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“Holy heck,” Kuroo gasps, because he is a four-year-old child who cannot say the “s-word” out loud. “Unbelievable! Tsuks!”
Again, four-year-old.
Tsukishima doesn’t move from his comfy spot on the couch. He pushes his glasses up his nose from where they are slowly slipping down and blatantly ignores his annoying boyfriend with his annoying bedhead hair and his annoying golden eyes that shine in the morning light and remind him of stars because- Heck.
“Tsukkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii,” Kuroo whines. Tsukishima is honestly starting to think he’s actually four years old.
“What,” he finally says, setting down the book, sending Kuroo an unimpressed glare from behind his glasses. “This better be worth interrupting my thirteenth read-through of all seven books of the entire Harry Potter series.”
“Plus The Tales of Beedle the Bard, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, Quidditch Through the Ages, all three Pottermore Presents books , and The Cursed Child ,” Akaashi supplies helpfully from behind the sofa, where he is digging out books for Tsukishima, who is, obviously, obsessed.
“I bought, like, six ebooks for you! And a kindle!” Bokuto boasts gleefully from the loveseat, which he is currently draped over like some kind of a bicolored sloth. “I love you, Tsukki!”
“Explain,” Tsukishima says sharply to Kuroo, like he’s reprimanding a small child. Which Kuroo is. He doesn’t reply to Bokuto, but he does walk over and pat him on his fluffy black-and-white head once or twice. Bokuto preens under his touch.
“Come here! Look!” Kuroo waves his heavy-as-heck computer in the air, which is only possible because he goes to the gym like sixty times a day and is built. Unlike Bokuto, who is actually a tank. That probably is fluent in Owl.
Tsukishima groans half-heartedly and makes his way over to where Kuroo is situated on the carpet, dorky glasses on, a disbelieving look on his face. “What.”
“They put me in Slytherin !”
Akaashi pokes his head up from behind the sofa. “Slytherin? What’s wrong with Slytherin?” He squints at Kuroo from behind his own glasses, for reading only because he's an old person, obviously. “You are very Slytherin. It makes sense.” Akaashi ducks back behind the sofa, muttering “pain-in-the-ass Kuroo” to himself.
“B-b-b-but I can’t be in Slytherin!” Kuroo exhales. “That’s where the bad guys are!” Tsukishima doesn’t know if he wants to laugh or cry. Kuroo is such a child . “Besides, my color is red , and cats are my spirit animal! That obviously puts me in Gryffindor with Bo!”
Bokuto abandons his spot on the couch in favor of bouncing over and flopping himself over Kuroo’s shoulder. “Broooo, it’s okay, not everyone can be in Gryffindor! Besides, your favorite boyfriend is in Slytherin! And you’re kinda talking to him right now.”
“I’m a bad guy?” is the only thing Tsukishima can manage. He thinks he’s tearing up with the effort of holding his laughter in. Kuroo’s head whips around as soon as he hears that and he immediately stands up, tossing his poor abused computer and Bokuto to the side in favor of hugging Tsukishima as hard as his guns can allow. Tsukishima swears he hears his own bones cracking.
“Noo, I didn’t mean that! You know I didn’t mean that! I loooove you, Tsukki! You’re my favorite Slytherin! You’re not my favorite boyfriend, though, because I love all of you equally.”
Bokuto gives him a look.
“Okay I’m lying, I like you the most.”
Tsukishima pats his head condescendingly. “At this rate, I’m going to ditch you for Akaashi. I don’t think he would be opposed to that. Right, Akaashi?”
Akaashi sighs faintly from behind Tsukishima and vaults over it in a single graceful move, landing primly on the actual sofa. “It’s a Pottermore quiz. Calm down. Tsukishima-san, I’ll gladly be your favorite boyfriend. Bokuto, stop crying. Kuroo, please don’t tell me you’re scared of being in Slytherin because Voldemort looks like your old biology teacher… and he doesn’t have a nose.”
“And his snake looks like it could strangle me,” Kuroo whimpers into Tsukishima’s shoulder. “My bio teacher had a pet snake t-too.”
Bokuto is doing something on the floor that involves large inhales of breath in between sobs. Tsukishima thinks he’s crying, or laughing, or doing something illicit, but he’s proven wrong when the human personification of an owl perks up and starts clacking away at Kuroo’s abandoned computer. “Oho, you’re scared of Voldemort? And Nagini? Nagini’s, like, my favorite character! She’s actually pretty cute. Look!” Kuroo turns around, spots the snake, and screams, shoving Tsukishima in front of him.
“May the Lord deliver us,” Akaashi supplements dryly, making his way to his three boyfriends.
Bokuto jabs the computer screen excitedly, a wicked grin on his face. Tsukishima locks eyes with Kuroo as he drags a finger purposefully down the screen, where a picture of Voldemort’s beloved snake is proudly displayed as Kuroo’s new homescreen.
He breaks the impromptu snake-induced staring contest at Akaashi’s amused chuckle, and moves his eyes to his other boyfriend. “You suck,” Akaashi says simply.
“Yeah, and he’s good at it,” Bokuto hollers. Tsukishima kicks him, and Bokuto drops the computer on his own toe. “Ho ly Voldemort shizzles-”
“DON’T MENTION THAT CURSED NAME IN THIS SACRED HOUSEHOLD-”
“If someone mentions Voldemort one more time I’m breaking up with all of you except Akaashi because he’s good and sane-”
“... Ew, oh god, are you guys kissing in the middle of an argument?!”
“Yeah, are you jealous?”
“Heck yeah. I’m joining!”
“Don’t leave me out of this! This is a family discussion-”
“Choke on a Snargaluff, Tetsurou.”
They abandon the topic pretty quickly after that (in favor of making out on the couch).