Work Text:
“We ready to go live, kids?”
“Network's up, Mr. Choi. Time is 23:59- we're live in 3....2....1..”
[Opening title for 30 seconds: It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M.
...fade]
TC: Gooooood evening ladies, gents, and everybody having a party in the gray area- you're listening to Radio LOCCENT, the most happenin' show this side of the Breach! As always, I am your host Tendo Choi. The hour is 24:00 and isn't it past your bedtime?
[Silence]
TC: [Yells] I didn't fucking think so! It's a beautiful Thursday night here at the Hong Kong Shatterdome, I'm on my eighth cup of coffee, and man have we got a great show for you. After some kickass tunes we'll have in-studio guest Anja Talbot here to tell you about the upcoming Shatterdome Battle of the Bands, some of your requests, some announcements, and a few surprises- so turn up those speakers, rangers. The PPDC needs all of us to do our part, so you might as well just stay the hell up and rock out.
[Cue:
There's a Party Goin' On- Ace & The Ragers
Oh Boy- Buddy Holly & The Crickets
Folsom Prison Blues- Johnny Cash]
TC: That was just a little RRRRRRrockabilly set to get your toes tappin'. But before we really get this party goin' on, let's get some business out of the way. We have a few announcements. If you'd like a full, detailed list about bomb drills and bingo nights and all that shit, why don't you get your ass up at 0-8:00 and listen to the actual announcements? 'Cuz that's not what we do here.
[Rustling of pages.]
TC: Alllll right. First off, from J-Tech, department of jaeger maintenance. A reminder that the jaeger submersion testing pools in the basement are off limit to non-J-Tech personnel and that security has been posted at the entrances during off-duty hours.
On that note, adult swim has been canceled for Thursday night. And the water polo match between the Japanese and Korean crews is suspended until further notice. Buzzkill, am I right?
Next up, something from the Mess Hall's very own tiny Cantonese grandmother, Mrs. Feng: “While Hong Kong and the Shatterdome are not under rationing, sugar has become more expensive for the Mess Hall to procure during the last few rounds of budget cuts. Please be conscientious and do not take more than one dessert at meals.”
I dunno Mrs. F. I'm willing to make budget sacrifices if I get two puddings at dinner. We can cut some more from K-Science, right?
[silence, audible groan from a LOCCENT technician]
TC: I know, I know, not funny guys. I know you're working on like punchcards and Amigas down there or some shit.
Mach 3 Restoration Program leader Mako Mori's cat Totoro had a healthy litter of five kittens this past week. Well Miss Mori has finally caved to pressure from Marshall Pentecost and HR and will be offering the kittens- free of charge- to good homes. Anyone living outside of shared barracks can be considered- but seriously y'all, go down to Restoration and at least see these adorable little bastards before they get scooped up.
On Friday night the Russian crew will be having a benefit borscht dinner and raffle in Mess Hall 3 to help Junior Sergeant Zhenya Smolensky afford his top surgery. Raffle prizes include an entire month's vodka rations (which should last folks like us a year, am I right?), a case of Red Bull- you heard me, a case of the shit, and -oh... you're gonna like this boys and girls- a candlelit dinner date with Striker Eureka pilot Hercules Hansen. The din- oh....
[beat]
Did you hear that, folks?
That's the sound of ovaries exploding all over this here Shatterdome.
Tempting prizes aside, you guys should really try to make it over. Whenever the Russians host anything it turns into a rager and Zhenya's a long-time listener and the sweetest little bastard to boot- so go on and help him out.
Speaking of Russians- tomorrow Lieutenants Sasha and Aleksis Kaidanovsky celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary. Awwww, congratulations, you guys. I'm sure those years of death-defying ass-kicking wedded bliss just fly by. Just like with kaiju blue contamination, people have been advised to avoid the area surrounding the Kaidanovsky's bunk for 48 hours or until given all-clear. This is for your personal safety.
Next up- movie news! This week's American midnight movie is... wait... what, really?
Clueless.
[Aside: “These are the only American movies we can get our hands on, really? This is freaking Hong Kong.”]
TC: [Clears throat] Sunday afternoon the Japanese Cinema Appreciation Society will be showing the classic Sansho the Bailiff in Hangar 10. Friday night's got a double-feature in Mess Hall 1- Farewell my Concubine with subtitles in English and Arabic at 21:00 and then 2007 Bollywood hit Om Shanti Om at 24:00 with subtitles in English and Mandarin.
Finally, due to damage caused by last week's kaiju battle, Sang-Mi will not be hosting the K-Pop hour later today. She's really hoping that Crimson Typhoon will be up to 100% by her Monday night slot, though. Filling in for her is Marco Tuscarora, who will be playing the best (and let's be honest, a few of the worst) of Latin trip-hop.
Coming up next for you- a little set of odds and ends, first of which is a ~special request~ from Andrea Schumacher to her “cherry blossom” Jade Vuong in munitions.
[Cue:
My Baby Just Cares for Me- Nina Simone
Just Can't Get Enough- Depeche Mode
Put a Lid on it- Squirrel Nut Zippers]
“Hey Marty, how's the network looking tonight?”
“Two hundred and sixty two listeners Mr. Choi- and I know Quartermaster, J-Tech South, and all the American and Canadian techs in Bay 3 are listening... so it's probably more like four hundred.”
“Bee-yootiful.”
“Is Anja ready?”
“She's just outside, let me get her mic-ed.”
“Awesome, live again in thirty.”
TC: Good evening everybody, you're listening to Radio LOCCENT. The time is thirty minutes past midnight and if you're just tuning in, where the hell have you been?
Radio LOCCENT is broadcasted here at Local Command Center Tuesday and Thursday nights from 24:00 to 1:00, Hong Kong time. As always, I'm here with everybody's favorite audio tech, Martin Leung. Say hello, Marty.
ML: Hey Shatterdome!
TC: And also typing furiously away is the lovely Nyima Tsarong, who is transcribing all of the dumb shit that comes out of my mouth into English, Cantonese, and Arabic.
NT: Mahnseuhng hou, Shatterdome!
TC: Ain't she a peach? And smart as a goddamned whip- how many languages do you speak, Nyima?
NT: With fluency?
[Beat]
NT: Only six. But I'm working on my Korean!
TC: [Laughs] Puts me to shame, girl. What about you Marty?
ML: Uhhh...just two... unless really bad Japanese counts.
TC: If your crappy Japanese counts, then my hackneyed Tagalog counts.
ML: Are you kidding? Those girls' boyfriends almost killed you at that bar! You mixed up the words for ' mistake' and 'ugly jackass'.
TC: Marty speaks of an incident during our wayward youth in Manila, before I was happily married to my gorgeous-and-perfect wife, Allison. [Beat] And it was totally their fault for not listening to the context.
[Sound of someone's throat clearing]
TC: Aaaaaanyway. We've got a guest here tonight! All the way from transport tech is Anja Talbot, who is going to tell us about the third annual Shatterdome Battle of the Bands, which is happening this Saturday night! Say hello to our lovely listeners, Anja.
AT: Dobryy vecher, Tendo. Good evening, listeners!
TC: All right, so Anja here has been corralling the Shatterdome's best amateur acts for the last month. What can you tell us about the show?
AT: Well, you know Tendo, we did start the Battle of the Bands three years ago with only two bands. This year we have the most participation yet- nine bands are to compete.
TC: Daaaaang. Quite a turnout. Any big contenders this year, Anja?
AT: All of the bands are wonderful! The Shatterdome should be very proud.
TC: Oh come on, Anja, there's got to be somebody nosing ahead of the pack.
AT: Chto?
TC: A certain all-girl ska band headed up by a gorgeous caramel goddess...
AT: Tendo! I told you. I do not choose the winner. Oniskaska will have to compete with the other bands.
TC: [Stage whisper] No contest.
AT: We do have a... how do you say... grudge match between Neural Handshake and the Baguitareys. Neural Handshake just barely defeated the Baguitareys at last's years concert.
TC: Sounds like a real barnburner, Anja. When is it?
AT: The Battle of the Bands is this Saturday in Hanger 4 at 20:00. It is free for Shatterdome personnel, but we will be collecting donations to the Hong Kong Kaiju Orphans Fund.
TC: Aww, that's great. [Takes a sip of coffee] Ahh... cup number nine, always goes down smooth. You heard the lady, folks- come to the Shatterdome Battle of the Bands. There are going to be some face-melting performances and most importantly- my wife
[Silence. Anja Talbot audibly glares]
TC: and charity... yeah... charity.
How about we stop talking about music and actually play some?
Coming up next we have a very special set called 'Music that Dr. Newton Geiszler Would Like to Screw Dr. Hermann Gottleib Tenderly To (If Only He Had the Balls to Tell Him)' gleaned from the scientist's very own hard drive. Newt, if you're listening, buddy, you really need to up the security on your personal laptop, I was into it in like... forty seconds, a minute tops... and...
Sorry everybody, Marty's giving me the 'wrap it up handwave' so here's a scientific mix tape to hopefully put an end to some of those betting pools that have been going since- what?- 2017?
[Cue:
Space Age Love Song- A Flock of Seagulls
When My Boy Walks Down the Street- The Magnetic Fields
Take This Waltz- Leonard Cohen
TC: It should be noted, listeners, that that wasn't the entire playlist- which is two hours long. Apparently Newt has some really elaborate plans for Dr. Gottleib. Like bottle of red wine in the specimen cooler plans....
[Metallic banging sounds]
TC: Oh man, you guys! Looks like we have Newt Geiszler himself stopping by the show! Or at least we would if I unlocked the door.
[Man's voice: You want me to let him in?]
TC: Heeeeelll no. Yeah. He looks pretty pissed and- yes seems to be mouthing threats that I shouldn't even repeat on a late night program....
[Banging on the door and the sound of muffled shrieking. The microphone manages to pick up 'you're a massive fucking tool']
TC: Language, Newt. [Clacking of rosary beads] Stop making baby Jesus cry. We need to protect Marty's virgin ears.
ML: What?
TC: Exactly.
Well folks, I'm on cup number ten and it looks like we're out of time for tonight. Be sure to check out our PPDC homepage for set lists and transcripts of tonight's show in English, Cantonese, Arabic, and Russian. Next week, if the apocalypse holds off and Newt Geiszler doesn't tear me apart with his nerd rage (which may or may not be the same thing) we'll have Dr. Chander Jobanutra from Med Bay here to explain why even during potential End of Days you need to wrap that shit up.
Next up, Noriko Kondo tears this dome up with J-Pop from 1:00 to 2:00, then BBC world service news takes over until dawn.
Once more from Martin, Nyima, Anja, Newt (who has probably clawed through the door)-
[Off microphone, but audible “I'M GONNA PISS IN YOUR COFFEE, TENDO”]
TC: -and all of us here at LOCCENT, this is Tendo Choi, signing off. Get some goddamned sleep.
[Sign off music. Happy Trails- Van Halen]
[End of transmission]