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Andrew followed Neil up the stairs and had two cigarettes out and lit before they walked through the rooftop access door. Neil kept walking all the way to the edge of the roof and Andrew’s stomach clenched, but he followed Neil and sat beside him. He looked at the slim cigarette between his fingers in his left hand and twisted his wrist before reaching into his pocket and pulling out the second set of keys to his new car. Neil glanced at his hand but didn’t reach out to accept the key. Andrew curled his fingers around the key before dropping it to the concrete.
“A man can only have so many issues,” Andrew said. “It’s just a key.”
“You’re a foster child. You know it isn’t” Neil said. He stroked two fingers over the key. “I’ve always had enough cash to live comfortably, but all the decent places ask too many questions. There are background checks and credit checks and references, things I can’t provide on my own without leaving too much of a trail. I squatted in Millport. Before that, I stayed in decrepit weekly hotels or broke into people’s cars or found places that were happy being paid under the table.”
Andrew, himself, never had the cash or the opportunity to try existing on his own. Part of him, a tiny voice deep inside him wondered what his life might have been like if he had been Neil. He immediately squashed that voice that wondered what if. What if’s didn’t matter in Andrew’s world; the only thing that mattered was reality.
“It’s always been ‘go’,” Neil said. “It’s always been ‘lie’ and ‘hide’ and ‘disappear’. I’ve never belonged anywhere or had the right to call anything my own. But Coach gave me keys to the court, and you told me to stay. You gave me a key and called it home.” Neil glanced up at Andrew with a slightly wild look in his eyes. “I haven’t had a home since my parents died.”
Andrew felt something boil up inside him and he got it in a stranglehold as quickly as he could. It felt like something hot was clawing its way up his throat and he didn’t know if he could swallow it down. Andrew dug a finger in Neil’s cheek before pinching his cheeks and forcibly turned his head away. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not your answer, and you sure as fuck aren’t mine.”
Neil tried to turn back against Andrew’s hand but couldn’t. His cheeks were pinched together in a way that pushed his lips out and muffled his voice when he said, “I’m not looking for an answer. I just want—“
Neil gestured vaguely. “I’m tired of being nothing.”
Andrew had always felt unfathomable. There were very few people that Andrew felt could understand him. Plenty of people had tried. There came a time when you reached the end of your rope and the only thing to do was to drop off. He was acutely familiar with what the end of the rope looked like. He had dropped off long ago because after a certain amount of time clinging onto the rope without help was excruciating. Neil was at the end of his rope and unlike Andrew; he had someone to reach out to.
“You are a Fox. You are always going to be nothing.” Andrew stubbed his cigarette out.
In a what-if world, Andrew might reach out and pull Neil closer, but it wasn’t a what-if world, was it? Bee was always telling Andrew that he could make his what-if world the real world. Andrew couldn’t do that. He was too damaged, too broken to be able to reach out. Neil was a persistent want buzzing at the back of his head, and Andrew didn’t know how to get rid of him. If he reached out, he would be uncovering a part of himself, that once uncovered, you couldn’t really hide again. God, Andrew fucking hated Neil, and he told him just that.
“Nine percent of the time you don’t.”
“Nine percent of the time, I don’t want to kill you. I always hate you.” Andrew wanted to squash him like a bug. Or maybe punch something or someone. There was this thing that was trying to crawl its way out of his throat and he didn’t know how to put a name to it.
“Every time you say that I believe you a little less.”
“No one asked you.” Andrew caught Neil’s face in his hands to lean in to kiss him. Maybe everything that was boiling up inside him would be transferred over to the other man. Andrew wasn’t sure what he wanted. He kissed Neil with all the barely contained whatever that was roiling inside him and trying to find a way out. He slid his hands along Neil’s cheeks and brushed over his ears before slipping down so his thumbs were pressed up under Neil’s jaw and his fingers landed against the back of his neck.
Neil shifted under Andrew as his hands moved towards Andrew’s face, and Andrew mentally steeled himself for the touch. Neil’s lips faltered for a second before his hands dropped to Andrew’s jacket and fisted themselves there. Andrew started to lean back and Neil surged forward, following his lips. Andrew leaned back all the way and Neil looked at him with a dazed look in his eye and if that wasn’t the only thing that could have extinguished whatever was trying to escape him.
“Tell me no,” Andrew bit out. Neil just looked at him with that same stupid fucking expression on his face and that was enough for Andrew to completely drop back out of Neil’s space. Because Neil was too fucking stupid to tell him no. “Let go. I am not doing this with you right now.”
He pushed Neil out of the way and fumbled for a cigarette and a lighter. He wasn’t—Andrew wasn’t—there was nothing that was worth being his abusers. Neil didn’t swing and he still kissed Andrew anyway. Andrew knew all about owing people. He knew, so acutely, what someone as stupid as Neil was might do for a home. And Andrew hated him. Hated him for being so ignorant, so trusting, so goddamn lonely that—
He managed one drag before he put out the cigarette beside him. His hands were shaking and he needed to get himself under control. He jerkily shook out a third before lighting that one too. Neil reached out and snatched the cigarette from between his fingers before laying it on the ground next to his own cigarette. Andrew didn’t fucking care. He tossed the cigarettes to the side, just out of reach and pulled his knees to his chest. There was only one thing in this world that Andrew knew he couldn’t survive, and he wasn’t about to let someone who was too stupid to know his own limits let him become that.
“Why not?”
“Because you’re too stupid to tell me no,” Andrew said.
“And you don’t want me to tell you yes?” Neil asked, confused. And in some way, Andrew thought that made it worse because Neil was still too stupid to get it.
“This isn’t yes. This is a nervous breakdown. I know the difference even if you don’t. I won’t be like them. I won’t let you let me be.”
Neil opened and closed his mouth like a fish, and there was that feeling: the need to swat at him like a relentless bug because no one should be able to drag this reaction out of Andrew. Neil tried again. “The next time one of them says you’re soulless I might have to fight them.”
Andrew wanted to launch him off the side of the building. It wouldn’t take much. They were already at the edge. Just straightening out his leg and clipping Neil’s hip would be enough to send him sprawling.
“Ninety-two percent going on ninety-three.”
Neil cracked a smile. It wasn’t the one that made Andrew feel like Neil would eviscerate the next person who looked at him funny, but a real one. Andrew pretended he didn’t notice. Maybe he would throw Neil off of the side of the building and go and get Waffle House, he could go for cheesy grits and chocolate milk.
Neil grabbed the key and stood up before brushing off the seat of his pants. “Hey. Thank you.”
“Go away before I push you off the side.”
“Do it. I’d drag you with me,” Neil said with a cheerful grin before leaving.
When the door slammed back into place Andrew reached over and passed the cigarette Neil had stolen from him in favor of Neil’s cigarette. It wasn’t lit anymore but he put it between his lips anyway, remembering the way that Neil’s own lips had closed over it without inhaling. Andrew was fucked.