Chapter Text
Saitama 2019
It should be easier by now, competing at home.
Usually he thrives in circumstances like that, in front of his crowd, thousands of people cheering for him. And yet for some reason when Yuzuru glides to the centre of the ice, his name still lingering in the pulsing air of the arena, something doesn’t feel quite right.
It feels like something is sitting in his stomach, not painful but quite uncomfortable, pulsing under his ribs. He breathes hard, in and out, trying to collect himself, get his head in the game. He has a goal, in the end, something he swore to fight for, and he can’t let anything get in the way, even if the obstacles are his own feelings.
He closes his eyes, and for a second all he hears is the sound of his own heartbeat.
And then, he moves.
The walls of his hotel room are painted in a hideous shade of beige, and yet Yuzuru can’t stop staring at them.
He’s laying on his side, pillow rolled under his head and an ice pack wrapped around his ankle. He isn’t sure how he’s feeling, to be honest. Tired, that’s the only sure thing. Actually, he’s so tired, he isn’t even sure he has strength to feel disappointed. That might come tomorrow, one whole day of a break before he’ll have to step on the ice again and fight with every bit of strength left in his battered body.
When his phone buzzes, he almost chooses to ignore it. But so little people have his phone number he knows the person contacting him probably has a serious reason, so he reaches for it, managing to grab it from the night stand with the tips of his fingers.
[Brian] How are you feeling?
I’m fine
, he types back
Resting
[Brian] Good
Yuzuru narrows his eyes, confused. He almost puts the phone away but then he sees another message pop up, and it only manages to confuse him further.
[Brian] Is it okay if someone visits you?
The message is so vague it actually makes Yuzuru a little anxious. Brian usually doesn’t skim around the topic, knowing that Yuzuru is a precise person who doesn’t like to play games.
You?
[Brian] Javi is here.
Yuzuru’s heart flutters in his chest like a hummingbird trapped in a cage. He had no idea Javi was here, not even a clue, and the fluttering turns into hammering so strong it’s almost painful.
How would he know? It’s not like they have spoken a word since the last time they saw each other.
It’s probably not the best idea, he tells himself. He needs to rest and focus, and he doesn’t think that meeting Javi now would guarantee that, his thoughts going back to that moment in the locker room that feels like ages ago. But oh, he can’t ignore the way his skin warms up at the mere thought of Javi, how his body craves his familiar touch and hug that could always ease any post-competition bitterness or tears.
Ok he types, not giving himself a chance to change his mind.
He sits up and gets rid of the ice pack before going to the bathroom slowly, where he checks himself up in the mirror. He looks okay, taking everything into account, so he just wets his hand and combs his hair back. His clothes are pretty wrinkled but before he can think about changing them there’s knocking at the door and his throat clenches erratically.
It’s been so soon after Brian’s message, it means that Javi has been close, probably in the hotel, maybe getting dinner with Brian. The thought makes Yuzuru feel uneasy, and also oddly sad that he hasn’t known earlier.
He shakes his head and brings on a smile, and opens the door.
Yuzuru had a vague idea what to say before, but then he’s looking at Javi, and it feels so surreal all of a sudden that all the words evaporate from his head.
Javi looks good, and despite the late hour, there’s something bright about him, like he’s well-rested and glowing, and Yuzuru’s heart leaps in his chest, because he has missed him so much and here he is, right in front of him, and Yuzuru doesn’t remember how to move.
“Hi.” Javi speaks first, head tilting just a little, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips “Brian said it was okay to come.”
“Yes.” Yuzuru nods, forcing his tongue to cooperate “Yes, here.” he steps aside, letting Javi in.
He closes the door and hesitates, not sure what to do, stay where they are or offer Javi to sit, feeling awkward and clumsy. But Javi solves the situation in his usual manner, because without any warning, he’s stepping closer and wrapping his arms around Yuzuru like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
And maybe it is, because Yuzuru’s hands settle on Javi’s waist with such ease, like they just belong there. He sighs, dropping his forehead to Javi’s shoulder and basking in the warmth that seeps into his body, comforting and soothing like the rhythm of Javi’s breathing next to his ear.
“How are you?” Javi asks quietly, his fingers brushing the sensitive skin of Yuzuru’s nape before sliding into his hair and resting on the back of his head.
“Okay.” Yuzuru murmurs into Javi’s shirt, his lips brushing against the soft fabric “Disappointed.” he adds, even though Javi knows for sure.
“You did good.” Javi says, just like Yuzuru thought he would, but it doesn’t bother him.
It’s Javi, in the end. Yuzuru could never be bothered by his kindness.
“What are you doing here?” he asks, and Javi chuckles, his warm breath tickling Yuzuru’s skin.
“I got some offers to show up in a few places. And I wanted to check on you too.”
“Nice.” Yuzuru says, and his throat is scratchy so he tries to clear it with a cough, which doesn’t exactly work. He pulls back and swallows hard, and then he looks at Javi’s face and something cracks inside him, like a frozen river breaking into a thousand of ice floes.
“Yuzu?” Javi asks, a hint of worry lingering in his voice, and Yuzuru tries to collect himself, but he can’t.
He doesn’t want to cry, not in front of Javi, making him feel like he has to comfort him again. But his eyes sting and no matter how hard he blinks, a few traitorous drops run down his cheeks, a humiliating proof of his weakness.
“Hey, hey.” Javi murmurs, deep concern painting his face, and he takes Yuzuru’s hands, entwining their fingers securely.
Javi leads him to the bed when he guides them both to sit down carefully, and Yuzuru wipes his face with his sleeve. He’s feeling weak and embarrassed, and he kind of wants Javi to go, but at the same time Javi’s still holding one of his hands and it feels like the only thing grounding him right now, warm and secure.
“Sorry.” he breathes out shakily, “I don’t want to cry.”
“It’s okay. It’s crazy time.”
“You should be here too.” Yuzuru says and he immediately wishes he hasn’t, because there’s just a hint of judgement in his voice and it’s not right. Javi doesn’t hear that, or he chooses to ignore it gracefully, because he only smiles, and readjusted his hold on Yuzuru’s hand, so his thumb can caress his knuckles.
“What do you want the most in the world? What do you want, now?”
“To win.” Yuzuru says without missing a beat, the answer imprinted in his brain “To compete, to inspire. To push forward.”
“And I will support you in all of that.” Javi says, his eyes twinkling gently “I used to have similar dreams, but these things change, you know?”
“What do you want now? The most in the world?” Yuzuru asks, his voice catching in his throat on the last word, and Javi hums quietly, his thumb drawing small circles on Yuzuru’s skin.
“To teach. To inspire. To spend time with my family. To love.”
“You always love.” Yuzuru says without thinking, and he doesn’t know why the words taste sour in his mouth.
Javi laughs, and reaches to brush Yuzuru’s hair that is again falling on his forehead.
“That’s true.” he says, and there’s something in his expression Yuzuru can’t bear, something he thinks he has seen before and it makes his heart swell, so he looks down at their still linked fingers, and he thinks he can feel his skin tingle, shivers running up his arm.
Javi’s breathing hitches before he inhales deeply, and then he’s standing up, his hand slipping from Yuzuru’s.
“Goodnight.” Javi says quietly, and then beds down to kiss the top of Yuzuru’s head “Good luck.” he hesitates for a moment before breathing again into Yuzuru’s hair, “Do you remember what I told you once, in Shanghai?”
Oh, how could he ever forget?
Yuzuru could say so much, he wants to say so much, but he can’t. He can’t, because those words are both a deep wound and a soothing balm. He can’t say anything, because if he starts, he won’t stop, and this isn’t a place and time for that.
So he stays quiet, only nodding silently as Javi slowly pulls away, eyes dark and gentle, and shimmering like two constellations.
“Goodnight.” Yuzuru musters to say, when Javi’s already at the door, “Thank you.”
Javi turns around for a second and gives him a smile before leaving without any other word, but it feels like he’s not actually walking away - more like he’s entering Yuzuru’s life again, and this time, Yuzuru maybe won’t let him go.
The door closes gently, and Yuzuru remains unmoved for a while, basking in the warmth Javi’s presence left in the surrounding air, clinging to his skin like a comforting blanket. And sitting like that, he realizes that he has lied.
He wants to win, still. But it isn’t what he desires the most in the world. Not now.
Not anymore.
The night before the free skate, he sleeps terribly.
Yuzuru tosses in his bed, rolling from side to side in search of a comfortable position, his ankle pulsing in the same nagging rhythm, making him sigh into the pillow with exasperation.
The morning comes too soon, and members of his team watch him with worry, but no one says anything. There’s nothing that can be done now, and everything depends on him.
The warm-up goes peacefully, and he spends most of it with his headphones on, letting the familiar sounds wrap him in a comfortable blanket and not let him lose his focus. Because when he lets his thoughts wander, he sometimes turns into an overthinker, and it’s not what he needs right now, especially when there are things swimming on the edge of his consciousness and demanding to be dealt with.
He can’t allow it, not now. Because he needs to push just a bit more.
He’s in a peculiar mood, but when he puts his costume on, he can’t help but smile. It’s like an extra boost of confidence, and when he steps on the ice for that last six minute warm-up of the season, his senses are razor sharp and focused.
He knows what he has to do. His body knows it too.
When they call his name, he’s ready.
It’s done, and with that comes serenity. Yuzuru can’t remember the last time he was so calm after losing, but as he’s slowly going through the motions at the backstage of the arena. His body is exhausted, tired to the bone, but his mind at peace as he smiles and gives hugs in the corridors, as he speaks at the press conference.
Sipping from his water bottle and looking at the rows of people in front of him, he wonders if this feeling is going to fade, if anger and disappointment will come to disrupt the calm that has overwhelmed him after the storm of the competition.
But hours pass, and he just grows more tired, and that’s the only thing he can really feel and think of as he puts his pyjamas on, his fingers weak and trembling slightly as he tries to pull his pants up. His mind is oddly blank, like he doesn’t have energy to form any coherent thought. Lying down on the soft mattress, he exhales deeply, and musters enough strength to reach for his phone to make sure his alarm is set, that small voice of the perfectionist in him never forgetting about his duties.
His alarm is on, and so are a bunch of notifications on his screen. He intends to ignore them all, except one catches his gaze and makes his breath hitch, and even though his eyelids are closing on their own, he needs to know.
[Javi] You’re a hero. Remember that.
Yuzuru’s heart thuds, a few hard beats that make his ribs ache, and the phone slides from his suddenly numb fingers.
He can’t do it now.
He’s too tired, too weak, too scared and too damn hopeful.
He closed his eyes, and the last thing he registers before falling asleep are two hot drops sliding down his cheeks.
Banquets are believed to be an opportunity for the skaters to have fun and relax after the competition; and it’s even more true when speaking about world championships. The end of another season, an opportunity to breathe in fully after months filled with hard work and adrenaline.
It’s not the case for Yuzuru, though. He isn’t fond of speeches and loud music, of alcohol and crowds that seem to be closing around him tighter and tighter until he feels like he can’t breathe. But this time is different; this time Yuzuru is filled with anticipation that makes his skin crawl and his fingers curl around the glass nervously as he looks around discreetly, barely paying attention first to the officials and then to the overwhelming number of people trying to hang out with him. He’s polite to them, of course he is, but he feels jittery and distracted, and his stomach clenches as waves of nausea make him clear his throat more than necessary.
When he finally sees him, it’s both relief and fear, and the punch of emotions makes Yuzuru light-headed for a second. He blinks rapidly, making sure he doesn’t lose the sight, and his heart leaps in his chest, because there he is, in a while pullover and jeans, casually dressed and yet he’s a piece Yuzuru has been missing for the entire time, entire season, and in this moment, everything feels right.
Javi doesn’t notice him yet, people gravitating to him like usually when he appears, the warmth he radiates drawing people in. And Yuzuru can feel it too, the pull so strong it’s making him physically ache, and yet he can’t move, and only his fingers curl around his glass so hard it hurts.
So he stays, unmoved, and waits.
He’s good at waiting.
After a little eternity, Javi returns every handshake and hug offered, poses for every picture he is asked for, and finally, finally he looks up and his eyes find Yuzuru’s, like he has known all the time where to look for him. And when their gazes meet, Yuzuru feels like something shifts inside him, like there’s a piece that has been bothering than he cares to remember, and it finally slips into the right spots, like it always belonged there.
Javi walks towards him slow yet sure, and his smile curls warmly in the purple-ish light that is currently blinking over their heads.
“Hi.” Javi says, softly and just loud enough, Yuzuru can hear him through the blaring music.
Yuzuru opens his mouth, wanting to say it back, but all of a sudden he’s overwhelmed with a thought that it’s not right. That he needs to say something else, something meaningful, and yet he can’t come up with anything, only looking at Javi, feeling more and more helpless with every second.
Javi narrows his eyes, concern slipping into his expression as his eyes are searching Yuzuru’s face; and then his gaze drops and the lines on his face harden a little. It’s so rare, to see him like that, and Yuzuru feels himself curling with anxiety, expecting something that would hit him like a punch. But then Javi looks up at him again, and there’s nothing from that previous sharpness left - there’s only that almost unbearable warmth, and Yuzuru feels himself enchanted, unable to turn his gaze away.
Javi’s lips part just a bit, but he doesn’t say anything. But he moves, though, both his hands moving and gently unwrapping Yuzuru’s fingers from around the glass, and Yuzuru only now realizes how much it has been hurting, to hold onto something so hard.
“Hey.” Javi says quietly, and there’s a tightness in his voice Yuzuru hasn’t heard there before.
One of Javi’s hands withdraws, carrying the glass, while the other brushes against Yuzuru’s palm carefully, curling against it like he wants to entwine their fingers together, and Yuzuru’s body tenses with anticipation.
But it can’t be, not now, not in the middle of the busy room where there are destined to be interrupted, and the moment is meant to be broken.
“Guys, can we get a picture?” Nam appears from nowhere, bright and bubbly, and Yuzuru blinks rapidly, torn out from this little universe him and Javi have been in for these short minutes.
“Sure.” Javi smiles, suddenly steady and collected, and he reaches to ruffle Nam’s hair, “You’ve grown a couple inches again, let me see…”
“I’ve stopped growing some years ago, but thank you, dad.” Nam snorts, and Yuzuru takes a quick, deep breath before plastering a smile on his face and posing for a picture.
He’s painfully aware of everything, of the music, the lights, Javi’s body pressed against him in a casual pose that doesn’t feel right; and yet Yuzuru doesn’t want that moment to end, because he knows the second it’s over, they will be pulled into different directions. And that’s exactly what happens, Javi being dragged away by someone Yuzuru can’t recall the name of, and Yuzuru being rushed to talk to a man who’s probably very important, but whom Yuzuru has no interest to meet.
There’s a bitter taste in his mouth as he tries not to turn around, and he thinks that maybe it should be, how it always has been. Them, constantly pulled in two directions, moving in different circles on two sides of the world. Is it really their fate, to never meet in the middle?
But yet, they’re always end up finding each other’s orbit in the end, and when it happens, Yuzuru knows that he can’t stand it anymore.
“Can we go?” he asks, and Javi nods immediately, with no question, not an ounce of hesitation.
Yuzuru walks first; he doesn’t turn around to check, because he can feel Javi’s presence right behind him. Palpable, electric.
He doesn’t stop until they reach the elevators, and it feels like only now he can breathe, with air cooler and not as dense as in the banquet room, with the music being now a distant thud instead of a constant harsh noise. They don’t talk, but it doesn’t mean that there’s silence between them, no. There are so many sounds Yuzuru picks up, like his own strong heartbeat, like the quickened pattern of Javi’s breath.
The door open and they step in at the same time, their shoulders brushing, and as the elevator moves up, Yuzuru feels the temperature rising immediately, and he inhales sharply, greedily. He reaches to his neck with intent to lose his tie a bit, but his fingers are numb, his moves clumsy, and he fumbles with it for a couple of seconds with no luck.
“Wait.” Javi says gently, turning so he’s facing Yuzuru now, “Stay still.”
And Yuzuru doesn't, not only because Javi has asked him, but also because he’s like paralysed, his body tense like a bowstring, prepared and yet not ready.
Javi is gentle and quick, and he smiles as he unties the fabric and lets it hang off Yuzuru’s shoulder. He tilts his head, like he wants to ask Yuzuru if that’s better, and Yuzuru’s body is quicker to response than his mouth.
He steps closer, crossing the last bits of space between them - and he leans forward, pressing his forehead to Javi’s.
Javi inhales sharply, and Yuzuru’s eyelids flutter shut, but that’s the only thing he dares to do, too afraid to disrupt that little microcosms they have created for these couple of shared breaths. In this moment, stretching like a string connecting two souls, it’s like their hearts beat in the same rhythm, falling into a melody older than time. And if Yuzuru posessed an art of magic, he would have made it last, close themselves in that small space until the little butterflies in his chest turn into words.
But fate laughs at fantasies like that, and the elevator stops with a tug and the door opens with a quiet whistle. Yuzuru doesn’t want to open his eyes, and he doesn’t want to move, but he does both, only to find Javi’s eyelids still shut, his bottom lip quivering slightly as he inhales deeply. He rarely looks this vulnerable, so dimmed, in a way, It’s such a contrast to his usual brightness, and Yuzuru feels the sudden, overwhelming need to protect him from the world outside the space between their heartbeats.
So he takes Javi’s hand, guiding him gently from the elevator and through an eerily quiet corridor. In the still silence, the sound of an opening lock is jarring, and Yuzuru breathes out deeply with something like relief when the door closes and they are yet again in the comfortably confined space of his room.
Javi is looking at him now, with eyes wide and searching, and Yuzuru knows, he knows that he has to fully face what has been brewing in him for so long before it turns into bitterness that would swallow him whole.
“I always want to win.” he says, and a corner of Javi’s mouth twitches before he smiles properly, gentle and like he has been expecting just that.
“You did good.”
“No, I don’t mean-” Yuzuru starts, but words are hard to form; he sighs with frustration, and glances down at their still linked hands and he breathes in, knowing he can’t give up, not even when his words are failing him.
He breathes in again and tugs at Javi’s fingers, raising their joined hands until they’re pressed against his chest, right over his strongly beating heart, and Javi’s breath catches as his long eyelashes flutter, casting little shadows to dance on his cheekbones.
“I want to win.” Yuzuru repeats stubbornly, and his voice trembles annoyingly, as if words don’t want to leave his mouth, “But I lost, when you left.”
The words hang in the air between them, heavy, pulsing.
Javi swallows hard, his fingers digging into Yuzuru’s t-shirt with a tad more force, like he wants to feel the heat of his skin our count his heartbeats.
This is it. This is now, when Yuzuru fully acknowledges what he wants, what he needs, what he has been slowly learning for longer than he truly realizes even now.
And it feels so right. And terribly scary.
“I need you more than I need any of that. Because you’re the only person that makes it matter. I-” he takes a deep breath before this last jump, because this is it, this is it, “I want to ask if you could love me. Because I do. I grew to love you, during all the time when we were together, and when you were gone. I just… Life has to be more than I know. Than I have.”
When he stops, the silence is deafening, and Yuzuru feels his throat clench and his breathing hitch as he’s looking at Javi, searching for any clue, anything that could give him at least a shadow of an answer. He has never seen Javi so stoic, so calm, so damn hard to read, with his expression being a calm mask.
And then, just when Yuzuru thinks he can’t take it a second longer, the mask cracks.
Javi lets out a breath that sounds like a wet chuckle, and there’s that vulnerability again, only now accompanied by a smile that Yuzuru wants to remember and hide in the corner of his heart for the rest of his life, a sweet smile of relief, kindness, and…
“Okay.” Javi says, and his voice is like a line of a song Yuzuru has been trying to memorize for so long, “You know-?”
“Yes?” Yuzuru murmurs, his throat too tight to speak, his heard pounding too hard, every string of muscle in his body too tense.
Javi chuckles, again, a warm laughter from the deepest part of must be happiness, and he brings his free hand to caress Yuzuru’s cheek tenderly, his eyes bright and wet.
“Life is so much more.” Javi whispers, and in a span of a second, Yuzuru can see his life as he wants to build it from now on.
It’s a beautiful image, he thinks as his lips part and fingers trace Javi’s face before sliding into his hair.
The future is here, starting right where their lips meet, timid and yet sure, like they both have known it would happen in the end.
There’s so much ahead, maybe so much more than they have experienced already. But as Javi’s lips cover his, warm and somehow so familiar, Yuzuru thinks that this is exactly what he has been searching for even when he didn’t know it yet.
Because now, he’s done with proving to people that he can fly. For now, he wants to stay grounded.
Right here.