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Magnus kept it together as long as they were busy dealing with the aftermath of his fight with Iris. Once he had closed the door behind Jace, Clary, Izzy and Simon, he leaned his head against the wood for a second and took a deep breath. Him and Alec needed to talk.
A few hours earlier, when he had opened the door to his rooftop and seen Alec fall, he had just acted, without a second thought. Now that Alec was safe and far away from that ledge, the adrenaline from that moment had worn off and the panic and shock started to settle in. Magnus didn’t even want to think about what may have happened if he hadn’t been up there in time. Just the imagination of it made a cold shiver run down his back. The warlock shook his head in attempt to get the memory out of his head. His own feelings were not important right now, he had to find out why Alec climbed up that ledge in the first place.
But when he turned around and scanned the chaotic mess that usually was his living room, his favorite shadowhunter was nowhere to be found. Magnus felt a slight wave of panic rising in his chest when he looked at the stairway that led up to the rooftop. But just a few seconds later he saw something moving on the balcony and relaxed. Of course. Where else would Alec be in a moment like this one?
The balcony was not the prettiest place in Magnus’s apartment and by far not the most comfortable one. But somehow, the small outside space with the nice view over the East River and the Brooklyn Bridge had become their place over the past few weeks. It had become the place for honest conversations as well as moments of affection – from their talk when Jace had been missing up to evenings full of quiet conversations, red wine and lazy kisses. It was the one place where both Alec and Magnus could let go of everything that was bothering them, snuggle up to each other and just be them for a few precious moments in between shadowhunter missions and warlock duties.
And of course, it was a good place to just be honest with each other and talk about things. Which was what Magnus intended to do.
When he walked through the open glass door, Alec was sitting on the fire escape. In that moment, Magnus knew that something was up. Usually, they would sit together on the small couch Magnus had placed against the wall. Alec hadn’t sat on that staircase since the one time he’d fled the institute after that fateful demon attack. Judging from his frown and the way he was absently running his fingers over where his left hand had been hurt, the reason for him being out there right now was a very similar one, if not the same one as back then.
Alec didn’t say anything when Magnus stepped out into the chilly Brooklyn air, just quietly looked at the warlock, eyes somewhat calm, yet holding something back that Magnus could not yet recognize. When Magnus approached him, Alec scooted over, making room for the him on the step and interlaced their fingers as soon as the warlock had sat down. He remained silent through the entire process.
Magnus didn’t say anything either, just ran his thumb over Alec’s hand in a soothing manner. He heard his boyfriend take a few shaky breaths and was just about to open his mouth to ask Alec to talk to him, when the shadowhunter leaned into him and buried his head in the crook of his neck, right where his neck met his shoulder. Magnus sighed and placed his free hand on Alec’s cheek, running his fingers over the soft skin.
“I’m sorry for earlier today”, Alec admitted after a few more moments. And even though his voice was muffled by his shirt, Magnus could hear the emotions in his voice, the despair and the shame. He let go of Alec’s hand and wrapped his arm around the shadowhunter’s shoulders instead, pulling him closer, and placed a small kiss on his forehead.
“That was quite the scare you gave me today, Alexander.”
Magnus could feel Alec tense up, but he was not going to hold back his words. Alec’s obvious misery made him feel bad as well, but just ignoring the entire situation wouldn’t make anything better. The only thing that would, was talking about it, no matter how uncomfortable it may make the both of them.
“What happened up there? I mean, I know that Iris messed with all of your minds, but what made you climb up that ledge, Alec?”
He looked down to where Alec was still nestled against him, eyes closed, face still frowned. The shadowhunter took a few deep breaths and then straightened up so he could look at Magnus properly. And suddenly the words just kept flowing out of him, as if he had just waited for the right opportunity to let them out.
“Honestly? I don’t know…I was up there taking a break from the party and the noise and then Clary came up, suddenly throwing all those accusations about Jocelyn at me. Of course, that was that warlock messing with my head, but I just felt so guilty. I still do. I mean, I’m the one responsible for all of this.” His voice started to tremble and he went back to cuddling into Magnus.
Magnus’s eyes turned soft when he realized where this was going. “Alexander. You didn’t kill Jocelyn. That demon did.” Valentine’s attack at the Institute had hit all of them badly and apparently Alec the worst.
“But that’s the point!”, Alec said, voice suddenly exasperated. “If I hadn’t let that demon in, Jocelyn would still be alive. And I wouldn’t feel so goddamn guilty every time I see Clary.”
Alec’s voice broke at the last part, indicating how awful he must feel about the entire thing. He ran a hand through his hair in frustration and started to stare out over the city again, apparently in an attempt to hide his feeling. What he forgot though, was that he was talking to Magnus Bane, who had been able to see right through his defenses since day one.
Just as he could now. The warlock sighed again. A wave of sympathy rushed through him when he saw the hurt in his boyfriend’s features and realized that Alec was far from being over the entire demon attack. He took both of Alec’s hands in his and then ran his hands up the shadowhunter’s arms, resting one of them on his shoulders while the other one gently nudged Alec’s face back to him. It almost physically hurt him to look into those brown eyes that were usually so kind and warm, and see nothing but hurt and shame.
Magnus sighed again when he finally managed to look into Alec’s eyes. “Alexander, I know this is difficult for you. I know that you’re angry, and hurt and disappointed with yourself. And I know that all those feelings won’t go away easily. But let me assure you that you don’t have to go through this alone. I’ll be there for you every step of the way.” He held Alec’s gaze, a reassuring smile on his lips, and watched the expression in those pretty hazel eyes turn a bit softer. That was, until Alec pulled him into his arms and hugged him tight.
“Thank you for being there for me.”, Alec murmured into the fabric of the warlock’s shirt, then turned his head to the side so he could place a gentle kiss onto Magnus’s neck. Magnus ignored the shiver at the feeling of Alec’s lips against the sensitive skin of his neck and just tightened his embrace, running one hand slowly up and down Alec’s back. “Anytime.”
They stayed like that for a little while, holding on to each other, breathing each other in. Eventually Magnus felt the tension in Alec’s body gradually fade away. The shadowhunter relaxed more and more into the embrace while the bottled-up hurt and anger slowly poured out of him.
And although that was a good sign, Magnus had had to deal with far too much grief in his life to mistake this for progress. Sitting out here and talking about it may have taken the edge off of Alec’s pain, but he knew that it would take a lot more time and a lot more conversations like this one to really get rid of all the guilt and accusations Alec held against himself.
For now, Magnus was satisfied with Alec knowing that he would always be there for him, no matter what. At this stage, there was not much more he could do anyway.
Except making one thing very clear. He moved back from their embrace just enough so he could look at Alec and make sure that his boyfriend really understood how important what he was about to say was to him. “Just promise me one thing, Alec”, Magnus sighed and pushed a stray strand of Alec’s hair back into its place, “don’t ever, ever try to jump off a roof like that. When I came out and saw you fall…” His voice broke at the memory, but he pulled himself together. This was important. “You scared the hell out of me tonight.”
Another flash of guilt flashed through Alec’s eyes and he broke Magnus’s gaze for a second. “Promise”, he replied, offering a small, apologetic smile, “no more spontaneous rooftop stunts.”
“Good. I would have tied you up inside my apartment otherwise, you irrational, unpredictable idiot”, Magnus said and stood up. He turned around and raised one finger and pretended he was thinking about something. That expression didn’t last long though, it was quickly replaced by a sly grin. “Well, actually, when I think about it, tying you up somewhere doesn’t sound so bad after all.”
If Magnus had not known better, he would not believe that Alec had been all hurt and self-conscious just a few minutes ago. Because frome one moment to another, the tough, put-together shadowhunter turned into a blushing mess. He covered his eyes with his right hand and glimpsed through his fingers at the warlock who was still standing in front of him and who was apparently incredibly satisfied with himself. “You and your innuendos”, Alec groaned. But then he shook his head and let out a soft laugh.
“Oh come on, Lightwood, you love them”, the warlock replied, relieved about the lightened mood. He held out his hand for Alec and pulled the shadowhunter up. If they didn’t want to catch a cold, they should better get inside. After all, it was a chilly February night and they had been outside long enough, considering neither of them was wearing a jacket. Also, Alec was shivering. “Come on, let’s get inside.”
He pulled Alec into the apartment and waved his hand towards the door so the glass would slide shut. It was only when he turned around that he found Alec staring at him absently, like he was making up his mind about something. When Alec’s gaze met his, Magnus didn’t say anything. Instead, he just shot his boyfriend a questioning look paired with an encouraging smirk. And even though Alec blushed even more at being caught staring, it got him talking.
“So…I was thinking about earlier when you showed Max your warlock mark. I was wondering if you…you know, maybe could do that again? I mean, I respect if you do that only for your close friends and since we’ve been not dating for that long, that you may be not comfortable with – “
Alec didn’t get to finish his sentence when he was cut off by Magnus’s lips kissing him softly. He pressed back eagerly and opened his mouth slightly, when he felt the warlock chuckle against his lips and pull away. When Alec opened his eyes, he was met with the warm golden glow of Magnus’s cat eyes. The sight took him aback, his breath hitched and his eyes widened in awe. Alec placed one of his hands on Magnus’s face, softly caressing his cheek with his thumb, never breaking their gaze.
Alec was used to having problems keeping his eyes from Magnus, but now that he looked directly into the soft, glowing gold of those cat eyes, looking away became absolutely impossible.
It was only when he noticed the subtle, but present hint of insecurity in his boyfriend’s eyes that he realized that showing his cat eyes to other people must have to be a huge deal for Magnus. To show him that he had nothing to fear when he was with Alec, he pressed another gentle kiss to Magnus’s lips and then leaned their foreheads together, so he could be as close as possible to Magnus but still look at him. He wanted to make sure Magnus knew he meant what he was about to say. “They’re beautiful, Magus. Just like the rest of you.”
The warlock’s soft smile turned wide at the compliment and Alec almost didn’t believe his eyes when he saw the oh-so-confident Magnus Bane become all flustered. “Thank you, Alexander. It means a lot hearing this from you.”
However, a second later, the usual, confident Magnus was back. He bit back a laugh when he thought about what Alec had said earlier. He leaned up so his lips were brushing Alec’s ear. “And, just in case you haven’t noticed”, he teased, letting one of his hands wander from Alec’s chest to the small of his back and lower, “you are so much more than just a close friend to me.”
And judging by the passionate kiss and everything that followed, this was not a thing that Alec needed much convincing with.