Chapter Text
Really, Yennefer could’ve seen this coming. Her alarm clock was shitty and needed new batteries. Her phone alarm did tend to not actually go off. But Yen doesn't buy the new batteries and she sets the alarm on her phone so that Sunday she doesn’t wake up at 10 am, she instead wakes up at 11:30. She instead wakes up when the buzzer to her flat goes off.
"Why's it so loud?" Jaskier mumbles, trying and failing to hide his head under Yennefer's pillow.
"I wasn't expecting anyone." She pulls herself out from the warmth of the duvet, grabs her cane and moves towards the small intercom system on her wall.
A cheerful voice amplifies through the room, and this is the moment Yennefer remembers: Triss and Sabrina were going to meet her at her flat before they all went to brunch.
Shit.
"Rise and shine, sleepy head!" Triss is her usual chipper self, though her voice is tinny through the speaker.
"Triss. Hi. I just woke up."
"We can just wait while you get ready."
"Yeah, okay."
"Could you let us in, though? It's windy out here."
Jaskier is wide awake now and Yennefer begins frantically (and silently) gesturing at him. Thankfully he gets the hint and leaps out of bed, collecting his clothing from their pile on the floor.
"Sure, one second. Is Sabrina with you?"
She picks up Jaskier's jacket from the bed and throws it at him.
"I'm here and I come bearing caffeine!"
"See you in a bit then." Yennefer presses the buzzer to hang up and then makes a face at Jaskier. "Fuck. If you leave now and go down the stairs hopefully you won't run into each other."
He smirks at that, leaning down to tie his shoes. "What am I, your dirty secret, Vengerberg?"
"Oh, fuck you."
Jaskier opens his mouth, then rapidly closes it, instead grabbing his jacket and opening the door. "Bye, then."
He closes the door behind him and she sits down on her bed.
It's not like she's deliberately hiding him from her friends. Well, okay, she is. But less out of shame and more to avoid a lecture about rebounds and healthy coping mechanisms from Sabrina. Yennefer knows what sleeping with her ex-boyfriend's ex-best friend seems like.
A knock at the door signals her friends' arrival and Yennefer opens the door to reveal Sabrina and Triss, immaculately dressed and holding the promised coffee.
“Sorry about this, I need to replace the batteries in my alarm clock.”
The pair enter the flat and Triss’s eyebrows quirk slightly.
“Are you going to explain to us why Jaskier was making a speedy escape down your stairs?”
Yennefer pauses as the coffee is placed on the table.
“You never take the stairs.”
“Well, we did this time. Answer the question, Yenna.” Sabrina stares at her and Yennefer wonders if her friend should’ve become a detective.
“We slept together, so what? I wasn’t hiding it from you two.”
Triss lets out a laugh and rolls her eyes incredulously.
“Are you sticking with that answer?”
“You never asked me if I was sleeping with Jaskier, it didn’t come up.” She sits on the edge of the bed and Triss joins her, “I knew you would just act like it was some sort of evidence that I wasn’t coping with the breakup.”
“And it isn’t? When you have sex with your ex’s best friend it sort of gives that impression.”
“It's stress relief, weren’t you going on about self-care recently 'Brina?” Yennefer pivots to face Sabrina who's standing by the door.
“That’s self-sabotage.” Her lips purse, “We’re not staging an intervention, we just care about you .”
“And we know you Yenna,” Triss interjects, “We know that you just went through a massive breakup six months ago. We know that you're definitely pretending to be
doing better than you are."
“I don’t get why everybody expects me to be so upset about it. I broke up with him. I made that decision, can’t I just move on?”
“Except you aren’t doing that. You’re just filling the void that Geralt left.” Yennefer has a strong feeling that Sabrina is quoting one of her books.
“Are you telling me I’m not enough without Geralt? Seems a bit contradictory to all the shit you’ve been preaching.” She snipes back.
“She’s saying that this is what you do. Something happens and you run from it, straight to something else. After Istredd, it was your work. After you quit that job, it was Geralt. Now it’s Jaskier.”
“I’m not a child, Triss. I can cope perfectly well with my own feelings and life. I didn’t ask for your contributions.” Yennefer gets up from the bed and leans on her cane, using her other arm to reach for her dressing gown. “Look, can I just get ready so we can go to brunch? I’m done with this conversation.”
“Yenna...” She’s sure that Sabrina and Triss are sharing glances behind her back, but she doesn’t care and makes her way to her bathroom door.
“Give me 45 minutes and I’ll be ready,” Yennefer mutters and does her best to slam the door behind her.
~
Brunch is awkward and drags on, and Yennefer collapses on her bed when it’s over, ignoring any other plans that she’s scheduled for the day. There's an anger that bubbles inside her and threatens to overflow, she feels like breaking something.
It’s not her friends' place to tell her when she is and isn’t coping. It’s not their place to judge her relationships. Even if she is making stupid decisions, which she isn’t, she reminds herself, that it’s her choice to do that.
At the best of times, Triss’s mothering comes off as empathetic and caring and Sabrina’s opinionated nature comes off as loyalty. But now, they were just meddling in her life, sticking their noses where they didn’t belong.
She considers texting the group chat and telling her friends exactly that. But Yennefer has some impulse control so instead, she texts Jaskier. Well, actually first she replies to an email from her doctor asking about how she’s doing on her newest pain medication. She’s going to start next week, she just wants to use up the old prescription first. Then, she texts Jaskier.
3:34 pm
Yennefer the intimidating : Sorry about Sabrina and Triss, hope they didn’t scare you too much.
Pankratz: Just the regular amount, but it's fine really.
Pankratz: Completely unrelated ik, but guess who just broke up with their partner >:)
Yennefer the intimidating: Not Valdo by any chance?
Pankratz: *ding, ding, ding* we have a winner! I think I manifested it. Time to start manifesting that he’ll drop dead of apoplexy
Yennefer the intimidating: Why apoplexy specifically?
Pankratz: It’s especially painful. On yet another unrelated note ( i have adhd, sue me) there's a new bar that's just opened, want to check it out next Saturday? The site says it's wheelchair accessible.
Yennefer the intimidating: The one on church rd lane, right? I think Renfri's got a friend that works there and I’ve heard the food is good, so I'm up for it.
~
By midday the following Saturday, it becomes very clear to Yennefer that she is not up for it.
It feels like someone's taken her bones and dipped them in boiling water. It feels like somebody's punched her in the jaw.
It feels like hell.
The new painkillers are doing fuck all and of course, she doesn't have any of her old ones on hand because she used them all up. The paracetamol in her bathroom cupboard also has yielded no results. So, all she can do is writhe in pain and try to get through to her doctor's office.
She's leaving her third voicemail for her doctor (why does an office with business hours not answer their phone during said business hours?) when she remembers about her plans with Jaskier.
Yennefer finishes leaving the voicemail and quickly types out a message.
12:15 pm
Yennefer the intimidating: I have to cancel tonight's plans, new pain meds aren't working. reschedule?
Pankratz: Of course. Do you need anything?
Yennefer the intimidating: Unless you have a direct line to my doctor, no.
~
The thing about chronic pain that most people don’t understand is that it's never gone. Really, Yennefer is in pain every single day, but there's a scale. Most days, with the right pain killers, it's background noise, sure, painful background noise, but she can function. So, if day-to-day pain was like background noise, today's pain, the pain of days without working painkillers, was like someone shouting in her ear with a megaphone.
Yennefer contemplates this as she tries to watch shitty reality TV when her phone rings. She pauses the show and looks at the caller ID. Her brow furrows and she accepts the call.
"Jaskier?" Her syllables are a little looser than usual as she's trying to move her jaw as little as possible.
"Hey, Yen."
"Are you okay? Why are you calling?"
"Yeah I'm good just-uh, look, I know you said you don't want anything. But how furious would you be if I dropped some soup off at your flat?"
"Not that furious."
She hears him let out a breath.
"Great, because I'm kind of standing in front of your building."
~
She's surprised to see what he's carrying, he's brought an entire bag of soup containers. Yennefer was expecting a bowl of soup, singular.
Jaskier notices her confusion and begins to take containers out of the bag, placing them on her counter.
"I'm also sort of on my way to find a cafe to mark essays in, so this bag isn't entirely full of soup. But I did make a lot so you'd have some in the future too. Figured you'd appreciate having something liquid and already made."
She lies back on her bed, winces slightly, and turns her head to look at him.
"You didn't have to do this, you know."
He just shrugs, "Geralt made me probably dozens of cups of tea and bowls of tomato soup after I had top surgery. Everyone deserves some soup sometimes."
"I-"
Her phone rings and she snatches it off the duvet.
"Ms. Vengerberg? I'm calling from Dr. Williams' office. We only just got your voicemails, I'm presuming you still want your old prescription refilled?"
"Preferably today, was there an issue at the office this afternoon? Your office has been open for nearly five hours." Yennefer puts on her best 'I'm not taking your bullshit' voice and winces as she attempts not to slur her words.
"We had some issues with the power. Twelve milligrams and to pick up at your usual chemist's?" The secretary's voice oozes boredom.
"Same as last time, but I'll need it delivered."
"Hmm, yeah, I can tell them that, but I know there have been some delays with deliveries. It'll be faster if you just pick it up."
"I can't, I'm in rather a lot of pain. Hence the medication."
The other woman tuts.
"As long as they have the right information, anyone can pick up the prescription for you. I'll send it through now and you take it up with them. Have a good day, Ms. Vengerberg."
Yennefer lets out a small groan.
“You okay?” Jaskier’s eyebrows furrow.
“Not only has my doctor’s office only just responded to my messages, but now I find out I probably won’t be able to get my pain killers until much later. So no, not particularly.” She sighs. “It's just what I needed today.”
“I could pick it up for you.”
“Jaskier you really don’t have to, it’s fine.”
“I have barely anything to do today and if it would make your day a little less bad, then I don’t mind.” He grins. “The essays can wait to be marked. Please, Yen. I’m happy to help.”
Yennefer would usually argue more, but the pain is making her thoughts hazy and she just shrugs and gives in.
"Alright."
Jaskier takes a bowl from her cupboard, opens up one of the soup containers, pours it into the bowl and puts it in her microwave.
"I swear I'll be back by the time you've finished the soup, honest." He pulls out his phone from his pocket. "Now where am I picking it up from?"
~
Jaskier doesn’t get back by the time she's finished her bowl of soup (potato and leek, absolutely delicious) but he gets back rather fast all the same and it doesn't take too long for her pain to numb significantly.
They're lounging on her bed in silent camaraderie, Jaskier marking the assignments and Yennefer scrolling endlessly through the Internet less than two hours later. It's nice to just sit quietly with him, as he taps his pen repetitively against his leg and mutters about "lack of fundamental understanding of songwriting". It even makes her feel a little fond. Which is how she finds herself breaking the silence.
"I-when I was a child there was no one that nobody cared..." She says slowly, looking at her duvet, trying to shape abstract thoughts into words.
He looks up from the pile of papers, his full attention on her, pen still tapping. She continues.
"Not my parents, as if they were going to drag me to doctor's appointments, not the foster parents later on. I went to one specialist appointment right when I went into the system, got told I needed a back brace and that was it. Nobody cared enough to follow up." Yennefer pauses again and looks at Jaskier. She expects pity perhaps, but instead, he's looking at her with this intensity she can't quite parse.
"Then I was eighteen and on my own. I could make decisions and I was told that I should get full corrective surgery. I almost did, until I realized that I honestly didn't want it. That despite the fact that it had been what I hated most about myself, my disability had become such a big part of who I was. I know it sounds cliché, but I'd begun to love myself. I couldn't do that, I couldn't give that up for perfection. I'd put all this effort into getting into uni, into being more than what people expected, I wanted to feel like my achievements weren't just going to be because I'd gotten the operation they pushed at me. I mean there were other reasons too, I was working and a student so I couldn't take time off and Triss, the only person that was really there for me, wouldn't have been able to either."
She lets out a dark laugh.
"They all thought I was an idiot for not doing it. Sure they respected my wishes, but god my GP was befuddled. Triss too, though she's never said it. And fuck my life is different now, there are people that care for one, but I think I'm still surprised every fucking time. Even though I know I deserve it, I never expect people to be there for me. "
Jaskier goes quiet for a moment, focused on her. When he speaks his voice is kind and steady.
"I wish you'd had it all, Yen. Better parents, better people in your life. And I wish we lived in a world where you'd gotten that."
"I do too." Yennefer's voice is quieter, not its usual forceful tone. She slumps into the pillows behind her. "It's why I want to be a mother, you know. Because maybe my childhood was shit but I can make sure that one less kid's is. Geralt never really understood that."
He moves to sit closer to her, his legs nearly touching hers.
"I think you'd make a great parent."
"Can't be worse than my own."
"Or mine," Jaskier adds and smiles wryly.
"I-all this to say, you doing this stuff for me, even these small gestures, means a lot. It shouldn't, but it does."
He smiles at her, a dimple appearing on one cheek.
"You deserve it all, Yennefer Vengerberg, you deserve it all."
Yennefer's heart soars and against her better judgement, she smiles back at him, his eyes bright.
At that moment it hits her all at once, in the way things do when you've been ignoring them for too long: She is in love.
~
“I am so fucked.” Yen leans back against Renfri’s bed (the pot-infused sofa is occupied), and Renfri herself sits cross-legged on the floor rolling a joint.
She laughs, pushing her hair out of her face.
“You really are.”
“Don’t laugh, it’s not funny!"
“You’re in love with Jaskier, you have to admit that it's a bit funny.” Renfri lights the joint and takes a long puff. Yennefer just puts her head in her hands.
“What the fuck am I meant to do Renfri?”
“What do you mean, what are you meant to do? You’re as bad as Geralt I swear.” She leans over to pass the blunt, and Yen looks up. “Just tell him, you idiot. I thought you were meant to be the smart one.”
“I can’t just tell him!”
“Why the fuck not, Yennefer? No, really, I’d love to hear your incredibly rational reasons.”
Yen lifts the joint to her mouth, musing the question for a moment.
"I'm barely six months out of a relationship. I can't get into another one. I don't want Jaskier to be my rebound, I couldn't do that to him."
"So don't! Fall madly in love and get married and have lots of snotty children and stay devoted forever. You get to decide what you want a relationship to be, you know."
Yennefer's quiet as she processes Renfri's words, chewing on her lip.
"Shit, Renfri. That's actually good advice."
Renfri laughs, "Don't act surprised, I'm a bartender, giving advice is half my job."
"Guess I have to fucking tell him now." She sighs, "Why couldn't I have just not fallen in love?"
~
It probably says something, Yennefer thinks, that she knows exactly what days of the week and times of day Jaskier is meant to be at his flat. But at least it's useful and gives her the upper hand if there is such a thing as an upper hand when it comes to love confessions.
She knocks on the door and within a few seconds, a tall man with fantastic bone structure opens it.
"Hello?"
"Is Jaskier in?"
Valdo rolls his eyes dramatically and turns his head to shout back into the flat.
"Oy, Jaskier. Someone's here to see you."
He turns back to Yennefer and smirks. Perhaps Jaskier wasn't exaggerating what an arse Valdo was. Thankfully, Jaskier comes running to the door, interrupting the words about to escape Valdo's mouth.
"Yennefer, hi," He opens the door wider and ushers Valdo out of the way so she can walk in, "I wasn't expecting you."
Yennefer shrugs, "Thought I'd come round unexpectedly, can we talk?"
His brow furrows, "Uh, sure? Valdo, could you leave?"
"I'm good."
"That wasn't a…Look, we'll just talk in my bedroom then."
Jaskier leads the way to his room, shooting glares at Valdo as he does so. Once inside, he slams the door firmly closed. "You okay?"
She sits down on his bed, resting her cane beside her.
"Do you remember how I told you I was worried nothing would ever be enough to make me happy?"
He studies her face and nods slowly.
"What's this about, Yen?"
"What if we were enough?"
"What?"
Yennefer looks at him, taking in his face.
"Us, you and me. I think we could be. You make me happy, Jaskier."
"I-"
"You make me happy and I think we could be happy if we made a proper go of it." For the first time in a very long time, Yennefer feels just a little nervous.
Jaskier gives her a small half-smile.
"I-I want that so much. God, I want that. But I can't just be something to be discarded, Yen, I think that would destroy me."
"I could never do that." She smiles at him, wide and unabashed, full of joyful vulnerability. "I love you."
He sits down next to her and grins back.
"You and me, huh?"
"I think we could give it a try," Yennefer says, laughing slightly.
Jaskier takes her hands in his and holds them for a moment, looking into her eyes. Then he leans in and kisses her.
It's sweet and warm and feels like a homecoming.
And Yennefer is ridiculously happy.