Work Text:
Day 1, March 5th
" Today I got up at 3 am. I looked at you, and my heart ached, because you were so peaceful, so lovely laying there, your body moving gently with your breaths, I almost got back into bed, almost wrapped my arms around you again, almost stayed.
Almost.
I packed my bag as quietly as I could, taking as little as i could. I left, but I guess i wanted to leave a little behind, so you'll know I'm coming back.
I boarded a train, and I just rode it. Rode it until the sun came up, until there was no more city, until the train reached its last stop. I got off, walked to the nearest apartment building, in the smallest town I could find. I had come prepared, so don't worry, really. I'm settled in, and it's approximately 7 am.
By now, I have 4 messages and 1 missed call from you.
I left for multiple reasons, mainly because I thought it was best for you, but it's been only a day and I miss you terribly. I want desperately for these 6 months to be over, so I can return to you.
Then again, I don't really know if you'd want me back, and I don't want to be a coward anymore."
Day 7, March 11th
" I had an interview for a job here. This town is ridiculously small, not many businesses, but I managed to secure a job. Nothing too big, just a job in a local bar. I clean and bartend, so my income will be decent. I start next week.
I met someone. Her name's toki, and she's certainly not you, but she is good company. She asked basic questions, what brought me here, why I decided to leave where I previously was. I told her I want to change, but I couldn't bare to tell her about you.
I don't want the people here to know about you, you're too precious to me, and a name like yours doesn't belong in the mouths of these strangers who won't care about you like I do.
You probably don't think I care about you right now, though. (So far I have 49 messages precisely and 27 missed calls.)
It's been a week, but I don't sleep well. I dream about you, your eyes staring down at me lovingly. I dream about your laugh, your smile when it reached your eyes, when you threw back your head, when you were genuine. I thought maybe it was these times when I loved you most, but I realize now that there was no time where I loved you most.
I have always loved you, completely, with my entire being. My love for you can't save me, though, and I think in the days leading up to me leaving, you could tell.
I hope you don't think it's because you weren't enough, because that's not the case at all. The thing is you could have saved me.
The problem is I wouldn't let you. I need to save myself.
I'm sorry."
Day 21, March 25th
"Soon it'll be a complete Month since I left. You don't message me as often now, but you still message me daily. Thank you, I appreciate it. I want to answer, if only for the fear that I'll lose you if I don't. Maybe it'd be better if I did lose you though. You deserve better.(what a cliche thing to say. I mean it, though.)
I primarily hang out with toki these days. She's very polite, keeps me company in my little apartment. We have a lot in common, and maybe I would have liked her if I didn't love you.
But I do. Despite anything anyone has ever said, anything you have ever thought, I love you. More than this life, more than myself, more than anything, I love you. I loved you at my worst and at my best, and I love you right now, so fucking much. You're a mess, but you're my mess.
(Are you still mine? Can I still call you that?)"
Day 37, April 10th
" I listened to just one voice message today.
Just one.
It was the most recent one, and I had been feeling pretty bad throughout the entire day, and I just missed you so much. The second I heard your voice, I felt instant comfort. You always were my anchor.
You just... Talked. As if we were having a conversation. You told me things that had happened recently, how work was going. At the end though, there was silence.
And then, tears.
You said you knew I wouldn't respond, but you missed me and 'do you even love me? Was there someone else?'
The fact that I did this killed me, I just had to message you. We haven't talked in a little over a month, and all I could message was 'i love you, there's no one else.' you simply thanked me, and I'm a little afraid.
There was a lot more I should've said. I should've said how there could never be anyone else, that you had done nothing wrong. Honestly, I just needed time.
I came here to make myself better for you. So far I have learned two things:
1. Not looking at your messages doesn't make me feel better
2. Emptiness is a lot harder to deal with when I don't have you."
Day 54, April 27th
"I wasn't planning to write another letter to you until next week, but I had a lot of things to say.
I know you're not here, and technically I guess that means I could do whatever I want, but that doesn't feel right. I can't lie, especially not to you of all people, you, who holds my heart and fondest memories.
Toki came onto me.
We had just been in my room, and maybe I had drank too much, but she was sober and laughing at my drunken antics.
Suddenly she was on me, legs on either side of my thighs, lips coming to gently latch on my neck.
I know this sounds really bad, but I did push her away. She asked why, and I just spilled.
I told her about the gorgeous boy I had back home, the one with deep chocolate eyes and soft brown hair, pale skin that the moon envied.
She looked at me,shocked, before she simply stood and left.
In my drunken state, I messaged you all about it. I even called you.
You told me to go to bed. You told me it wasn't my fault.
I am horrified that I messed up. I'm sorry"
Day 92, June 5th
"Today marks the halfway period. 3 months.
I celebrated by buying you a ring. I had to walk to the next town over to get it, but it was worth it. And no, I don't think this ring will make up for me leaving. I'm just hoping you'll accept when I get back.
Lately I've been reading the messages you send me. A lot are 'I love you' and 'i miss you' texts. Today was different, because for once you asked when I'll be back. I would be lying if I said my heart didn't swell when I said ' three more months' and you replied with 'i'll wait.'
Recently, I've been reading a lot. A lot of it is how to deal with anxiety books. They're to the point, tell you how to deal with panic attacks, and I'm glad I got them. Maybe you can read them when I get back.
Oh! My boss gave me a raise today. Apparently it isn't often you get a hard working guy that rakes in business, and he didn't want to make it seem like he's taking me for granted. Hes a good man, I wish you could meet him. Who knows, maybe we'll come here soon.(I'm hoping to come back to celebrate. We'll be celebrating our engagement hopefully.)"
Day 97, June 10th
"No one here knows about my birthday. I was about to just leave it alone, do nothing for the remaining part of the day.
Of course you sent me a message with all the different things that you love about me. Thank you. (I would make you a list too, but I think it'd look a little bare if I put 'everything' (I can practically hear you saying 'iwa chan's cheesy' if I were to do that.))"
Day 123, July 6th
"Toki came to apologize to me today. She said she shouldn't have acted the way she did, that it wasn't right for her to assume I was single, or for her to try doing that when I was drunk.
I accepted her apology, because even though I haven't known her long, I've missed her a little.
She asked me to tell her all about you, and I couldn't help myself. I told her about my childhood friend, the small boy who was determined to do many things, even something as simple as climbing a tree. I told her about you discovering volleyball, how your eyes wouldn't stop sparkling for days; how they looked like stars had been put in them when your mom gave you a volleyball for your birthday.
I told her about how hardworking you were, your dedication, how you were crushed when we lost to ushijima. 'i didn't care about my own happiness at the time. I only cared about his. I wanted us to win because he wanted to. He deserved to,' I had said to toki. She told me ,' sounds like you've loved him for longer than you originally thought.'
I guess shes right.
I went on to talking about our genius underclassman, how inferior you felt, and how I had to smack sense into you.('that's way too brutal!' she's a little like you.)
I told her about how we lost to that same underclassman years later, how much that hurt. I had wanted to win with you, I wanted to keep playing, with you as my setter. We were going to different universities, and even though they had been close, I just wanted more time for us to play on the same court.
I told her how you confessed that night. It was 1 in the morning, I couldn't sleep and I guess neither could you, because you called me. We had whispered back and forth to each other, asked questions that we already knew the answers to. "What are you going to do from here?" "You'll visit me, right?" "Will we lose touch?"(of course not, of course not.)
It was approaching 2 am when you asked me a question that you didnt know the answer to.
"Do you love me?"
I could have played dumb. A part of me wanted to, afraid of being figured out, of losing you permanently.
"What if I didn't?" I whispered, my heart beating much too fast. You took in a shuddery breath. "I'd be very upset, because I'm in love with you, iwa chan."
I recalled how hurt I felt, that you could toy with me in such a way, but then I thought about the way you had said it.
Your voice had been full of hope, of words unsaid that were now in the open, of years together and years to come, but maybe as more than friends. "I love you. I always have," I had laughed, because how funny it was. I had spent nights with my hand to my heart, pondering how to make the feelings for you go away. How to get rid of the giddiness I felt when you laughed, how to get rid of fantasies of holding your hand, how to rid myself of something that could destroy us.
The day after, you had held onto me tighter than usual, and I returned it. I let my hands linger on yours for a second longer, I made no move to remove you from my shoulders when you wrapped yourself around them. I had felt stupid for thinking we could've ever been pulled apart by anything.
In a way, I was both right and wrong. I knew it was unfair of me to be upset when you weren't with me, but I guess there's a petty side of me that wants you all to myself. Maybe I'm selfish-no, change that, I am selfish, because you deserve to put as much of you in this world as you can. You're so, very stupidly amazing, so kind, so light, and I'm selfish because I see you talk to someone else and it feels like you're leaving.
The moment I realised I was coming here was a night when we had had another fight.(seems like we had done it a lot lately.) It was my fault, my own stupid insecurities clouding my vision, and it's unfair to you because I was angry, and you were trying so hard to pull it out of me, and at some point I tried pushing you away because I couldn't shake the feeling you'd be gone soon anyways. I festered for so long, so quietly, until I burst, and I was at fault because I should have just tried to talk to you instead of yelling.
I had cried at some point; hot, angry tears, short pants turning into sobs, and I couldn't look at you. I don't know why, but I looked at you, and I only saw you leaving one day.
And you did. You said you'd spend the night in a hotel, come back in the morning.( all the paper thin cracks in my heart deepened,though this wasn't the first time you spent the night somewhere else.)
I spent the night in our bed, not moving, not sleeping, just staring at the ceiling. I had laid there, and I was just so tired of being tired.
I wanted to marry you, even then, even before that, before I began to find all the faults within myself. Maybe it was this and the doubts that started to tear me down. All i know is that it started slow, thoughts trickling softly into my brain, until it was a full fledged storm, until I spent my time being tired, crying in the shower, and pretending everything was fine.
I'm a fool. I think I've learned my lesson now.'
Day 137, July 20th
" Happy birthday, tooru. Here's to many more years of being together. I decided to send you a message, an actual voice message. I was unsure of what to say, what do you say to someone you haven't seen in four months? I ended up just saying the generic 'happy birthday, I hope your day's good, love you'
I wish I could say more.(I can't, I can't, I can't)
I'd tell you up front, maybe call you and tell you about all this but im still not completely ready. These types of things are a lot easier to write; I would try to explain, but my tongue would become twisted with all the things that had been troubling me, and sometimes I find myself mentally apologizing for my existence, and I know i shouldn't. I've learned many things while here, but I still haven't learned how to be kinder to myself.
When did I become so good at self deprecation? When did I, along with almost everything else I see, start going gray?
I wish I could be like a sun to you. I wish I could bring you color, but all I see lately is a blur of shades and tones.
Maybe it's only because I don't have you. I wonder if you see life the same.
I love you."
Day 161,august 13th
"I guess today is just one of those days, because I woke up tired. Not so much as physically tired, just mentally tired. Usually when I had these days, you were here. You're not here right now, though, and the month before I left it just felt like you were a factor in the hole deepening in my chest.
I have mentioned multiple times my fear of being replaced. I hadn't written it to you before, but it goes a little deeper than that. My thoughts did not seem like only doubts to me; I felt inferior, and the thought that I always would be seemed like a fact. I guess i just didn't love myself as much as you loved me, because some days I was incredibly sure that you didnt love me at all.
Soon I found myself too toxic to be around you. Self deprecation gnawed at me, and I felt so annoying, so useless, and this was just on my good days. I don't really want to talk about the bad days, but I know you deserve an explanation,so I will give you one.
I called the bad days the 'quiet days.' if we had been going bad on my good days, it was worse on the quiet days. I spent the hours avoiding you, being in every room that you weren't in,refusing to speak or look at you because I was afraid if I did all I would see was your heart breaking. No, I'm sorry, that's a lie.
I was afraid all I would see was a look of annoyance on your face, grimacing at me. The quiet days were the days my faults became even more blatantly obvious to me than they had already been. These were the days that I did not believe you loved me.
The memories of these days are not ones that I want to go back to, because then I can't get out of bed, but remembering always drags me back to my bed and holds me so tightly, whispering dark things into my ear so softly, it almost feels like a lullaby.
The fight that had lead to my decision was a big one.
You had asked me what was wrong, like you always had. I had responded with,'nothing, I'm fine,' repeatedly until you had grown impatient.'it's obvious you're not!'
'cant we do this another time?' I had pleaded.
'if something doesn't change, I swear I'll leave you,' and i didn't move, didn't breathe, because you had touched upon the part of my brain that had become bruised with this very idea. It must have been on my face, because your own face changed, and you immediately apologized, tried to take me in your arms.
I am sorry that I'm so stubborn.
I took a step back from you, willing myself not to cry, but it was too late; they came pouring fast and heavy and 'why don't you leave then? Why do you stay if you're not happy? Why do you stay when you can have anyone you want?'
Your eyes widened, your jaw going slack.
'i never said that I was unhappy! I love you, god damn it,more than I've ever loved anyone! What I don't know anymore is if you love me! Are you happy, hajime?'
And I said nothing. My mouth was dry and I didn't want to fight. You stood still, too still, and I swear I could've heard your heart breaking with every breath you took.
'i could've sworn I made you happy at some point. When did I not become enough? When did I lose you?'
'its not that,' I had wheezed,' it's me. It's just me, I swear.'
'then why won't you tell me what's wrong? Why don't you stop lying? Why don't you tell me where all of this is coming from?'
' I can't tell you, I can't.'
'when will you stop pushing me away?'
I didn't have an answer.
You walked out of the room, into our bedroom, a place where we slept together on the same bed, but there was still miles between us.
You came back with a suitcase and tears in your eyes. 'im going to spend a week with Matsun. I'll be back soon,' you paused,'maybe.'
You kissed me, so gently, so full of love, but my insides only felt cold.
Eventually you came back, but the cold didn't leave, because I didn't know how to warm myself, and I didn't want to bother you.
I'm still cold, but now it's because I don't have you to warm me.
I'm still cold, but I don't hate myself.
I'll be home in a week.
A week can not pass by soon enough."
The last day, August 20th
I quit my job today. He thanked me, told me I was the best worker he ever had. He said he would have asked me to stay, but he knew some things in life are just too big to leave behind entirely.
I also said goodbye to toki. Over the span of a couple months, we had grown close, so much so that she started crying when she came to say goodbye.
'Your boyfriend's really lucky,' she whispered, and I wrapped my arms around her just a little tighter. 'i don't know about that,' I whispered back, but she had only shaken her head.
'you're a great man, hajime. You just needed some time to yourself to figure it out. He'll understand.'
I realized that I'm lucky for you, and toki also. I hit a rough patch with her, but she's now like a sister to me.(she laughed when I told her this.
'Youll always have a home with me, you know.' I do know)
I decided to leave my bigger things behind, my futon and my chairs and table. They weren't worth much, and I don't really see a reason to keep them or anything. With nothing left keeping me here, I'm leaving.
-
Currently it is 2 pm, and I'm on the train. Next stop is my stop, and I'd be lying if I said I'm not nervous. What will I say to you? What will happen? Will you be there when I get back?
Over the course of the last 6 months, I have been writing these letters to you. They have been documents of the truth, of my heart laid bare for you. I don't know if I'll give them to you just yet, but maybe soon. Maybe when I propose. If I get the chance to.
I messaged you to tell you that I'm coming home, and you haven't responded yet. Whether that's a good sign or a bad sign, I can't tell. All I know is that the sun is hanging high in the sky, covered just slightly by clouds, the air around me a little chilly, nipping at my skin, but not in a way that's bad and I feel alive. I feel more whole than I have felt since the thoughts came, and the only way I could be any more whole is if you were by my side.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see.
I want to write more, but it seems that this is the last stop for all passengers that are boarded, aka my stop, and I should go, shouldn't I? As I get off, the wind blows, and I want to run with it, feel it against me, around me, so I do. I run until my lungs are aching, until my hands are shaking, and it's a little hard for me to hold this pencil while I write, but I have to write because I'm here, I'm here.
I'm here, I ran here, and I knock on the door frantically, trying to make it known, and god, I hope you're home.
I should stop writing, but- oh god I can hear your footsteps this is it, this is it, holy shit what do I do?-'
2 weeks since the last day, September 3rd
' it's been two weeks since I've gotten back, and change is definitely evident.
As soon as you had opened the door for me on the last day, you had practically tackled me. You were crying, and I was going to tease you about it, before I realized I was, too. In that moment, everything was right; I had the person I loved most in the world in my arms. If I had thought it would be hard, as soon as I held you, all of that vanished.
It's been a little weird getting accustomed to each other again, but I'm more than happy that I'm here. ( I told you this, actually, and you wiped away imaginary tears because,'my iwa chan loves me so much now!' I'd always loved you this much, dumbass. Sorry I didn't know how to show it before.)
I try to be as loving as I can,to open up more,and so far,so good. I've come close to falling into a quiet day, but you're always here to make sure I don't fly over the edge, and I'm glad you are.
It's 5 pm while I'm writing this, and we're supposed to go out to eat in 30 minutes. You keep asking me why I'm writing again, but I can't tell you, at least not vocally, and not right now.
Oikawa, you have been lovely. If there's anything I'm certain of, it's this. You have been everything to me, and more. My rock, my anchor, my torch in the darkness. You have been every color, every word, every feeling. You have been here since my life began, and wouldn't it be incredible if you could stay with me until the end of it?
I don't have much to give you at the moment, except my previously written words, my heart, and a ring- and now, this letter too.
To the oikawa that is reading this, the oikawa that is my best friend, the oikawa who has stuck with me when no one else did; to the oikawa that I love more than the earth and the heavens combined-will you marry me?'