Work Text:
The night was dark, little to no light reflecting off the moon and into your bedroom. The only light illuminating the room at all was what was coming from your laptop screen. You were waiting.
The dark pit in your stomach only grew as you looked around, eyes scanning in the darkness but not seeing anything. You weren't expecting anything yet somehow it still was shocking and saddening at the same time.
You are alone. You knew that. No one shared the home with you so why wouldn't you be alone?
Once again the phone at your side lit up, showing a new text.
'hey, you ok?'
You ignored it. Dean worried about you, both of the Winchesters did, but right now you couldn't find it in you to respond. Where you okay? You didn't know, you tried not to think about it.
You're lonely. It seemed that everyone you considered a friend was now gone. The Winchesters were taking up cases miles away, the few friends you had before stopped talking to you when you moved, and the one other person whom you consider a best friend wasn't helping. You didn't know anyone here either and anxiety didn't help you make friends either.
Your laptop eventually went dim due to inactivity. You had been waiting for an online friend to reply, you felt that you didn't have anyone else right now. Dean was just checking in, making sure you didn't get killed by the things he hunts- He most likely wouldn't even reply after you if you responded so you didn't see the point right now. Sam usually chatted more than his brother but you didn't want to bother them if they were on a hunt. They always had something to do; Something to chase or someone to save.
You had known the boys since they were young, after John became a hunter. Your mom was a friend of Bobby's so when she passed you found yourself at his home quite a lot. You didn't mind it most days, he even let you call him "uncle bobby" even though you weren't even close to being related. That's where you met the boys, when you were all so small and innocent. Unfortunately that's also where you took different paths. You knew about the monsters, about what goes bump in the night, but you were able to live a normal life. You were raised with a hunter, knew all the tricks and the lore, but you didn't become one. You still helped out when needed, got the boys out of trouble even after Bobby had passed away but eventually you weren't needed. The boys found the closest thing to friendship in other hunters. You didn't completely stop talking though, you kept each other in the loop about what was happening. Hell, you even managed to get them to skype with you a few times but it seems that lately the conversations just get shorter and shorter. It's terrifying because not only do you feel like you're losing two childhood best friends but you don't know if they're going to end up dead. Every time you talk you dread the end of the conversation because what if something happens? They're always managing to get themselves in trouble so it wouldn't be completely surprising but you didn't want them to go.
An hour or so had passed, finally just closing your computer. It took a moment but your eyes adjusted to the dark, sitting against the wall. You pressed your back further on the wall, wanting to just pass through it and disappear.
What time was it? You quickly checked your phone but when you did, a new text message appeared.
'Dean's worried about you. We both are.' Sam. You always had a crush on the younger brother, he had such a big heart.
You didn't want to respond. Not because you wanted to ignore them but because you weren't sure what you could say, your whole body just felt heavy.
It was no secret that you had depression, it had plagued you since you were a young kid. Everything just seemed to make it worse; First it was your mother. Your father was never around so it was just you two for awhile. A heart attack got her when you were only twelve.
Next came your 'realizations'. There had always been a sort of disconnection from who you were and who people saw you as- You did some research and soon came out as trans. There wasn't much difference save for the fact that now everyone saw you as the male you are, no more thinking you were a girl. Bobby was beyond understanding and accepting, he helped you get what you needed as best he could and never slipped up on pronouns. The boys did as well but they rarely spoke about it so you weren't really sure if they understood or not. They accept you though and that's what matters.
"So, if everyone accepts you what's the problem?" It wasn't a hard question: Dysphoria. Gender dysphoria to be exact. With how things are, with where you stand financially, you can't start on hormones yet or get the surgery you want. You still have a high voice and have to wear chest binders. It's not ideal but you manage. You get by. Some days are worse, days and nights like tonight when it seems that nothing is working out. Your chest isn't flat enough or your hair doesn't lat right. It's days like this where you struggle to do any task, struggle to get up.
A few more minutes pass before you reply to Sam.
'sorry, im fine. really.'
You didn't even set your phone down before getting a reply.
'you sure? we're here for you if you need us'
He always said that but they wouldn't understand. Besides, you didn't want to be another thing they have to worry about.
'yeah'
'sorta'
'sorta?' You didn't want to explain to them that you didn't feel "man enough". You just... didn't reply. He probably would forget about you anyway.
You set your phone down on the floor of your bedroom and walked to the bathroom, flicking the lights on. Showers were your one constant. The one thing you could always fall back on. Unfortunately, you had picked the absolute worst time to take one and regretted it the moment your clothes were off. The large mirror just showed you everything you wanted so badly to hide. Tears started streaming down your cheeks as you put your clothes on again in a rush. Once they were on again you just sat there on the floor, sobbing your eyes out. It's the only thing you can think about, the only thing invading your thoughts.
You almost missed the knock on your front door, pausing and waiting until you heard it again. The sound came again but this time it was accompanied by your name being called from the other side. You got up with furrowed eyebrows, quickly drying your face with your shirt. The voice was gruff but familiar.
You open the door and standing on the other side are the two Winchesters, both with worried expressions on their face. Your jaw went a bit slack, you probably looked like a fish but it didn't bother you. Was it really them?
Your question was answered when Sam stepped forward and engulfed you in a tight hug. "I told you that we were worried," his voice was soft and caring, god you missed this.
For a moment you didn't know what to say. "I- Did you come all this way just for me?" You couldn't help but feel guilty, there were so many people out there that needed them yet here they were, with you.
Dean was the next one to speak, stepping inside your apartment and closing the door behind him. "'Course we did but don't feel too bad about it, we needed to be in the area anyway."
Sam finally let you go, relieved that you were safe.
"So that's how you got here so fast."
"Pretty much." Dean crossed his arms loosely, examining your face.
"We were going to surprise you tomorrow morning but plans changed." Sam gave a warm smile, patting your shoulder. He noticed too, even before Dean subtly nudged his side.
"Have you been crying?" They seemed hesitant, like they weren't sure how to handle a crying person. Which was probably true.
"I mean yeah but I'm cool now, I'm good." They didn't really buy your excuse. "Seriously, I'm fine."
"C'mon we all know that's not true." Sam gently guided you to the couch, sitting down to the left of you as Dean sat on your right. This was always was when you were younger, always in age order somehow. You were younger then Dean but a little bit older than Sam.
Dean reached over and set a hand on your leg, showing a bit of affection and care like this was rare for him so it mean't a lot even if it wasn't much. "The sooner you tell is what's wrong, the sooner we can help."
You fought off tears again but it was clearly a loosing battle.
Sam put an arm around your shoulders, pulling you a bit closer. "We care about you, you know what right? We just want to help." You officially lost the internal battle, full sobs now wracking your body. Your whole figure shook, unable to control the tears or even form words. Sam automatically pulled you into a comforting embrace and Dean rubbed slow circles onto your back.
After nearly half an hour, you calm down. You're extremely tired, having worn yourself out, but you manage to keep yourself awake. Sam had let you go and you were now resting your head on Dean's shoulder. They both spoke quite words of comfort and encouragement.
"I'm sorry for making you guys stay and take care of me," you mumbled. Dean was the first to respond, nudging you playfully, "Don't be sorry. We're doing this because we want to, not because you're making us."
"Dean's right. We're here because you're important to us."
"Thank you both so much." You could hardly stay awake any longer but thankfully you didn't have to, hearing Dean's next words.
"Go ahead and sleep, kiddo. You deserve the rest." You gave a half smile, falling asleep right after hearing Sam say "We'll be right here when you wake up,"
You feel safe, like you're finally back home.
Sam and Dean are always there for you and sometimes you forget that but they will always be in your corner, rooting for you