Archive of Our Own

1.

“Erm I usually take the right side of the bed,” Dan says, as he and his husband stand in front of the large bed covered in flower petals, a note saying congratulations from the hotel staff and some champagne on the bedside table to celebrate the apparently happy occasion.

Phil sighs. Not only had his parents forced him into this marriage, decided that he just absolutely had to leave with his husband the same night for a honeymoon, they went ahead and booked the overrated honeymoon cottage and did not inquire beforehand that his partner in sickness and health and for the life in him, had the same side preference as him on the bed.

“Well I guess I'll have to take the left then.” Phil gives in. He thinks about his parents and his friends and his relatives, and how it has worked out for most of them, this whole arranged marriage, so if he gives it a chance it should work out for him, right?

“I'm sorry,” Dan says, but still settles himself down on the right side of the bed. He loosens his tie and lies back, staring at the ceiling, his legs dangling from the edge of the bed.

Phil bites back his tongue. He takes both his and Dan’s bag from the door and moves them near the single big closet located at the corner of the room. He opens his own and fishes out a new pair of ‘adult’ pyjamas and boxers and a plain new blue coloured t-shirt, because according to his parents it would be absolutely blasphemous to carry old school cartoon printed clothes that had a few holes and stains here and there. Who cares about the comfort they provided, of something old and safe in this new and unsure future he had to spend with a stranger? Phil can almost count the number of words Dan and he have spoken since the whole ceremony that started around afternoon.

“It's going to be a long night,” he muses as he glances back at Dan who is still staring at the ceiling, like it holds all the answers to the universe.

Dan turns at the attention he is receiving from Phil stood at the other end of the room. He looks at Phil's expression that now turns slightly guilty for being caught for staring, but he wonders if Phil already regrets this.

“Phil?” He asks, making the black haired man who had busied himself with trying to fish something out of his bag with pink cheeks, turn around.

“Hmm?”

“Will- Do you-” he takes a deep breath, “Phil, do you think we'll work out?”

Phil thinks about it. He stares at the ground below him, as Dan now looks at him with a worried expression.

“I don't know Dan. These things, they are supposed to work, right? Most people I know are arranged by their parents and they seem to be happy?”

“But are they really happy or are they pretending to be happy? Because the alternative is something so taboo that the mention of the word shuns you off from the society?”

Dan's a talker, a thinker and worrier, Phil decides, everything opposite of what he is. Phil remains quite, watches, doesn't think much and lives in the moment. He takes all the chances that come his way. And this sometimes finds himself regretting those chances later on. He wonders if Dan is that chance he'll regret later on.

“If you ever want to separate Dan, I'll not hold it against you,” He tells Dan, walking to the bed and sitting down beside him. Dan goes back to staring at the ceiling.

“I know you won't. My umm parents told me you're a really nice guy. And umm when they inquired about you through your friends and family, everybody seemed to have the same thing to say- Oh he is a wonderful guy. Dan will be very lucky. He's always happy and fun and an absolute sunshine according to one of your colleague, who I reckon has a crush on you. But,” Dan sighs before continuing, “I haven't seen you smile one bit when not interacting with our relatives or friends. Do you- Are you unhappy with this?”

Insecure, another word Phil adds to the list of things he's trying to make to understand Daniel Howell.

“I'm not unhappy. I'm just worried, I guess?”

“I'm worried too. Really worried. I worry that you'd never fall in love with me. I worry that you'll leave me one day when you really come to know me. I worry that I'll never be enough for you. I worry that I'll fall in love and you'd never fall for me. I worry that if I don't give something you expect from your husband like sex, you'll force it on me or you'll walk out. It's silly considering everyone has told me you're too nice, but this is what has been keeping me awake for the last three months since we've been fixed. It's what is going to keep me awake Phil, until-” Dan stops himself. He wants to say until Phil erases all of his doubts and loves him and makes him love Phil too. But he realises he can't force love.

“Until we fall in love? If I'm being honest, I've spent quite a few nights thinking about these things too Dan. And I- I think let's not try too hard for love and sex and future and whatnot right now. Right now, I don't know, let's just get to know each other! Like tell me your favourite colour, your favourite school teacher, your favourite houseplant!”

Dan smiles. He feels some of the weight that had been bearing down on his heart for months, lift off just a little bit. “Isn't this a bit backwards? Considering we've already had our first kiss?”

Phil thinks back to the ceremony and how anyone would hardly call that a kiss. It lasted barely a second. “Consider it a silly preschool experimental kiss, because all the parents lied to their kids that they would get pregnant if they kissed.”

“Did your parents really do that?”

“Did you never ask them where babies came from?”

“If I remember correctly my dad spluttered at the food he was eating and mum changed the topic by offering me dessert. And then a friend told me a stork comes and gives the mommy a baby.”

They both pause and look at each other before laughing. Phil is glad to hear Dan laugh. He looked like a nervous wreck the whole ceremony and even now. But he can see a few crinkles by Dan's eyes as he laughs with his eyes closed. And he finds Dan absolutely beautiful.

“I'm going for a shower and washing all this unnecessary makeup my cousin subjected me to. Do you want me to run you a hot bath after I'm done?” He asks Dan, knowing now they are both at least slightly at ease. Maybe this is the start they are looking for, doing small nice things for each other and getting to know the other person. He gets up and walks to the bathroom.

“That'll be nice. And Phil?”

“Hmm?” Phil turns around.

“My favourite colour is black. My favourite teacher was Mr Greg Rowland from eighth grade drama class. And I don't really have a favourite houseplant? I don't think I've ever owned a houseplant. Though my mum did have a gardening phase and we grew some really lovely snowdrop flowers one winter,” Dan tells him with a smile.

Phil smiles even more widely and says, “My favourite colour is probably blue or green. I don't know it keeps changing. My favourite teacher was Mrs Lillian because she was old and she always have us free periods and I love all the houseplants. But I really like tiny little cacti, especially the ones that flower.”

Dan nods, registering that information in his, Phil Lester- Husband, file, as Phil takes his smile into the shower, not feeling as terrified as before.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2.

Phil isn't sure how it happens, but somehow in between the bunch of boxes of their new flat, he finds himself tip toeing near the wall, but not quite having the courage to go too close, whilst Dan hid behind a box far off, shouting unhelpful instructions at him.

“Catch it with a glass. It's in the fragile box with red tape,” Dan tells Phil.

“It'd be really helpful if you could grab it for me, considering you’re closer to it!” Phil can't exactly understand how Dan convinced him to be the one to catch the moth sitting on the wall, but he somehow did. And Phil is just as scared of moths and other little insects, but somehow something makes him want to make it fly away for Dan.

“I’m not coming any closer!”

“But I’m scared of it too? What if it flies up my nostril or something?”

“Your nostril rather mine. It seems pretty roomy as well.”

“Dan!”

“Phil stop wasting time and catch it!”

Phil looks around to find something to catch it with, but it’s all just wrappers and some bubble wrap around him. He sees something a few steps away, but he isn’t too sure if that’s an appropriate item to kill an insect with.

“Dan how in love with this lamp are you?” Phil asks, pointing to a small lamp shaped like a cockerel, a housewarming gift from one of Dan’s Aunt and Uncle.

In his mind Phil hopes, Dan doesn’t love it too much, because he absolutely despises it. Who even gives a lamp shaped like a cock? He’s already decided, if Dan doesn’t allow him not to kill the moth with it, he’s going to slyly push the lamp off the table one day, and Dan wouldn’t even be able to blame him because if anything Dan knows really well about Phil, is not to trust him with precious things in his hand.

“Umm it’s ugly but it’s a gift…”

“A fragile gift. I’m sure your Auntie Faith will understand if it were to just fall down, wouldn’t she?” Phil asks looking Dan in the eye, the moth forgotten for a few moments.

“Umm…” Dan sighs, looks a bit sad, just a bit, because of course, he’d have to be the one to give explanations if Aunt Faith and Uncle Dominic ever did arrive at their doorstep and asked about their gift. But he gives Phil a thumbs up, from his crouched position behind the box containing their cutlery.

He sneakily removes his phone and records as Phil grabs the lamp that had been kept carefully over a bunch of housewarming gifts, actually goes close to the wall, closes his eyes and slams the lamp where the moth laid minding it’s own business. And Dan’s closed his eyes as well, phone held, but not really capturing the scene properly.

It takes them both a few seconds, to open their eyes, after the shattering leaves them shocked for a few seconds.

And suddenly Dan starts screaming.

“You motherfluffer!” He screams at Phil, as the moth flies around him, probably just as scared of the human as the human’s of it. He drops his phone and tries to shield himself with one hand, while blindly swatting it away with the other.

Phil holds back his laugh as he runs towards Dan. He opens the window and tells Dan to try to swat it out.

Somehow, a minute later, they manage to achieve a moth-free house. They both lie down on the floor, just under the window, after having closed it with some unnecessary amount of force. And they’re both breathing heavily, a bit from the adrenaline system activated, thanks to the moth, for fight or flight, and a bit because physical activity is not something they practice routinely.

They both look at each other, shoulders pressed flushed against each other, and start laughing.

“You’re supposed to be the brave one!” Dan tells him, flicking his head with his finger.

“Why me! I’m all too okay with standing behind as you fight moths and rabid mice and hungry tigers off,”

“I don’t think two of those scenarios are going to ever happen, but knowing you and all your strangeness, I wouldn’t be surprised!”

“Hey! Don’t be rude to me, I saved you, my princess, from the scary moth.”

Dan stops laughing and looks away for a second, pursing his lips, because he wants to do something that he has never done before with Phil, but his brain wants to stop thinking and just do it.

So he smiles and turns to Phil again and says, “Yes you did, only after breaking a beautiful lamp gifted to us by my dear Aunt and Uncle and making it fly towards me, you did it. And for that, my handsome prince, you deserve a kiss.”

Phil’s heart skips a beat at the word kiss, but before he even has time to process the word anymore, a soft kiss lands on his warm cheeks.

When Dan pulls back, Phil sees him biting his lip, looking nervous.

And Phil doesn’t know what this is, or what he’s even feeling at the moment, but he smiles back and starts laughing again, pressing a small kiss to Dan’s cheek as well.

“We’re so lame, aren’t we?” He asks Dan.

Dan finds himself agreeing to that after looking at the mess around them and their condition.

But he also finds himself slightly less worried about how they are going to spend the rest of their lives under this new roof.

Although Phil’s sure, he’s going to be the bug killer in this house.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

3.

“Where's Daniel?”

“How’s Dan doing?”

“Where's your husband Philip?”

Phil’s just a bit tired from the question. Just a tiny bit.

“Everyone's been asking me about you,” Phil tells Dan as he finds an abandoned corner, not filled with people wanting a smoke or wanting to make out.

“I wish I was there too. I'm sorry you have to be that lonely guy on wedding. Stupid work!”

“Honestly I don't want you or me to be at this wedding. I want both of us in our house watching some movie with a large bowl of popcorn between us.”

“Stop sulking in a corner Phil Lester. You're with your family, go have fun!” Dan tells him as he half heartedly watches the kids perform A Midsummer Night’s Dream on stage.

“Are you having fun?” He asks Dan.

Dan’s school kids for the first time in past six years had managed to qualify for Inter-School Drama competition held in Leeds. And Dan just had to go along.

“There's only so much fun I can have watching the same performance again and again with the same mistakes again and again. Honestly I'm more surprised than anyone else as to how they got selected.”

“I'm sure it's something to do with their great drama teacher,” Phil says, with a smile playing on his lips.

“I wish.”

There's a comfortable silence between them, as Phil turns around and looks at the people mingling happily with each other, while Dan watches as Lysander confesses his love for Helena. But Helena denies him, because not only did she love Demetrius, but also how neither man wanted her before and now suddenly they wanted her. She finds it more than a bit strange and concludes they both want to mock her. And Dan relates to Helena, because he knows how it feels like having never been anyone’s first choice. Or anybody really wanting him.

Suddenly it strikes him that he’s Phil’s first choice in someway. Phil said he’d rather be home watching a movie with him than be at a wedding alone. And even though it sounds more best friend like a sentiment than a boyfriend or a husband like sentiment, Dan does not seem to find himself minding it all that much. Because he realises Phil has somehow in the past few months gone and become his best friend. And he cherishes that more than anything else, because he’s never had a best friend like Phil before.

“I wish...I wish we were both home too, watching a movie or playing a game together,” He tells him, holding his breath before deciding to confess, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too.” Phil’s reply is instant and sincere and it stirs something in Dan’s heart. He feels it beat in his throat loudly and wonders if Phil could hear it too.

“Come back soon?” Dan wants to say it with authority, but he isn’t sure if he has that right just yet, so instead he asks.

“Of course!” And it something about the confidence in Phil’s tone that makes Dan smile and make a whole swarm of butterflies go crazy in his stomach.

That evening after school, Dan treats all of his drama class kids to ice cream. The kids ask him why he’s being so generous suddenly and smiling too big, but Dan only had a shrug and another smile to offer in return. Because he can’t properly point a finger at this new feeling that Phil’s making him feel.

And Phil finds himself more happier on the train back home to Dan than on the train back home to his family.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

4.

Phil inhales a sweet scent and nuzzles more into it, finding his nose suddenly being tickled instead. He opens his eyes to find a mop of brown hair lying barely a centimeter from his nose. He looks at the figure lying so close to him and it takes him more than a few seconds to register that somehow he and Dan cuddled at some point in their sleep and now are too close to each other.

Phil’s hand is held under Dan’s, stretching over his back, resting right under his chin, one leg lying on top of one of Dan’s. And Phil doesn’t want to let go. He finds himself liking the touch of Dan’s soft hand over his, and his soft leg under his and his back against his chest. It makes his heart race and his breath hitch, but it also makes him not want to pull back ever, because when he cranes his neck to look at Dan’s face, he finds Dan’s black and white duvet fallen down on the floor and Dan cuddled up close to him under his green and blue one, sleeping so peacefully. Phil finds himself wanting to kiss the plump of Dan’s cheek, because he’s looking so cute, all huddled up.

Very slowly, barely touching, he kisses Dan’s cheek, waiting with awaited breath hoping not to have woken him up.

Dan shuffles, but seemingly still asleep and pulls Phil’s hand closer to him, pushing his back more into Phil’s body.

And as much as Phil wants to stay like this forever and treasure this moment, he knows it’s wrong. He does not have Dan’s permission to touch him, much less kiss him and he’s already crossed those two boundaries. He feels guilty.

He sighs and makes up his mind. “Dan, baby.” He doesn’t know where the “baby” comes from, but he finds it quite an apt name for Dan. “Dan wake up,” He’s whispering, not wanting to rudely wake him up.

Dan shuffles around more, moving his hand wildly and sleepily, as if the sound would disappear with his flailing. But he hears someone say his name, softly, almost lovingly? He isn’t too sure. He’s somewhere between dreams and the waking up stage and everything seems real and unreal at the same time.

“Baby, wake up.”

Baby? He wonders if he’s hearing right. Who would call him baby? He forces his brain into wakefulness at that word.

But wakefulness seems too much like dreamland when he finds Phil’s arm around him, his leg wrapped around his own, bodies pressed flushed against each others. Phil calls Dan baby again and Dan’s sure he’s still asleep and dreaming and some part of his infatuated brain has made this scenario up and he wants to stay in that dream for more longer because it seems like one of the best dream. At least in dreams, he figures, he can cuddle up with Phil without confessing anything or any awkwardness.

But just as his eyes close again, Phil shakes him and he is properly jolted into wakefulness, he finds he’s actually cuddled up to Phil in his sleep.

“Erm hi,” Phil offers as an explanation, when Dan turns around to look at Phil without craning his neck.

“Hi?” Dan replies sounding confused.

“We- er- umm- accident?” It’s the best answer Phil can come up with.

“Oh.” It seems like a good enough answer to Dan.

Yet it takes them both a few more moments of staring at each other, then blushing and shuffling away.

“I mean...I guess it was bound to happen some time, right? We both like to cuddle and umm...yeah…” Dan says hesitantly, trying not to make the situation awkward, but making it more awkward.

“Yeah. Umm I’ll go prepare breakfast.” Phil offers, hurrying out of the bed.

Dan’s disappointed at the sudden emptiness of the bed next to him. He wants to cuddle and he wants the cuddler as well. But he wonders if Phil hurried out, because he doesn’t feel the same way back. Dan would rather have Phil as anything in his life than not it all, because even though it’s barely been six months, he finds himself relying on Phil for so many things, like making breakfast, or hot chocolate whenever he’s stressed, or purposefully losing whenever he’s having a bad day, or talking to him when he wants to be talked to and not talking when he doesn’t want. Phil’s has somehow gotten to know Dan so well in such a little while, that Dan doesn’t know if he could live without his best friend.

He gets out of bed with a lump in his throat. He makes his way to the kitchen to find Phil having poured him a bowl of cereal and a cup of coffee as well.

They eat in silence and Phil cannot handle silence well. He usually can with Dan, but this silence is daunting and demanding some answers.

“Dan, look-”

But Dan waves it off, “I’m sorry it happened. It won’t happen again.” Dan’s sure if he’s made to compulsorily have eye contact with Phil in this moment, he would start crying.

“I was going to say, it’s okay that we cuddled. I mean you like cuddling and I like cuddling...well it only makes sense if we occasionally… I mean it’s not something I’m saying should definitely happen, but like if it did, it’s okay, I don’t think it’s-”

“You don’t mind?” Dan asks sounding scared a bit. A tiny little voice in the back of his mind screamed, that may be Phil is mocking him. But he knows Phil better than that. He knows Phil does not have a bad bone in his body. He knows Phil would never lie to him or make fun of his feelings.

Phil shakes his head, a blush covering his cheeks and ears, looking down into his cereal, his heart beating fast.

And Dan finds himself blushing too, looking down into his cereal as well. But slowly, a smile appears on his face and it takes away all the tension from his body. He knows it’s going to be a good day, and he can’t seem to keep the smile off his face for the whole day.

Seeing Dan smile, makes Phil smile as well. And even though that night when Dan doesn’t even bother with his duvet and there is a lot of blushing and adjusting, he finds his heart beating just as fast as it did in the morning and he doesn’t care that it’s probably unhealthy for his heart to beat so fast, because he is happy, very very happy as he slips into sleep with Dan in his arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5.

Dan knows that somewhere in his heart Phil feels the same way about him as he does. Because why else would Phil smile such a brilliant smile when he wakes up from his sleep and finds him in his arms. He doesn’t push him away but kiss his cheek and stretch out, mumbling a good morning interspersed in between the yawn. Dan's sure nobody with platonic feelings does that.

So Dan’s takes his chances. Just a week after sleeping together all cosily, in each other’s arms, but never having slept face to face, Dan takes the bold step to sleep with his face to Phil.

“What?” He asks, feeling a bit scared and a bit insecure when Phil stares at him questioningly.

“You’re...I mean-” Phil tries to explain, but he can’t. Dan’s facing him and sleeping and he isn’t too sure if he’d be able to resist the temptation to kiss Dan’s lips at night or in the morning, when they are only half-awake. As it is, they are just getting used to cuddling and little pecks on the cheek.

“Just sleep Phil. I’m so tired. Twelve year olds are a handful. Goodnight,” Dan says, placing a kiss on Phil’s cheek and quickly closing his eyes, hoping Phil would not reject him.

Phil’s taken aback. But he can’t deny Dan, especially not when he’s so tired and cute and pushing himself under Phil’s chin, into his chest.

“Goodnight Dan,” Phil says kissing the brown mop of hair under him.

And Dan huffs out a breath he didn’t even know he was holding in. All the knots in Dan’s stomach evaporate into nothingness as he feel Phil’s head rest atop of his and a kiss pressed to the top of his head.

When they wake up in the morning, Phil does his usual of muttering good morning and yawning at the same time and kissing Dan’s hair instead, as Dan’s lying under him. But Dan doesn’t let Phil extract himself from the mess of limbs those two had become over the course of the night. Dan’s lying practically on top of Phil, hands and feet knotted around each other.

Dan looks up and kisses Phil’s cheek, close to his lips. And then he kisses his other cheek. His heart is beating fast in fear of rejection, but he wants Phil to know that he likes him, a lot. And Dan’s sure it isn’t even like anymore. It’s slipped into full-on love mode. But he’s too scared to even admit the love thing to himself. So he fights that thought off and kisses Phil’s chin.

Slowly making his way up, Dan’s lips find Phil’s. He kisses Phil lightly, worried anymore and Phil would push him off. But he is surprised when Phil kisses him back as well. And even though Phil’s lips are ever so slightly touching his, just as unsure as him, it’s all that Dan could ever want and he’s happy. Way too happy.

He presses his lips a bit more firmly against Phil’s and Phil does the exact same in response and if there was a whole swarm of butterflies before creating a hurricane in Dan’s stomach, now there are huge jets and airplanes and a whole tornado flying in there.

Phil’s heart skipped a beat when Dan pressed more firmly against him. It assured him that Dan wasn’t playing a cruel joke on him and he wanted this just as well, that he felt the same way.

Dan's hands find their way to Phil's hair and he’s pretty surprised to find that they are still pretty soft despite years of hair colour abuse. He pulls Phil closer by his hair and pushes himself up. He's practically sitting on Phil's stomach and he knows somewhere inside of him that it's going too fast, but he can't bring himself to stop. Not especially when Phil grabs on Dan’s hips and pulls him closer.

Their kisses get more firmer, more surer with every passing second and Dan’s the first to open his mouth and grant Phil’s tongue entrance. They kiss and bite and pull each other closer. Dan can feel his own erection in his pyjamas and Phil’s pressing into his back from behind. Dan’s an especially fast and passionate person. He kisses Phil fiercely, like he’s never going to get a chance to kiss him again. He bites at Phil’s lips and kisses his way to Phil’s ear lobe and pulls on them, earning a soft moan from Phil. On the other hand, Phil is calm and caring. He wants to know all that Dan likes and all that turns him on, slowly and carefully, not wanting to hurt Dan. He finds out Dan gets really turned on by neck kisses and soft air blown just under his ear. He also figures Dan likes hair pulling when he grabs on some of his hair for better support and angle. It's all very new to both of them and they aren't sure just how much is okay.

Dan moans loudly at the hair pulling and the little kisses all over his neck. He pulls at the collar of Phil’s t-shirt, wanting it off and whining a little, to get his message across to Phil. He's not sure what they're going to do once the clothes come off, but he wants to touch Phil and kiss him everywhere and make him moan and wants to be touched and kissed like that in return. But the moment Phil feels Dan trying to pull his t-shirt off, something in him snaps and he pulls away.

Dan’s confused, because he’s sure just a moment ago they were both into it and enjoying it.

“No Dan- we umm- not now,” Phil manages to croak out an explanation, but neither is his explanation good enough, nor his breathing and heart rate right on track just yet.

“Why?” Dan’s worried. He’s worried that he's moved too fast and scared Phil off. That maybe Phil doesn’t even really like him back that much. Or may be Phil doesn’t even like him at all. Dan wants to cry, but he holds all his emotions in, willing to give Phil a chance to explain.

“Because it’s- it’s not right okay!” Phil says, as if it’s the most obvious thing and he wonders why Dan isn’t getting him, feeling a bit annoyed at him.

“And why is it not right?” Dan’s not sure how much longer he can control the tears.

“Because we...I...I want to do this right, but it’s not right. Not like this!”

“If you’re talking about lube and condom, I have those. My umm friends gifted it to me. And if you’re worried about err STDs and stuff, I assure you I’m clean.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about Dan. I- Oh my god you don’t get it!” Phil pushes Dan off him, feeling a bit angry and walks out of the room.

Dan feels the tears, warm and salty fall down his cheeks. “I’d get it if you could just say it out clearly,” Dan tells the empty room around him, burying himself in the green and blue duvet that smells of Phil. He hates himself for still finding comfort in Phil’s duvet and his presence, but he can’t bring himself to stop, not when he’s been so rudely rejected by the guy he was sure he was in love with. He is in love with, his brain corrects, when he realises that he’s crying because of this love.

Phil likes Dan. He’s sure it’s love if he let’s his heart makes his decisions and not his brain. And this time, Phil wants his heart to win. And he wants to win Dan’s heart too. He wants to do it right. The first time he has sex with Dan, he wants it to mean something more than it already does.

So Phil get’s dressed and goes for a walk, to find an answer satisfying enough to explain Dan why he pushed him off.

But Dan doesn’t leave the warmth of the duvet or stop replaying the kiss and the rejection afterwards, over and over again in his head.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

+1.

When Phil finally finds his answer, he happily jogs back home, too excited to finish what they started off in the morning, properly. When he opens the door, he finds Dan sitting by the dining table, on his usual grey chair, with a bunch of bags lying by his feet.

“Dan? What’s all this?” He asks worriedly.

“Apparently I don’t get things, do I Phil? I guess if I don’t get you, I’m probably not right for you. I know a rejection when I see one and I think today morning you made everything quite clear.” Dan’s rehearsed this speech in his mind over and over again, once he could pull himself out of the bed. “I don’t want to be a burden on you. You said I could separate if I ever wanted and that’s what I want, not for me, but for you. I’ll make the whole ‘it’s-not-you-it’s-me’ speech easy on you. You can be free Phil because I know that's what you want.” Dan’s in tears. He has been in tears for the past few hours now. Because Phil was so much more than just love. He was perfect for Dan. He was his best friend and lover in one, and just the right balance for him, always helping him and making him smile and pulling him out of his existential crises and bad moods. He wishes he was enough for Phil too. He feels in his heart that, he’s not the competent one here. That Phil’s too good for him. And all the doubts he had from the first day of their marriage come back to him today and leave him broken.

“Dan, baby.” Phil walks to Dan and falls to the ground at his feet. He holds Dan’s hand and curses himself in his mind for making Dan feel like this.

Dan pulls his hand away from Phil’s hold, not meeting his eye.

“Baby please just listen to me. That’s not what I meant and I’m terrible at explaining, which is why I probably don’t get promoted, but just please listen to me,” Phil begged, holding Dan’s knees.

“I don’t think there’s anything left to explain. You were the one who left the room without any explanations, while I laid there confused and lost and crying, wondering what the fuck I did wrong! You don’t deserve another chance Phil Lester!”

Dan’s pushing Phil off and getting up, grabbing hold of the bag, nearest to him. He wants to walk, but Phil and his blue eyes, covered in tears make him stop for a moment and wonder if he’s doing the right thing. He sighs and shakes his head. He feels it was always too good to be true. That Phil was always too good to be his. He grabs his other bags and walks away from Phil, who’s on the floor, crying.

Just as Dan is a few steps from the door, Phil speaks out, “Dan will you marry me for real this time?”

Dan turns around to find Phil on his knees, with a ring, held in a blue box in his hand.

It’s a cruel joke, obviously, Dan thinks. But it stops him. He can’t seem to take a step forward or backward.

“Well?” Phil prompts Dan for an answer, but Dan’s frozen, too stunned to make any rational conclusions of the situation.

Phil sighs. “This is what I meant by right. We were married before we fell in love and I just...I just wanted to be married to you properly before we made love. It’s probably a silly thought and it probably doesn’t even matter to you. I mean it’s the 21st century! Of course it doesn’t matter. Loads of people have sex before marriage and before they fall in love and it’s a stupid old concept to wait till marriage for sex, that I somehow thought you’d realise what I meant earlier this morning, but of course that was highly stupid of me to just assume people would know what’s going on in this weird brain of mine and I’m sorry for what I put you through and-”

“Shut the fuck up you complete arsehole Phil Lester!” Dan says picking up one of his tiny bag and hitting Phil right on his head with it. He hits Phil’s shoulders with the bag, before dropping it and himself to the ground, to hit Phil with his hands. He punches his arms and his stomach calling him an arsehole over and over again.

“You could’ve saved me a lot of tears and terrible terrible thoughts and depression if you could’ve said all of this in the morning you utter pillock!” Dan tells hims, feeling tears soaking his shirt again, but he’s sure this time they are happy tears.

“I just- I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to have ever made you feel unloved Dan. I love you. I really do. I was being stupid. I hope you can forgive me?” Phil asks with a hopeful smile, wiping away the snot and tears with the hem of his shirt, feeling the weight lift off his shoulders with all of dan’s cursing and hits. He’s happy Dan’s hitting and cursing him rather than walking out of the door.

“Forgive you? Hmm let’s see. Forgiveness consists of having me in your life forever and dealing with all my mood swings and impulses and my obnoxious behaviour and existential crises and my obsessivness with symmetry and gaming and all of the things I feel passionate about. Do you think you can do that?” This was Dan’s way of asking if Phil would accept him at his best and worst too.

“I do. Do you think you can handle me eating all of your cereal always and leaving the kitchen cupboards open and leaving socks everywhere and support my plant addiction or whatever latest non-drug addiction I have?” Phil asks Dan, wanting the same kind of confirmation back.

“I do.”

Phil puts the newly bought ring, a simple silver band, with a small diamond in the center, over the platinum one he had put on Dan’s finger at their wedding, five months and twenty-eight days ago.

“I don’t have a ring for you,” Dan tells Phil as he looks at the doubly studded finger of his.

“Well I guess I’ll lower my standards for you Mr Husband. I’ll do without one,” Phil says with a wink and a smirk, to assure Dan he’s joking, because he still isn’t sure what is okay and not okay in such an intense situation, because he's never had a serious fight with Dan before. The last fight he could remember having with Dan was over if they should eat popcorn or crisps with the movie. Of course Dan and his popcorn won.

“Oh thank you so much my darling for being such a kind and wonderful husband! Shall we now finally kiss?” Dan asks with a nervous chuckle, trying to play it cool. Though he's sure he doesn't look one bit cool with tear soaked face and red splattered cheeks.

“Well you may now kiss your husband and promise to always kiss him everyday.”

Dan smiles, leaning into Phil. “I promise,” he says and seals it with a kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~