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“Look at yourself,” Seokjin mutters sternly, splashing cold water on his face and then lifting his eyes so he’ll be able to stare at his reflection “look at what he’s done to you.”
He’s been doing this for the last fifteen minutes now, the collar of his sweatshirt is dark with stains of water that have trickled down his neck, his face is red from how cold the water is and let’s not even talk about his hair, unkempt and looking like a bird’s nest from how many times he’s ruffled with it. But when he looks at his eyes they’re not red, and they’re not puffy and there’s not any tears clinging to his eyelashes so he takes this as a small win and sighs.
At least he’s not crying anymore.
He pushes himself away from the mirror, sinking down onto the floor. That sounds like a lovely metaphor for his situation right now does it? This is the lowest he could ever get, curled up into a ball in the middle of his bathroom, feeling like his heart is being shattered for the hundredth time (all of them by the same person). He presses his head against his knees and tries not to think, because if he does he’ll cry and that means that he’ll have lost the tiniest shred of pride he still has. He can’t let Min Yoongi take everything away from him, he could take his first kiss, his first relationship, his first I love you, hell he could even take Seokjin’s virginity but not this one last thing. It’s all he has left.
This hell began two years ago, and for two damn years Seokjin has found himself trapped in a toxic cycle of being ignored, being pushed away and then being taken back. He wonders what Hoseok was thinking when he decided to play matchmaker, but it’s not his best friend’s fault that the guy ended up being such a piece of shit. His relationship with Yoongi was (and is) a ticking bomb, there was a quote he heard in an old song that said 'Love, from the beginning we've been tempting time' if that doesn't describe him and Yoongi he doesn't know what will.
Not everything was bad, there were good things, beautiful things that Seokjin only yearns to repeat with someone else. He remembers sitting on the sand wearing Yoongi’s hoodie, looking up at the stars as they swore they would always be together. He remembers the same old joke Yoongi would tell every time he felt sad. He remembers everything about their relationship, which is a fact that he both hates and loves, because he knows what is true and false, he doesn’t let Yoongi taint with his memories as he tries to manipulate him into believing he didn’t flirt with other people while Seokjin was at home.
One day he’ll be in a relationship with someone who remembers everything, just like him. Someone who won’t push him away after getting him used to being spoiled, someone who won’t call him crazy for asking for love. He shakes his head, hoping it could be like one of those etch-a-sketch, trying to will the bad thoughts away before his eyes can cloud with tears and his heart can shatter completely.
“This carpet is so ugly,” Seokjin murmurs, and he’s almost surprised to how normal his voice sounds, it’s not broken like his insides. He’s said this before, hell, he thinks about how ugly this thing is every morning when he comes to wash his teeth, but it’s a constant in his life and that’s what he needs right now. This carpet that’s colored a faded peachy pink, that has stains that Seokjin doesn’t even want to know where they came from. He might just begin waxing poetic about it.
But then, a memory pops right in front of his eyes before he can even stop it, the scent of vanilla in the air and pine and musk, the warmth of the water below him and the glow of the candles illuminating the tiles in the bathroom wall. Being held in the white bathtub that sits next to the ugliest carpet in the world and him laughing and pointing out just how hideous the piece of fabric is. His exhale is shaky when he remembers how it felt to be pressed against his chest, how lovely it was to be kissed in the top of his head as he rubbed conditioner all over his hair. Oh, for all the bad things Yoongi did, he always gave the best massages.
So many years ago Jin thought that if he ever had a boyfriend, he would never be the type of person to cling to his partner a lot. Seokjin is a strong, independent man. He event went as far as to quote Pippi Longstocking’s ‘I am the ocean and nobody owns me.’. How could it be that he’s let this come this far? Why is it that he can’t put a stop to this nightmare? He closes his eyes and resists the urge to slap himself silly.
He sat like this too the first time he and Yoongi broke up. It’s by far the worst Seokjin has ever experienced. The feeling of someone taking the floor from under you and feeling yourself fall down even though you’re laying in your bed. It was so cold-hearted, and so angry and as he sat on the floor of his bathroom and sobbed until he had to vomit, Seokjin swore that he would never let Min Yoongi touch him again.
Funny how that lasted for two months, before Yoongi was asking him to get back together and Seokjin, as always took him back.
Seokjin has to take a deep breath, actually no, he should take that bottle of wine that he keeps in the fridge for occasions just as this one (‘special occasions’ he calls them, Hoseok just calls them ‘a closer step to anonymous alcoholics’). But he doesn’t want to move at all, he just wants to let himself be sad for a bit, just for a bit, until he has to put his big boy pants and get out there and pretend he’s not taking calls from his ex anymore.
The worst part is he could stop it, stop all of this, he could tell Yoongi ‘you know what? I’m tired of this bullshit,’ and just hang up the phone and block him. It’s not like he’ll ever see him again until Hoseok’s birthday. But whenever the words are about to leave his lips he closes his mouth, closes his throat and forces a smile into his voice. Because he’s too coward and too attached to do anything that will cause him a little bit more pain. It’s like he’s opting not to buy a bus pass and paying the full price of the bus every time he gets on. It’s inconvenient, it costs way more and it’s hurting him.
He remembers a time when the words that he was too shy to say were different, when they conveyed love, and just like every time since the beginning of their relationship, it was Yoongi who said them first. Isn’t it funny? Yoongi was the one to confess to Seokjin (holding hands in a little quaint cafe), he was the one to tell him he loved Seokjin (in between kisses, pressing the words into Seokjin’s lips and whispering them over and over again) and he has been the one to break up the beautiful relationship they had (by phone, both times). For someone who is younger than Jin he sure does take a lot of the initiative.
His throat is closing up and he needs to take another deep breath, one that will fill up his lungs instead of emphasizing the emptiness in his heart. He’s dramatic, but after all Yoongi has put him through he feels like he might deserve a little bit of drama for a while. For a second he vaguely wonders what time it is, Yoongi usually calls at 7h00PM, always on the dot, never a minute late.
That’s a lie, he expects Seokjin to have his phone at that moment, but he’s allowed to be late or just not call at all. Jin can’t call him or he’ll get annoyed, and when Seokjin gets angry at him for not calling he makes it up by saying he still likes Jin.
God he’s pathetic, following a man that doesn’t really give two shits around like a puppy. This is why Jungkook hates Yoongi’s guts. Seokjin used to be so prideful, so strong, he used to hate people who would allow themselves to be used carelessly and then tossed around like napkins. Every time it had happened to Hoseok he would reprimand his best friend, shake him by the shoulders and slap him around a little so he would become conscious of what he was doing. Not even a punch to the face would make Seokjin rethink his actions now.
How is it that he finds himself here? Being friends with benefits with his ex, who is over him by now, doesn’t give a shit about him and is only using him for the sex? Seokjin makes a face, looking up and pressing his head against the door of the bathroom. Before he can stop it his eyes brim with tears, and they’re rolling down his cheeks.
He lost.