Chapter Text
“Chuuya, I’m going away.”
There it was. The words lingered in his mind, while he thought of something to say. What do you say to your lover who’s grown distant in the past two months? Chuuya noticed Dazai’s demeanor change from playful and happy to quiet and somber. He would always try to get the man to act like himself, but nothing worked. Even when he would start cursing for the smallest of things, Chuuya never got a reaction out of Dazai; it was like the man was broken somehow. When they would watch movies, Dazai never tried to play with Chuuya’s hair anymore. When they had sex, that’s all it was—cold, unemotional sex. It wasn’t their usual passionate, slow, love making they would yearn for from each other. They were better off being strangers for how bad things were turning out.
Chuuya turned to look at Dazai, but the man was just staring up at the ceiling from their bed. He had a bad feeling about where the conversation was headed when he finally spoke. “What are you talking about?” His heart was currently in his stomach with the thoughts running through his mind, but he tried to keep his composure.
“…”
He patiently waits.
“…”
He’s waiting.
“….”
The most intense twenty seconds of Chuuya’s life went by, and still he got no reply. Well the silence was probably more painful than the words at this point. Didn’t the redhead deserve an explanation? You’re not important enough.
“Answer me, Dazai” Chuuya hears his voice break, but it didn’t matter—not when his heart was breaking way more. He stares at the brunet, but the man didn’t even have the decency to look back at Chuuya; he just keeps looking up to the stupid ceiling. Dazai will never know, but his action was only hurting Chuuya more by the second.
The lights were off in their bedroom, but the moonlight was shining bright enough in the room to see his face. Desperate enough for his answer, Chuuya climbs on top of Dazai. When the taller man finally looks at the bright blue eyes, his brown ones were empty. The once, warm brown eyes that showed love and affection to Chuuya was now lifeless.
The man Chuuya was looking down at was not his Dazai. It wasn’t the man who would snuggle with him every Sunday morning before they lazed around; he wasn’t the same man who learned how to cook his lover’s favorite dish just to surprise him on their anniversary. He wasn’t the ebullient, cheerful guy Chuuya fell in love with four years ago… Instead, he looks dead now, like he had no reason to live anymore.
“I’m leaving town, Chuuya… for good.”
“W-what? Why would you do that? What about the orphanage?” What about me.
“You wouldn’t understand.” That was all Dazai said before looking away from the man on top of him. Chuuya couldn’t help but notice just how easy it was for Dazai to shut him out. The four years of breaking down his walls were for nothing now; Chuuya still didn’t know anything about the other man.
Devastated from the words, Chuuya didn’t know how to reply to that. Sure, he was feeling physical pain from Dazai’s careless words, but he was beginning to lose his patience. He was getting angry because of the other’s nonchalant attitude. Wasn’t he hurting as well?
Trying to keep his sanity, he finally speaks his mind but his voice was barely above a whisper. “Don’t do this to us.” He rests his shaky hands on Dazai’s face and forces the man to look at him. “If you’re unhappy with our relationship or you want to move out, then fine. But don’t make it sound like you’re telling me goodbye.”
Chuuya could see the pity in his lover’s face, but he didn’t care what the other man was thinking about him. “Chu—”
“No!” he said louder than he intended to. The tears were beginning to fall onto the other’s cheeks. “You don’t get to do this. Not after everything we’ve been through. I’m not letting you go that easy. If you leave, then I’m leaving too.”
With the pitiful smile Chuuya hates, Dazai wipes away his tears, “Chuuya, I’m not taking you with me. I need to do this alone. Just remember, I love you.”
The words didn’t even sound the same now. It sounded more like he was programmed to say it; It wasn’t what he was feeling. Chuuya couldn’t take the pain in his chest any longer. Shaking his head at the man’s word, he says what he was really thinking. “You don’t love me, Dazai. You couldn’t have. You probably never did. This had to be a joke to you from the very start.” He attempts to laugh to stop the sobs, but it was obviously not a laughing matter. “From the very beginning, this was all a joke to you. I’ve… I tried s-so hard with you for four years, but you didn’t care, did you?”
Chuuya doesn’t wait for a reply and crawls off Dazai. He was heading to the bathroom when he heard the taller man follow him and grabs his wrist right before he could get inside. “Wait. Listen, I do—”
Before Dazai can finish, Chuuya snaps and pulls his wrist away before looking up into those brown eyes. “Don’t touch me! I don’t want to hear anything you have to say! You never loved me, so stop lying.” He can feel the pangs in his chest because of every word he’s saying, because of the realization that took him four years to pick up on. “If you loved me Dazai, you wouldn’t be telling me right now that you’re leaving me. If you loved me, you wouldn’t have kept whatever secret it is you’ve been hiding from me to yourself for two months. So it’s probably best if you just leave tonight…because” Chuuya tries to catch his breath and control his sobs, but it was becoming impossible now. With the little strength he had left to argue, he tried his hardest to get out the last of what he had to say. “Because if you truly loved me Dazai, this wouldn’t have been so fucking easy for you.”
Chuuya slams the bathroom door in his lover’s face before letting his tears and frustration out. He just wants to be by himself, he needs to be alone. Dazai had already made up his mind to leave him behind; there was nothing he could do.
Even with his cries filling up the room, he could hear rummaging on the other side. You couldn’t even make him love you enough to stay… The redhead shakes his head at his own thought and cries more until he finally hears their, no—his front door close. He cried until there was nothing left except his heartache because of that bastard. He didn’t love you.
~***~
“And where exactly will you go?” Mori, Dazai’s adoptive father, ask with more amusement than interest.
“Away.”
Dazai told his father the reason why he was leaving and everything that happened between him and Chuuya last night. He didn’t want the old man to worry about him, so the least he could’ve done was tell him that much right?
“What if I need to reach you?”
“You shouldn’t need to, but I will check in occasionally.” He didn’t want anyone to know where he was going. He was feeling conflicted with everyone around him and it was starting to suffocate him. He just needed time to be by himself for a year or two and get his thoughts in order.
A minute went by with them just staring at each other until Mori finally softens his expression and ask about the elephant in the room. “Are you going to tell Chuuya about the letter?”
Dazai chuckles, but it was humorless. “It wouldn’t matter now. He thinks I don’t love him.” The man wouldn’t admit it, but Chuuya wasn’t the only one feeling heartbreak. Dazai knew deep down he loved the redhead, but feelings from his past was starting to make him doubt everything. Chuuya could be the love of his life—when they were together, he never had to put on a façade. With Chuuya, he got to be himself. He wasn’t the only one that made you feel that way.
“Son,” Mori’s voice interrupted his thoughts, “If you leave things as they are now, then there’s no guarantee he’ll give you a second chance when you come back.”
“Good.” Dazai turned his back to his father to walk out of the office, “I might not return.”