Work Text:
Atlas
You sit in the kitchen. Working on an experiment. Or you sit at Bart’s. Focused. Lost completely in your work.
I’m completely mesmerized. I watch you from afar. Not wanting to disturb you but also unable to take my eyes off you.
I don’t think I could disturb you even if I wanted. You’re too consumed by your work. It’s fascinating.
Every time it hits me. Every time I look at you it hits me how utterly perfect you are. How are you possible?
How is it possible for someone like you to even exist?
You are deducing. You are talking a hundred miles a second and you think nobody is listening. But I am.
You don’t know but I am. I always am. Absorbing every word, every noise. Cannot take my eyes of you.
I don’t hear anything else, notice only you. This is how my world is. Everything in black and white. Grey.
Everything except you. You glow with colour in such an intense way that my eyes hurt when I look at you, yet I still cannot stop.
Everything out of focus. Except you.
How are you possible? Every day I ask myself the same question. How? How am I alive at the same time as you are?
How am I privileged to even exist next to you? I don’t have any answers. I live in fear every day. In fear of waking up.
Being dead. Is this what heaven looks like? I don’t have an answer.
Everything about you is extraordinary. Your dark curls. Must be soft. Probably are incredibly soft.
Your eyes. I could never even begin to describe their colour. They are always changing. Every time I look you in the eyes they have changed colour.
Fascinating. What I would give to know how they see the world. How does someone so brilliant like you see this ordinary, boring world?
Your skin. So pale. Perfect. I want to touch it. Feel every inch under my fingertips. Would you let me if you knew?
Your lips. I do not have words. How often have I thought about how they would feel? How it would feel to trace them with my fingertips.
How they would feel on mine. But that will never happen. I forbid myself to think about this. Your slender body. Always so in control.
What would it look like to watch you lose it?
You don’t notice me. Not really. You know I’m there but you do not see me. How could you? I’m ordinary. Normal. Boring.
Nothing compared to your sharp intellect. You letting me exist next to you is more than I could have ever dreamed of.
But I still wonder. How would it be if you would see me? How would it be if you saw me the way I see you?
How brilliant would that be? I can do nothing but wonder. As you will never notice me. But that is okay because I see you. Only you.
I spend my time watching and observing you. How your face lights up when you’ve solved something. Brilliant. Beautiful.
Being able to see that happening is enough for me. Will forever be enough. I can dream about more.
I can hope in the deepest parts of my thoughts. But I will always know that I am not good enough for you.
I am too normal, not brilliant enough. And I understand. I do. It’s okay.
Just never make me leave you.