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Soulmates.
Arin hated the word. He hated the idea of it. He hated that the world was so obsessed with the mere concept of soulmates. He hated that the universe thought it knew who he should be with. Mostly Arin hated the fact that for the first 26 years of his life, he didn't have a soulmark.
Everyone he knew had theirs by the time they turned 21. Sure, there are the odd stories about how some people didn't get theirs until they were in their golden years. And there are the stories about people who never recieved one. Arin didn't put much faith into those stories, when no one he had ever talked to could actually remember it happening. He sat up all night and day on his 21st birthday, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the jet black ink to write something, anything, across his skin. Nothing happened. Not then. Not the next day. Not for what felt like an eternity.
Leigh
That was the other thing that Arin hated most about this whole bullshit. When he finally got his soulmark, five years later, the universe decided to give him a girls name. Arin knew he was gay for as long as he could remember. He was positive that the universe was playing some sort of sick joke on him. Not to mention the placement of his soulmark, the spot where your soulmate first touches you, was at a very awkward spot for someone he'd only just met. The fancy black writing looped lazily down his right hip. The top of the L was barely noticeable above the waistband of his jeans.
Arin always made sure to buy extra long t shirts.
-----
"Suze, you know how I said that the minute I got my soulmark I'd tell you?" Arin asked his best friend slowly. She shot an eyebrow up, looking at him over top of the book she was reading. Something about butterflies. Arin never really paid attention to the books. They changed so often.
"Is this some sort of confession about how it's my name?"
"What?!? No!" He panicked trying to think of something else to say. Suzy set her book down, staring at him.
"Relax. You know what my soulmark says. You know they always match," she quietly said, lifting her arm up so he could read where it said Holly on the inside of her upper arm. "Plus, you know her."
Arin briefly recalled the first time he'd seen Holly. She'd been sitting inside of a coffee shop he always went to and he'd easily been able to read where it said Suzy across her palm. He'd been the one to go up to her and suggest she meet his friend Suzy, before even knowing her name.
"Now, what were you trying to say?" Suzy peered at him questioningly. Arin took a second to collect his thoughts.
"So I may have not told you when I got my mark."
"When?"
"About 2 years ago." He couldn't bear to look up and see if she looked disappointed or not. It wasn't that he hadn't wanted to tell her. It was that he wanted to figure out why he'd gotten such a feminine name before he did tell her. Two years later he still didn't have an answer and was tired of trying to hide it from Suzy all the time.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Her voice a whisper that Arin can barely hear. He slowly looked up at her, seeing how disappointed, and maybe a little heartbroken, she looked in him.
Arin doesn't know how to say the words running through his head. He doesn't know how to get those words out to form sentences. He really doesn't know how to tell her that he didn't let her know because he was scared. More scared than he'd ever been in his entire life.
"Can I see?" He looks up at her, slowly nodding.
Arin slowly stands up feeling Suzy's eyes staring at his every movement. He pulls up the overly large t shirt he's gotten use to wearing, the top of the capital L peeking out over the edge. A quick glance up saw Suzy staring at the edge of the letter. He pulled down the edge of his jeans slowly, more of the dreaded name becoming visible.
"Oh". That's all Arin needed to hear to release the breath he didn't know he'd been holding. He could feel tears in his eyes. Stop it he yelled at himself. He's a grown man who does not cry. He sits back down with a sigh.
"That's why I didn't tell you," he mumbles out, looking anywhere but at Suzy.
"Arin, it'll be okay. Maybe there was a mixup or maybe the guy's parents thought he was supposed to be a girl or maybe she won't even want to be with you." He looked up suddenly, a look of horror on his face. When soulmates didn't want to be together, the pain was supposed to be unbearable. It drove every single one to suicide. "Shit, no I didn't mean that." Suzy pauses taking a breath. "I just mean there has to be an explanation. I'm sure we can find a reason why this happened." He just nodded letting the first tear fall.
-----
Four days later, Ross had finally convinced Arin to leave his apartment. It was understandable that Arin was in a terrible mood but as Barry had pointed out, he'd never actually find out what was going on if he just sat in his apartment until he died. Ross had managed to drag him to the coffee shop down the street. It wasn't even the coffee shop Arin preferred going to but at that point he didn't feel like arguing.
"Dude I'm just saying that this isn't you. This mopey depressing shit isn't the Arin that we all like to hang out with. You haven't touched a video game or drawing in days." Arin just nodded, not actually following the conversation.
"Ross, shut up," Arin groaned. It'd basically been the same exact conversation since the moment Ross had showed up to drag him out.
"Fine, but don't start winning to me about this," Ross replied, rolling his eyes at Arin.
"What can I get you guys?" Arin looked up sharply at the barista he had forgotten was there. Not so much that he forgot, just that he hadn't realized it was their turn yet.
"I'll take a black coffee," Ross almost shouts looking at the barista. "So Leigh, how is working here?" Arin looks up in a panic, seeing that in fact, her name tag does say Leigh across it. He backs up, shaking his head, eyes wide. He figured Ross had a reason for coming to this particular shop, but he would have never guessed this would be it.
"God damn it." Arin turns to look at the man whose back he had just run into.
"I'm so sorry," came flying out of his mouth before he could process much of the situation. He saw there was coffee on his shirt and knew he had to apologize. It's met with a smile and a quick chuckle.
"It happens." The stranger pauses looking up at him. "Hey man are you alright? You look like you just saw a ghost." Arin just nods as the man frowns, standing up beside him. "Please sit before you faint."
Arin sits with a sigh, finally taking in the stranger he'd run into. He was taller than Arin, with a head full of crazy curls that gave him a slight puppy dog look. His blue shirt had a coffee stain on it. Arin groaned at the sight.
"I'm sorry dude. I just haven't been myself lately. At least let me buy you a new coffee," Arin apologized again as the man sits back down.
"It's alright. I don't much like coffee anyway. How about you just explain what happened?" Arin shakes his head in reply, unable to have that coversation with a stranger. "Okay, well I'm Dan." He holds out his hand, grinning like an idiot. Arin takes it slowly, now more curious than anything.
"Arin," he answered.
"And I'm Ross!" Arin groaned, having forgotten Ross was even with him.
"God damn it Ross."
----
Arin gave the cute stranger, Dan, his number and told him to text him if he wanted to hang out. They had banished Ross away after he'd injected himself into their conversation and then spent the next half an hour getting to know each other a bit. They were both dorky and awkward and ever so curious about the other man.
That was four days ago and Arin hadn't gotten a single text yet. Not that it mattered, cute strangers were never really into him. He'd been fooling himself to think this one was. Besides, what use was it? It wasn't Dan that was imprinted on him.
Instead, Arin had spent the last four days in a constant state of excitement and dissapointment. Everytime his phone went off he got a tiny flutter of hope depends inside. Except, everytime, it hadn't been who he'd wanted to be contacting him. He'd spent the last four days complaining, and also excitedly gushing, to everyone who'd listen to him.
His phone lit up with a new message and Arin did his best to squash the small flutter he couldn't help but feel. It's probably Barry he told himself. He'd been trying to give up hope on ever being contacted by Dan.
hey its dan sorry it took me so long to finally message work has been cray
Arin couldn't breath as he read the message over and over again after quickly adding Dan to his contacts. His heart was beating faster than ever before.
lol no big deal didn't know if you'd actually want to ever talk to me again anyway
Arin hit send before he could erase the message. He wanted to crawl into a hole and hide right about now. Why was he feeling so crazy about a guy he'd barely even talked to?
psh yeah right like anyone ever tells you no
Was Dan flirting with him? This wasn't going to end well if he was. As much as Arin really liked him, and could see himself being next to him forever, they lived in a world of soulmates. There wasn't really any other option. Everytime Arin had tried to start seeing someone, the moment they discovered he didn't have their name on him they always left. It was better if he just didn't bother. The phone in his hand buzzed again.
well that was awkward sorry im an idiot i was actually wondering if youd want to hang out today? I need to get my mind off of work and id love to see that collection you boasted about
Arin sent his address in reply.
----
They slowly started hanging out more and more. In the beginning it was a few times a month. Then it became once a week and then multiple times a week. Currently it was almost every single day. They'd been friends for close to six months now. Arin hated and loved every minute the spent together. Hated that he felt like a heart sick teenager. Loved that he got to spend so much time with Dan.
Why couldn't the name on his hip read Dan? It was almost like the universe wanted him to be miserable. Being around Dan was so easy for him. They laughed and joked like they had been friends their entire lives. The silences between them were never awkward. Neither of them seemed to ever want to be apart. Arin knew how in love with Dan he was. And he hated himself for it.
Arin sighed, shoving his hair out of his face again. The days he didn't see Dan always seemed to take longer than they actually should. Today was one of those days. It didn't matter if he spent the day alone or with his other friends. It just didn't feel right.
The buzzing of his phone pulls him out of the dark thoughts in his head. He grabs his phone, frowning slightly at the message.
Hello. This is Brian. Dan's friend. I need to talk to you.
Arin immediately started panicking. What if something terrible had happened to him? He couldn't bear the thought of never sering Dan's smile or the way his eyes lit up at the mention of certain things ever again.
about what?
The response came almost instantly. As if Brian had wrote it and was just waiting for Arin to reply.
Do you know what you're doing to him?
Arin stared in confusion. He hadn't been doing anything besides trying to be the best friend he could be without giving away how deeply he actually cared. Arin had no idea what the words on the screen could actually mean.
being a super super good friend?
Why don't you come on over? To Dan's. I'm already here.
He sighed once more, unable to same no to that. He'd never been able to say no to seeing Dan, no matter for how brief of a moment it was. He slammed out an okay in response and deeply regretted giving Brian his number.
----
Arin almost bounced up the walkway to Dan's apartment. He always got this little kid on Christmas feeling when he was about to see Dan. Some things you just can't help, no matter how much you wanted to deny the feelings.
He knocked on the door quickly, bouncing from foot to foot. It would be a lie of he tried to say he wasn't in the tiniest bit nervous. The door opened slowly.
"Ayr?" He heard Dan's voice croak out. An image of a sleepy Dan entered his brain. He did his best to banish it.
"Hey, let me in silly! Brian said I should come over?"
"God damn it Brian," Dan mumbled. Arin got the impression that Brian wasn't actually here. "Come on in I guess." Dan threw him one of those smiles that always made Arin's heart stop for a second and his breath catch in his throat. He did his best to appear calm as he walked in.
"Brian's not here, is he?" Dan just shook his head in reply. "Well, want to watch a movie or something anyway? As long as I came all the way across town just to see your dumb butt." Dan let out a chuckle and once again Arin found himself breathless.
"Sure sure. Go pick whatever you want. I'll be right back." Dan turned and vanished down his small hallway. Arin heard a door shut as he walked over to the stacks of DVDs that cluttered the living room.
Five minutes later Dan still hadn't reappeared and Arin had picked out some b-rate comedy made in the 80s. The cheesy stuff always made him laugh the hardest which lead to Dan laughing at him.
Arin got up and started pacing around the small apartment. It wasn't his fault he got bored easily. Dan knew that. He also knew that Arin tended to poke his nose into things when he got bored.
"No Bry, I don't need to tell him anything!" Arin stops pacing looking back at the hallway where the voice had come from. He'd never seen Dan angry. He'd never heard him raise his voice before.
"Don't you think I know that?" comes out of the hallway a few moments later. "Stop trying to help with my love life!" With that Arin retreated back to the couch. What did Dan mean by 'love life'? They were just friends, weren't they?
A few minutes later Dan came back into the room, looking visibly annoyed. Arin quietly hit the play button on the DVD as Dan sat on the couch beside him.
"You okay?" Dan sighed, scooting down on the couch and resting his head on Arin's shoulder.
"Yeah. I'll be okay." Arin didn't want to encourage this behavior but he couldn't help but put his arm around the other man's shoulders, rubbing small circles on his back.
----
Nine months into whatever was going on between the two of them, it was an extremely hot day. The kind of day where only a few things would help. One of those was swimming. Somehow, even though they've talked about so much, the concept of swimming had never come up between Dan and Arin.
yo you wanna go catch come cool waves
Arin frowned as he hit send. That sounded like he wanted to go surfing. He was not good at this whole thing.
dude do you even know how to surf
Arin chuckled at the thought of him trying to balance on a surfboard. Then he imagined Dan's lanky body trying to do the same and laughed harder.
no silly u wanna go swimmin
sure lemme kno were at and when
He let out a sigh typing out the location of what he thought the best beach in all of Cali was. As he got up to go find his board shorts, a thought of a wet Dan crossed his mind.
----
The beach wasn't far from where Arin lived but it still look him a good while to reach where they had agreeded to meet up. He couldn't help it that he had been severely distracted by his own thoughts. Arin did his best to control himself as he walked across the beach to where the taller man was standing, waving at him with a very stupid grin across his face.
"Heyya big cat!" Dan piped out as soon as Arin came within earshot. Arin couldn't help but roll his eyes at Dan's new nickname for him as he took in Dan's board shorts and white tank top combo.
"It is a beach you know?" He nods at the white shirt that the other was wearing. Arin wore a shirt to the beach but took it off as he crossed the sand. Dan looks down, obviously not wanting to talk about it. He knew when to back off a subject and this was one of those times. "I mean whatever dude, ban me from seeing all of you. I get it." Arin was only half kidding, he had been dying to see Dan without a shirt on. Dan looks back up at him, laughing.
"You? Never." He gave another silly grin before bounding off towards the water, a mess of limbs and hair. Arin watched bemused for a second before following him into the refreshing ocean.
----
When they both finally came out of the water they just laid on the blanket - It's probably Dan's- both breathing quite heavily. Arin was incredibly out of shape, and by the sound of it so was Dan. Arin rolled over, seeing that Dan was face down in the blanket. Arin paused for a second, taking in the older man before him. His eyes stopped traveling up a still heavily panting Dan, spotting a dark patch under Dan's white t-shirt.
It's gotta be his soulmark Arin thought to himself. He'd never heard Dan mention it. It was the one topic that had never been mention, no matter how briefly. Arin didn't want to bring it up because he was crazy about the man in front of him, not the name on his hip. Dan never brought his up because, well, Arin didn't know why not.
"Do you ever think about what your soulmate is doing at that exact moment?" Arin pulled his gaze from Dan's back, frowning at the question the other had asked him.
"You don't even know," he replied slowly. "I mean I've only ever met one person who had the same name and it wasn't them." His mind flashed back to the girl in the coffee shop the day he had met Dan. She ended up telling Ross all about how her and her soulmate met there.
"Wow, dude that's rough." Dan laughed again. "I've met mine." Arin just stares at him in shock. Why had Dan never told him this?
"Wha- what happened?" He asked slowly, almost afraid of the answer. Afraid of the worst possible answers. Afraid that Arin had read into their relationship wrong and Dan actually hadn't been flirting with him all the times he'd thought. Dan's eyes briefly meet his.
"I didn't even get my soulmark until a few years ago. It didnt show up unail I realized I was gay." Dan avoided his question but he couldn't fault the guy for it, remembering how upsetting it was that he didn't get his until he was 26. Dan was seven years older than him.
"Rough bro."
In the next instant, Dan sprang up from beside him flashing him another grin.
"Race you to the water," he called over his shoulder, halfway there.
----
The next few months passed by for them in a comfortable sort of way. Dan came to his place or he went there. They hung out. Played video games. Ate pizza. Cuddled on the couch while watching movies. Arin could never bring himself to tell Dan no.
He slowly came to realize he was head over heels in love with the guy. He needed to tell Dan. Everytime he tried his mind flashed back to that day on the beach, the only time Dan had brought up soulmates. He seemed so sad on that day, like he needed his soulmate more than words could describe. Arin couldn't bring himself to fuck that up for Dan. So he stayed silent, enjoying the time they did spend together more than he rightfully should in a friendship.
----
Before Arin knew it, it was their 'friendaversary' as Danny had reminded him of ten times in the previous few days. He couldn't believe he'd known the guy for a whole year already. He wouldn't trade the last year for anything in the world. Even if they didn't share their soulmarks, Arin felt like Dan should be his soulmate.
He let himself into Dan's apartment, having exchanged keys nearly two months prior 'in case of emergencies'. The only emergency was that Arin's bladder was going to explode and there was supposed to be pizza inside waiting for him.
Walking back out from the bathroom, he stopped dead in his tracks. Not only was there not any pizza waiting for him, Dan as asleep on the couch shirtless . Arin quietly walked closer, staring down at the man. He smiled, taking in what was an adorable sight.
Dan shifted in his sleep, rolling onto his stomach more. Arin let his eyes slowly trace the lines on his back, admiring ever inch. He took a deep breath, almost feeling as if he was infringing on his best friend's privacy but unable to help it, his eyes looking at Dan's soulmark.
Arin
He frowned, blinking at his own name carefully written in the middle of Dan's back. He them looked at his hip, remembering the day he had backed into Dan in the coffee shop. Their soulmarks lined up perfectly.
----
dude how come you never showed up for friendaversary
That was the message he got a few hours after he had tore out of Dan's apartment. Somehow he had managed to get all the way home before he broke down crying. His mind raced towards every possible explanation, each one crazier than the one before.
Hours after he got the message he finally replied.
what's your full name?
It seemed like an eternity before the reply showed up.
Leigh Daniel Avidan
Arin threw his phone across the room, curling up in a ball on his couch before he started crying even harder.
----
Arin hadn't replied to anyone's messages in days. Hell he barely managed to peel himself off the couch enough to use the bathroom once in awhile. He didn't know why he was so upset. This was exactly what he had wanted. All he did know was that his heart was broken.
He didn't open the messages from Dan. He could only imagine all the excuses he was trying to tell Arin. He didn't answer the phone calls either. The same went with the door. Arin was secretly glad that Dan never actually unlocked the door and came inside.
His messages from his other friends all said the same things. what's wrong?, isn't this what you wanted?, what can I do to help?. Arin just wanted them all to leave him alone while he figured himself out.
----
A few hours later he awoke to someone staring at him. He blinked a few times before seeing that it was Dan standing there. Arin sat up, looking at the blank TV instead. He hears Dan give an audible sigh, knowing that he rolled his eyes at the sight of Arin ignoring him.
"Look, you don't have to talk to me but I need to explain to you what I did. I know I should have told you immediately. I know I fucked up by not telling you. But you were so funny and cute and amazing, I knew that I couldn't compare. I knew that I didn't have a chance with actually being your soulmate. I thought maybe it was a different Arin somewhere else."
Arin could hear the tears in his voice. His heart hurt at the sound. He opened his mouth to reply but then shut it again. He glanced over and saw that Dan was now on the floor, kneeling before him.
"I didn't actually know that my real first name would be the one on you. I have no idea how this whole business works. I never bothered to learn because I didn't have one until just a few years ago." Dan pauses, placing one of his large hands on Arin's knee. Arin pulled slightly back at the touch but didn't remove his knee completely.
"Then I realized I was falling in love with you. I knew that you were in fact the correct Arin. At that point it was too late and I had no idea how to confess the truth. I thought just being friends with you would be better than losing you completely. It was better. Better than anything I could imagine. I was so scared to lose you. I don't know what I would do without you."
Arin hadn't notice he was crying as Dan told him exactly what had happened until he sniffled. He slowly looked at the man kneeling in front of him. In that moment Arin came to an almost painful realization. That without the burden of being soulmates they had allowed themselves to fall in love without the pressure of being perfect for the other.
"I love you," Arin whispered, barely audible. Dan looked up at him, eyes wide.
"What?" Dan almost stutters out.
"I love you," he repeated, louder this time. A giant grin slowly spread across Dan's face, his eyes lighting up. "Don't think I'm still not angry at you though."
"I fully expect that," Dan was quick to agree. Arin slid off the couch into Dan's open arms.
"I can't believe you let me suffer for a year," he whined, trying not to start crying again. Arin could feel a chuckle vibrate through Dan as he placed a light kiss on Arin's head. Dan's arms tightened around Arin, not wanting to let go.
"Ayr?"
"Mhm?"
"I love you too."