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Having a superpower wasn’t as fun as some people make it out to be, or at least that's how Dan saw it. It didn’t come with instructions, and it wasn’t reliable at all. It was spontaneous, and to make it work voluntarily one would have to concentrate, a lot, which was awkward, considering that Dan’s power was mind reading.
For him to really be able to read a thought, Dan would have to stare at the person and really focus, thus giving life to the ‘heart eyes Howell’ branding because, hey, Dan’s favorite subject was Phil. He mostly used his ability for trivial things, like being able to tell what they should have to eat without asking, or what anime they should watch next. Dan could tell when someone was feeling anxiety, because the same bitter taste would rise on his tongue too. In fact, his power was mind reading and partly super empathy . Meeting someone in the tubes who was having a bad day would set him off until he got home.
Dan procrastinated, a lot. And though he did put things off for a long time, he believed he was someone who would eventually get the ‘have to’s done. He was prepared to move in with Phil, he was prepared to have an amazing Youtube career, he was prepared for a lot of things. None of them being his mother’s death.
She was older, but she was healthy, which is why the heart attack surprised the family so much. Over the years, Dan and his family had grown more distant, partly because he was growing closer to the Lester’s, and partly because after coming out, it was awkward around his family, like walking on eggshells whenever they spoke. When he received the news that his mother was in hospital, him and Phil rushed up there immediately.
It was very depressing. The hospital smelt of sanitizer and death, and everything was either too white or blue, but not nearly blue enough. Dan could hardly breath walking into the 200s wing in the building. The hall was quiet and desolate, and as he walked he gripped his best friend’s elbow closely. He could feel Phil’s fear mixed in with his own, it terrified him more. Fear was by far the worst thing he could read. Dan didn’t bother looking up at him to read his mind.
By the time they reached the room, Dan was on the verge of breaking down. The hospital gave him a deep, choked feeling in his throat. Walking in, it just got worse, and he had to physically stop himself from stumbling. Inside the room, his mother laid on the bed, a white sheet pulled up to her chest and the aura of regret and remorse filled the air around her.
Dan didn’t really remember the days that followed her death, it all blurred. He remembered getting up out of bed for food, sleeping, staring, and the countless, neverending ‘Are you okay, Dan?’ ‘We can talk about it’, ‘Please say something’s. Phil tried so hard to be supportive, cuddling on the couch with him at midnight when he couldn’t sleep. One thing plagued Dan’s mind. He couldn’t look at her.
He wasn’t able to look at his dieing mother because his stupid ‘gift’ decided to act up while she was on her deathbed. It was the worst feeling, because he was all alone with her when it happened, and she had been talking, then she stopped, not suddenly. It was almost like a fade away, her voice just got quieter, and Dan tried to convince himself that if he didn’t have his ability, then he wouldn’t have even known she had passed. That he wouldn’t have felt the quick, sudden switch from regret to sadness to, nothing. Emptiness.
Dan eventually got over her death, but he couldn’t get over what his stupid ability did to him. He stopped reading Phil during videos, and over a couple weeks, stopped all together. It was hard though, because he could still feel what his friend was feeling, most of the time it was concern.
About two months since he stopped was the first time Phil brought it up. It was late at night, and they were just finishing up an episode of an anime they had been bingeing. Phil was sat up against the armrest of the couch, and sometime earlier Dan had made himself comfortable with his head on his shoulder. Dan did like cuddling, even when he reminded himself it was completely platonic. Once the episode ended, Phil grabbed his phone off the side table and paused the credits, the familiar aura of concern that Dan had grown to know filled the room again.
“Dan, I think we have to talk,” Phil started, shifting so that he was facing the younger. Dan immediately recoiled, sitting up and looking away from him. “You’ve been acting so distant lately, you won’t even look at me…”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now, Phil,” Dan mumbled, playing with the hem of his shirt.
“Yeah, but you never want to talk anymore! You never want to do anything!” Phil was frustrated now, Dan could tell just by his voice and the way he leaned forwards, a hand coming to land on his shoulder protectively. “God, Dan, just look at me!”
Phil’s other hand found its way to Dan’s shoulder, and before he could stop himself he was turning him him around, waiting for the other to say something or make eye contact. Dan refused to look up at him, and Phil huffed in annoyance, holding his cheek and tilting his face up.
“Dan, please,” Phil muttered, and Dan was trying really hard to resist, to keep his eyes cast down and to not look, but he had to. All at once Dan was tilting his head and meeting Phil’s wide, worried eyes, and all the thoughts from the recent months came rushing to him immediately. Guilt and worry made up most of the thoughts, and Dan started to feel cared for under his gaze. The emotions hit Dan in one swing and he was overwhelmed. He was crying.
“I-I’m so sorry, i-it wasn’t you...I..” Dan started, but he was cut off when a choked sob made its way up his throat.
“Shh, shh, it's okay Dan, it's alright, calm down, it’s gonna be okay…” Phil pulled his into his arms, rubbing comforting circles into his back. “I just wish you’d talk to me, or someone, it doesn’t have to be me, but I need to know you’re alright, Dan.” And Dan knew. There’d be no more hiding his ability, he’d have to come clean, explain everything.
“Alright, but I’m gonna s-sound a bit crazy here,” Dan murmured against his shoulder. Phil said something about crazy being okay, that normal was boring, and at that moment, Dan could only hope for normal, hope for boring.