You know how I know you're gay?

Yes they were the stereotypical "husband material" everyone would talk about, who just spilled over the edges with manliness and general heterosexuality. But they were both, in fact, gay, with school girl crushes to two seniors.

Notes:

Completely and entirely inspired by Seth Rogan and Paul Rudd's blooper things and Opperationpecan's video "Hetalia - You're G-A-Y"
Again, this is honestly stupid and it's not supposed to taken seriously so it's kinda crack ish.
Not beta read idk where to get one and I'm not a native english speaker so probably some massive mistakes up ahead.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

The Jones twins. Two juniors with so much to give they could be rendered as celebrities at their dull 2 thousand student high school. Every girl would drop to their knees in front of them and every guy hated them for it.

Two unspeakably handsome, polite and tall sweet boys with inhumain skill to get everyone on their side with just a sincere look and a dimpled smile. Some people call it unfair, some call it luck but majority are so under their spell that they don't seem to care. The brothers being so unique in their own way but still the same, with colorful personalities and looks to die for. They were the epidemy of the dream guy anyone would love to bring home to parents.

The louder one being brash, cocky and open, throwing a wink there a flash of perfect white teeth here. The football captain ran a hand through his dirty blonde hair that looked as soft as the white clouds upon earth while strutting through the hallways proud like a peacock. 6 feet of muscles and tanned flawless skin, pockets full of wooing pick up lines and eyes as sparkling and breathtaking as the view of a blue sea. The forever cheerful and typical "superhero nice guy" walked with such confidence and held himself up with beaming pride that you just couldn't NOT love him. All explosions and fire, nothing more could be expected from Alfred F. Jones.

The quieter being much more calm and collected, choosing every word with care and creating a reputation of a reliable listener and a trustworthy friend. Sometimes staying behind his brother's shadow but never forgotten, because who could forget that sweet pleasant smile and those inviting violet eyes in the body of a tall and masculine teddy bear who just basically radiated warmth. It barely takes a glance from the shy hockey captain for a girl to want him to open up for her and only her. He seemed to be more of a lover than a fighter and a gentle one at that. The feeling of safety and love that circles around Matthew Jones was indeed heartwarming.

The duo was in fact a gift from the god to their useless grey high school. Even the teachers thought so. They both were so involved in everything and got great grades that the faculty rendered them as their favorites. Especially the coach of the school, and maybe Mrs. Smith but that's a whole another story.

Yes they were the stereotypical "husband material" everyone would talk about, who just spilled over the edges with manliness and general heterosexuality. But they were both, in fact, gay, with school girl crushes to two seniors. The other to a self-centered obnoxious silver haired German and the other to a snobby British grump machine who seemed to be the only one in the school who didn't fall under his spell.

Neither of them have told anyone about their preferences except each other (which they did simultaneously making the situation awesome or just really creepy), afraid to lose face probably. Not that they hate themselves for liking guys or that they hadn't experimented a couple of times with dudes it's just that it was all still kinda new to them.

Now Matthew, who was a lot more shy than his brother, questioned why Alfred, who has probably flirted with every single girl in the school, wouldn't use his so called "skill" on his unrequited love. But the problem was that the "skill" kind of vanished into thin air when the said snobby British senior was around because of his unintentional way of causing Alfred's knees go weak without even trying or putting himself out there.

Not that Alfred hadn't tried. Alfred basically had crammed the Brit's schedule to his brain so he knew how his whole school week went to get as many changes to catch a glimpse of him as possible and maybe "accidentally" bump into him so the Brit dropped his books and grumbled about Alfred's lack of manners as they both picked them up.

Not that they weren't friends but their conversations were never really long since Alfred had to run for practise or the Brit had some StuCo stuff to take care of. All of their conversations were filled with useless banter. It always started with Alfred's cockiness and confidence at it's peak, friendly insulting and then Alfred forgetting how to even form sentences and just listening to the shorter teen's silky smooth accent slipping out of those pair of soft looking lips that he always so distractingly bit and admiring how immensely massive the teen's vocabulary was. Alfred never had been that into literature but if he could hear the Brit read something like Hardy or Dickens or whatever those big English literature classic writers' names were, his knees would buckle.

The said Brit was of course Arthur Kirkland.

Arthur was the epidemy of Britishness from his old fashioned charm and posh accent to his love of tea. He was a polite, vulgar, short tempered, grumpy, sarcastic and handsome gentleman with a fairy like sharp face, thick eyebrows, the greenest eyes to ever green and dimples that only showed when he was truly smiling but that was a rare sight, that Alfred thoroughly enjoyed. He was so good with his tongue and words that he could insult you twice in the same sentence and you wouldn't find out about it unless you pondered it for a while but then it's already too late to try to come up with a comeback. A kid with straight A's and love for everything nerdy and fantasy related and read like he was trying to finish every single book on the planet was the chap who made Alfred F. Jones, the king of the entire school stutter and stumble at his feet? Now that was strange and had reasons that quite frankly escaped Matthew.

Matthew himself wasn't any better though. The particular guy he was interested to was a total ass, even he knew that.

Gilbert Beilschmidt, the older brother of Ludwig (their classmate), was a German transfer student who moved to America two years ago and even from the very first glimpse, Matthew was already in deep. He hung out with Francis and Antonio who spent a lot of time with Alfred and Matthew and their friends when the change came and that made Matthew more than happy.

Yes, Gilbert was indeed a self-centered prick whose narcissism and ego even surpassed Alfred's, okay they were both equally as bad, but there was something more to him that met the eye. Gilbert was incredibly passionate about everything he liked and the glint in his eyes that always appeared there whenever he spoke of his passions, was captivating. The teen was overbearing and would definitely scare the weak minded if he hadn't already, but under all of that interior, he was interesting.

He was a flammable soul and apparently easy to persuade, judging by every single drunk story Matthew had heard and seen himself. He loved to make people laugh that's for sure and he was always ready to put self-humiliation at risk for the amusement of others. He was loud, obnoxious and just all around an idiot, so why was Matthew so fascinated by him? Alfred had thought that for a long time and still couldn't crack the code.

But all in all, aside from him being interesting, Matthew found him incredibly hot. Not by any dominating feature he owned, Matthew was taller than him and they were relatively at the same shape considering how both of the were part of a team sport, but by the way he held himself and his eyes. The way he looked at people and safe to say, him, was so incredibly caging but in a good way. Gilbert had crimson tinted mysterious eyes that seemed to hide every single secret the world had and Matthew wanted to know all of them.

Maybe it was his confidence but there was definitely something in him and Matthew wanted to find out what it was.

It wasn't the fear of rejection that Matthew was scared of. Gilbert had made it pretty clear from the beginning how bi he truly was so he did have a change. Matthew was just shy about his feelings and especially Gilbert but he also just didn't feel like he was good enough for him so that's why he didn't bother.

One day though, the brother's competitive side snapped in two during a lunch break and it was sure a sight to see.

Matthew and Alfred were sitting opposite of each other with a bunch of their friends surrounding them. chatting like normal. The lunch hall was packed with a massive amount of people (the table where Alfred and Matthew sat in was like a magnet) including bunch of seniors.

Alfred had always the same seat because the whole cafeteria opened before him and he for once had a clear sight to Arthur who was sitting in a table with his french best friend Francis (that Alfred had a slight grudge against for no reason except his closeness to the Brit), Gilbert (who was from time to time glancing over his shoulder at them which meant an awkward eye contact between him and Alfred) and Antonio (an idiot).

He saw Arthur slightly smile at something Francis said and it made him instantly smile too, but the wistful gazing was interrupted by Arthur looking over at him, que to Alfred almost chocking on his food and snapping his eyes towards Elizaveta and Roderich arguing two tables to the right from Arthur's, pretending he was looking at them.

"There are SO many carbs in this Jesus! How can you eat this stuff?" Matthew snapped him out and scolded his brother after reading through the wrapper of the third protein-that-actually-probably-are-plain-chocolate bar Alfred was currently munching.

"Hey I have practise and a game tonight cut me some slack I need energy", Alfred said turning his gaze to Matthew, mouth full of the stuff.

Matthew grimaced "Swallow, please. And you eat those like every day."

"Dude, shut up."

Matthew rolled his eyes "Anyway, you know what we should do tomorrow?"

"What?"

"We should go to the mall, I mean you were complaining about your lack of jeans and I really need new shoes, Sam literally tore them apart last night."

Alfred chuckled, "You're asking me to go to the mall with you on a Saturday night?"

"Yeah?"

"That's gay."

Matthew scrunched his eyebrows "What? Not wanting to walk without shoes on? Lack of pants is way more gay."

"I'm not gay, you're gay."

Matthew scoffed.

"Actually you know how I know you're gay?" Alfred asked, dismissing his mockery.

"How?" Matthew asked.

"You care about carbs."

Matthew shot his eyebrows up and pushed his glasses up his nose bridge "You wanna know how I know you're gay?"

"How?" Alfred asked.

"You are the captain of the gayest sport ever."

"Says the dude who literally handles a stick while figure skating."

"It's not figure skating you uneducated dweeb."

"It's still gay. You know how I know you're gay?"

"How?"

"I checked your Netflix acc, you watched both of the sex and the city movies in a row last week."