Chapter Text
Taehyung was dizzy.
Jungkook’s lips were so soft against his. Taehyung couldn’t be entirely sure that he was breathing. He was light headed, his guts were twisted all up, and his heart was pounding. He had a thought in the back of his mind that he might pass out. He didn’t care.
He wasn’t sure how long the kiss had lasted. He was frozen in time; skin tingling and burning but not hurting. Definitely not hurting. Taehyung leaned further into Jungkook so he could feel his mouth press harder against him.
There was a moan stuck in his throat. Tears unshed behind his eyelids. Lights going off in big, shameless bursts. His mind was quiet for once. Like it had been dipped in honey.
Finally, someone―Taehyung wasn’t sure who―pulled away. Taehyung almost cried out, almost said no. But there was something important about this situation that he was forgetting.
He started to draw breath into his lungs like he’d been underwater for days. And when he opened his eyes, he had to blink the tears away. The warmth in his body had grown until every inch of him was soaked in it. Until he could feel it glow on the edges of his fingertips.
Jungkook’s gaze was steady as he looked at him. Nothing about Taehyung was steady as he stared back. Had Jungkook’s eyes always been so…? It was just. Taehyung felt like there was more. Like if he stared longer, he would find more of Jungkook.
He licked his lips. He wanted to kiss him again. But he couldn’t...shit!
“Shit!” He stepped away from Jungkook. Tripped over the chair he’d forgotten was behind him. Caught himself on his toes, swerved and bumped backwards into the door handle. “Uh.” He turned the knob behind himself.
Jungkook wasn’t looking at him, head purposefully turned away. His body was stiff and his head was angled down. Taehyung felt a pang in his chest. Jungkook was hurt and he couldn’t do anything about it.
He wanted to go to him. He wanted to kiss him. He couldn’t go to him, Taehyung would just want to attach himself to Jungkook’s mouth for the rest of his life. Which made no sense. But it did. But Taehyung had a girlfriend. And he wasn’t gay. At least not that he knew―
“I’m sorry, I―”
But Jungkook was already shaking his head. “It’s okay.” It wasn’t okay and neither was he. He still wasn’t looking at Taehyung. He didn’t know what to do.
“I’m sorry,” he said again. And then he was stumbling backwards out of Jungkook’s apartment.
―
Jungkook made his way back to the couch on shaky legs. He’d fucked it up. Everything was fucked up. He shouldn’t have let his guards drop like that. He shouldn’t have kissed Taehyung like that.
Even if the kiss had been Taehyung’s idea. Even if Taehyung had a girlfriend. Jungkook was stupid for thinking that it was okay. That it wouldn’t get weird. That she made something like this safe. That it didn’t count as cheating if Taehyung didn’t think he was into guys. Jungkook knew better. Fuck.
All because Jungkook was desperate. Just because it would have been one kiss and Taehyung would have forgotten about it and Jungkook could keep it. Just because it was Taehyung. Just because he’d shrugged so easily and said of course so easily and after all the arguing Jungkook had done, Taehyung had kissed him so easily.
And then it suddenly wasn’t easy at all. Suddenly Taehyung had frozen and he’d made a noise that Jungkook had never heard from him in his life. And suddenly Jungkook was stepping in―couldn’t help stepping in, and his mind was falling apart under the kiss and all he wanted in the world was more.
And Taehyung’s expression afterwards. He’d never seen that look on his face. Such shock. Taehyung was sharp. He picked things up faster than other people did and his mind was usually six steps ahead of everyone else. He wasn’t surprised by people all that easily, and he definitely wasn’t easily shocked. Jungkook tended to surprise him a lot, but he never shocked him all that much anymore.
But he had. And the way Taehyung’s mouth had fallen open...part of Jungkook knew that this was completely new territory for him and that was probably why. But another part of him, the part of him that knew what Taehyung liked and didn’t like, wanted to believe that Taehyung liked it. That he’d wanted more, too.
Which was selfish as hell. Taehyung had a girlfriend, and all Jungkook cared about was himself. And the way that he’d run out of Jungkook’s apartment didn’t suggest that Taehyung would want anything to do with him ever again.
And that was the scariest part. That he’d lose Taehyung over this. Or that there would now be a permanent scar on their relationship that nothing would fix.
He’d really fucked up.
―
It had been the strangest week ever. Ever since Taehyung had left Jungkook’s apartment without explaining himself―without explaining anything at all, they could barely stay in the same room for five minutes without one of them leaving.
Taehyung hated it. He just wanted a chance to apologize. Actually, he wanted to talk about what happened so he could process it out loud. But the only person he wanted to about it was the only person he couldn’t. Every time he tried, he just seemed to choke on all the words. And then Jungkook would be out of sight within moments.
That night, Taehyung had stayed up all night trying to stop himself from thinking. But all the video games and all the music in the world couldn’t seem to drown out the voice in the back of his mind telling him that he was―
Well, a cheater for one. A big fat stinky cheater. It was so loud that he couldn’t sleep. And when it was around 7am the next morning, he’d taken his bicycle over to Eunsoo’s apartment. He hadn’t thought about how early it was until he saw her hair in the big mess he liked around her shoulders.
Breaking up with her had been terrible. The same way it always was. Taehyung always hated the look that came over their faces. He’d expected to be slapped like in the dramas, the way he always expected break-ups would go. But instead, he felt awful and terrible, wishing he was the one getting dumped instead.
But it never was. He’d always broken things off first. On his miserable ride back to his apartments, he was forced to think about why.
He’d called in sick that day. He was too tired and upset to care about work. But subconsciously, he knew it was because he was scared of seeing Jungkook again. Scared of what he’d felt―
And now he was thinking about the kiss again. That now familiar heat rose up from the pit of his belly and he had to duck his head to hide what he was sure was a red face. He’d never gotten a red face thinking about a kiss before. At least now he knew why.
Heaving a sigh, he pushed away from his computer. He was in no mood to input data. He was in no mood for anything. He’d had a miserable week and all he wanted was to see Jungkook.
He was right on the other side of the cubicle but not really. All week, any time Taehyung spoke to him, it was one word responses and zero eye contact that he got back. No one else had noticed because was usually really quiet, but he wasn’t quiet with Taehyung. He never had been.
And now it was just headphones and silence. And Jungkook hated work even more than Taehyung did.
It was a second of deliberation before Taehyung decided to end this. He got up and peered over into the cubicle directly in front of his.
“Oi, cucumber toes.”
Jungkook wasn’t there. Instantly, all the bravado deflated out of Taehyung. He flopped back into his seat, kicking his arms and feet out, and sighed. He didn’t think it would take that much out of him say hi to his best friend. He hated this.
Suddenly, there was a banana lain down across his eyes. And then a wrapped granola bar across his mouth.
He’d seen Jungkook a millisecond before the banana was obscuring his vision, and―flailing and catching himself before he tipped backwards―and catching the food as it slid down his face―he sat up.
But Jungkook was already halfway to his seat. A moment of sadness filled Taehyung up before he pressed his lips together and slammed the food down on his desk. Jungkook looked over in alarm, and that’s when Taehyung remembered that bananas are soft and he shouldn’t throw them.
He pet the bruise as an apology and got up. Took nice long strides up to Jungkook.
And immediately stopped in his tracks. He was so tall. Had he always been that tall? Why hadn’t Taehyung noticed? Why couldn’t he stop noticing it now?
Oh no. that one strand of hair was falling into Jungkook’s eyes again. The one Taehyung had swept casually out of his eyes a million times before. But now it was different. Now…
No. Taehyung reached his hand out. Jungkook just stood still, watching him. And when Taehyung brushed the hair out of his eyes, he blinked slowly. His eyes stayed closed. And Taehyung was suddenly burning again.
He could feel every inch of his skin and where it was meeting Jungkook’s own. He was hyper aware of the small breath Jungkook had taken; the rise of his chest; the flutter of his eyelashes. Taehyung’s hand was so big beside his cheek. He cupped Jungkook’s face.
Taehyung’s legs went weak. His stomach clenched painfully and an exquisite ache tightened his spine. He drew his hand back before he stepped in and kissed Jungkook right there. Right in the middle of their office floor. Right where anyone could walk in.
And as soon as Taehyung had withdrawn his palm, Jungkook’s eyes had snapped open. His posture stiffened and refused to meet Taehyung’s eyes. Before Taehyung could say anything, Jungkook turned on his heel and headed back to his cubicle.
It was after he picked up his messenger bag and slung it on his shoulders that Taehyung realized it was time to go home. That’s why it had been so empty. Most everyone had already headed home. He remembered people saying goodbye to him, but it was so vague that it could have happened yesterday or the day before or the day before…
Jungkook was leaving. Taehyung had to say something. He was by the door. After the elevator, Taehyung wouldn’t be able to catch up―
He started jogging after him. But he was too far away. Taehyung swallowed to clear his throat. But the words didn’t come.
By the time he made it to the door, too, Jungkook was gone. Taehyung’s head dropped on his shoulders.
After a while, he didn’t know how long, he walked back to his cubicle and logged off.
―
The rain poured down the single glass window in Taehyung’s apartment. It was Saturday again, but this time he wasn’t at Jungkook’s place for movie night. There was no stupid talk about a stupid game about stupid kissing. There was just rain on his glass window by himself at 8pm.
Taehyung knew what it was. He absolutely knew what it was.
He liked Jungkook. He liked Jungkook. Like that. Like in dramas. Like in the movies with the rain.
He should have felt bad about breaking up with Eunsoo, but he didn’t. After that kiss with Jungkook, it was all he seemed to care about. Jungkook and kissing Jungkook again. He’d never cared about any of his relationships like he’d cared about that kiss. He’d never missed them like he missed that kiss, either.
That was what all the weirdness was this week. All the strange heat in his skin whenever Jungkook was nearby and the tugging at the pit of his stomach whenever he looked over to find him studiously ignoring him.
Attraction. It had taken a long time for Taehyung to identify it because he’d never felt it like that before. A single kiss had never, ever made him feel like that.
He was scared. He wasn’t ready for any of this and he was scared. He was afraid of everything and he hated it. Taehyung thought he was brave. He’d fight for anyone who needed it. At least that’s what he thought. But he didn’t know.
He dragged a finger down the glass. Jungkook would think the squeak was funny. The caterpillar smudge even more so.
Taehyung got his legs out of the sink and swung them over the edge. Then he maneuvered his lower body out of the other half of the sink and dropped to the kitchen floor. He had to go to him. He had to go to Jungkook.
He grabbed a plastic bag from his bag of plastic bags and put his phone inside. Then he made his way downstairs―stopping halfway when he remembered that he left his wallet inside his apartment. He debated for a second whether to go back for it―
And kept going. He was feeling more brave than scared and he didn’t know how long it would last.
Riding his bike in the rain wasn’t romantic. It was utter hell. He was cold as shit and he could barely see and the wetness wasn’t helping anything or anyone. He was amazed to have made it to Jungkook’s apartment at all.
He buzzed the number. As soon as he heard Jungkook pick up he started talking. “Open up cucumber boy.”
He heard the exhale of air that was Jungkook’s amused laugh. When the door buzzed open, Taehyung started sprinting up the stairs. His clothes were heavy on his body, making loud squelching noises as he hurled himself against the force of gravity.
He paused to catch his breath on the last flight, freezing and panting and hot but cold but not. When he wasn’t wheezing anymore, he continued upward. Jungkook was standing outside his apartment looking confused.
“What the f―” Jungkook started as soon as Taehyung made it to the top.
“I’m gay.” No, that wasn’t what he wanted to start with. “I’m cold. Wait, I mean.” He took a small breath. “I like you.”
“You’re gay?” Jungkook’s face looked like a power outlet.
“No. I mean...maybe? Probably. I like you―or , I liked kissing you.” He started shivering. “Is this romantic, yet? ―Fuck, it’s cold. Let’s sort this out inside.”
Mouth still hanging open, eyes staring blankly, Jungkook stepped aside.
Closing the door behind them, Jungkook made his way to his bedroom. Taehyung couldn’t see his expression, but he knew that he was bringing him his clothes. Taehyung hoped it would be that shirt of Jungkook’s that he liked so much. It smelled exactly like him and it was so soft.
When he spotted in his Jungkook’s arms, Taehyung teared up. It was exactly what he needed. And after he went to the only other bathroom as familiar to him as his own, he took a moment to breath.
Standing naked in Jungkook’s bathroom wasn’t a new experience for him, either. But this was different. Sliding Jungkook’s dry tshirt over his cold, wet skin was so different. Hugging it to his body and inhaling felt―he stopped.
It felt invasive. Like he was trying to take something that wasn’t his.
He ground his jaw and put on Jungkook’s shorts as quickly as possible. Made his was out of the bathroom just as fast.
Jungkook was sitting cross legged on the couch, facing the bathroom. They made eye contact immediately, and just like that, Taehyung wasn’t brave anymore. He was just scared and small and lost.
He ambled over to the couch. Sat down facing the TV, Jungkook to his left. And then he started vibrating inside his skin; all the energy in the world bubbling over the edges of his body. It lasted between two seconds and a lifetime. And then Jungkook got closer. Taehyung looked down at his hands.
“You like me?” For some reason, he sounded like he was holding back a laugh. And suddenly Taehyung had to laugh, too. And as soon as he looked over, Jungkook let out a massive snort.
And then they were off. Taehyung was delirious, his stomach cramping from how long and hard the laugh had lasted. His face was burning and he was so embarrassed and so exposed and he had no idea what he was doing.
But Jungkook’s laugh sounded the same way it always did. Like Elmo possessed. Like farting in Taehyung’s direction or pulling a prank that Taehyung fell for because he could never predict what Jungkook was going to do.
And just like that, Jungkook’s apartment was familiar again. It was the same couch Taehyung was allowed to sit in and the same tshirt Taehyung was allowed to like the most. The same TV and the same carpet and the same video games and the same walls that echoed back Jungkook’s shrieks when he lost.
“I can’t believe you like me. My toes smell like cucumbers. You freak.” Taehyung felt Jungkook’s toes wriggle underneath his butt.
“I broke up with Eunsoo.” Jungkook got quiet. Come to think of it, Jungkook always got quiet whenever Taehyung brought up his girlfriends. “I didn’t like cheating. She cried.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” It wasn’t Jungkook’s fault. “I drew sad slime on my kitchen window while it rained today. But I wasn’t sad because of her. I was sad because we were missing movie night.”
“Me too.”
“You drew sad slime?”
“No, I missed you.”
“Oh.” Taehyung felt warm. Warmer than when he’d put on the dry clothes. Warm like sunsets at 10pm in the middle of summer.
“I like you, too.”
“Oh.” Jungkook’s tshirt smelled so nice. Just like him. It was nice like him. And Taehyung was more brave than he was afraid. “Can I hug you?”
“Yes.” Taehyung put his feet on the couch and climbed over to Jungkook’s lap. Sitting across it, he put his arm around Jungkook’s neck and tucked him between his shoulder and ear. Jungkook let out a deep sigh at the same time that Taehyung did.
They sat quietly as they recovered. It had been a long week. Taehyung could feel Jungkook’s pulse racing in his neck. Taehyung was sure Jungkook could feel his, too. But they were relaxed into each other and Taehyung was so happy to have that back.
“Let’s play a game.” Jungkook stiffened. “No, no that one. A video game.” His muscles relaxed underneath Taehyung.
“Okay.”
But neither of them moved. And it was just as well.