Work Text:
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Kaká is insane
BLANK MESSAGE
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Really?
You can't just write in the subject heading and expect me to get the jist of your arguments. You see how I utilize the message space, as well? That's how normal people use e-mails.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Whatever
Kaká is insane. Are you happy now?
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Get over yourself
I am a busy person. I need succinct communications, as I am on a deadline. I have a lot of stuff to do and no time. I need to finish my article and send it to Sami for copyediting. Then, Sami has to send it to Xabi and Valdes. If it gets approved, it'll go up the ladder until Marcelo gets it for layout. Do I have to explain how this wok gets done in this dump every time you start mooning over Kaká?
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: You get over yourself
Whatever, bro. As if my brilliance is confined by the writers' silly schedule. Kaká signed me up for an online dating service. Oh my God, it is the most pathetic dating service ever. I mean, I wouldn't think he would try to sign me up for Grindr or anything, as I'm pretty sure that he still believes that sex is a secret thing that mommies and daddies do in private. It's called Love at First Write (!). It's specifically based on messaging people because they don't have profile pictures, so as to not bias people because of the probably troll-like nature of their customer-base. I'm pretty sure it's only populated by lonely virgins. This has gotten me so stressed out that I was unable to be annoyed by Messi's existence all morning. Do you know how difficult that is for me?
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Was that so hard?
See? If you just wrote that originally, you could have saved me three e-mails.
P.S. Get over yourself, stupid. It might be good for you.
From: David Villa <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: Missing you
I know I haven't talked to you since I left, but I wanted to let you know that I really miss you. I can't stop thinking about you. I know we said that we should have a clean break, since I live on the other side of the country, but I still miss you and that pain will not go away.
Love you,
David.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: David Villa <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Missing you <unsent>
Dear David,
I miss you, too. I'm not sure if we should continue doing this to ourselves. No. I really love you, but I want to wait around for you if you're not coming back. I can't send this.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: A favor, please?
Leo,
Can you debug the spare laptop in the office?
-Cris.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: A favor, please?
You couldn't ask me before I left for lunch? I'll debug the spare laptop, if you promise to bring in coffee tomorrow morning. And not that stupid Starbucks coffee that tastes like chocolate.
L.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: A favor, please?
Done.
-Cris.
P.S. I'm bringing 7-11 Brazilian Dark Roast. If you don't like that, it'll just further prove that we are incompatible as human beings and will never get along.
From: Cesc F. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]> ; Gerard P. <[email protected]>
Subject: Friday night.
Which bar are we going to? My sister's coming and I need to tell her before she tells her friends.
From: Sami K. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Where is your article?
Coaching the programmers through relationship problems is not one of your listed job responsibilities. If I don't have your article in my inbox in ten minutes, kiss your chances at getting the back page column goodbye. You see, Mascherano actually does his work.
Sami Khedira.
Copy Editor, The Classic Magazine.
From: Marcelo <[email protected]>
To: Pepe <[email protected]>
Subject: Stock Photos
Yo, where do you find stock photos of a guy balancing a soccer ball on his head and a phone on his foot? I think I saw it someplace and I need it for an article Coentrão just wrote.
The Classic Magazine (@classicmag): Colorado Rapids vs. Real Salt Lake? Who's going to win? #rockymountaincup
From: Sergio R. <[email protected]>
To: Cesc F. <[email protected]> ; Gerard P. <[email protected]>
Subject: #rockymountaincup
Really, guys? Is that how little you care about Twitter? No one is going to use that hash tag. It doesn't even look like it's fo a real rivalry. That looks like what skiers get for going down a dangerous run in Vale or Aspen. The next rivalry match is DC vs. NYRB. Figure something out.
-Sergio Ramos, Digital Editor.
Classic Magazine.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cesc F. <[email protected]> ; Gerard P. <[email protected]>
Subject: David V.
Guys, I feel really dumb about this, but I signed up for an online dating service. I think I'm ready to get over David. The HR guy, Kaká, told me about this dating service that his friend uses.
-L.
From: Gerard P. <[email protected]>
To: Cesc F. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: David V.
If we didn't have work on weekdays, we could get Leo a new boyfriend tonight. I bet everyone on Kaká's dating service is a permavirgin.
From: Cesc F. <[email protected]>
To: Gerard P. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: David V.
One of my sister's friends might be perfect for Leo. If they both get to know each other this Friday (winkwink), we won't have to worry about Leo accidentally catching someone who prays before having sex.
About: M10:
1. Why are you here? I recently got out of a long-term relationship and I'm looking for new horizons in life. I want to find companionship and hope to find a special person.
2. What are your favorites:
Movie: Sneakers
Music: I'll listen to anything really.
Sports: I'm really into soccer. My favorite teams are Barcelona and Newell's Old Boys.
TV Shows: 24 and Homeland
3. What are your passions? My passion is computers. I am a programmer and I would really like to share that with someone. Other than that, I'm a huge soccer fan. The only people I cannot deal with are Real Madrid fans.
4. Message Me If: You aren't a Real Madrid fan. All others feel free.
About: CR7:
1. Why are you here? Because I am a great person trying to seek out new people to bring into my life. I would love to forge new connections and make new friends!
2. What are your favorites:
Movie: You've Got Mail.
Music: Michel Telo.
Sports: Soccer, absolutely. Favorite teams include: Manchester United, Real Madrid, and Sporting CP.
TV Shows: New Girl (Nick/Jess forever).
3. What are your passions? I really love fitness and going to the gym. My other love is computers. I'm a programmer at a publication company, so I get to work on my passion every day. I also will watch every Real Madrid game I possibly can.
4. Message Me If: You love great conversation and a compassionate ear.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Your dating profile
I take it back. You don't have to get over yourself. Holy fuck, I looked up your profile on Love at First Write. Kaká had to have written that.
PS I didn't know your fave movie was You've Got Mail. Why does Kaká know that and I don't?
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Your dating profile.
Oh my god. Of course Kaká wrote that. I would never say that I have a "compassionate ear." I have never in my entire life had a "compassionate ear." I hate way more people than I actually like.
PS I'll be out of the programmers' cave this afternoon. One of the IT grunts (Alba, I think) called in sick, so I have to troubleshoot some computer problems upstairs. Messi is absorbed in some oh-so-important code writing. I don't get it. I barely care about the app we have to write and I was the one who came up with the idea.
PPS Watch a movie with me sometime and you'd discover my tastes fairly quickly.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Your dating profile.
Does this mean you've watched a lot of movies with Kaká? Maybe our favorite virginal HR rep is trying to get into your pants through Love at First Write.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Your dating profile.
>Maybe our favorite virginal HR rep is trying to get into your
>pants through Love at First Write.
I fucking wish. This is a remarkably roundabout way to get into my pants. I'd let him into my pants, if he asked me out to a Dennys.
From: Iker C. <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]>
Subject: Misuse of Office E-Mail
Dear all,
It has come to my attention that many of you in this office use your corporate e-mail addresses for personal use. Please do not abuse the priviledge of these e-mail addresses and potentially tarnish the good name of this magazine.
Thank you,
Iker Casillas
Editor-in-Chief
The Classic Magazine.
From: Sergio R. <[email protected]>
To: Iker C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Oh Grandpa.
;-)
From: Iker C. <[email protected]>
To: Sergio R. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Oh Grandpa
What did I just say on this matter?
From: Sergio R. <[email protected]>
To: Iker C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Oh Grandpa.
;-p
M10 liked your profile.
M10: I see that you like conversations. What kind of things do you like talking about? Certainly not sense if you enjoy Real Madrid. ;-)
CR7: I enjoy the best. What can I say?
M10: Your favorite movie is You've Got Mail? That's a little on the nose, huh?
CR7: As I said before, I like the best. You should watch it, if you haven't seen it.
M10: I don't really make it a hobby that use AOL as a plot device. Seems a little outdated.
CR7: You're missing out on some prime Meg Ryan-Tom Hanks romance, then.
M10: I've heard Sleepless in Seattle is better.
CR7: I will forever maintain that You've Got Mail is a better movie than Sleepless in Seattle. Certainly better than Joe versus the Volcano, but I shouldn't have to say that. That's a given.
M10: I've heard that When Harry Met Sally is the best.
CR7: It's a completely different dynamic without Tom Hanks. It's like saying that Kate and Leopold is comparable, just because of Meg Ryan's presence (hint: it isn't). It's enjoyable, but is missing a certain je ne se quois (i.e. Tom Hanks).
M10: So you're quite the expert of romantic comedies?
CR7: The only lives worth living are found within romantic comedies. Particularly those starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (even Joe versus the Volanco)
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: My dating profile!
Someone liked my profile! And I had a conversation with him about You've Got Mail. And he was remarkably normal (!), albeit in text.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: My dating profile!
Oh bless. Don't try to meet him until you've made sure he doesn't want to wear you like a suit.
ANONYMOUS COMPLAINTS TO HR:
A certain person in the programmer cave (IE A PROGRAMMER) wears too much cologne. It overpowers the senses and makes it impossible to work.
ANONYMOUS COMPLAINTS TO HR:
A programmer (i.e. Messi) is always complaining when a certain programmer wears his favorite programmer wears his favorite cologne. This certain programmer would appreciate it if the other programmer would put up and shut up.
ANONYMOUS COMPLAINTS TO HR:
A certain person in the programmer cave (IE A PROGRAMMER) recently hung up a Real Madrid poster in the office. This is causing a great deal of stress to other people in the office. We do not have any windows in this basement office, so posters have to be considered carefully. The others in the cave would appreciate it if this certain person would remove said poster
ANONYMOUS COMPLAINTS TO HR:
This certain programmer would kindly request for that giant fucking poster of Maradona to be taken down, in conjunction with the removal of this programmer's Real Madrid poster. I cannot work in hostile work environments, especially when I am face-to-face with a hefty, although mute, drug addict on a daily basis.
From: Iker C. <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]>
Subject: Abuse of the Anonymous Complaints System
Dear all,
It has been recently brought to my attention that the anonymous complaints system has been abused. I am not going to point fingers, but it is alleged that the programming and IT departments may have to remove posters to avoid offense, as a result of this abuse. Please only use the anonymous complaints system for truly important complaints.
Thank you,
Iker Casillas
Editor-in-Chief
The Classic Magazine.
M10: What's your problem with Joe versus the Volcano? I watched it on TV this weekend. And it was pretty good.
CR7: Because that was a bullshit ending. I mean, really, what the fuck is going on in that movie?
M10: I really don't understand how you believe You've Got Mail is the best romantic comedy.
CR7: Because it's about two people who don't understand their attraction, but figure it out just in time for there to be a happy ending. I've got an unwanted addiction to unhappy endings right now. So why do you like spy movies and stuff?
M10: Because it's exciting.
CR7: No more psychological insight than that? You can essentially extract my personal philosophy, as proscribed by my taste in movies.
M10: I don't know. Tell me. Diagnose me, CR7.
CR7: Are you hiding in plain sight? Are you a rogue operative? Maybe you're a safety nut and have a bunker beneath your house.
M10: I live in an apartment. My bunker would be in my neighbor's apartment if it was below mine. I don't think they'd appreciate that.
CR7: In your closet, then.
M10: Again, I live in an apartment. I'd get claustrophobic hiding and have a panic attack, waiting for terrorists or Soviets to attack.
CR7: Judging from your love of 24 (or enough of a love to list it as one of two favorite tv shows), you are a fascist.
M10: That's a bit rough.
CR7: It's my diagnosis, as per my clearly rigourous psychological training. Just so you know, I cannot date a fascist. I should have put it in my profile as a "turn of."
M10: So when do you want to meet up?
CR7: Not yet. Stuff at work has gotten really crazy lately.
M10: Oh really? That sucks. Are the IT grunts getting too big for their britches?
CR7: Britches? Really? Anyway, it's the other programmer in my office; he's driving me insane. He keeps trying to one-up me. We have to write code for an app we're developing for our company. I write a few lines before lunch. Then, when I get back from lunch, he's written half of the app. Like he's a weird coding robot. I'm just as good as him. I know I am. He's just a freak of nature.
M10: Don't mistake quantity for quality.
CR7: You know the game: he who does it quicker gets the job.
M10: That sounds vaguely sexual, but it feels wrong.
CR7: I'm sure that's how he feels too.
From: Xabi A. <[email protected]>
To: Steven Gerrard <[email protected]>
Subject: Just a warning.
We're sending a writer and an intern out to Fenway to discuss the acquisition of the New England Revolution. I believe, Raúl Albiol is the writer, but I do know Pérez wants this intern, Isco, out there. He's our new wiz kid.
Give my love to Pepe and Carra and everyone else,
Xabi.
From: Raúl A. <[email protected]>
To: Álvaro A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Fenway Sports Group
I have to go get an interview with some guys at the Fenway Sports Group and they're making me drag along Isco. You want to come with?
-Chori.
From: Classic Gossip <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]> (blocked users: <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]>
Subject: October 3 Newsletter
Hello minions, it's your bestie here. Today, we have a few tidbits of news.
Romance ahoy!: Writer, Raúl Albiol, invited Multimedia Director, Álvaro Arbeloa, on his trip to Boston for an interview with the directors of Fenway Sports Group. Will things get steamy on this trip? Who knows?
Cold War Alert: After getting caught abusing the anonymous alert system, both Leo Messi and Cris Aveiro have had their e-mail accounts placed on an alert list for HR. Both have been punished for this action by being forced to remove their posters from the programmer cave. Will this mean that the programmer cave will become the most hostile workplace environment in the country?
Munchausen Syndrome: Copy Chief, Sergio Busquets, has allegedly been warned about playing sick one too many times. He could get fired if caught again.
Things Get Steamy: Correspondent-with-Fenway-Sports-Group-turned-Editor, Xabi Alonso, was allegedly seen with ex-columnist Esteban Granero. Does that mean Xabi's days at The Classic (and his rumored affair with the head of the Fenway Sports Group, Steven Gerrard) are soon over?
I'll be back in a few days with more rumors!
xoxo.
From: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
To: Karim B. <[email protected]>
Subject: Classy Gossip
I pretty much knew this week's. What a ripoff. I'm still waiting for the big exposé about Iker and Sergio. Lunch @ 12:30?
From: Karim B. <[email protected]>
To: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Classic Gossip
I'm pretty sure that Sergio Ramos is Classic Gossip; he's not going to write about his own affair with his own boss. Can we go for lunch at 1? Xabi left me to babysit the interns, while he takes calls from FSG.
From: Álvaro A. <[email protected]>
To: Raúl A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Classic Gossip
I didn't tell anyone. I fucking swear!
From: Xavi H. <[email protected]>
To: Kaká <[email protected]>
Subject: Classic Gossip
Dear Kaká,
I was wondering who would have access to the personnel files in order to make the accusations towards the employees named in the Classic Gossip reports that are so popular with the staff. I am not accusing you, but we need to know who has access to these files in order to narrow down the suspects. Releasing information, such as the accusation towards Sergio Busquets, is irresponsible and reprehensible.
Thank you,
Xavi Hernández
Executive Editor
The Classic Magazine.
The Classic Magazine (@classicmag): The hottest rivalry of the year is this week! Who are you rooting for? Barça or Real Madrid? #elclasico
From: Sergio R. <[email protected]>
To: Gerard P. <[email protected]> ; Cesc F. <[email protected]>
Subject: #elclasico
You aren't trying at all. Not even a little.
M10: El Clásico is this weekend. You want to watch it together? I have one of those big flatscreens with a Bose set-up.
CR7: I do, but I have to pull a late shift. Once a year, we all have to work on a late project. This year, it falls on el Clásico. Of course.
M10: That sucks. My office does the same thing. I'm off this time. Last year, I was in until four in the morning, trying to finish the project.
CR7: I started working on the project already, during my lunch break.
M10: Clever. I bet you ten dollars that Barça wins.
CR7: Are you trying to force me to meet you? So that I can collect my winnings?
M10: Am I that transparent?
CR7: Ten dollars? You certainly live on the edge. Fifty or nothing.
M10: I could really use fifty bucks.
CR7: So we'll most definitely have to meet.
CR7: You know, I saw Sneakers the other day. I can see why you like it so much.
M10: I credit that movie with birthing my love of computers.
CR7: So are you a hacker then, too?
M10: I only use my computer skills for good.
CR7: That's good to know.
M10: I won't take that fifty bucks out of your bank account directly
CR7: That would require Real Madrid losing, first.
From: David Villa <davilla@themadrileno@com>
To: Gerard P. <[email protected]> ; Cesc F. <[email protected]>
Subject: Leo
Dear guys,
I sent Leo an e-mail a while ago and I haven't heard back from him. I really miss him and I wanted to him know? Is there something wrong with him? Like is he sick?
Thanks,
D.
From: Gerard P <[email protected]>
To: Cesc F. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Leo
Jesus. He needs to build a bridge and get over it. I'm proud of Leo for not responding. He lives on the other side of the country. Did Leo hit it off with that friend of Carlota's? I was too drunk to remember.
From: Cesc F. <[email protected]>
To: Gerard P. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Leo
Leo seemed happy enough, I think. I think David's just a little lonely. We can never tell Leo about this though.
M10: My friends tried to set me up over the weekend.
CR7: How'd it go?
M10: He was okay, but I think I would have preferred to be hanging out with you.
CR7: That's bold, considering we've never met each other. Was he a Kinnear?
M10: A Kinnear?
CR7: You know, the boyfriend that Meg Ryan always dates before breaking up with him to be with Tom Hanks, Hugh Jackman or Billy Crystal. Good looking, but not threateningly good looking. Always played by Greg Kinnear.
M10: I didn't realize that Tom Hanks and Billy Crystal were heartbreakers in the looks department.
CR7: That's not the point. The Kinnear is just somehow incompatible with our lady Meg in one inconsequential way. He might think too highly of himself or denigrates Meg's dreams to open a ketchup farm. Or whatever.
M10: My ex is a Kinnear. Well, at the time, I guess I thought he was Billy Crystal.
CR7: The Kinnear is present in all of our lives. Especially Meg Ryan's.
M10: I can tell you're not a Kinnear.
CR7: Another bold statement. You don't know how unthreateningly handsome I am and how much I want to crush your useless dreams.
M10: A Kinnear wouldn't go out of his way to watch Sneakers just for me.
CR7: How do you know I went out of my way?
M10: Because my TV automatically tunes to Sneakers whenever it's on TV. It hasn't been on TV in six months.
CR7: You caught me. (Just so you know, I'm devastatingly handsome.)
Classic Gossip Girl (@classygossip): BREAKING: Cristiano Aveiro's favorite TV couple is Jess and Nick from New Girl.
Cristiano Aveiro (@Cris7): @classygossip I am curious to know if anyone has a different opinion than that. Because they are the best TV couple ever. #noexaggeration
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Twitter
You are an idiot.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Twitter
I needed to defend Jess/Nick. They shouldn't be pulled into such crass gossip.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Twitter
You need a boyfriend. I hope M10 and you can finally meet in real life.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Twitter
I have to meet him sometime soon. I owe him $50.
CR7: Looks like I owe someone $50.
M10: When do you want to meet? I suppose we'll have to make this exchange soon.
CR7: I'm looking forward to it.
M10: Are you nicer or meaner in real life?
CR7: Probably meaner. I prefer to think of myself as brutally honest, but I feel like people say that's just mild cruelty. What about you? Meaner/Nicer?
M10: I'd like say nicer or meaner, but I think I might just be the same
CR7: That's not a problem at all. I like you the way you are.
From: Andrés I. <[email protected]>
To: Xavi H. <[email protected]>
Subject: Lawn Care
Dear Xavi,
I know this is probably what Iker would consider an abuse of the e-mail system, but I am having a problem with my fertilizer on my lawn. It's really dried out and fucked up looking. My dad is useless when it comes to this stuff.
Thanks,
Andrés
_
Andrés Iniesta, Photography Editor
The Classic Magazine.
[email protected]
From: Gareth B. <[email protected]>
To: Luka M. <[email protected]>
Subject: The Interns in the Programming Cave
I think Cris is grooming the wee little interns to hate Leo. He was telling them about the Great App Failure of 2012.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: The Great App Failure of 2012.
I see you are disassociating yourself from your own faults in that incident.
-L.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: My Failures
My failures are non-existant in comparison to yours in that incident. You're the one who wanted to appeal to the youth with a buggy reader platform. You're the one who thought it was appropriate to experiment with coding.
Cris
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: My Failures
You are the most arrogant and self-centered person I've had the misfortune of working with. If only we listened to your idea of making an Angry Birds game based around a soccer publication aimed at middle class adults. That would have gone over wonderfully, wouldn't it?
-L.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: You're Perfect
I forgot that you were a perfect programmer. That you've never fucked up your lines, while you were going fast enough to create the new app in a week. I have to go through it again and again to make sure you didn't fuck anything up.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: You're Perfect
We have a deadline to meet and you write code like a fucking old man.
CR7: I work with an asshole. It's my fault though, too.
M10: Everyone has days like that.
CR7: That's my everyday.
M10: Who cares what you do to that other asshole?
CR7: Yeah, who gives a shit about my rampant dickery?
M10: We all keep on improving. And we're all perfect in our flaws.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: M10 is Kaká.
I think I have concrete proof that Kaká is a certifiably insane person, but he is certifiably insane with love for me.
>M10: Who cares what you do to that other asshole?
>CR7: Yeah, who gives a shit about my rampant dickery?
>M10: We all keep on improving. And we're perfect in our flaws.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: M10 is Kaká.
Holy shit.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: I know!
BLANK MESSAGE
From: Iker C. <[email protected]>
To: Marcelo <[email protected]> ; Carles P. <[email protected]> ; Xabi A. <[email protected]> ; Víctor V. <[email protected]> ; Sergio B. <[email protected]> ; Sergio R. <[email protected]> ; Andrés I. <[email protected]> ; Sami K. <[email protected]> ; Kaká <[email protected]> ; Xavi H. <[email protected]>
Subject: Abuse of the Company LISTSERV
Do any of my editors care about the abuse of the company LISTSERV in the service of the psychotic Classic Gossip e-mails? I only heard about these e-mails during an argument that I heard between two writers who were speculating about the identity of the person who sends out the e-mails. Another issue I am having is that the HR records are also being used in a highly suspect manner? How the hell is the anonymous e-mail writer hearing about Busquets's sick time abuse?
Iker Casillas
Editor-in-Chief
The Classic Magazine.
From: Karim B. <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]> (blocked users: <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]>
Subject: Apologies
Dear everyone,
I would like to apologize on the behalves of Gonzalo Higuaín and myself on alerting the Editor-in-chief to the company delight that is Classy Gossip. We were very heated in a discussion of who is the anonymous person writing up the gossip and Iker overheard. Hopefully, this does not lead to a crackdown on the LISTSERV abuses so we can continue to hear about the sordid tales of what is happening in this office.
Regards,
Karim Benzema
Staff Writer, The Classic Magazine
From: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
To: Karim B. <[email protected]>
Subject: Nice touch
I appreciate that you apologize for me, too. I still think that it's either Kaká or one of the computer dorks, probably Cris. He totally seems bitchy enough to pull something like this. My brother got me tickets for the Crew game. Are you coming with? I'm getting an interview with the coach after the game. You can get a collab credit if you want.
From: Classy Gossip <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]> (blocked users: <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]>
Subject: October 15 News
Good day my lovely people! Today's memo is really short. I will say that I appreciate my defense from Karim Benzema that I got yesterday.
A Friday Night Out!: Last Friday, our diminuitive went out on the town with out PR guys, Gerard and Cesc! Sexy Cesc got busy with a pretty lady on the dance floor.
xoxo.
From: Karim B. <[email protected]>
To: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
Subject: Classy Gossip This Week
That was utterly useless. Well, it's someone who stalks Gerard, Leo, and Cesc. Maybe it's that short IT kid. Not that tall one with the big ears, who's obsessed with Cris.
From: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
To: Karim B. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Classy Gossip This Week
I think his name is Jordi. It makes sense. He can probably get into Kaká's e-mails.
From: Karim B. <[email protected]>
To: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Classy Gossip This Week
I could probably get into Kaká's e-mails. His password is probably "JesusSaves1"
From: Kaká <[email protected]>
To: Karim B. <[email protected]>
Subject: Ha, you were right!
BLANK MESSAGE
From: Neymar <[email protected]>
To: Jordi A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Help
I think I got a virus on my computer trying to open a letter from a reader. I'm using one of the writers' computers.
Thanks,
Neymar.
-
Neymar Santos
Readers Services
The Classic
<[email protected]>
M10: I watched Sleepless in Seattle. That's a weird romantic comedy. They don't even meet until the end.
CR7: But it's all magical and shit. Who wouldn't fall in love with Tom Hanks? Even if you've only heard his voice over the radio.
M10: You're revealing an odd fetish. I don't look anything like Tom Hanks, if that's okay.
CR7: It's not about looking like Tom Hanks. It's just being like Tom Hanks.
M10: You're weird, but I really like it.
CR7: I know you're like Tom Hanks, already.
M10: How do you know that?
CR7: It's a vibe. You give a Tom Hanks vibe.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: Sorry
I wanted to apologize about the intern thing and the Great App Failure of 2012. I feel really bad about it.
Cris.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Kaká <[email protected]>
Subject: Love at First Write
I just wanted to let you know how much I actually liked the website. I was really surprised and I really love it.
From: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
To: Karim B. <[email protected]>
Subject: BIG NEWS
I was still on Kaká's e-mail and holy shit. Cris from programming e-mailed Kaká, telling Kaká how much he liked some website called “Love at First Write.” And holy shit. It is an online dating site for complete losers. We have to keep this between me, you, and Kaká.
From: Karim B. <[email protected]>
To: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: BIG NEWS
As God as my witness, I will die before I reveal that information to anyone.
CR7: You want to meet this weekend?
M10: Definitely. Do you like to jog? Maybe we could go jogging together?
CR7: Sure. I'll meet you in the park.
M10: How will I know which person in the park you are?
CR7: I'll wear a white Real Madrid shirt.
iMessages:
Leo: I figured out who CR7 is. And I feel so fucking stupid.
Gerard: Well, who is it? Don't leave us hanging!
Leo: Cris.
Cesc: Cris what?
Leo: Criss the Programmer is CR7.
Gerard: Well, what about that?
Leo: What the fuck does that mean?
Gerard: I'm more surprised that Cris has a Tom Hanks fetish than anything else.
Cesc: How do you know Cris is CR7? Did you say something to you?
Leo: We arranged to meet at the park to go jogging together. You know, so it wouldn't be so formal. He was supposed to wear a Real Madrid shirt. And when I got to the park, Cris from programming was the only person wearing a Real Madrid shirt.
Cesc: Maybe CR7 stood you up and it was coincidental that Cris from programming was wearing a Real Madrid shirt.
Gerard: That's some fucking coincidence.
Cesc: Gerard!
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Fuck me.
I got stood up. I have never gotten stood up in my life.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: That's too bad man.
I really feel bad. He didn't even want his fifty bucks? Lunch at 1:45?
CR7: Where were you?
M10: I'm so sorry about that! I broke my leg.
CR7: You couldn't message me beforehand
M10: I was hit by a car on my way over to see you.
CR7: That's so An Affair to Remember.
iMessages
Cesc: What is wrong with you?
From: Kaká <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Love at First Write
Dear Cristiano,
I'm so glad you are enjoying the dating service. My cousin told me it really helped him find his new girlfriend.
Regards,
Kaká
-
Ricardo Leite, Human Resources
The Classic Magazine
From: Classy Gossip / <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]> (blocked users: <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]>
Subject: October 21 News
Hello lovers! Today's gossip is especially juicy.
Romance Ahoy!: A programmer has a profile with the notoriously lame dating website, Love at First Write. Which one? I'll never tell.
Kisses!
From: Karim B. <[email protected]>
To: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
Subject: Today's Classy Gossip
Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. I swear to God that I am not Classy Gossip.
PS The movies that I haven't seen but am willing to see are Battle of the Year and Prisoners.
From: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
To: Karim B. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Today's Classy Gossip
I know! What the fuck is happening in this office? You don't think Kaká's Classy Gossip, do you? That'd be too weird.
PS Prisoners. Did you think I'd seriously want to see Battle of the Year? Chris Brown break dancing? No thanks. I'm still very Team RiRi/Drake for life.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Classy Gossip
You and Kaká are the only ones in this office who know about Love at First Write bullshit.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Classy Gossip
Wasn't me. Deny, deny, deny. They'll just think it is Leo.
From: Dani A. <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]> (blocked users: <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]>)
Subject: Classy Gossip Bets
Who wants to take bets on whether it's Cris or Leo who is the subject of today's Classy Gossip letter?
D.
-
Daniel Alves
Staff Writer, the Classic
From: Carles P. <[email protected]>
To: <[email protected]> (blocked users: <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]>)
Subject: Re: Classy Gossip Bets
Does anyone do actual work in this office? Or is this just an insane conglomeration of nosy parkers?
From: Carles P. <[email protected]>
To: Dani A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Classy Gossip Bets
I'm putting ten on Leo.
iMessage:
Leo: It is the most awkward morning that I've ever had in my life. I could tell he's trying to avoid me, emotionally and physically
Gerard: You have something over his head for once. You were a Love at First Write user yesterday.
Leo: I feel really horrible because I know he is not the only one on that stupid website. But he probably thinks he is.
Gerard: Please, when Classy Gossip said that one of the PR guys slept with Iker, you didn't see me blushing.
Leo: Because that was so obviously Cesc that it was painful.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: David Villa <[email protected]>
Subject: Your last e-mail
Sorry that I didn't respond to your last e-mail sooner. I didn't know what to write. I just wanted to let you know that while I enjoyed our time together, I don't think it would be good for me to continue talking to you as though one day, we will re-enter a relationship. You live on the other side of the country. I might be lonely right now, but one day, I think I will be just fine.
Love,
Leo.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Classygossip
Dear Cris,
Just so you're not worried, I won't tell anyone that you are the one using Love at First Write. It will be our little secret.
-L.
From: Alex S. <[email protected]>
To: Karim B. <[email protected]>
Subject: Love at First Write
You and Pipita look like the kids who stole the cookie jar. It's Cris, isn't it? He is totally the type to use a dating website and then pretend that he met his new boyfriend at the gym or something.
-Alex.
From: Karim B. <[email protected]>
To: Alex S. <[email protected]>
Subject: I have no clue what you are talking about
No clue whatsoever. Please do not e-mail me unless you have some sort of insight into our writing process. I'm very focused on my process right now.
Karim Benzema.
Staff Writer, The Classic Magazine
From: Álvaro A. <[email protected]>
To: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
Subject: You know, don't you
Are you Classy Gossip? If so, I demand you tell me who is the programmer in question. I have twenty-five riding on Cris. He's the long-shot apparently.
AA
From: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
To: Álvaro A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: You know, don't you
ERROR: THIS IS A NON-EXISTENT MAILBOX. PLEASE REENTER THE ADDRESS TO SEND MESSAGE.
From: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
To: Karim B. <[email protected]>
Subject: This is tearing me apart
>ERROR: THIS IS A NON-EXISTENT MAILBOX. PLEASE REENTER
>THE ADDRESS TO SEND MESSAGE.
Do you see what this knowledge has done to me? I sent that to Álvaro because I don't know what to do. I cannot stay in this office. I heard that Naples Sporting News is hiring staff writers. I should have never logged into Kaká's account. I feel like we did this to this office.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cesc F. <[email protected]> ; Gerard P. <[email protected]>
Subject: Bad person
Does it make me a bad person if I e-mailed Cris about the dating service thing and told him that I wouldn't tell anyone that he used the dating service? It makes me feel like a bad person, although in the costume of a good person.
From: Cesc F. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Bad person
Yes.
From: Gerard P. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Bad person
No.
From: Dani Carvajal <[email protected]>
To: Isco <[email protected]>
Subject: Gossip Girl
This is the best office we could have possibly interned at. Who knew that grown men act like the characters in Gossip Girl. My friend is interning at Fenway Sport Group and he never said that there was a gossip newsletter for his office.
-Dani.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: The office betting pool
I made a big show of "accidentally" spamming the entire office with my bet that it was on Leo, if that helps.
From: Fábio C. <fcoentrao.com>
To: Dani A. <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]> (blocked users: <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]> ; <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Classy Gossip Bets
I'm putting fifteen dollars on Leo. I mean, really. Have you seen Cris? Cris is a very attractive man. His abs have abs. He doesn't need to go to an excessively Christian dating site to meet people.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Love at First Write
I feel so stupid and embarassed. Thanks, you're the best.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Gerard P. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Bad person
He just e-mailed me back and said that I was the best. On one level, I feel bad in that I could alleviate his embarassment pretty easily. On the other level, I feel really good that he called me the best.
From: Gerard P. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Bad person
I'm sorry. I'm reversing my previous judgement. You are a bad person.
From: Gareth B. <[email protected]>
To: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
Subject: Faulty E-mail Address?
Dear Gonzalo,
The multimedia producer, Álvaro Arbeloa, just told me that he believes your e-mail address is faulty or redirecting in an odd manner. I may have to reset your account or assign you a new one. If your e-mail address is working correctly and you receive this e-mail, please respond.
Thank you,
Gareth Bale, IT
The Classic Magazine
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Bright side
Look on the bright side. Real Madrid will probably win against Levante this weekend.
The Classic Magazine (@classicmag): Let's talk about that time Steve Lenhart started twerking after scoring a goal. #sanjosetwerkquakes
From: Sergio R. <[email protected]>
To: Gerard P. <[email protected]> ; Cesc F. <[email protected]>
Subject: #sanjosetwerkquakes
Now I'm afraid one of you has a brain tumor.
PS I put fifteen on Leo. What're your insights into the situation?
From: Sami K. <[email protected]>
To: [email protected]>
Subject: What are you people doing?
Because you certainly aren't working. I didn't get a single article this morning.
From: Gareth B. <[email protected]>
To: Luka M. <[email protected]>
Subject: This office is insane
You should have told me earlier. Anyway, when I went to throw out some packaging, I ran into two writers in the alley. They were flipping their lids for no reason.
PS Jordi asked me to ask you if you know if Fábio's married. Did you see that really homoerotic e-mail he spammed us with?
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Love at First Write
So I've been thinking about using a dating website. What do you think about Love at First Write?
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Love at First Write
It's okay. It's kind of lame at first, but then you kind of grow to like it. I think someone else in this office has a profile on it.
iMessages:
Leo: I'm officially the worst. And he pretty much told me that he knows I'm M10.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Lunch
Sorry I missed lunch with you. I got lunch with Leo instead. It was actually pretty fun and not mental torture, as I would have previously assumed. We mostly talked about soccer and movies. Did you know that he broke up with that reporter who used to work for us? Had a soulpatch?
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Lunch
Oh totally. I didn't miss you at all. I ate with Pepe and Marcelo. We prank called all of our suspects for Classy Gossip. I swear to God, Pipita put on a robot voice and said that we called the wrong number. New #1 suspect: Gonzalo Higuaín.
PS If you talk to Kaká, maybe he can put a cease and desist on Classy Gossip. And you can figure out if he's M10 or not.
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Gerard P. <[email protected]> ; Cesc F. <[email protected]>
Subject: The worst kind of James Bond
I feel like a huge dick. I got lunch with Cris and he was just like CR7, but in real life, too. This is kind of like the end of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy; where everyone loses their minds and start killing each other or breaking up with their boyfriends.
From: Gerard P. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: The worst kind of James Bond
I can't help, but feel like that is an overly literal reading of the ending of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. But I would also like to reiterate that you are a huge dick. Just tell him that you're M10 already.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Kaká <[email protected]>
Subject: Appointment with HR
Dear Kaká,
Can I make an appointment to speak to you as my HR rep? I feel as though I need to talk to someone about some important aspects of my work life.
Thank you,
Cristiano Aveiro, Programmer
The Classic.
M10: I wanted to tell you that I finally watched You've Got Mail. I don't understand why Meg Ryan just accepted that Tom Hanks was NY152. Tom got her store shut down, humiliated her in the coffee shop and was a general dick to her, even after he found out she was ShopGirl.
CR7: Tom admitted that he deserved Meg's zing in the coffee shop.
M10: He still drove her out of business.
CR7: But she loved him.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Kaká's not M10
I feel dumber than I've ever felt in my entire life. And that includes this morning when the gossip memo pretty much told everyone in the office that i am using the World's lamest dating website.
It turns out that Kaká is married. Like super fucking married. Kids and everything. He has a wife. I want to curl up and live inside of a sleeping bag for the rest of my life. Do you think it's possible to ask if I could work from home for the rest of my life? I could get really fat and fuse with my sofa and never have to see anyone forever. I'll communicate with you via e-mail, of course.
I currently work in a dungeon, so it's not like I'm unacquainted with working in cruel and unusal conditions.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Kaká's not M10
I already called the babysitter. Andreia, me, and you are going out tonight. I don't care if it's a Tuesday. You're not going to live in a sleeping bag.
From: Gerard P. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]> ; Cesc F. <[email protected]>
Subject: The worst day of work ever
I need to go out tonight. I really don't know how you act as our collective moral compass every day, Cesc. I'm exhausted.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cesc F. <[email protected]> ; Leo M. <[email protected]> ; Gerard P. <[email protected]>
Subject: Thanks
Thanks for taking care of Cris after I left. It turns out that my daughter only had indigestion, but it turns out when you leave your daughter with teenagers, they get worried over the stupidest things.
From: Jordi A. <[email protected]>
To: Neymar S. <[email protected]>
Subject: Funny news
Leo is wearing the same clothes as yesterday. Someone's a dirty stayout, huh?
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Last night
So what happened after I left?
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Last night
I think it's presumptuous of you to think anything happened after you left.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Last night
You have a hicky on the back of your neck the size of a golf ball. If nothing happened with another human being, I'd hate to know your vacuum. Cesc, Leo, or Gerard? Or a random?
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Leo
BLANK MESSAGE
From: Gonzalo H. <[email protected]>
To: Karim B. <[email protected]>
Subject: We cannot do anything anymore
Are we cursed? Why must we accidentally discover all of the future gossip that surrounds our workplace colleagues? We shouldn't go out ever again. It was a mistake to think "Oh yeah, it's totally a good idea to go to the bars after watching one of the bleakest movies I've ever seen. We'll never see two of our co-workers, who professed to hate each other, macking on each." I can't believe I'm saying this, but we should have seen Battle of the Year.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Leo
Aww...how cute. The two computer dorks sitting in a tree. What do you guys talk about on the way to work? What does this mean for the mysterious M10? Are you going to try jogging again after he heals from getting run over by a car?
From: Leo M. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Still not a spy movie. I'm pretty sure they explicitly call themselves assassins in that movie.
CR7: I think my life is becoming very When Harry Met Sally, with a dash of You've Got Mail.
From: Gerard P. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: You little minx
Congrats on the sex, but I am morally obligated to say that you are still wrong in this situation. Cris might have wanted to bone you, even if he knew that you were M10, but I can't help but feel that this is slightly emotionally manipulative. Scratch that, highly emotionally manipulative. I feel like I'm going all Cesc on you and being responsible, but this seems wrong.
From: Cesc F. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: What the fuck is wrong with you
What. The. Fuck. Is. Wrong. With. You. I turn around for one minute and you go take advantage of the emotionally vulnerable. I mean, really. If you don't tell him today, I will.
From: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
To: Cris A. <[email protected]>
Subject: Lunch?
Are you going to get lunch with your computer dorkling? Or do you want to come with me, Pepe, and Marcelo? We're getting a beer lunch.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Lunch?
Leo, Jordi, Bale, and I are ordering in. I can't smell alcohol for another two weeks. I feel queasy just thinking about ordering a beer lunch.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: El Clásico
We've got the Clásico in the Copa del Rey next week. Do you want to watch it together?
iMessage:
Leo: Can you two page the IT grunts?
Gerard: Both of them?
Cesc: I'm on lunch. I'll get Neymar to page one of them.
Gerard: I'll get the other one then.
From: Florentino P. <[email protected]>
To: Xavi H. <[email protected]> ; Iker C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Workplace Productivity
Dear Xavi and Iker,
I am pleased to be discussing the successes of your workplace productivity programs. I don't know what you guys do, but whatever it is, it's brilliant. It's almost like people want to come to work. Kaká sent me the productivity reports. Keep it up.
Regards,
Florentino Pérez
Co-Managing Partner
The Classic Magazine
From: Iker C. <[email protected]>
To: Xavi H. <[email protected]>
Subject: Workplace Productivity Program Month of October
X-
Sergio and el Chori go to the same gym and apparently Chori lives up to his nickname. Do you think that's an appropriate tidbit for the next program e-mail next week?
Iker.
From: Sergio R. <[email protected]>
To: Iker C. <[email protected]>
Subject: Looking Good, Boss
;-)
From: Iker C. <[email protected]>
To: Sergio R. <[email protected]>
Subject: Re: Looking Good, Boss
What did I tell you about the corporate e-mail policies?
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Fábio C. <[email protected]>
Subject: M10
Leo is M10. He just told me.
From: Cris A. <[email protected]>
To: Leo M. <[email protected]>
Subject: M10
I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.