Chapter Text
Years pass.
You hardly notice it. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, all of these slip through your hands like water. Turn around, and you're twelve, turn around you're thirteen, turn around, turn around, turn around...
Something that remained constant was “homework”. No matter how much time passed, Toriel still had you sit in the garden for a few hours a day, soaking up as much sunlight as you could.
A flaw: it was December, and right now it was snowing.
You could tell because of the few snowflakes that managed to flow in through the barrier. Another thing you could tell that it was snowing heavily; there wouldn't be this many snowflakes if it was just a light storm.
The garden is bare, the cold weather meaning the flowers can't bloom right now. You miss the burst of colors this place used to be, but it is what it is.
You have lots of blankets and a big jacket to keep you company, at least, but you prop your legs up on one of your pillows and sigh.
It still hurts. Toriel tried so hard, but she couldn't fix everything, and it still hurts.
Asriel, who had been sitting next to you quietly doing his homework, stops to look at you.
“What's wrong, Chara?” He looks a little worried. “Are you gonna throw up? I can carry you to the bathroom - “
“No, that’s not necessary.” It seems like he doesn’t believe you, but he doesn’t push you any further, instead returning to his homework.
Unlike you, he actually goes to school. Toriel thought monster school would be too strenuous for you, even before your attempt, so she just tutored you at home, but Asriel had to leave every day for 8 hours, come home, and then do standard style homework.
It was nice, when the two of you got to do homework and “homework” together. A bonding activity that didn’t actually require too much emotional energy.
You glance over at him. You can tell Asriel’s trying to keep an eye on you too, just in case you really do need help, even as he chews on his pencil contemplating the math problem on the worksheet.
Asriel had gotten much taller, while you...barely seemed to grow at all. Before, the two of you were around the same height, but now he was nearly a foot taller than you. You had made peace with it a while ago, but you were still waiting for your own growth spurt.
Without even thinking about it, you voice these complaints.
“I hope I get taller soon,” you mutter under your breath. “I’m sick of being so short.”
Asriel looks up from his work, and you feel a little bad for distracting him. His teacher actually held him to deadlines, while Toriel tended to be understanding of reasons why you might complete assignments later than you were supposed to.
It’s too late, though, so again - oh well.
“Don’t worry, Chara.” He’s trying to be reassuring, and it makes you feel terrible, because he’s being so kind, and it’s been years, but you have yet to do anything to deserve any of it. “You’re only 14, so you’ll grow big soon enough!”
“Actually, I’m 15,” you correct him. He was close, so whatever.
“Huh?” He blinks. “I thought you were 14?”
“I was, but my birthday was a few months ago,” you reply casually. You never actually told the Dreemurrs what your birthday was. It just didn’t feel relevant.
Asriel doesn’t seem to think so.
“It was?! When?”
“October 13th.”
“Chara…” He’s so shocked, and you don’t really get it. A birthday is just a day, just another year closer to your death. “Why didn’t you tell me? I didn’t even get you a present, Mom and Dad would’ve wanted to know too, I - “
“Asriel,” you interrupt, before he couid babble on. “It’s fine. You don’t need to do anything special for me.”
“But I want to.” He’s pouting now, and you don’t think he realizes it, but it’s amusing all the same. “I should tell them right now, we can throw a party for you and everything!”
He gets up, discarding his pencils and notebooks, and runs upstairs and into the main part of the house.
...You drag yourself to your feet and curse your horrible horrible body that your attempt had done nothing but weaken even further. Despite everything, standing up too fast left you lightheaded and sent a wave of pain through your abdomen that had you collapse back down into your nest of pillows and blankets. When you fall, get right back up; somehow, you managed to get up a second time, much more slowly but much more successfully.
It wasn’t fair, because not only was he taller and stronger and had longer legs, he didn’t have to deal with the same problems you did. Thus, he was long gone by the time you managed to drag yourself out on the garden and into the hallway up to New Home.
You slump against the entryway, bending over a bit. You shouldn't have tried to run, because you've already sapped what little strength you already had, and you hadn't even made it upstairs yet.
You try to get back up again and get through the hallway, leaning against the wall for support, but it's still ages before you can make it past the great hall and into the corridor that led to the stairs to the house. By then, he's already running back down to greet you.
“Chara!” His eyes are bright with excitement. “I talked to Dad and - “
He suddenly stops, as if he's realized something, and rushes past you back to the garden.
Asriel is not and has never been good at being subtle. You could already tell what he was thinking, you think, but maybe that was just you overestimating how much the Dreemurrs cared about you.
Even after all this time, you still couldn't force yourself to fully accept it, always keeping them at arm’s length. You weren’t worthy of their time, their effort, their love.
God, you’re so tired, and in so much pain. You sit down on the steps and try to rest a bit before getting up and going back to the garden to finish your “homework”.
It didn't even matter in this weather, because the clouds outside covered any sunlight that could pour in, but your duties are your duties.
You’re so sore.
---
Eventually you make it back to the garden to finish your assigned sunlight time, and eventually you make it back upstairs to your room.
A week passes, and you've already completely forgotten about that conversation with Asriel. It didn't actually mean anything, after all; it wasn't like another year made much of a difference.
Except for the fact that as time passed, the chances of a growth spurt to rescue you from shortness hell decreased. Ugh.
Right now you're sitting on your bed with a pillow behind your back for support and under your feet for the swelling, having grabbed both your reading glasses and that book you had been planning to finish but just couldn't find the patience to slog through.
Your vision had been getting weaker the more time passed. It wasn't that bad, though; you only needed them if you wanted to read something, and it made you closer to Toriel, too, something else you had in common with her. You could live with this.
You flip open the book to where you left your ridiculous novelty googly eyes bookmark, and start reading.
The problem with the underground was that the selection of books was, to say the least, lacking. Snowdin’s library had the biggest collection in the underground, but even then, the books were, well.
For crying out loud, you were holding a collection of some kids’ school reports.
You just sigh, settle in, adjust your glasses, and begin reading.
Or, you try to, because someone barges in and interrupts your train of thought.
...It's been a while, and you really shouldn't be acting this way, but you flinch. It seems like Asriel doesn’t notice, though, because he doesn’t react and just starts talking. You aren’t upset with him, not at all, but it still rattles you to your core.
“Chara!” His eyes are gleaming. “You should come with me to the garden, like, right now.”
You tilt your head at that.
“I already sat in the sunlight.” And truthfully, you didn’t really feel like getting back up from your soft and warm nest just to go to the garden, which was freezing cold this time of year.
He makes a little whining noise.
“Come on, it’s going to be fun!” When you just stare him down, he blinks, and decides to keep going. “If you’re too tired, I could just carry you, you know.”
You wrinkle your nose a little bit at that. Asriel could lift you quite easily now, and it wasn’t fair, because you were still ridiculously tiny and still hadn’t grown a single bit in the last three years. Not to mention the fact that the damage you did to your body meant that you definitely wouldn’t be doing any heavy lifting any time soon.
Didn’t make you any less bitter about it.
“I can walk,” you grumble, slowly dragging yourself to your feet, grabbing a pillow just in case you were going to be spending any length of time out there. You have the book too; it was something to pass the time, in case you were expected to sit in the sunlight for more hours than you already did.
It seems like Asriel noticed your discomfort, and offers a hand to help you get up.
You've lived with the Dreemurrs for almost three years, and you're still not...completely comfortable with things like physical contact. The fact remained that Asgore and Toriel were physically much stronger than you, especially after your attempt, and even Asriel had outgrown you by now. When you were both around the same height, you felt more equal, but now? He was so, so much stronger than you. Asriel was loyal and Asriel cared about you, but the instinctive fear of powerful people remained.
You already knew what it was like to be grabbed by someone and being too weak to get away, held down, pulled, you -
No. No, you couldn't go down that path. You shake your head a bit to maybe clear your mind, and struggle to your feet on your own. Asriel seems a little hurt by this, but it was what it was, and the two of you set off.
Even with all of your pillows, your whole body is still sore, and you feel so, so cold. He seems to notice this, because while you’re pulling on your boots near the top of the stairwell, he casually lights a flame in his hand, close enough to warm you but not to touch.
He’s getting better and better at controlling his magic every single day. You’re kind of jealous, because as a human, you have no idea what kind of magic you could do; you could barely summon any sort of bullet, at most just make an existing object stronger.
(Admittedly, making a knife glow red was so cool. You just wanted to do even more.)
Asgore thought you might have more of an affinity for human-type magic than monster-type, and had been doing a lot of research with you on how that might work, but you just didn’t have the heart to tell him that something reminding you of your own ugly humanity just made you feel sick. He was working so hard, for your sake, and all you did was act like an ungrateful, disgusting brat.
It’s not relevant though because now Asriel’s pulling you down the stairs a little more quickly than you were comfortable with and your right ankle gives out from underneath you. You brace yourself for impact, because you’ve done this before, it was going to hurt but you’re the fallen human, you were supposed to be good at falling, ahaha.
It’s not that funny.
But somehow, you manage to stay upright. You’re a little confused at first, until you look to the side and realize that Asriel caught you, the flame now extinguished.
...you don’t really know what to say, but he slowly eases you down, letting you test to see if your foot can hold your weight again before completely letting you go. And he does, which you’re grateful for, because it was bad enough that you required help at all, but because this is Asriel, he isn’t done yet.
“Can’t I just carry you?” You don’t respond at first, just give him an incredulous look. “It’ll be faster, and you should really come see the garden!!”
You cared for Asriel a great deal, but he never quite grew out of that phase where he just really wanted what he wanted now instead of waiting patiently.
It’s a very simple answer, despite your near-fall.
“No.” Again, he pouts, and you still don’t think he knows he’s doing it.
“But it’ll be faster!” It had been bad enough that you needed to be caught at all, and you grateful to him for it, but this was something you couldn’t budge on.
“I already said no.” It looks like he’s about to say something else, but instead he just sighs and continues through the corridor, a little more slowly this time so you can catch up.
The two of you continue in silence, you boots hardly making a sound while the claws on his feet click gently. One advantage of barely growing at all since your fall was that these boots still fit you; at this point they were almost six years old and incredibly worn out, but you definitely didn’t want to replace them. That involved having to ask the Dreemurrs to buy you another pair, because it’s not like beings who didn’t wear shoes at all would have any spares left for you, so you just had to make due and take care of them as best as you could.
It occurs to you that you could’ve just taken the elevator, but it was already too late; you were already halfway there, and it wouldn’t be that much less of a hassle to go back and find it.
Oh well. You’ve been working off that attitude for a while now; it is what it is and you can’t change it, so there’s no use in mulling over it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but for now all you could do was suffer through walking what should be a simple short distance from the Dreemurrs’ home to the garden.
He glances at you again, and opens his mouth as if to say something, but then he seems to think better of it and just looks straight ahead. Good.
It always makes you nervous, walking across this thin bridge strip that has nothing but a long fall on each side. You knew Asgore and Toriel would add railings if you asked for it - they give you so much - but…
It feels like you just take and take and take. Your one attempt to give them something back for once in your pathetic life just backfired and left you in such a state that you just caused even more of a problem every single day, every single time you saw Toriel pouring over old books for information on human bodies, every time Asgore helped her by compiling everything they’ve learned into a more convenient set of notes.
You’re so tired.
It feels like forever, but you finally made it to the garden, and you finally did it all on your own. You would take a moment to be proud, except then Asriel brushes a hand against your arm, the barest of touches.
You take a deep breath. You're fine.
“Wait here for a sec!” You turn around to face him, and even though his words are cheerful now, his expression still seems a little more careful.
There's a lot of questions running through your mind, but you're decent enough off right now that you can just nod and lean against the pillar, pillow and book still in hand.
You hope you don't have to wait that long, because your ankles had been sore from the beginning and that was just getting worse.
There seems to be some sort of crashing noise coming in from inside, and you're not sure what to make of it. But you don't have much to mull it over, because it's then that Asriel bursts through the entryway, looking somewhat ruffled.
“Chara!” His voice is, for lack of a better word, bouncy. “You can come in now. And…” And now he's careful. “You can hold my arm, if you want?”
Maybe it's because he asked this time, maybe it's because you've had this entire walk to calm down a bit, but you take him up on his offer. Yeah, you feel a little better now.
You walk into the garden, and -
“Surprise!”
The sudden noise makes you flinch and curl up on yourself a bit, gripping Asriel’s arm a little more tightly. You're not used to sudden noise, and your head’s spinning, and you nearly fall to ground -
...except then Asriel is there to catch you, his arm around your shoulders to support you until you can stand again.
You're reminded of something he said before, back when you were in such a state that you could barely sit up and speak. Friends support each other, so if you couldn't do something on your own, he'd do it for you. You...you're a little grateful for that, right now.
Now that you were calmer, you could finally slow down and assess the situation.
First: Asgore and Toriel were standing in front of you. They must have been the ones to say surprise, along with Asriel, but now their faces had fallen and the only way to describe it is concerned. You feel like curling up on the ground again, but Asriel’s arm is still around your shoulders and he's still holding you up. It's so much nicer than you could ever deserve, but if you go down that spiral you'll never escape it.
It's Asgore who speaks first.
“Chara?” His voice is careful, very careful, as if he's afraid of upsetting you again. You want to lie down, because your head hurts, your body hurts, your heart hurts, and you're so tired.
But you can't lie down. Asriel’s still holding on, so you couldn't fall even if you tried.
“Are you alright?” He steps a little closer, and Toriel isn't far behind.
“My child?” Her voice is just as careful as his. “Do you feel ill? Perhaps you should rest for a bit - “
You're still taking deep breaths, you're still busy calming down, but you wave off both of them.
“I'm. I'm fine. Just startled, you're about to say, but that would be pathetic, wouldn't it? A pathetic person like you who couldn't even handle loud voices or noises, weak, weak, weak. You couldn't bear it.
“Are you sure?” Asgore asks gently, as if he's afraid of upsetting you even more. He probably is. He's just that kind of person, and even if you spent the rest of time wondering why, you'd never understand why he's so kind to you.
“I'm. I'm fine, I swear I'm fine.” Your voice comes out a little softer and a little more frantic than you would've liked, but there's no way to take that back right now. He seems to accept it, but Toriel still has a few more questions.
“Do you hurt anywhere? Are you sure you don't need to lie down?”
“I’m fine. I really am fine.” It's only partially a lie; you're definitely in pain, all through your body and concentrated in your belly and your right ankle, and maybe you should lie down, but you don't want to. She'd force you to, so you decline.
Toriel doesn't seem completely satisfied, though, because her expression doesn’t change, even if she doesn’t press you.
You let out a sigh that must sound more annoyed than you actually feel, because somehow she looks even more worried, and the churning guilt in your gut hurts more than your damaged stomach ever could.
She doesn't comment on it though, instead gesturing to behind her, where you can see a picnic blanket with some pillows resting on one side. They already prepared a seat for you
“You can rest here, my child.” But now that you're focusing on the room instead of just the people standing in the room, your mouth falls open.
There's a tray with a number of foods on it, but the biggest thing is a huge chocolate cake and your mouth is definitely not watering a little bit. It’s almost enough to distract you from the fact that it’s snowing again, hard.
Seeing your expression seems to cheer her up a little bit, because you can tell her voice is a little more cheerful now.
“Happy late birthday, my child.” Asgore is the one to speak next.
“We're sorry, Chara, we did not mean to startle you.”
You look over at Asriel, who's scratching the back of his head.
“The whole surprise thing was my idea,” he says a little apologetically. “I got a little too excited, and wasn't thinking that hard about it, but you wouldn’t have wanted a party if you knew, so you couldn’t know about it! But I’m sorry for the who startling you part.” You give him a careful look.
You don't deserve to have a best friend.
You can't bear to look at him anymore, so you look around instead. There's a large yellow banner hanging from two poles they seemed to have set up, saying in large white letters, HAPPY 15TH BIRTHDAY, CHARA!
You're not tearing up. You're not.
Turns out Asriel had still been talking.
“ - So yeah, you can sit down! We haven't even gotten to the presents yet!”
You don't really process the second part of that sentence, but sitting down seems nice. You just nod at him, and he helps you over to the blanket, where you sit down and adjust the pillows until you're somewhere near comfortable. This is the first time you got to rest since Asriel came to fetch you, and you just settle back with a little sigh of relief.
He goes over to his parents and seems to be telling them something in hushed whispers. You try not to worry about it, but your chest tightens in anxiety anyway. Maybe all of them decided that you were too ungrateful and horrible, and they'd just throw you out, or maybe even finally kill you for your soul, and that wouldn't be so bad, you think, maybe it'd be faster than your failed attempt -
“Chara?” Except Asriel’s back already, and there's something hidden behind his back, as if he hoped you wouldn't be able to tell. Haha.
Asgore and Toriel are right behind him, and it's Asgore who steps forward first, kneeling by your side and pulling a small box out of his cape. It's a pretty blue color with a golden ribbon, and he holds it out to you as if he expects you to open it.
At this point Toriel is here too, also sitting near you as if to look at you on your own level.
“My child,” and now she's smiling gently, “Happy late birthday. I'm sorry we couldn't do anything sooner, but - “
“ - N-no.” No. “You. You didn't know.” You want to say more, to explain how this was already more than you could ever deserve to have, but the words are stuck in your throat. Both of them seem to understand, because they say nothing else, and Asgore simply places the box in your lap.
Not know what else to do, you simply unwrap it, doing your best to be careful and keep the paper and ribbon intact. This means it takes a little longer for you to finish, but eventually you get it open and…
“Oh,” you say in a small voice. Oh.
It's a brand new trowel, shiny and new, and you pick it up to examine it. It's...it's…
It's perfect.
“We thought you might want some gardening supplies for your very own,” Asgore says kindly. “Look in the box again.”
You do as he says, and there are a few small packets left inside. It's a little hard to read the print without your reading glasses, but with a little squinting, you manage.
Roses. Yellow roses. You faintly remember that roses are edible and people have been making rose drinks for thousands of years, and wonder if he was thinking about that, too.
In particular, you remember rose sharbat, twice a year, Eid al-Fitr, Eid al-Adha, sometimes the last 10 days of Ramadan, if you were lucky.
You were rarely lucky, and you don't even notice when the tears you've been blinking back this whole time finally start to fall. You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve any of this.
You try to cover your face somehow, pull your sweater’s collar over your eyes, and mostly you just...you just…
You don't don’t.
“Dear?” Toriel’s talking again, and you want to look up at her, but the tears are still falling. She doesn't say anything for a moment, but she gently places her handkerchief on your lap.
...you pick it up, pull down your sweater a bit, and wipe your eyes.
She gets up then, and Asgore a few moments after her. You aren't looking at their faces, so you can't tell what they're thinking, but they step back and allow Asriel to sit by you instead.
You don't look at him directly either, because you probably still look pathetic and gross, but you don't need to guess because he's already talking.
“Chara! I got you a present too, and I wanted it to be special, but…” And now he's scratching the back of his head. “I - nevermind.” He just pulls out his other hand from behind his back and places a box on your lap, which you look at curiously.
It's easy to open, at least. You pull off the lid, and…
He's talking before you can even look inside.
“I wanted to make something for you myself! And I remembered that you can knit, and you like knitting, so..”
It's a mess of yarn, maybe 20 centimeters long and wide, with more tangles than stitches. The needles are still attached, signaling that it wasn't complete, and to be honest, you have no idea what it was supposed to be.
You love it.
“I was gonna make you a sweater, but Mom said that would be too hard and that I shouldn’t be too ambitious and maybe hold off on knitting anything until next year, but I wanted to make something anyway! So I switched to a scarf, but that was pretty tough to make too...”
You don't say anything for a moment, just staring at this absolute mess. When he speaks again, it's a little nervous.
“Um...I was gonna show it to you and finish later, which was why I didn't wrap it...I'm sorry if you don't like - “
Before he can finish that sentence, you practically leap forward and hug him, and you decide the nausea you feel at the sudden movement is worth it when he slowly hugs you back.
It’s okay right now. It’s okay.
---
It isn’t until after everyone's settled down on the picnic blanket and you're biting into a slice of that cake that something comes and interrupts this.
Or maybe it’s been here for a while and you never realized. You could never tell with whimsuns; they were all so quiet and so afraid of interrupting that it could’ve seen the entire thing and you never would have realized.
“U-um…” You feel bad for it, you really do; monsters were so kind, and you didn’t believe for a moment that something terrible might’ve been done to it, but you couldn’t help but associate that kind of fear with, well...Anyway. “Y-your m-majesty?”
Asgore seems to notice it too, and puts down his own plate to face the small newcomer.
“Oh, hello there! Is there something you needed?”
“I-I...um…”
“It’s alright, take your time,” Toriel gently reassures it. The whimsun just seems to shake even more at that.
“Th-there...there’s…”
“Yeah? What did you want?” You almost want to pinch Asriel, because couldn’t he tell talking was just going to make the poor monster even more nervous?
It closes its eyes and balls up its tiny fists, and if it was preparing itself to say something, and finally -
“A-another human’s fallen down!”
You drop your plate onto your lap.