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“What is that?!” Conner Kent questioned, stopping dead in his tracks at the sight of the abomination.
“It’s an elf on the shelf!” Cassie responded, “Isn’t he cute?!”
“It looks obscene!” Conner wrinkled his nose.
“I agree!” Bart added. “I keep expecting it to come in and attack me in my sleep.”
Cassie rolled her eyes at the two of them. “It is a Christmas tradition. Its purpose is to spy for Santa, you know, make sure certain people behave themselves.” She gave them both a pointed look.
Conner regarded the toy with continued disdain. “Nope. Nope, I am still going with evil troll.”
“Maybe it’s one of those gremlin things where if you feed it, it turns into a blood thirsty demon!” Bart interjected.
Cassie just rolled her eyes and started walking toward the kitchen with an exasperated huff. “You guys are hopeless.”
Conner and Bart looked at each other briefly, then turned back to the elf on the shelf, neither of them sure they actually wanted to take their eyes off of the possessed toy for any longer than necessary.
“I don’t care what she says, that thing looks like the spawn of Satan or something.” Conner finally stated.
“I know! I’ve had nightmares about things like this! Only it was bigger… And it looked like Donald Trump.” Bart commented.
Conner risked a glance at his friend. “What the heck kind of nightmare is that?! What on earth have you been doing before bed?!”
“Well…” Bart started.
“Wait!” Conner interrupted in the brief, and likely only pause that would occur in Bart’s sentence. “Nevermind. I don’t think I want to know.”
Bart shrugged, still watching the offensive toy.
They stood there for a few more moments, until Bart could no longer stand still. “That’s it! I’m done with this thing! It is too creepy for me, I’m going to find Red Robin.”
“Agreed.” Conner nodded. “But Rob’s on patrol. Want to catch a movie?”
“Sure thing! Race you there! Last one to make it is demon elf chow!” The blur that was the speedster called out.
“Nice knowing you then!” Conner shouted in return, taking off and flying out the nearest window.
It was well past dark when three laughing figures stumbled through the door to Titans Tower. Conner had beat Bart to the theater, but the speedster swore it was only because traffic was horrible and the sidewalks were overcrowded with disgruntled holiday shoppers. After the movie, the two had stopped to grab some food, where Red Robin had joined them once his patrol had ended in Gotham.
They had just gotten past the entry when a loud screech belonging to a livid Cassie stopped them cold.
“CONNER KENT GET IN HERE THIS MINUTE!”
All color left the clone’s face as his heart and blood simultaneously stopped and turned to ice. Both Kid Flash and Red Robin looked from the direction of their angered teammate to their likely condemned friend, faces full of shock and possibly a little sympathy.
“What on earth did you do this time?” Red Robin asked.
“I have no idea.” Conner answered as he contemplated how far he could get before Wonder Girl was able to hunt him down and murder him (if he was lucky that is all she would do to him).
He never got to answer that thought though as the object of his demise stormed in.
“Conner Kent, look at what your dog did to my Christmas decorations!” She screeched as she thrust something mangled into his arms.
It took him a moment to look from the angry demi-goddess down to the destroyed decoration, but when he did he laughed at the sight before him.
“It is NOT funny.” She glared. “Your dog completely destroyed it! I expect you to get another one by this time tomorrow or you are going to find out EXACTLY what happens when you feed an elf after midnight.”
Conner nodded, suppressing all temptation to give in to the twisted relief he felt. “Okay. Sorry about that. Not sure what got into Krypto,” Conner acquiesced.
The moment Cassie was out of earshot both the meta and Kid Flash broke out in laughter, as Krypto whined from his hiding place in the corner.
Conner extended a hand to the dog, who quickly ran to his master, tail tucked and an apologetic look.
“Am I missing something?” Tim asked, leveling a look that said he had already pieced together what was going on, but was waiting for his friends to explain their side of things.
“Cassie had this really super creepy thing called an elf on the shelf that looked more like a possessed toy and it is supposed to keep an eye on everyone to make sure they behave so Santa will know who is naughty or nice, and she claimed it was a Christmas tradition.” Bart vomited out in one long unending sentence.
“Yeah,” Conner nodded while scratching behind Krypto’s ears and reassuring the super dog that he was not angry with him. “Guess Krypto thought it was just as evil as we did. He probably thought it was a threat and he was protecting us like the good boy he is. Isn’t that right buddy?”
The giant super dog’s tail began wagging back and forth in excitement at hearing Conner was not mad at him.
“I see.” Tim stated flatly, then, after a moment continued. “That does make sense. Especially from what I have seen of those things.”
“Unfortunately we still have to replace it.” Bart commented, sounding a bit sad at the thought of having anything so creepy around once again.
“Yeah,” Conner agreed less than enthusiastically as he stood up and turned toward his friends.
“If I may, there is a bit of an alternative.” Tim interjected. “Allow me to introduce you to Mensch on the Bench.” He held up his phone to show the other two heroes the picture on it. “It is a less creepy alternative to the traditional Elf on the Shelf. If Cassie asks, tell her that I’m Jewish and you decided to compromise with both Christian and Jewish traditions in order to promote unity within the group. Though I would recommend using different phrasing.” He gave a small smirk. “As she will know I was the one who told you to do it, and I would rather stay out of your… tiffs.”
“Tim, that’s brilliant!” Conner hooted, taking the device from his best friend.
“Awesome! No more creepy nightmare Donald Trump!” Bart declared.
Tim threw a slightly disturbed look at Kid Flash’s declaration.
“What?” Bart questioned.
Conner just reached for Tim’s arm and shook his head. “Trust me, you do NOT want to know.”
Tim nodded in agreement with the meta’s assessment.
“So, what do we do with the psychotic demon toy?” Bart asked.
They all looked at the mangled remains of the elf on the shelf, simultaneous shivers running down all their backs.
“It is rather unsettling.” Tim commented.
“We could burn it in the fireplace.” Kid Flash suggested.
“No.” Conner responded. “I do not want this thing anywhere near this place. What if it comes back to life?”
Tim leveled a skeptical look at the him. “I don’t think that is likely to happen.”
Conner glared back, look equally skeptical. “Are you sure? Look again, do you really want to take that chance?”
“I suppose given our track record, that is a valid possibility.” Tim conceded.
“We could send it to Ra’s al Ghul- a demon toy for the Demon’s head.” Conner suggested.
Tim shot him a glare. “I would prefer not to start another war with the League any time soon.”
“Oh come on Rob, you are the one who has been worried about how quiet they have been lately.” Super Boy jabbed half-jokingly.
“No.”
“What if we dropped it in a volcano?” Bart asked.
Red Robin and Super Boy looked at each other and nodded. “That will work.” They agreed at the same time.
“Which volcano is farthest from here?”
“What about Kilauea?” Red Robin asked looking at Super Boy.
“No!” Conner yelled as he threw both hand, and consequently the demon possessed elf, in a halting motion. “I am from Hawaii. I like Hawaii. I am NOT doing that to them.”
“Krakatoa?” Kid Flash asked. “I was reading about it in one of the library’s books when I was bored.”
“That may work, but I still do not know if that is going to be far enough.” Super Boy stated.
“Hmmm. You know, there is an active volcano on Zaron Ten. The planet is uninhabited and fairly unimportant to the survival of any surrounding planets as well should the elf turn out to be truly possessed and cause planetary destruction.” Red Robin suggested.
“Sounds great Rob, but how do we get there. I’m good, but flying through open space for prolonged periods of time is pushing things a bit.” Conner interjected.
“While that is true, I happen to know Doctor Fate is currently running some tests in that area of the galaxy. I am certain he would be more than willing to help if we asked politely.”
“SOLD!” Both Conner and Bart shouted in unison.
“Awesome, let’s get going!” Conner exclaimed, leading the way out the door.