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Sometimes Jared has to take trips to places that Jensen can’t go. It isn’t because Jensen is classified as a Testonic – sub-human with sub-rights. No. It is because Jared, for all his humility, is a freaking genius that on occasion has to go to classified areas and do classified things.
The first time that Jared had to leave, Jensen got excited over the prospect. He thinks that anybody in his situation would have. He’s pretending to be something he isn’t, and he signed up for a lifetime of that. A bit of time alone sounded like a godsend.
It really, really wasn’t. The truth of the matter is that Jensen is dependent on having company around him. Even though he spent the majority of his life as an invalid, he has always had people nearby. Nurses or doctors or family – Jensen had never spent a single, solitary day completely alone before. There had always been somebody changing his diapers or hooking up his latest IV or rolling him over so he didn’t get bedsores.
He doesn’t like it when Jared is gone. Jensen detests that sort of lonely. But he isn’t good with crowds either. Trying to fix his lonesomeness by going to a shopping center had almost ended in disaster. There had been too many people that he didn’t know, too many variables. All Jensen had been able to do was constantly worry about when the kids were going to start screaming or when the adults would start up their polite staring yet not staring routine.
Of all the programming that his mother put into his skull when she was busy remaking him, Jensen’s social programming is what feels the most forced. He knows that the false charm and the easy manner that he uses when speaking to strangers at a party isn’t his own. The real Jensen only knows how to be a freak. If he isn’t with Jared, his mind reverts to his old worries and routines. He supposes that they’re so far ingrained in him that not even Testonic overwriting can combat them.
The strange thing is that Jensen had originally been worried about the sex. Going from having no sex drive and a ‘penis’ that was little more than a wrinkled, ovoid skin flap with a urethra in it to a fully functional eight inches had been a little daunting. He expected that there would be mountains of personal issues for him as a sexual being.
Jensen doesn’t know what his original sexual orientation was. His singular testicle had barely put out enough testosterone to make him grow, and that was about it. He could find people attractive, but his body couldn’t produce the right symptoms for arousal. Gay, straight or bisexual identification had not been an issue.
Jensen had gotten his first erection when Jared had been driving him ‘home’ from Jensen’s real home. It had been elating and frightening all at once. Every teenage coming of age movie had suddenly made so much more sense as did all of the jokes about teenage boys. Jensen couldn’t wait to test drive his new equipment.
But because Jared was a total sweetheart and a bit gun shy, he was nervous about tapping a sure thing. It took the guy three fucking long days to finally slip his hand into Jensen’s shorts once they went to bed for the night. As far as Jensen is still concerned, his three days experiencing the teenage angst of masturbation were completely unnecessary.
He thinks, maybe, that his mother oversexed him, but he tries not to dwell on that idea. She is his mother, and he doesn’t want to think about her programming him to be all, “Woo Hoo! Cock!” even though he knows that she did. The stark truth of the matter is that Jared wanted his Testonic to be very homosexually attracted to him. It was in Jensen’s best interest that he completely comply with that desire. He is going to be warming the man’s bed for the rest of his life – no need for him not to enjoy it.
What bothers Jensen is that he likes Jared on an emotional level. He likes Jared. A lot. He’s smitten in ways that are unhealthy because real Testonics don’t develop deep attachments. They can’t. They’re called ‘soulless’ for a reason.
Jensen isn’t sure what he would do if Jared ever fell back into the ‘dating a real human’ syndrome and brought a date home. There would likely be fighting and crying and a scene that would have authorities and medical professionals flocking to Dr. Ackles’s lab. Then Jensen would end up charged with fraud and his mother would end up in prison.
Thankfully, Jared doesn’t show any signs of wanting anybody else. Jensen is attentive to him, and he hardly ever goes outside unless he takes Jensen with him. He always treats Jensen like he is a precious boyfriend rather than an expensive bobble.
Worrying about losing Jared’s affection is pointless though. If it happens, Jensen will deal with it then. There is no sense in borrowing trouble.
Of course, if he isn’t busy worrying, then he has to find something else to do with his time. After over two decades of being confined to a bed, Jensen has done more than his fair share of reading and entertainment watching. The novelty of legs and feet that work is still there even after a year of being mobile.
He likes to go places. So long as he doesn’t break his cover and act too human, there is nothing stopping him from doing so. Except… he still has his dislike of crowds of ‘normal’ people.
It is quite the conundrum at first. Even though he is pretending to be a Testonic, he isn’t one. Ignoring his needs is beyond foolish. Testonics don’t get truly depressed. They don’t have that range of emotion, and Jensen needs to stay on top of his mental health far more than his physical if he expects to keep up his charade.
The answer comes by way of an invitation that gets hand delivered for Jared. It is fancy and needlessly expensive. Jared will likely throw it away the instant that he sees it. He only accepts the minimal amount of public engagements. There is a complex mathematical formula written on a whiteboard above the coffee pot in the kitchen that he uses to determine when he should accept an invitation.
Jensen can’t understand the equation, but he does know that they just attended a swim party in Florida two weeks ago. There isn’t any way that Jared will be making another engagement so soon. But the party itself isn’t what catches Jensen’s eye. The cause attached to it is.
Rich people throw their money at things. Poor people throw their time. The middle class tries to balance everything out. At least, that is how some nameless party host had drunkenly explained the process of charitable work to him.
Jensen isn’t sure where Testonics are supposed to fall into that continuum, but he knows that not all of his supposed kind are made for sex. Many of them are nannies or maids or caretakers. Jared, for all of his reluctance to be a public figure, is kind-hearted. Nobody is going to raise an eyebrow at his Testonic donating some time to talk to the forgotten people sitting in hospitals and nursing homes.
So Jensen recycles the expensive paper and makes a few calls. After all, he knows how those people feel even if he doesn’t look it.