Chapter Text
If Karkat had been looking in from an outsider’s perspective, he would probably be in slight awe. Just utter fascination and wonderment on how someone could manage to fuck themselves over so god damn spectacularly. It was an honest to god skill, one honed through years of dedication and pain.
He didn’t have an outsider’s perspective though, and so any awe he might have felt at the masterfully produced clusterfuck was instead replaced with an intense frustration and hopelessness.
He might as well just chew his foot off, it’d hurt less than the way he’d been continuously shooting himself in it.
There was only one thing he had wanted out of everything that was going on, and that was to be able to keep a simple wall up and not fall like some hopeless douchebag.
He was such a douchebag. He was the biggest fucking douchebag on this rock and he had absolutely none of the hope.
It was just- why did he have to- why did Dave have to be so- and just fuck him so fucking-
Just why did he have to develop feelings for that asshole?
He fucking promised that he wouldn’t. He made Dave promise that he wouldn’t. And then as soon as they parted ways after that an uncomfortable feeling started to pool in his digestion sack and he was able to ignore it for a while but then Dave had to go disappear for a god damn week and the longer he went without seeing him and worrying if he’d fucked up somehow that fucking feeling became more and more prominent.
He still wasn’t sure what to even call it. That was probably what was fucking him up the most over this. He had feelings for Dave and he couldn’t put them into words. If he could just do that he could maybe find a way out of his mess that would hurt both of them the least.
But it wasn’t black and it wasn’t red and it wasn’t pale it wasn’t fucking anything so why did I have to feel like it was god damn everything?
He almost told Dave when he finally found him in some random dim hallway. He’d been a complete asshat like normal and tried to play it off like Karkat’s concern was nothing but the way he was acting Karkat knew he’d been avoiding him.
He’d sounded so fucking pitiful when he asked if Karkat was sure that he didn’t like him still. He couldn’t fucking lie to that but it didn’t even matter. Dave didn’t understand his own shitty question, either that or he was purposefully pretending he didn’t so that shit didn’t get awkward.
Not that Karkat hadn’t managed to take them both into a fucking nose dive into awkward and uncomfortable shit before that but fuck that was still in the ‘holy shit let’s repress the fuck out of that incident’ part of his thinkpan.
In all of the mind blowing dumb as shit things his mouth had decided to let out without checking in with mission control first, pretty much admitting he’d be down to fuck if Dave was interested was really fighting for first prize here.
Somehow though, miracles upon miracles, since that incident things had been mostly calm between the two of them. Neither brought it up and they just kept going through the motions of whatever fucked up life it was they had managed to settle into.
Shit splitting fuck if it didn’t hurt though.
Karkat tried to tell himself that he was lucky to have at least this much. At fucking least Dave was still his friend and he didn’t mind the occasional (or not so occasional) sloppy makeout and didn’t care if maybe Karkat scratched him a little too hard sometimes or just wanted to lay on top of him and not do anything but bury his face in his neck while Dave ran his blunt human fingers through his hair.
He was such a god damn fuck up that the fact that Dave was willing to even go this far with him was pretty unbelievable. He was grateful, really!
He just wished he could fucking talk about the fact that he wanted more.
He wished he could go five minutes without making another shitty mistake and probably hurting someone he really cared about in the process.
“Hey.”
Karkat hadn’t heard Dave walk into the room and only through sheer force of will was he able to hold himself back from jumping at the sudden voice.
“Do you realize how fucking irritating it is when you sneak up on people like that?” he snapped instead, Dave just shrugging as he flopped down on the couch beside him.
“Is that considered sneaking? I just walked into the room man, nothing elaborate,” he said. Karkat huffed, crossing him arms and not about to just give this up.
“You’re as quiet as a goddamn squeakbeast and I have no idea how you manage that in a place that loves to echo every little noise as obnoxiously as possible, especially if you’re not trying to like you’re claiming,” he argued.
“Natural Strider talent, we’re light on our feet. Maybe if you didn’t stomp everywhere you go you could manage to glimpse just a portion of what it is to be me on a daily basis,” Dave said, a joking cockiness to his voice. Karkat just rolled his eyes, brushing his should against him with quite a bit more force than was necessary.
“I don’t fucking stomp everywhere, I just walk like a normal person instead of some flighty ass fake ninja,” he argued.
“First of all, there ain’t nothing fake about my ninja cred. Second of all you totally stomp everywhere. I don’t think you can do a single thing quiet, you can’t even breathe quiet man,” Dave said.
“How I breathe and the volume at which I do it is none of your business,” Karkat told him, aware that he wasn’t getting anywhere in this fight. Dave chuckled, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling Karkat down with him as he laid across the couch.
“I bet I can make you breathe real loud,” Dave said, Karkat barely able to keep himself from laughing at him.
“If that was supposed to be a pick up line it really fucking sucked,” he said, shifting himself into a more comfortable position on top of the other boy.
“I don’t know man it seems to be working, couldn’t have sucked that much,” Dave said, leaning up to kiss along Karkat’s jaw up to his ear.
“Nope, it was awful. Congratulations, I am now turned off forever. I might just stop breathing all together it’s too painful a reminder of that cringe inducing-” he was cut off my Dave covering Karkat’s mouth with his own. He already knew that Dave was going to do that and have pretty much just been rambling until he got on with it already. Karkat kissed him back, moving his arms up to run clawed fingers through Dave’s hair and try not to focus on how much this stabbed at him inside.
He liked it. Doing this shit made him happy he fucking loved it he loved Dave.
He wasn’t able to hold back a flinch when that thought came to him, mentally cursing himself out at the fact as Dave drew back and gave him a concerned look.
“You okay?” he asked, worry clear on his voice and Karkat hated the way it was so endearing and sincere. Dave clearly had problems getting opened and honest with people, Karkat would know, and the fact that the closest he ever seemed to get to it was around him was both the greatest thing ever and so fucking terrible.
“Yeah, just keep kissing me,” he said, recapturing Dave’s lips with his own before he could answer. Thankfully Dave went along with it without any protest, melting into the kiss.
The next time Dave broke away Karkat came close to biting him, not wanting a repeat of the first time they kept stopping to talk during all of this.
He’d just fuck up again and hurt Dave and that was the last thing he wanted but he still couldn’t bring himself to just end this shit before it got worse (how much fucking worse could it possibly get? He was in so deep he couldn’t see the exit anywhere) and yet he couldn’t just go all the way with it either.
“You sure you okay dude? Something seems off,” Dave asked.
There were a lot of things he could say to that which wouldn’t further escalate the situation. Mostly, he could just fucking deny, deny, deny. He could tell him he was fine and pretend that everything was good and just fucking own up to the fact that he put himself in this position and just own up to it already.
Dave didn’t have feelings for him and he’d set a god damn boundary saying he wouldn’t either and he needed to just live with his own fucking decisions already.
“No,” he finally muttered, shifting to rest his head in the crook of Dave’s neck. Of course he couldn’t do shit the easy way he needed to ruin everything just like he always does. He didn’t know how he could have ever expected anything different. Dave carded a hand through Karkat’s hair as he spoke next, using his other hand to rub circles into the small of his back.
“No, you’re not okay or no there’s nothing off?” he asked. Karkat couldn’t help but roll his eyes at that because god damn was this seriously going to be an ongoing problem here?
“No I’m not okay, holy fuck learn to understand your own questions,” Karkat said, Dave chuckling nervously and shrugging.
“Sorry, I think we’re both pretty damn aware that I don’t really think shit through before I speak,” Dave said. He shifted a bit, resting his chin on the top of Karkat’s head as he continued. “What’s wrong?”
“You really have no clue?” Karkat asked back, cursing himself every step of the way. Dave was quiet for a moment before answering.
“Maybe if you gave me a hint,” he said. He sounded hesitant as fuck and Jesus Karkat didn’t want to hurt him.
He would too. Even if he was completely fine with Karkat having feelings for him, even if he fucking reciprocated, none of that that meant shit. Karkat had managed to successfully drag any potential relationship he’d ever had through the mud in such a spectacular way he was sure that he just wasn’t cut out for it. Study and obsess and think about relationships all he wanted that wouldn’t change the fact that there was something fundamentally wrong with him.
He could never pick just one and he couldn’t ever be enough for someone to reciprocate that.
“I’ve really fucked up with this,” he said after a moment. Dave was still calmly rubbing at his back and it felt so nice. He was going to screw this up and fuck he was going to miss it.
“Fucked up with what?” Dave asked, being abnormally short with his words. It wasn’t like him to not go on a mile fucking long rant every chance he could.
“This,” Karkat said, smothering himself even further into Dave. His bloodpusher was pounding in his chest and he swore that Dave could feel it. He didn’t do anything for a few moments, just continuing to run his hand through the troll’s hair as what Karkat said sunk in.
“Do you want to stop?” he said quietly. If Karkat hadn’t been pressed on fucking top of him he might not have even heard.
“No,” he said in an instant, not having to think about that for a second.
Maybe if he was less selfish he would have thought it over and ended it before he fucked Dave over, but he was a douchebag through and through it seems.
“Oh. Good,” Dave muttered into his hair. Karkat was taken a bit back by just how relieved he sounded. He didn’t know if it was a good thing or not.
“Why’s it good?” he decided to ask, hoping maybe they could get off of questioning him for a bit. He could feel Dave shift under him as he shrugged.
“I like doing stuff with you. I thought that was pretty obvious,” he said. Karkat stayed quiet for a moment because Dave liking this shit was fine but it wasn’t everything he wanted.
He wanted fucking everything. He was so fucking selfish.
“You still haven’t told me what’s wrong with this,” Dave said. Karkat half considered biting his neck and trying to distract him with make outs again. It pretty much worked last time, no reason why it couldn’t again.
Except this time he’d admitted there was a problem so there was no fucking way Dave was going to let it go now.
“I’m just a fuck up, okay? You deserve better,” he said, well aware that Dave wouldn’t just take that, but hoping none the less. As he thought, he could practically feel Dave rolling his eyes below him as he moved the hand in Karkat’s hair down to rub at his ear.
“I’m not sure what it is you think I deserve, but I’d say I have it pretty fucking good. I mean, at least when it comes to you. The whole stranded on a meteor heading towards our possible imminent deaths thing yeah I’d agree with you on deserving better,” Dave said, starting to ramble again the slightest bit. Karkat was surprised by how much just that had calmed him down. If Dave was comfortable enough to act a bit normal again maybe he could as well.
“Well at least there’s one common ground between the two of us,” he said, ignoring the first part of Dave’s little rant.
“I’d say there’s a lot more than one, but sure it’s a good starting point,” Dave replied. “I’m still not sure what you’re getting at here though, think maybe you could elaborate?” he asked.
Biting him was sounding better and better every passing moment, honestly.
“Dude, Karkat like, if there’s something wrong we should talk about it,” Dave said when he didn’t answer.
“Why? It’s not like we’re actually dating or anything,” Karkat muttered, wondering if Dave would pick up his bait. He both desperately wanted him to and frantically wished he hadn’t said that and Dave would just ignore him. He had no fucking clue which side was stronger here.
“No, we’re not,” he said, back to sounding unsure of himself, “but I mean, that doesn’t mean we still shouldn’t talk. And like, you know we could be, if you wanted to,” he added, muttering the last part.
It was very fucking hard for Karkat to keep himself from getting excited at those words but he just barely managed to because it still didn’t matter he’d fuck it up he would he always did.
“Could be what?” he asked, figuring he shouldn’t go jumping to conclusions either. The hand on his back started tapping out a beat instead of the rubbing like before. Karkat would have been annoyed if it didn’t make it so clear how nervous Dave was right now.
“Dating?” he said, his voice sounding tight, “You already said you ain’t interested though so just forget it because I’m cool with how things are now. I was just thinking might as well throw the option out there while we were talkin about it. Like seriously don’t think anything of it because I don’t want to fuck up what we have even if it’s not much because it’s just really great but I know I don’t actually mean shit to you and I’m cool with that as long as you are and Jesus fuck I need to stop talking,” Dave finally managed to shut himself up.
Karkat pushed himself up so that he could actually look at Dave now, trying to let everything he’d said sink in. The longer he went without saying anything the more uncomfortable Dave looked.
“Sorry if I just fucked everything up,” he muttered, Karkat pretty sure he was avoiding eye contact.
“How the fuck could you think you don’t mean anything to me?” Karkat finally managed to ask. He wasn’t sure why out of everything he’d said that was the one thing that stuck out the most to him, but it did and holy fuck the idea that Dave could even think he felt that way was like a knife through his chest.
“I… you said so yourself,” Dave answered.
“Fuck what I said,” Karkat told him, leaning down again and stealing several kisses as he continued. “Fuck anything I’ve told you that would make you think I don’t fucking care about you. Holy shit I don’t know how you even deal with me,” he said. Dave let out a small laugh as he returned Karkat’s last kiss.
“I like dealing with you man, that’s not a problem,” he said. Karkat sighed softly, leaning forward and letting his forehead rest against Dave’s.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, not even sure what he was apologizing for at this point. Everything, probably.
“Don’t be,” Dave told him. “So, now what?”
“What do you mean?” Karkat asked, not sure what else there was to all of this.
“I guess just like, what are we? For the record so we can put all this to rest,” Dave said. Karkat was quiet for a while, trying to figure out what to say. He wanted to be something, and fuck Dave did too but he couldn’t put a fucking name to it and that bothered him.
“If I told you that one of the reasons I’ve been so weird about this is because I haven’t been able to place it in a single quadrant how would you react?” he finally asked. He wasn’t too surprised when Dave started laughing, if not a little irritated.
“Sorry, sorry,” he apologized, noticing the glare Karkat had fixed him with, “it’s just, you know I don’t really do or understand quadrants man. Of course I’m not gonna be all that good at sticking to one,” he said. Karkat sighed, leaning up a bit so that talking wasn’t too awkward with them both so close to each other.
“Yeah okay I get that and it is expected from you, if it was just that I could deal with it! But it’s not just that, I can’t put my feelings for you into any one and that’s where it’s fucked up,” he tried to explain. It still didn’t look like Dave quite understood though.
“Is that necessarily a bad thing? I mean, if we’re both more comfortable like this, then why not? I guess what I’m trying to say is I know how important the whole quadrant thing is to you, but if it’s not working and just making you miserable maybe we can just try out being like, human boyfriends instead?” Dave suggested, clearly hesitant to ask that last thing.
Karkat was quiet as he thought it over. There was a voice in his head, telling him to end it now, that this was just going to fuck up and leave them both miserable because that’s what he did.
He managed to crush down on these thoughts enough to nod.
“Yeah, okay, we can try that,” he said at last, Dave instantly perking up.
“Wait really? I mean, that’s cool, like awesome, yeah,” he said, trailing of a bit at the end. Karkat rolled his eyes and couldn’t keep himself from laughing at his reaction.
Holy fuck why had he kept himself from this for so fucking long?
“Yes, really. Maybe we won’t live long enough for me to fuck it up too bad,” he said, Dave quickly shaking his head.
“Don’t think like that dude. Maybe we’ll live and manage to keep this from being a total train wreck,” Dave offered.
“Yeah, maybe,” Karkat said, shifting to lie back down on top of Dave again.
He was still in a bit of shock trying to believe that everything that had just happened had been real. Dave had returned to rubbing at his back instead of the nervous drumming and Karkat let his eyes close in contentment. If this was all still real when he woke up, maybe then he could start worrying about how they were going to make this work and the figure.
Maybe he wouldn’t though. Maybe he could just try to let himself enjoy what was happening for once and not fuck it all up through overanalyzing. He had a feeling Dave was going to stomp out that shit pretty quick whenever he caught wind of it anyway.
Besides, there was only half a year until they reached the new session. He didn’t even know how long he’d survive once they got there. If he didn’t live, he wanted to at least be able to have a bit of his life where he was just happy.
Wrapping his arms around Dave’s neck and pulling himself closer, Karkat figured this was as good as it was going to get.
And for once he was honest to god fucking fine with that.