Chapter Text
Under the watchful moon, Buttons stands naked, arms spread wide. An inky black shadow slinks up beside him, “Good of Mr. Hands to ensure sure you could make it, Caterina.”
Cat blinks, curling her tail around her feet, her eyes full of moon glow.
She makes a soft chirp at Buttons.
“Ye’re what?” Buttons spins on Cat, shattering the silence. Her ears and tail twitch with annoyance.
“Oh, I know, I know what being pregnant is. I ain’t daft, Caterina.'' Buttons shakes his head, turning back to face the full moon, “So ye’re saying two full moons hence we’ll be having wee kits? Aye, I best inform the captains... After the moon bathing, a’course.”
Cat stretches out beneath the clear sky, rolling onto her back and exposing her entire torso to the moon’s pale light.
After a few hours of silent bathing, Buttons nods at both Cat and Olivia, “Time to break the news to the Captains.” Still nude, Buttons struts off to find them.
A knock wakes Stede from a deep, dreamless sleep.
“Yes?” Stede groans, eyes still closed, his body languid and warm beneath the sheets.
Beside him, Ed snuffles in his sleep, rolling over and throwing an arm across Stede’s chest.
The door creaks open, “Captain, I have some delicate news regarding a member of the crew.”
Stede doesn’t move, “Ah, can it wait until morning?”
“It’s nothing of great import, Captain. Be needing to inform you that Cat is pregnant.”
Stede hums, “Mmm. Very good, Mr. Buttons. Thank you.”
“Night, Captains.”
The door shuts and almost an instant later Stede jolts awake, throwing off the sheets— and Ed’s arm—to run after Buttons in only his silk nightgown.
“Pregnant?” He screeches, and his shrill cry rings out like a call to arms, waking the entire crew.
Still dressed in a knee-length lace white nightgown, Stede frantically gathers the bleary-eyed crew from their slumber. Wrapped in blankets and leaning against each other, the crew watches Stede with growing impatience. Ed sits to the side, draped only in a red robe. He makes himself comfortable, enjoying his unobscured view of Stede’s legs, for once happy to be on the sidelines.
Black Pete, as always, asks the first question, “Does this mean we’re each getting a kitten?”
Lucius lunges over to whisper loudly in Pete’s ear, “Oh my god, babe, she hasn’t even had her babies yet. Don’t talk about taking them away before she’s even had them.”
“I’m just asking the question that’s on everyone’s mind! We’re obviously gonna have kittens on board, it only seems fair to call dibs now.”
“Pete.” Lucius hisses.
“No, Lucius, Pete’s got a fair point, given the circumstances. Cat is an adored member of our crew and her kittens will be equally so.” Stede breathes deeply, steepling his fingers against his lips, “Buttons, you have a fair amount of knowledge of animal husbandry. Can you give us an ETA until the arrival of our newest crew members?”
“Aye, Captain.”
Stede leans in, rocking on his toes.
Buttons’s eyes drift up into the rafters. He nods, not once taking his eyes off the wooden beams, “Two months from now. On the full moon. Seven kittens.”
“Seven! That’s enough for everyone!” Black Pete grins.
“Babe, your math is a bit off there. There are twelve of us.”
“Well, I mean you, me, and Fang get one. Jim and Oluwande get one. Frenchie and Wee John share a room too. The Captains. Swede and Buttons and Roach. That’s seven right?”
“Yeah, but babe, you forgot Izzy.”
Frenchie wrinkles his nose, “Nah, he’s got the OC, Original Cat.”
Izzy, who has otherwise remained quiet during all of this so-called meeting, shrugs, “Fair.”
Cat sits on his shoulder, her head pressed up against his cheek. To Cat, this is all exceedingly fair. There is still the case of Izzy’s far too frequent nightmares and growing dependence on her during his most vulnerable moments, but that’s something she’ll deal with after the kittens are born.
Buttons doesn’t move, but his gaze lasers in on Izzy, sharp as a knife, “Cat finds that favorable, anyways. Means she can dedicate her time to where she’s needed.”
Izzy glares, knives for knives, scarlet cheeks blazing, “Cat goes where she fucking wants to go. Not under my control.” The hand in her fur becomes proprietary as if threading her into his grasp. Cat kneads his thigh with her sharp claws and Izzy relaxes.
It’s a stunning transformation that the crew is accustomed to after weeks of watching Cat work her magic.
“Are we going to have a baby shower?” The Swede asks with a large toothy grin, hands clasped tight in front of him as if keeping himself from flying apart.
“Aren’t babies, are they?” Ed says, “They’re kittens. Would be a kitten shower.”
Stede chuckles, “I don’t see why not! In fact, that sounds like a delightful idea! We could set up a little party before the kittens arrive. Roach can prepare the food and we could all pick out presents!” Stede starts to pace in his excitement.
Ed sucks through his teeth and cocks his head to the side, “Why would you have the party before the kittens are here? Wouldn't you do it after? When they’re actually here?”
“Oh, well, I — I think it’s just how it’s done.” Stede offers.
“Doesn’t make sense, mate. They wouldn’t even be able to use the gifts.”
The Swede nods, “Makes more sense to wait.”
A murmur of agreement makes its way through the sleepy crew.
Stede sighs, but there’s a smile on his face, softening his exasperation, “I can see when I am clearly outnumbered. To be fair, it never did make much sense to me to give the gifts beforehand. Alright, then crew! Meeting adjourned. You may all go back to your duties.”
“We were asleep,” Jim glares.
“Then off to bed, all of you!” Stede tuts, his nightgown creeping high above his knees as he waves them off. Ed watches the rise and fall of the fabric over Stede’s legs with growing interest.
With his back turned and his attention diverted, Ed sneaks up behind Stede. Ed’s arms wrap tight as tentacles around Stede’s middle, squeezing into his curves.
Stede squeaks as Ed’s breath tickles his ear, “How’s about we go back to bed, too?”
The deep rumble of Ed’s voice vibrates in Stede’s blood, a melody his body is helpless to respond to. Stede gulps and offers an eager nod that shakes his whole body, “I quite like the sound of that.”
Their feet travel the familiar course back to their cabin, while their hands are keen for exploration. Each touch and stroke is an eager search for a new discovery that leaves them breathless.
They pass Jim and Oluwande, barely keeping their composure. Stede pauses, for a brief moment, “Jim! Oluwande! How are the new quarters?“
Oluwande pauses, “Eh, still smells a bit of oil and gunpowder, but it’s nice to have a room to ourselves again. Thanks again for being so accommodating, Captain…s.”
Oluwande tugs on his beanie, “Enjoy the rest of your night.”
Jim gives a close-mouthed smile, tips their hat, and shuts the door in their faces.
“Still feel kinda bad about that one,” Ed says through a sigh that douses all his desires with icy guilt. Stede turns to cup Ed’s cheek, “We’ll talk it through, love.”
“As a crew,” Comes from behind the door and from both captain’s mouths.
Stede grimaces, “Ah, yes, we’ll talk in the morning. Night, all!”
On the other side, Oluwande slumps back on the door and nods his head, “Think they’re gone.”
“Thank goodness. I don’t think I could stand another talk-it-through session with the captains,” On the last word, Jim pulls out their dagger and stabs it into the hull.
Oluwande pulls off his shoes, “S’not all that bad. It’s important to the captains and it doesn’t hurt to talk about what happened. Probably helpful, to be honest.”
“I just want to move on,” Jim punctuates this by throwing another dagger into the hull, “And get things back to normal.” Three more daggers follow in quick succession to hammer Jim’s statement.
“Uh-huh. Totally. Glad we’re on the same side.” Oluwande says, eyes darting back and forth between the dagger in their hand and the bed.
Jim throws their last dagger and starts pulling off their boots, “What’s that supposed to mean?
“You are weirdly, emotionally constipated, Jim.”
Jim sits down, pulling off their hat and setting it aside, “I’m not emotionally constipated. I just like to keep my private and work life separate.”
Oluwande shakes his head, “Keep telling yourself that, mi naranja . S’not like our private and work lives are literally the same thing.”
“Shove off. Let’s just talk about this in the morning,” Jim says, scooting up across the bed, lying flush against the hull to make room for both of them.
“I’m holding you to that, Jim.” Oluwande moves their boots to the corner and asks, “So, what do you think we should get the kittens?”
Jim’s head thuds against the hull, “I don’t know what the fuck a kitten would want.”
Oluwande chuckles, “Neither do I!”
“We can talk about it more tomorrow. Let’s just go to sleep, okay?”
Oluwande lies down, making himself comfortable beside Jim.
They slip an arm over the swell of his stomach, curling into his warmth before whispering in his ear, “Whatever we get, let's make sure it’s teal, okay?”
Oluwande laughs, shaking the both of them, “Of course.”
A few seconds later, Oluwande says, “How about yarn?”
“ Cállate, mi amor .” Jim hisses. “Yarn sounds perfect. A ball. Now quiet.” Jim softens the words with a kiss and adds, “ Dulce sueños .”
“Sweet dreams to you too.” Oluwande smiles, resting his arm atop Jim’s to pull them in closer. “G’night.”
Topside, beneath the still-visible stars, Izzy fishes.
Cat sits with her entire body resting against Izzy, giving off a gentle rumble that vibrates up his leg. Her contented purrs calm him just as much as fishing on the quiet seas.
Izzy’s line dips into the water, bobbing slightly with signs of a catch. He wrangles it in, huffing out a breath as he hoists it onto the deck. A hint of a smile creeps across his face, “Promise you, Cat, Roach knows what he’s doing.”
Cat’s purr quiets. She chirps a question that has Izzy shaking his head and chuckling beneath his breath, “Promised him I’d bring it right straight down. You’ll get it after that.”
Cat butts her head against his boot, “Yeah, it’s for that idiotic thing he calls a lunaversary pie. Superstitious twats.”
Buttons saunters up, “Chatting with Caterina, eh?”
Izzy’s lips tighten into a thin line. He makes quick work of the weak flopping fish as he bites out, “We have our ways.”
Buttons nods. “Tonight’s a full moon.”
Izzy stiffens and turns to Buttons, “Not technically night anymore, Mr. Buttons.” He jerks his head to the predawn light that warms the sky with spills of pink, blue, and purple.
With a strained grunt, Izzy picks up the fish, “You’ll keep this between the two of us.”
Buttons grunts. “Not my place to speak.”
Izzy scoffs, his perpetual sneer returning as he takes his fresh catch down to Roach. Cat’s tail curls to the side as she prances after Izzy.
Roach is busy banging away in the galley, the routine morning preparations for a hungry crew already well underway.
Roach crows as he spots Izzy, “Good! This is exactly the fish I needed,” Roach waves his cleaver at the pair, “Away, the both of you. The pie will be ready later.”
Izzy chews on his cheek in mild annoyance, but he leaves without saying a word. No use fighting when it means Cat gets the royal treatment she deserves.
“Spoiled little princess,” Izzy sounds harsh, but the way he bends over and picks up Cat, petting her until she starts in on a bone-rattling purr, takes all of the vitriol out of his words.
“A decadent lunaversary pie, even better than last month!” Roach calls from the galley, speaking to no one in particular.
“Fucking bunch of lunatics.” Izzy shakes his head. The sight of the cleaver and the sound of flesh rending puts him in a cold sweat, a dark reminder of a night not so long ago…. He pauses at the entryway, hand reaching out as his head spins. Cat crawls her way up to his shoulder and bumps against his cheek, right up against his North Star tattoo. She paws at his mouth, purring loudly enough to rattle him from his daze.
Izzy’s shaking hand goes up to pet her, “Thank you, Cat.” Cat mews as she rubs her cheek against the little black mark on his cheekbone over and over until he starts moving again.
A few hours later, now content with Izzy’s passable mental state, Cat reappears in the galley. Roach greets her with a loud cry of excitement.
“To your second month aboard the Revenge, Cat!” He places what could barely be called pie in any polite society in front of Cat. Cat makes no moves for it, preferring to stare at Roach with silent censure.
Roach’s hand snaps to his throat in incredulity, “You must try it before passing judgment. You liked the last one. Try this one too, my dear.”
As Cat takes her first tentative bites, Roach holds his breath, but as she continues onto her next bite, Roach lets it out on a slow exhale.
“To your second month, Cat, and many more.” Roach grins wide and tips his cleaver at Cat. He wipes the remaining fish guts on his apron before setting out breakfast for the crew.
Time passes much the same as before, with Cat prowling the deck for mice and the crew doting on her. Another full moon rises, and Cat’s tummy grows round with the promise of restless kittens.
The Swede sits basking in the sun, lazily twining lengths of rope into small strips about the length of his arm. Both Fang and Wee John notice, eyeing each other and The Swede.
Frenchie sits, plucking chords, busy composing a song, utterly oblivious to the ongoing collusion.
Wee John scratches at his beard, jerking his chin at the lines of rope, “What’s that for?”
The Swede smiles, lifting up the rope and shaking it, “Oh! I wanted to make toys for the kittens. Cat loves it when we play in the rigging together. Since the babies won’t be able to climb as quickly, I thought they could play with these, instead!”
Wee John snaps his fingers, “I could sew baubles or bones to the end!”
The Swede’s smile widens enough to show off all his remaining teeth, “That sounds even better than just rope!”
Fang pulls on his necklace, “You can add on one of these, too! I can always get more on the next raid.”
The Swede is holding his hair out his face as he nods enthusiastically.
“I’ll go get a needle and thread,” Wee John says, shuffling off.
Fang pulls off his necklace and pumps his arm, “Yes!”
Frenchie, still oblivious to the trio’s agreement, mutters something about “smitten” followed by “kitten” and shakes his head.
Black Pete, overhearing the entire conversation, turns to Lucius. “Do you think the kittens would like it if I whittled them a… a thumb or something? Do kittens play with thumbs… like for biting or whatever?”
“Uh, you’re obviously not thinking of taking mine, but no, not a thumb,” Lucius bites his lip and taps his chin before shrugging, “ You could always whittle bowls…”
“Oh my gosh, babe, you’re brilliant!” Pete kisses Lucius’ cheek.
Lucius smirks, “I know I am. You’ll let me help, right? That way we can go in on the gift together.” Lucius grabs Pete by his belt, pulling him closer until their hips are flush.
He whispers in Pete’s ear, “Maybe teach me a thing or two about whittling?”
Pete gives a breathless chuckle, “Yeah, uh, totally. Absolutely.”
Lucius smirks and quirks an eyebrow, “Then let’s get started, Teach .”
Black Pete licks his lips, straightening his shoulders and affecting a rather familiar, thumb-in-belt swagger.
Jim passes by, rolling their eyes, “Ugh. Go find a room already!”
Lucius pulls back from Pete to scoff at Jim, “You just wish you were brave enough to show as much affection in public with your man, Jim.”
Jim sits down, takes out their dagger, and starts mindlessly flipping it in their hands.
Frenchie comes up to the group, strumming his lute, “I’d love some feedback on this piece for the kittens. I thought they might like… a, uh, song?”
His words taper off as he takes in the quiet standoff between Jim and Lucius, “Maybe I’ll come back another time.” He backs away without once turning, his fingers nervously plucking strings.
Wee John turns to Frenchie, “I’ll listen.”
Frenchie beams, “Alright, mate, here’s how it’s gonna go. Would love feedback..”
Wee John props his elbow on his knee, resting his chin on his hand as he watches Frenchie.
Nothing could take his eyes off the bard at the moment, “Yeah, that sounds great. Let’s hear it.”
Frenchie bites his lips and starts,
“Oh, a bird sounds nice, quite nice indeed,
Eat them, bleed them,
Stab them with your knife feet,
Tasty delicious, fillin’ up your belly,
Keep out vermin, wee lil babies.”
“It’s, uh, a work in progress.” Frenchie says at last.
A smattering of applause follows the end of his song, but Wee John’s enthusiasm far makes up for anyone else’s lackluster response. Frenchie glows next to his roommate’s raucous appreciation.
“Captain! Captain! We have an emergency!” Roach rushes on deck, providing an excellent distraction from everyone having to offer Frenchie feedback, though Wee John is already offering enough praise to make Frenchie’s cheeks flush with delight.
“Captain’s in his cabin,” Lucius states, waving a hand behind him.
Roach scurries off, yelling out, “Captain” the entire time until he bursts through Stede’s door.
Stede spins on his heel, clutching his robe closed, though it does not hide the red blush on his bare chest. “Good heavens, is everything alright, Roach?”
“Captain! We need to make land! Cat has eaten all the cat grass and I need to restock. The kittens must get their cat grass.”
“Cat grass ? Really? Whatever for?” Behind him, Ed is on the bed, trying his best to imitate a lump beneath the sheets.
“For their digestive system! I must start growing it now if it is to be ready by next month, Captain!”
“Oh, well, in that case, inform Mr. Buttons we’ll need to stop for provisions. Have him, uh, have him figure it out. If you’ll excuse me, uh, E— The Captain and I are in the middle of delicate negotiations.”
“Thank you, Captain! Captains!” Roach waves and runs out of the cabin, slamming the door behind him while yelling out for Buttons.
“Oh, thank goodness he didn’t stay any longer. Now, where were we, Love?” Stede throws off the robe and Ed’s hands slip out from beneath the sheet to grip his bare hips, dragging Stede back beneath the covers.
When they do dock the following day, Roach is already scuttling off, eyes darting back and forth as he mutters about finding a dealer.
With their own shopping agenda, Jim and Oluwande set off to find a fabric store.
The rest of the crew takes the day off to work on their gifts for the impending kittens.
It’s the perfect opportunity for Stede and Ed to peruse the local markets alone.
“I’ve been thinking it over for a while, love. I think I’m going to buy the kittens a book. Get them used to the sound of my voice and all. What do you think?”
Ed’s attention is riveted on a bakery display, “Uh-huh, yeah, whatever mate. Cats love books.”
“Oh, for Pete’s sake. It’s no use talking to you on an empty stomach,” Stede hooks an arm through Ed’s, dragging him into the cake shop, “Ah! Look, Ed! They have Nipples of Venus!”
Ed looks at Stede in wide-eyed confusion.
“ Garçon , a double order of nipples, please!”
Ed hisses out of the side of his mouth, “Mate, I don’t want any nipples unless they’re yours.”
“Hush– they’re a delicacy, dear! Ah, merci, good sir!” Stede takes the two plates and hands them to Ed, “As the French say, bon appétit !”
In the few seconds it takes for Stede to pay for the confections, Ed wolfs them down, licking his lips to catch the last bits of powder, chocolate, and buttery, brandy-flavored nuts.
“Stede, these are incredible! How many more of them can we buy?”
“As many as you like, dearheart.”
Ed moves Stede gently aside before lunging over the counter to grab the baker by his lapels, “We’ll buy all of the nipples!”
Stede’s cheeks blush pink and he smiles, handing over an absurd amount of money to the baker. It makes Ed happy, and that’s all that matters to Stede.
They manage to leave the bakery with enough sweets to last most people two months. Ed’s not most people, and manages to eat an entire box on their walk to the local bookseller.
Stede saunters up to peruse the books, humming through pursed lips as he eyes the shelves.
“Hm, Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats!” Stede grabs it off the shelf and cracks it open, “Look here, it even has a chapter on ‘The Naming of Cats’!”
Stede points to the page, beaming with pride at his find. Ed peeks over his shoulder and nods, “You should get it.”
“Oh, look at this,” Stede points to a chapter, “The Song of the Jellicles, sounds a bit saucy doesn’t it?”
“Sounds a bit like testicles, mate.”
Stede frowns. “A bit too saucy for kittens?”
Ed shakes his head, “Nah, they’re pirate cats. They’ll be fine.”
“I suppose you’re right. All things considered, I don’t have to worry about getting the kittens anything anymore. Did you want to go in it together, as, say, a joint gift?”
Ed scoffs, “Fuck no. A books not my style. That’s all you, mate.”
Stede kisses Ed’s cheek, “I have no doubt in my mind that whatever you get them will be perfect.”
Ed smirks, “Everything I do is perfect.”
“Oh, yes. Especially that thing you did with your tongue yesterday. Do you think we could do that again when we get back to the ship?”
Ed’s gaze could light a fire as he turns them on Stede, “Mate, we can do that as many times as you like.”
“Then what are we dawdling about for?! Let’s pay for this damn book and head back home.” Stede trots off and Ed bites his lip, happy to watch Stede bounce ahead to purchase his little present.
After a midday romp back on the ship, Stede tucks Ed’s confections away before he can devour the remaining treats.
“Has anyone seen Lucius?” Stede frowns, surprised to not see the young scribe draped over Black Pete.
“He’s sketching,” Pete murmurs between inspecting his whittled woodworks and responding to Stede, “should be in the rec room.”
“Thank you, Pete, and if I may be so bold to say, that is some excellent whittling! Is that a, uh, a bowl?”
“Yeah! I’m making bowls for the kittens. For their food.”
“Delightful, keep up the good work, as always.”
Stede jogs off to the rec room yelling, “Lucius? Boy? I need your assistance!”
From the rec room, Lucius sings, “Be a minute, Captain. Almost done with this sketch.”
Fang lays nude, arms behind his head, and legs crossed. Lucius diligently sketches each line and curve into his sketchbook, “And, done for now.” Lucius turns to Stede. “My old sketchbook got tossed overboard so I had to restart my collection. Saved the best for last.” Lucius winks and Fang gives a flustered giggle.
Lucius twirls to face Stede, “How can I help you, Captain?”
“I-uh- I needed some advice.”
Lucius gives him a side-eyed look of confusion. “Trouble in paradise?”
“Oh, no, far from it, in fact!” Stede leans in to whisper, “I wanted to head out to, uh, a local jeweler.”
“Oh,” Lucius starts and his eyes go wide with understanding, “Oh! Really?”
Stede looks around the rec room and waves Lucius to silence, “Shh, keep it down.”
Lucius looks around the room, “Fang’s already left and there’s no one here, Captain.”
“Just being cautious. You never know.” Stede continues on a sigh, “It’s for Ed. Obviously. And I’d prefer he didn’t find out quite yet.”
“Of course, Captain. Mum’s the word. I’m excellent at picking out jewelry. Done it myself a few times, just for fun.”
As they walk onto the gangway, Stede bumps elbows with Lucius, “Let’s head out before anyone notices. Another clandestine adventure, just the two of us!”
Lucius nods, “With better results than last time!” and quickly adds on, “I don’t mean that sarcastically, I just sound like that. I mean, it all worked out in the end last time and it will work out this time too. Better even. Let’s go before I dig my grave any further. How I’ve survived this long so far is beyond me.” Lucius slaps Stede’s shoulder, “Hurry! Say something before I say something else.”
Stede fights for something, anything to say. His mouth works silently before he yells out, “Shun the fruminous bandersnatch!”
Lucius's voice ticks up in pitch, “What is that even supposed to mean?”
Stede’s face scrunches up, his shoulders bunched around his ears, “You said to say something, so I did!”
“I meant something like, ‘Let us go forthwith, Lucius, we haven’t the time to dawdle about like damselflies and dandelions, we have a job to complete. Tut tut, I like the sound of my voice!” Lucius fluffs his hair and bats his lashes.
Stede steps out on the dock, staring at Lucius in open-mouthed horror, “D-do you really think I sound like that?”
“Oh, fuck. Everyone knows I’m horrible at impressions, Captain. Let’s go before I say something else stupid. Please. I’d really prefer it if Blackbeard didn’t throw me overboard again.”
An unbalanced, curious silence settles between them. Lucius leads on before he turns to see Stede rooted in spot, lost in his thoughts. “Lucius, I never truly- I never meant for - For any of that to happen. I thought you’d all be better off without me. But I,” he pauses for what feels like an eternity, “I never expected… Ed.”
Lucius walks back to Stede and grabs him by the shoulders, “Listen, because I’m only going to say this once. You can beat yourself up as much as you like, beat yourself black and blue, but Ed’s an adult and responsible for his own actions. You have gone above and beyond to apologize. Over and over. Even Ed has, in his own... Ed-like way. So, stop . Everyone is finally getting along. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but even Izzy is enjoyable to be around, especially with Cat nearby, bless her little feline heart.”
“Lucius…”
“Nope, none of that. We are going to get you, let me guess, two gold rings? Gonna make it official, Captain?”
“That is the plan.”
“Then I’m happy for you. We’re all happy for you. The both of you.” Lucius pats Stede on the shoulder and pushes him along the path, “Now, let’s find something that screams to Ed, ‘Oh, I just can’t live without you.’ Oop, look, there it is.” Lucius chucks a fist beneath Stede’s chin.
Stede’s sigh is all smiles, “Right. Thank you, Lucius.”
“Anything for you, Captain.” Lucius jerks his head back towards the ship and winks, “Just keep up what you’re doing, because it seems to be working.”
“Happily. Now, if you’re ready, we’ll be needing these for what I have in mind.”
As Stede pulls out two Nipples of Venus from his pocket; a large smile reeking of mischief spreads across his face.
“We’re going to swap these little beauties,” Stede holds up the two truffles, “for two rings. Now follow me, and let’s get this fuckery afoot!”
In under twenty minutes, the shop owner is screaming profanities, and Stede and Lucius are walking out with the shopkeeper none the wiser. Stede pats his pocket, “Another successful fuckery, wouldn’t you say, Lucius?”
Lucius rolls his eyes and admits, “That was pretty exhilarating.”
“See, piracy as a gentleman can be quite exciting!”
Lucius shakes his head, “It sure can, Captain, it sure can.”
As the second full moon approaches, Cat makes herself scarce. She nests in Izzy’s room, finding comfort in the man’s solitude.
Frenchie plays music, Wee John pressed into his side with ready applause after each set. Cat manages to make her way onto the deck to listen every other night. As Frenchie practices his song, the kittens visibly wiggle about, shifting in her belly.
Frenchie hoots with delight, “The kittens like the song!”
“Don’t know if they can hear you in there, m’dear.” Wee John says from beside him, “But it is a lovely song. Sing it again? If they react you’ll know for certain.”
“Good point, good point,” Frenchie nods, already starting up an encore performance that Wee John is all too happy to listen to. Shoulder to shoulder, he nods in time with the music, his hands busy threading Fang’s bits of bone and teeth onto the ends of the rope the Swede provided.
As her impending due date grows iminitent, the crew begins frantically setting up a birthing spot for Cat. With the day finally upon them and the full moon peeking above, everyone simultaneously realizes that they haven’t seen Cat in several days.
“Fuck. Where the fuck has she gone off to?” Ed’s forehead creases into a storm cloud of worry, “I’m gonna check the cabin again.”
Stede follows behind, shutting the door gently behind him. He wrings his hands as he watches Ed stab the few remaining Nipples of Venus with his dagger and stuff them in his mouth, “Ed, darling, you seem a little bit, um, stressed.”
“Stressed? What makes you say that?”
“Your rather…abrupt departure earlier and the current massacre of that defenseless box of truffles. Eating helps you calm down, but so does taking action. Can I make a gentle suggestion, darling?”
Ed stabs the dagger into the table, turning to lean against it. He crosses his arms and jerks his chin up at Stede, “Go for it.”
“Ah, well, seeing as only Buttons, Izzy, and Olivia are allowed to handle the entire birthing process, maybe see if Roach needs any help in the galley? With prep for the kittens? Get your hands good and busy.” Stede swoops his arm upward as if digging into the problem with pure enthusiasm.
“That’s not a half-bad idea.” Ed shrugs and stalks out of the cabin muttering to himself, “Yeah, yeah, I like that.”
He turns at the last minute, his lips curling up into a smile, “Thanks, Stede.”
“Of course, love,” Stede smiles at his retreating back before frantically grabbing up the last few boxes of sweets, “Goodness gracious, I better hide these away so we can at least have some for later.”
In the galley, Roach carefully snips at a pungent, green-leafed plant, his hands sticky with oil.
“Ahoy, Captain. How can I help you?” Roach says through a cloud of smoke.
“Uh, yes, I, uh, I wanted to, um, bake a cake?” Ed stumbles through his response, his gaze is sifting through the shadows for any sign of Cat. Roach plops down a recipe book in front of Ed.
“Ah, got sent down here while Cat has her kittens, eh?”
Ed grabs the book, as if ready to run up to wherever the damn cat had been hiding.
“No, mate, I just wanted to bake a cake,” he growls in frustration, “Fuck, okay, shit. I’ve never baked a cake before.”
Ed starts muttering under his breath, “Blackbeard never backs down from a challenge. Come on, Ed. You can do this. It’s just a fucking cake!”
Ed’s fingers curl into claws over the book as he searches frantically for a cake recipe.
“Captain, if you don’t mind me saying, I think you should try some of this,” Roach holds up a spindly, pointy green leaf, “It’s a medicinal plant. Should help you calm down a bit.”
In a panic, Ed snags it and stuffs it in his mouth. Roach lets out a horrified gasp, his hand covering his mouth. His eyebrows shoot up, lost in the mass of his curly hair.
Roach’s mouth opens and shuts several times, his hands flexing as if to speak, before he finally says, “You… you're supposed to smoke it… sir.”
“No wonder it tastes like shit.” Ed continues chewing as he lands on a recipe that looks close enough to a cake.
Cooking requires a patience that Ed often lacks, but the thought of cake is enough to temper him.s His first attempt passes as edible and waits for the finishing touches. “Shit,” Ed runs a messy hand through his hair, “A birthday cake needs candles, right? Roach, do you have any candles?”
“Uh, I don’t think the kittens will mind, Captain.”
Ed slams his hands on the table, “A birthday cake’s gotta have candles, mate, otherwise it’s just a cake.”
“You could always write happy birthday on it instead?”
“Roach, you’re a fucking genius.”
Roach hands over piping tools and shows Ed how to move the thin pieces across the cake.
“Huh, so that’s how you spell it,” Roach nods his head, impressed with Ed’s calligraphy.
“Learned how to write it back as a punk on Hornigold’s ship. Just some dumbfuck prank, but it’s paying off now.” Ed licks the icing off his thumb, admiring his work with a critical but appreciative eye.
Roach hands Ed a long, thin white roll that he takes a long pull off of.
“Gonna blow their fucking socks off,” Ed says smoke-laden breath.
The full moon hangs in the sky as the first rays of dawn peek their way over the horizon to greet the new life born this night.
“The wee ones and I thank you for your assistance, Livi.” Buttons bows his head in deference to the seagull, she squawks once before taking flight until the next full moon.
“Fuck me. Seven kittens. Just like you predicted, Mr. Buttons.” Izzy’s lap is covered in afterbirth, Cat, and her seven wriggling little kittens.
“Aye. Livi’s the one who told me. All female kittens too. Quite unheard of.”
Izzy opens his mouth and seems to think better of it as he shakes his head and lands on saying, “Fuck. Let’s just get these kittens to my quarters for now.”
The transfer to Izzy’s room goes off without a hitch.
Izzy sets Cat and her kittens into a comfortable box in the corner of his room, “There you go, sweetheart. Take it easy now. You did a good job.”
Cat’s rumbling purr fills the air as she settles in with her babies.
Loud banging sets in on Izzy’s door and Ed bursts in with a cake and a gaggle of wide-eyed crew members.
“Happy Birthday!” Ed and Stede yell, and the crew let out an enthusiastic cheer that has Izzy standing and barring the door with wide-spread arms.
In his fury, he bristles and spits at the sudden invasion. “Shut the fuck up, you lousy, no-good twats!”
Ed’s eyes go wide as saucers and his face goes ashen. A carbon copy of the same look is on each crew member's face, a sea of bloodless, shocked faces.
Even Izzy is a little pale, chest heaving as he bites out, “You’re disrupting the kittens. Cat needs rest, not your caterwauling.”
Cat hisses her agreement, the first time she’s ever made such a clear, vocal sign of her displeasure and distress.
Stede turns to start shooing everyone out, “Yes, let’s go celebrate on deck! Let the poor mother and her babies rest. We’ll give them all a few hours to adjust to—life.”
Stede keeps waving everyone out until the room is clear.
For once in his life, Izzy looks grateful for Stede’s interference. The lines on his forehead stand stark against his pale skin, his shoulders hunched over as he gives Stede a single, exhausted nod of thanks.
On deck, everyone is digging into Ed’s cooking with equal amounts of surprise and delight at the delicious, moist cake.
“Didn’t know you baked, Captain!“
Ed says through a mouthful of cake, “Ffft, I can fucking do anything I want. I’m motherfucking Blackbeard.”
Black Pete blurts out, “Never doubted you for a moment, Captain!”
At the same time, Frenchie says, “Hey, maybe we could open a cafe?”
Fang nods, “Yeah, we could sell little cakes and…and maybe some tea.”
The Swede pipes in, “And we could have an open mic night! Open to anyone who wants to perform.”
Ed shakes his head, a warmth settling in his heart where there had once been an empty, vacant hole– a missing piece. Torn out by the loss of not only Stede but his crew. With everyone happily eating their cake, dreaming of a far better future than any pirate had any damn right to, Ed felt more at home than he’d ever felt in his life.
Over the course of eight weeks, everyone makes attempts to see Cat and her kittens. Each time, Izzy yells them off.
“Buttons said to come back in eight weeks. Not two. Not six. Eight. So fuck off!”
With that firmly in mind, the first day of the third week has the entire crew waiting outside of Izzy’s cabin.
“Only two of you at a time,” Izzy says through clenched teeth. A paternal protectiveness causes him to cross his arm and glare daggers at everyone who comes in to coo over the kittens.
When Ed takes his turn to enter the room, Cat is already perched and purring on Izzy’s shoulder.
Stede follows behind, hands held demurely in front of him as he gives a stiff little bow to Cat.
A brave calico kitten wobbles towards Ed.
Ed holds it up with wide-eyed awe, “Izzy! Look at how fucking small they are! Have you ever seen anything so fucking tiny?”
Izzy’s smile creeps out – a tremulous, fleeting thing, “They were even smaller three weeks ago.”
Ed nods in dumbfound fascination over the tiny, mewling creature.
“I, uh, I’ve been meaning to inform you, Captain,” Izzy’s voice shakes from a combination of Cat’s turbulent purring and Izzy’s nerves, “Buttons says the kittens are ready to be rehomed.”
“Really?” Stede clasps his hands to his chest, “We best set up the kitten shower then! Do you think tomorrow night would be amenable?”
Cat butts her head against Izzy’s cheek, hiding, or rather claiming, the North Star tattoo with her full body. Izzy gulps as if trying to swallow a large, foreign object, “Yes, tomorrow night is amenable.”
“Splendid! I’ll inform the crew to prepare for the kitten shower!”
Ed gapes up at Stede,“Shit, I still haven’t gotten anything for the kittens. Are they old enough for cake now?”
Stede’s lips disappear as he shakes his head,“No, love, not likely.”
“Bet you I could make a cake they’d eat, mate.”
“I wouldn’t take that bet, Bonnet.” Izzy says with the first, unstrained chuckle he’s had in front of Ed in weeks.
“Neither would I. The odds are not in my favor here.”
Ed jumps up and slaps his legs, “No, not bloody optimal at all. Cake it is, then!”
On the following eve, with Ed distracted once again by baking confections, Stede sets about planning an over-the-top, intimate after-party.
“Lucius?” Stede hisses, “Lucius, he’s gone!”
“Oh thank god, it is far too humid in that tiny little closet. Why couldn’t I have hidden in the auxiliary closet?”
Stede rolls his eyes, pulling the new trigger, a decorative skull, to open the not-so-secret passageway, “Now’s not the time to complain, boy. We have about two hours to plan before Ed gets back!”
“Two hours to pull off the most romantic proposal ever to impress the most infamous and worldly pirate? Sure! Totally doable!”
“That’s the spirit, Lucius!” Stede grins from ear to ear, piling rolls of fabric, netting, strings, and baubles into Lucius’ outstretched arms.
Stede and Lucius rush frantically around the room with their decor.
Oluwande and Jim push the cabin door open, carrying trays laden with succulent meats and delicate flaky pastries sprinkled in powdered sugar.
“Whoa, Captain, uh, planning something special tonight?” Oluwande trips over some netting, barely managing to place his tray down onto the crushed velvet tablecloth.
Oluwande wipes his palms before brushing his fingers against the velvet. He watches, fascinated as the dusky purple fabric shimmers with the stroke of his fingertips. Dewy petals of pink, lilac, and orange speckle the tabletops and bed.
Stede nods, rocking back and forth on his feet, “Ah, yes, a little bit. I’m planning to pop the question.”
Jim huffs out, “About fucking time you two made it official.”
“We’re happy for you, Captain.”
Stede waves their comments away, “He hasn’t said yes yet, so please, no premature congratulations!”
Jim shakes their head, “No way he’ll say no. He’d be crazy not to say yes.”
“I— Thank you, Jim. That’s actually very kind of you to say.”
“You keep him happy. Keeps us safe. No hay bronca . I’m happy for you Captain.”
Oluwande hoots, “ Orale , Jim! The full moon’s done scrambled your brains.”
Jim sticks their tongue out, “No, I’m just not as fucking emotionally constipated as you think I am.”
Stede’s chest aches with a paternal fullness that shines through his gentle smile, “Now, please, no arguing. We still have a lot of planning to do!”
With his after-party preparations complete, Stede makes his way to the deck.
He thrives in his element, directing everyone to settle into their nighttime festivities. In Izzy’s arms, the kittens mewl from inside their box, climbing over each other in their curiosity.
Stede clears his throat and announces, “Now, I know this is a bit sudden, but I thought we could have our little kitten shower and follow it up with story night.”
“Just for some clarification, does that mean the kittens get to stay with us for the night?” Black Pete asks.
“Precisely that, Pete! Now if you’ll all set out your gifts, let’s get this pussy party started!”
Ed hands out another fabulous cake, this time, a lemon glaze that has the crew moaning with each mouthful.
Izzy declines, his arms wrapped around the box of restless kittens. He tries to set the box down gently, but the impatient kittens manage to tumble out in a blur of orange, black, and brown.
The soft strum of lute strings teases in the background until Frenchie breaks out in song. Buttons nods along, off-beat, as if in response to some invisible voice.
First to finish their cake, Lucius and Pete set out seven whittled bowls, which the kittens proceed to ignore until Roach puts fresh fish and cat grass in them. The kittens devour the fish until they sit content to groom themselves with half-lidded, sated eyes.
The Swede, Wee John, and Fang put out their cat toys, which are almost immediately claimed by each kitten.
As the night winds down, Stede situates himself atop a barrel and holds up his gift, “If you’ll all settle in, present kittens excluded, I’m going to read from ‘Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats’.”
The crew huddles down into their customary spots circled around Stede, and the kittens settle beside them.
“Everyone comfortable? Good, let’s start with ‘The Naming of Cats’.” Stede clutches the book to his chest and looks down at their upturned faces, “Oh, now if that isn’t an auspicious start?”
Muffled snickers erupt out as Stede reads of Jellicle cats and Black Pete chuckles out something sounding similar to “testicles”, which causes Lucius to join in a soft tittering laugh.
Stede manages to make it through the entire book in under an hour, and instead of lulling the crew to sleep, they are abuzz with energy.
Jim, unusually loquacious, asks, “Can you read that one about the con artist cat again, Macavity?”
Oluwande hums in agreement, “Yeah, I wouldn’t mind hearing that one again.”
Frenchie argues, “No! Reread the one about that bad-ass Growltiger!”
The Swede smiles down at the tortoiseshell kitten in his lap, “I like the one about the cat that sits in the sun. Always liked the name Jenny.”
Roach turns to The Swede, nodding thoughtfully. The fiesty black kitten in his lap bites at his hand, “You know, I quite like that Bustopher Jones. That is a cat that knows good food when it is offered.”
“I’m fond of calling this little one Teaser.” Lucius nuzzles, nose to nose, into the black and white tuxedo kitten who keeps trying to crawl her way between Pete, Fang, and Lucius.
Stede humors each request for a repeat recitation, and as the stars wink above them, the crew gauges the weight and flavor of these unusual names on their companions.
“It’s getting late, and we all have another big day ahead of us. If it means so much, I’ll reread the book again tomorrow.”
Murmurs of agreement rise from the crew as Stede hops off his barrel.
A tiny orange and black calico kitten, the smallest of the bunch, sits beside the barrel and tucked into Ed’s side. The kitten launches herself onto the ties of Stede’s shoes, batting at the strings.
She leaps backward to tumble into Edward’s waiting palm, already latching her claws into his sleeve.
Ed nods once and turns to leave, “I’m keeping this one.”
No arguments meet his claim. The crew is happily preoccupied with their own bundles of fluff and fur. Stede follows behind Ed, light perspiration dotting his forehead as they walk closer and closer to their cabin.
“Any of those names in that little book of yours catch your fancy, mate?”
Startled from his growing panic, Stede responds with the first name that comes to mind, “I quite like the sound of Ed Jr.”
Ed snorts. “Fuck off.”
Stede purses his lips, hands fisted on his hips, “No! I mean it!”
“Stede, Ed’s a dude’s name.”
“Yes, well, Buttons is naming his kitten Karl!”
Ed waves off Stede’s comment, “That’s different. It’s a family name.”
“All names are family names! Either way, whatever name we do agree upon, I think it would be much easier if we shared the same last name, don’t you think? Mister and Mister Teach has a nice ring to it.”
Ed’s laughter cuts off as he pushes their cabin door open. He stops mid-step at the scene before him.
Confusion creeps across his face as he takes slow, curious steps into the cabin. His breath catches in his throat as he marvels at the gorgeous, and quite frankly ridiculous, change to their quarters, “Wh-What’s all this?”
The room seems stolen straight from an underwater seascape. Mesh nets hang in artful swoops around the room, bits of pale shell and clear glass woven into their fibers. The shards glass fracture candlelight into a thousand iridescent pinpricks that dance around the room. Every flat surface is covered in dusky purple - crushed velvet - and petals dot the room, filling it with a sweet fragrance that has Ed’s knees shaking.
Ed’s fingers brush against the net, watching the rainbows of light spin and twirl around the room. Their still-unnamed kitten chases the lights, pawing at the air.
“Do you like it?” Stede probes, trying to catch a glimpse of Ed’s face.
In a hushed voice, Ed says, “Never seen anything like it.”
Ed turns slowly, caught in a daze at the sheer level of decadence, “Who’s this all for?”
For a moment, Ed wonders if Stede’s done this all to impress the new kitten, and a spark of jealousy strikes in his chest.
Stede laughs, a genuine sound of delight that smothers Ed’s jealousy, “Who else, but you, of course!”
“M-Me?” Ed chokes out, stopping to stare at Stede. Deep furrows of confusion crease his brow, “Why go through all the trouble?”
Stede reaches out to cup his cheek, “Because you deserve nice things.”
Stede lifts out a small, black velvet box from his pocket. He opens it to reveal a thick band of gold, “I was hoping… Well, I was wondering if you’d be interested, or rather to say, amenable, to marriage? With me? As husbands?”
“Matelot,” Ed whispers, dumbstruck, “Called a matelot. Not that husbands doesn’t work. I - I mean Yeah. I mean, Yes?”
Stede's hand quivers, his body vibrating with hope and anxiety, “You’re saying yes?”
Ed nods and continues nodding, “What other word sounds like yes, mate. Yes!”
Stede laughs, wrapping his arms around Ed’s waist, pulling him close, and burrowing his nose into Ed’s curls.
The kitten, upset at the lack of attention, takes that opportunity to mewl up at them, resting her forelegs on Ed’s legs. He picks her up, holding her tight to his chest, “Hi, there little Teach.”
Stede smiles, curling a finger under the kitten's chin. He looks up through his lashes at Ed. “I meant to do this with far more fanfare, to really sweep you off your feet, but this is better than I ever dreamed. The love of my life, a kitten to raise as our own, and the wide-open ocean to explore together until the day I die. Even then, I don’t think I could ever truly be parted from you, Edward Teach.”
Ed slips his hand behind Stede’s head, pulling him close until their foreheads touch, “Wouldn’t let you. You’re mine, Stede Teach, and I won’t soon let you forget it.”