of tears. It's such a trivial worry, but his anxiety spikes higher just thinking about it. What if any of the bathroom stalls are occupied and someone hears him too?
'Damn it.'
Yosuke bolts into the furthest cubicle, slamming the door shut behind him whilst hastily twisting the lock. It's late afternoon, no one is around, and he rests back against the door. He tries to stay upright, but instinct has him sliding down to the floor and pulling his legs to his chest before he can lose his footing from being overwhelmed. Yosuke wraps his arms around himself, head down, finally letting out the sobs that had welled up in his throat.
The amount of tears that continue to fall begin to sting his eyes, but he's too far gone to stop; this had been building for days, and today had been the breaking point. He needs to cry himself to exhaustion if he ever wants to stop. His voice echoes in the empty room, but for once it's relieving rather than embarrassing as he knows no one else is able to hear his cries.
"Yosuke?"
His breathing is rapid and inconsistent which hurts across his chest, but it's only when he registers the voice that calls him that the hiccups begin to start. His cries have toned down, yet the noise is still all too suspicious to ignore for anyone who would hear him.
"Te-ed...?" he hiccups mid-name, desperately rubbing at his eyes and praying for the tears to stop, "Ted, you... might not wanna be here..."
"Yosuke..." the worried and scared tone in Teddie's voice isn't what Yosuke wants to hear right now, and only causes more tears to fall.
There's silence in the room, apart from the noises leaving Yosuke's mouth even when being muffled behind his hands, until the sound of something sliding under the cubicle door grabs his attention.
A packet of tissues.
"I'll get Sensei."
Yosuke all but bawls again once he leaves, shaking where he sits. He wasn't supposed to be found like this, least of all by Teddie. He had contemplated telling Souji about it, but never found the right time where he had the mental ability to do so. Everything was far too tiring for him and he could never find his voice even when the opportunity arose. His lips would go dry, along with his throat, and no amount of gulping and false confidence pep talk in his head could prepare him.
He was supposed to be able to talk to Souji, Teddie too, they were the ones he was the closest to. Why did he have to be scared of them as well?
'You're a waste of space and don't deserve their time when all you do is waste theirs.'
"Yosuke, I'm here."
"No," Yosuke hiccups, "Souji, you and Ted... should go home and rest..."
"We're not leaving without you, Yosuke!"
Slowly he unlocks the door, knowing he can't keep himself locked inside forever. Souji's eyes widen for only a moment before he's lifting Yosuke up off the floor and linking his right hand in Yosuke's left straight after. Souji's hand is warm, soft, and Yosuke holds back the urge to start crying all over again.
"Is he going to be okay?"
"He'll be okay, Teddie. It was a panic attack, but he'll be fine. I promise."
His nose is all bunged up and he can feel the phlegm on the back of his throat when he breathes through his mouth, breath still unsteady but somehow bearable. He can breathe, if only a little easier. The pounding in his head is something Yosuke always forgets is the only thing that is the most unbearable after an episode. The sooner he can take something for it, the better.
"Teddie, can you help me with walking Yosuke out of here? He might need his other hand held as well."
"Sure thing, Sensei!"
"H-hey," Yosuke blinks the last of the tears away from his eyes, and looks between them, "I'm fine."
"Your legs say otherwise."
Taking one step, it's clear that the exhaustion has taken its toll on his muscles. Yosuke feels weak, useless, and the only thing he really wants is to stand under a warm shower for a long while. The warmth of the hot water running down his face is relaxing enough to help him recover from an attack, if at least physically.
"You're not alone." Souji rubs his thumb against Yosuke's fingers, hesitantly placing a chaste kiss on his cheek, "You... need to talk..."
It's not stated as a question, but Yosuke feels obliged to answer anyway.
"Yeah... Y-Yeah, I do..."
He gulps, grip tightening on Teddie and Souji's hands. It's the first time he's been honest with himself in weeks.
"I'll stay over tonight with you both, if that's okay."
"Ooh, a sleepover with Sensei!? Can he, Yosuke?"
Yosuke smiles, really smiles, and it's the most genuine one he has made all day.
"Sure, I'd... like that."