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Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Like the pendulum of a really old grandfather’s clock, Emma rocked on the rickety second hand rocking chair, fingers brushing the handles in small circular movement. Grounding her, making her heart a little less heavy, a little less painful. She blinked, and everything that faded, rushed back with a staggering force.
“-brilliant idea... Swan? Are you listening, love?” Killian turned away from their daughter’s crib, gently swaying the two-week old to settle her. When Emma did nothing more than look up at him blankly, he let out a soft sigh, placing Adeline in her crib, brushing his finger against the baby’s cheek, earning a gummy smile even as she slept. His heart squeezed pitifully, in awe of his little girl – she owned him body, mind and soul, from the moment he knew of her existence, from the moment she took her first breath.
His love for his daughter was rivalled only by his love for the mother of his child, his True Love. His true love who had definitely seen better days. He closed his eyes, ready to weather yet another battle with his Swan girl and her walls. Turning back, he walked over and knelt next to the chair Emma occupied, his hand covering hers on the handle, pulling her back from her thoughts yet again. She started, her shoulders tensing for a moment before she relaxed, her hand turning under his and squeezing.
“Hello, darling,” he whispered, a sweet, soft smile on his face, his eyes taking in her weary appearance. All he wanted was to gather her in his arms and soothe whatever ache there is in her heart that is causing that sorrowful look in her eyes. He has never seen her so miserable, especially when there was no reason for her to be so. A time that was supposed to be joyful, where they just stay in the bubble of being a new family, was darkened by the demons that plagued his wife.
“Hey,” she whispered, her voice hoarse and low. She swallowed thickly, her eyes wet with unshed tears as her grip on Killian’s hand tightened.
“Talk to me, Emma. What’s wrong?” he begged, his voice taking an anxious edge. “You’ve been so distant. Did I do something wrong?”
Emma shook her head furiously; her brows furrowed in agitation, because she cannot even fathom how he could think that. He was perfect, taking to fatherhood with such grace and ease, she couldn’t help but feel like she wasn’t even needed. “Of course not,” she insisted. “You’re wonderful.”
“Then what is it?”
“I-I don’t know,” she confessed, her voice breaking. “I don’t know,” she repeated, her eyes filling with tears and her hand trembled in his grasp.
“Emma,” Killian began, trying to settle her, but she pulled away, curling away from him and out of the chair, like she couldn’t leave the room fast enough.
“I-uh, I need to get a load of laundry in. Ad- She’s finally sleeping, and we should- I should get it done, now,” she trailed off, her eyes a little wild, her body on edge.
“I can help you,” he offered, standing up, but she stopped him, her hand on his chest.
“You were up all night with the baby. You should get some rest,” she smiled tightly. She hesitated for a moment, before rushing forward and into his arms. He hugged her closer, his worry increasing ten-fold, especially when he felt her shudder in that telltale manner of hers when she’s trying to rein in her emotions. “You’re an amazing father. She loves you so much already, Killian,” she asserted.
“She loves you, too. You’re her mum, Swan,” he implored, pulling back and cupping her chin, making her meet his eyes. “Hey,” he wiped under her eyes, catching a stray drop of tear, “She’s perfect in every way, just like you.”
Emma bit her lip to stop it from trembling. “Maybe,” she shrugged noncommittally, and her mood dropped in the blink of an eye as she turned away from him and left the room. Killian sighed, running his hands through his hair, head tilted to face his slumbering daughter.
“Your mum just needs time, little bean,” he whispered, biting back his own sorrow.
-/-
Emma groaned softly, not wanting wake her husband up just because she couldn’t sleep. In fact, she hasn’t been able to sleep ever since they brought Adeline home. She couldn’t close her eyes without feeling like her heart was going to pound right out of her chest, the reality of motherhood hitting her hard. Every time she holds her daughter in her arms, the thought that she can’t do this, do this whole being a mom thing runs through her mind, not letting her enjoy the feeling.
She should be marvelling at the life she brought forth, she should be happy and be there for her daughter. She should find that joy in the little moments, cherish each and every second with that little girl, who is every bit her as she is Killian. But she can’t. All she feels is an iron fist clutching her heart, and a lead weight in her gut – feels like she’s being ripped apart from inside, not being able to comfort her child, or even connect with her. Everything she feels, it’s all wrong.
Emma sucks in a shuddering breath, gently lifting Killian’s arm from around her and slipping off the bed. She padded across the hall, shuffling her feet before slowly inching the door to Adeline’s door open. Trying to be as quiet as she could possibly be, she peered over the edge of her daughter’s crib. Murky baby blues met hers, surprising her.
She didn’t expect Adeline to be awake, especially considering how quiet she was being. But the moment she sensed Emma, she started making grabbing motions, reaching for her mother as she made slight whimpering sounds. Emma was frozen for a second, not knowing what to do. She’d never been alone with the baby, the thought hit her like a freight train. Two-weeks after giving birth, and this was the first time she was alone with her daughter, and she was... lost.
She had no idea what to do because Killian always took care of her, after seeing how she couldn’t. How she couldn’t be a functioning mom to her own baby, because that’s who she was - a royal screw up, even after having the most patient, supportive and understanding husband, and the most beautiful and perfect baby. She felt the tears drip down her face, her hands shaking before she clenched them into fists.
By now Adeline’s whimpering grew louder, her tiny face screwing up and growing red in distress. Unable to hold back any longer, Emma reached into the crib, gently running a hand over the baby’s head, the other hand unclenching her tiny fist so she could hold Emma’s finger. “Mama’s hear, baby. Shh,” she tried to soothe, her heart racing with unidentifiable emotion when Adeline turned into her palm upon contact. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered to her baby,. “I’m sorry I failed you, baby.”
“Swan?”
She turned her head, taking in Killian’s sleep ruffled state, his eyes a startled blue. “What’s wrong?” he rushed over, panicked at seeing her tears, peering into the crib only to be met with a cooing baby.
Seeing that there was nothing seriously wrong with Adeline, except it being her feeding time, he sighed in relief. Turning his attention to Emma, he reached up and wiped her tears away. “You’ve got her, love. She just needed her mum, see?” he reassured.
Emma didn’t say anything, simply resting her forehead against his shoulder, taking deep breaths. “Killian...”
“It’s just time to feed her. That’s why the little miss’s awake,” he grinned down adoringly at Adeline, who kicked out her legs when she heard her father. Chancing a glance at Emma, he added, “You want to do it this time?” even as he gently coaxed her into the rocking chair, his hand and prosthetic on her hips.
“But I’ve never – she never took to my breast, at the hospital. You always use the bottle,” Emma protested, even as she let him lead her.
“We’ll give it another go, Swan. Just one more?” he looked at her with that piercing gaze of his, his smile soft and encouraging.
She swallowed back her automatic ‘no’, nodding, wordlessly unbuttoning her pyjama top. He took the affirmation, picking up Adeline from her crib, nuzzling her a little. “Hello, little bean. A hungry little monster, aren’t you?” he cooed. “Let’s get you to Mama, aye?” he smiled adoringly at the baby, before looking at Emma, grinning at her dumbstruck look. He placed the baby in her waiting arms, patiently helping her adjust her hold.
Emma watched in awe as her daughter rooted around for a moment before latching on to her, sucking eagerly. She gasped, something unclenching in her chest. She looked up at Killian, speechless and with a wonderstruck look on her face. His grin widened, a light sheen of tears in his eyes. “Told you she needed her mum,” he murmured. In all honesty, seeing his wife and child together, in a manner that was sorely missing in the past two weeks, made him want to freeze the moment forever. He knew that Emma struggled with her feelings from the moment Adeline was born, going back behind her iron clad walls and taking refugee there. He’s read about this, the hormones post-birth, how they affect the mothers sometimes. But seeing it in his own wife, feeling helpless to do anything about it, and not knowing if he should confront her – it’s always been hard for him to watch his Swan in pain.
“You’re so good with her,” her soft words brought him out of his thoughts, her eyes trained on the suckling baby. “She’s so lucky to have you. Especially with me being so-” she cut herself off, revelling in the warmth coming off of the baby.
“She makes it easy.” After a few minutes of silence, he began tentatively, “I’ve been speaking with your mother. About- about the baby and...you,” he said the last part so softly, she barely heard him. But she did, and she snapped her head up to stare at him in disbelief.
“You went to my mom?” she whispered back, her expression instantly darkened.
“I was worried, love. And you weren’t talking,” he retorted. “We were thinking maybe it’s- it’s postpar-”
But Emma cut him off, “Don’t even think of completing that sentence, Jones,” she hissed, lightly jostling the baby. “Are you trying to tell me I’m a bad mom? Is that it?”
“Swan, calm down. You’re going to scare her.”
She bristled at that. “I get it, Killian. You’re with her, all the time. You feed her, and bathe her and change her. You take care of her, while I just sit in this fucking chair every day, not being able to help you. I’m just-” she was crying by now, making Adeline pull away and start whimpering again, feeling her mother’s agitation.
“Emma,” his voice came out sterner that he’d intended. “Stop it. That’s not what I meant.”
Emma shook her head, her heart beating faster as her daughter’s whimpers turned into cries. She felt the emotion build up, her throat constricting painfully around the lump in her throat, and her eyes burning. She had no idea what to do, to try and soothe her baby. She held Adeline out to Killian, the shame and pain filling her at her own incompetence at taking care of her child.
“She doesn’t need me. I-I don’t know what to do, I just... I can’t,” she started crying now, too, as Adeline’s cries grew louder. “I don’t want to hurt her. Please take her, Killian.”
He acquiesced and easily shifted their daughter into his arms, bouncing her lightly, his voice soft and soothing, even as he saw how wrecked his wife was. She buttoned up her shirt, easing back in the chair and pulled her knees up to her chest, burying her face between them. He hummed an old sea shanty under his breath, knowing it would put his little bean right to sleep, and hoping it would give Emma some comfort. He was at cross-roads, wanting to care for his child, and be there for his wife, all at once.
After settling the baby and putting her back in her crib, he turned back to Emma. “Swan, can we talk about this?” he implored, once again kneeling next to her. “Please, darling. I love you, and I cannot bear to see you go through this. Talk to me.”
“I can’t be a mom. I can’t do it. I can’t even take care of her when she cries. I- ” she was breathing hard now, her voice muffled by her knees.
“Hey, hey. None of that now, love,” he pulled her down from the chair. He leaned against the wall, pulling her closer until she was practically perched on his lap. “You’re just going through something difficult. Something only you can fight. And my lady is a fighter, mind,” he added, lightly, running his hand down her hair.
“Maybe you’re right,” she said after a long moments, her head leaning against his shoulder. “Maybe it is postpartum.”
“Then we will deal with it, together. We’ve always been a team,” he whispered, his breath warm against her ear as he rocked her, both of them drifting off to sleep.
-/-
Killian woke to a crick in her neck and the wailing of a baby. Not just a baby...his baby. His eyes snapped open, noticing his position on the floor, before Adeline let out yet another pitiful cry, prompting him to attend to her. He picked her up, clutching her close as he whispered soft words to her. But for the first time, it didn’t seem to work, her cries only getting worse.
Even after he changed her, she kept crying, her face awfully red and worrying him. The past two weeks, all she needed was a cuddle and few soft words, and she’d settle down her. Worrying that it might be something more, he called out to his wife.
“Shh, sweetheart. Papa’s here. Papa’s got you,” he soothed. “Emma!” he called again, his voice growing high pitched and frustrated. He carried her out of the room, and into the one he shared with Emma, hoping to find her there. But it was empty, and dread started building in his stomach even as he forced it away, not wanting to jump to any conclusions without checking everywhere.
So he went down to the kitchen, the living room. Even down to the basement (which was no longer a dungeon). But there was no sign of Emma, and Adeline had cried herself hoarse, softly whimpering against his chest.
“It’s alright, bean. It’s alright,” he said, not knowing if he was reassuring her or himself. He heated up a bottle, testing it against his wrist before giving it to the baby. But she just pulled away, starting to cry again. “Love, you have to eat,” he coaxed softly. “Come on, Addie. For papa.”
He tried everything, but she refused to eat, squirming so hard in his arms, he was afraid he’d drop her. Now beyond worried, both about Adeline and Emma, he called the only person he could. “David? I need your help, mate.”
-/-
“So, Emma’s just gone? Did you try calling her?” David asked, watching as the new father paced furiously in front of his, bouncing his daughter in his arms.
“No, I didn’t. Addie wasn’t settling down, and I-I didn’t know who else to call.”
“Hey. It’s alright, Jones. The last time we spoke, you told me you’d talk to her about her postpartum. Did you?”
“Aye, last night. She seemed a little better yesterday, after we spoke. But I woke up today morning to find her gone. I don’t know what to do, Dave.” Killian looked like he was ready to breakdown himself.
David couldn’t help but feel for his son-in-law. “Listen, why don’t you let me take Addie, so she could spend some time with her grandpa,” he started, grinning charmingly at the bundle in Killian’s arms. “And you go and find your wife. She needs you more right now. I’ll be right here,” he promised.
Killian hesitated, holding the baby a little closer, not wishing to be separated from her. He’s spent every moment with her, and to suddenly have to leave left a bad taste in his mouth. “Are you sure, mate?”
“Absolutely,” David replied, taking granddaughter from Killian’s arms before the pirate could protest. “Hello there, my little princess. Grandpa is here,” he cooed. Looking up at Killian’s reluctant face, he nodded towards the door, with an encouraging “Go.”
Killian nodded, kissing his daughter on the forehead and rushed out the door, pulling on his jacket in a hurry. He ran a hand down his face, feeling all his 300 years for a moment. Just as he contemplated heading down to the docks in search of Emma, his phone rang, Emma’s name flashing.
“Swan? Swan, where are you?!” he demanded, his heartache and anger clear in his voice.
For a moment, all he heard was sniffling, and he desperately hoped that she wouldn’t hang up. “Can you come get me?” she bit out in a sob. “I need you.”
He swallowed thickly, the pain in her voice cutting him to his soul and all his previous frustration slipping away, leaving a burning need to find her and make sure she was alright. “Of course, love. Where are you? I’ll be there in a tick.”
-/-
He ran a hand down the railing of the Jolly, something in him soaring with the thought that even thought she ran, Emma ran towards something that’s very much his and not away. It gave him hope that they could make it through this, that she could – his fierce, bloody frustrating, Swan girl.
“Emma?” he called out, climbing down the hatch, spying a lump under the quilt on his bunk, a mess of golden curls peeking out.
“I’m here,” she called, pulling the quilt lower.
He sighed, shuffling over to her, sitting at her side. “Hello, beautiful. You had me at my wit’s end,” he said, letting a bit of his hurt show. “You’re a mum now, Swan. You can’t just up and leave,” he added the last part, pressing a kiss to her temple to soften the blow.
She sat up, her remorse clear on her face. She pulled him closer to her, hugging herself closer to him. “I know. I’m sorry.”
“What happened, Emma?”
“I don’t know.”
“You need to give me something more than that, Swan,” he gritted out, feeling bad as soon as she tensed in his arms.
But she simply sighed, nodding in acceptance. “It’s all I have. I can’t explain it - I just feel so numb sometimes. I know that Addie is mine, I love her with all that I have, but I just – I can’t show it. I don’t know why, but I can’t. I just know that I don’t want to ruin her with my bad parenting. She’s so small, and perfect and ours. She’s a whole new person that I would be there for from the start, and that scares me so much, because I don’t know what to do.
“It was only after I’d given birth to her, when I held her for the first time, did I realise that my fake memories with Henry was just that – fake. Any experience I thought I had, it was just something that was made up. I just, I couldn’t ruin her.” She clenched her jaw, not wanting to cry before she finished. “I can’t do this, Killian. I can’t be the mom she deserves,” she confessed, the words feeling like acid in her mouth.
“Emma, you listen to me when I say that. You are a brilliant mum. You’re scared, and it is completely alright. I am too, terrified actually. You think it was easy, seeing myself as anything but a villain? To look at our daughter, and think of myself as worthy of her? But one look into her beautiful eyes, and I know that no matter what I did in the past, it all led to this moment, this time, with her. And I’ll be damned if I let it stop me.
Like you said, she’s ours. She’s part pirate-part saviour. She is bloody brilliant and she got that all from her mum. You just need to let yourself see just how great of a mum you already are. What you’re going through, it’s tough. I can only imagine how tough. But you need to come through, not for me, not even for Addie. But for you. The feeling when you hold your child, or just feeling her heartbeat against yours? That’s the most incredible thing in the world. And I cannot wait for you to feel the same thing. I just need you to believe in yourself.”
Emma nodded, her throat too thick for words. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled out. “I’m so sorry that I left you alone.”
“You didn’t leave me alone, you were there. Even when you weren’t able to show it, you were there in that bloody chair, looking out for her,” he assured her, pulling back and off the bunk. “Let’s get back to our daughter, yeah?”
Emma swallowed, nodding slightly, taking his proffered hand. “You’ll help me?”
“Always.”