Chapter Text
“I'm leaving home for the Coastline
Some place under the sun
I feel my heart for the first time
'Cause now I'm moving on yeah, I'm moving on
And there's a place that I've dreamed of
Where I can free my mind
I hear the sounds of the season
And lose all, sense of time
I'm moving far away
To a sunny place
Where it's just you and me
Feels like we're in a dream
You know what I mean”
- Coastline, Hollow Coves
May 26th 2005, 18 years old.
When Jake opens his eyes he can feel the warm morning sun caress his skin. The birds singing songs and a gentle breeze sneaks through the open window, warm and comfortable.
He looks at the ceiling for a moment, letting the residue sleep wash out of him as he rubs his left eye softly.
There’s gentle breathing besides him, a shift in the blanket accompanied by a sleepy sigh. He turns his head slowly, long blonde hair is sprawled out on the soft white pillow besides him, soft skin disappearing beneath a blanket that rises and falls with peaceful breaths.
Jake gently pushes the blanket off himself, sitting up in bed with a sleepy sigh as it gathers around his waist. He’s pretty sure he’s never seen the apartment he’s in. It looked cozy and bright, radiating comfort with plants basically everywhere he looked and a subtle orange shade on the walls, illuminated by the sun shining through the big windows.
There’s a lot of books and in the corner there’s a wooden chair with a crocheted blanket on it, a cat sleeping on top of it. Something like jazz is playing softly in the background.
He lifts himself off the bed, getting up carefully as to not disrupt the strangers sleep. He puts on his underwear and Marc’s clothes, his shirt and jeans and his jacket.
Looking around he quickly gathered the rest of his things, his shoes, wallet, cellphone, whatever he could see first glance.
Jake really didn’t feel very comfortable leaving this girl just laying there as he disappears without another word but he figures it’s for the best. She’d be more hurt if she woke up and thought Marc was just pretending to be another person.
Jake also didn’t think Marc would want him to stick around. Marc did stuff like this sometimes, he didn’t do it with an intend of starting something serious.
Jake pets the cat on his way out, smiling softly when it stretches and purrs beneath his fingers.
Once he made it out of the door he steps onto the busy Brooklyn streets. Something about this place feeling comforting to him. Peaceful. Happy. Like home away from… whatever.
It really was a home to him even though he’s never been here before. He figured that doesn’t matter.
He walks along the streets for a while, breathing in the warm morning air, today would be a hot day but the morning was incredibly beautiful, refreshing but not cold. Fresh air fills his lungs, making him feel like it’s the first time he’s ever actually properly breathed.
The little bell chimes above his head as he walks into the diner, the door closing behind him, drowning out the gentle chatter from those busy New York streets. He sits down on a bar stool and waits as he pushes his hair back, way out of his face.
“You just made it in time I was about to close.”
“At 6am?” He questions, propping himself up to sit straighter, ignoring the curl that falls back into his face.
“I open overnight on weekends, you know that I’m a bit too short on staff to offer 24h opening.” The woman offers him a kind smile as she puts a cup of coffee down in front of him. “Rough night?”
“Uh… the opposite, I don’t remember much of it though.” He trails off, picking up a bag of sugar and ripping it open to dump it into the cup.
“That drunk?” She smirks at him.
“Something like that. Had a rough few couple of days though so both applies I guess.” He says without looking at her, not really in the mood to elaborate further. He grabs the milk to pour a bit of it into his cup, watching the deep black fade away into a soft brown. His coffee now sweet and soft instead of bitter and rough.
He can feel the frown on her but he decides to ignore it.
He’s seen that frown often enough already. He didn’t ever want to talk about it. He’s been coming in here the first day they’d arrived in New York. It was meant to be more of a quick stop to grab a simple lunch but then he’d come back here the next day. And then the day after that again. She makes a mean grilled cheese sandwich.
Eventually over time they’ve kicked it off into becoming something maybe less than friends but more that strangers. He helped her around the diner, took some shifts or fixed some broken stuff for her and she’d offered him a coffee on the house. It worked well enough to offer jake some kind of a purpose and a distraction.
“Hey… you got somewhere to sleep though.. right?” She asks, concern lacing her voice.
“Not my own place. New York is too expensive for that, I can make do though. Rent a hostel for a while and then I’ll see. I always figure everything out. Don’t worry about me Gena.” He nods and moves the cup up to his lips, taking a sip.
“What about your parents?” She asks. ‘Makes sense’ Jake thinks, he’s not even 19 but she also didn’t seem too much older than him. Maybe 23 at most. “What about yours?”
“Okay. Don’t wanna talk about it got it.” She says as she salutes to him jokingly and turns around to take off her apron.
“Hey I’ve got an apartment you can use if you want, I’m living with my mom right now she needs some help so my place is empty.” She offers and turns back around to him. He raises an eyebrow at her. “Pretty sure it’s not so smart to offer your whole apartment to me.” He says, not sure why she’d do something so kind for him without even knowing him. He didn’t think 3 months were enough for her to make a judgement on him. He didn’t trust the situation at all. Not even people who knew him were this kind to him.
“I could offer you to sleep in the diner too but I’ve got all my income in a safe here so I’d rather have you rob or set on fire my apartment than my diner.” She says and Jake snorts exaggerated, setting the cup down in front of him.
“So I look like I’d set something on fire?” He asks. “No but you look like you wanted to hear something like that.”
“A reason yes, not random nonsense.” He replies and Gena smirks at him. “Come on Jake I know you by now, you’re a good guy and if I let you live in my place you’d probably even give it back to me cleaner than it was before.” She smirks. “And when I let you stay in my apartment I at least know you won’t fall victim to the streets so that I won’t have to read in the that you’re dead in the newspapers.” She says as she leans back against the counter, watching Jake drink his coffee. “And besides, when I help you you’ll feel more inclined to help me.” She smirks.
“Ah that’s it. Blackmail.” Jake looks up to her and she must’ve thought it was a joke.
He thought he might be judging their relationship differently than she did. Maybe she made friends really easily? Jake didn’t though.
She chuckles while looking at him “something like that, you know I could use some more help around the diner, Fix some water taps, maybe help out one or two shifts again… something like that” she looks at him “only if you want to of course, doesn’t really have anything to do with the apartment you can get it either way. It’d really make me feel a bit better.” She looks at him hopefully, like she’s really got her plate more full than he’d realized and desperately needs someone to take something off of it.
He’d like to help. Jake thinks it would be a good thing and he’d like to do a good thing. That was kinda his whole thing anyways wasn’t it? Trying to help?
Other than that Marc and Steven would have a safe place to stay without having to wonder where to go at the end of every single day… or at least Marc would. Steven was really quiet lately.
“You got my stuff?” He asks her and she nods, quietly disappearing into the back of the diner to grab two duffel bags, the dark blue one he had packed Marc’s clothes and a few essentials into and a bigger black one.
Before they left Chicago he’d went back home one night, basically breaking in at 4am when he was sure both Elias and Wendy were sleeping and he quickly went through Marc’s room, packing up some more important things that he’d felt bad about leaving behind. Some of Stevens favorite books, his Lego pyramid, Marc’s action figure that he had somewhat of a connection to, everything from each of their important drawers and some notebooks from the desk.
The locket Steven had gotten him for their 16th birthday… Marc’s planisphere that he didn’t know Jake knew he didn’t actually throw away. This confusing Egyptian game of Stevens.
He’d brought both bags to Gena last night before switching out with Marc just for safe keeping since he didn’t necessarily have a safe place to stay before. At first he’d take their bags everywhere with them. Or he’d hide them somewhere and then hood nobody would find them. Then he’d keeps them in the rooms of the hostels he booked on days they managed to get a room. Eventually after quite a while he felt it was safe enough to ask Gena to take care of them. And she did.
He finishes the rest of his coffee before getting up from the barstool, stepping away from the counter. “Thanks” he states as he walks over to her, grabbing both bags from her and hoisting them up on his shoulder.
“So…” he starts while looking down at her “where’s this apartment?”
“Sunset park, 44th street” she smiles at him and holds out a keychain to him which he takes from her with a thankful nod of his head. “Just make me a list with what still needs to get done around here.” He finishes as he turns around and walks to the door. He swears he can hear her let out a breath of relief, like a weight was lifted off her shoulders. He smiles softly.
“Thank you Jake… really!” She shouts after him, right as he walks out the door, being quick to make sure he hears her before the door falls shut, he smiles back at her before rounding the corner.
When he finally makes it into the apartment he turns around and locks up behind himself. He looks around. It was small. He didn’t mind it.
The kitchen was a small corner in the room, open to the living room with a brown couch and a small Tv. A couple of magazines and a candle laying around on the wooden coffee table. A beige rug beneath it.
The windows were big, letting in a lot of sunlight to brighten up the room. He liked that.
Plants and random photos and drawings across the walls make it homey and comfortable, adding details that somehow radiate safety.
He walks to the bathroom, it was small as well, not more than what he needed anyways.
The bedroom, also with a big window, has a bed just sort of on the ground right underneath it, it didn’t seem like it had a frame or it was a very slim one, it didn’t matter though, the mattress was so thick that it seemed to be intentional. The duvet blanket so big it hung over the edges, almost touching the old hardwood floor. If he had to guess he’d say it was queen sized, he wasn’t sure though. Guessing bed sizes wasn’t necessarily his field of expertise.
Other than that there was not much to see, a sideboard with a radio, plants and picture frames, a couple of shelves with books and a closet really being the most prominent features in the room.
He puts the bags on the bed, deciding he finally had a place where it was worth unpacking them.
He kept their clothes neatly folded all in one bag, not feeling comfortable to invade her closet without Genas consent.
He put some of their ‘trinkets’ on the sideboard. Some of stevens books went onto the side table next to the bed, the ones he read the most frequently. Marc’s comics next to them.
He grabbed their notebooks from the bag as well.
The orange one that Steven would write his thoughts on his books on, questions that randomly pop into his head or quotes of poetry that he’d liked.
The blue one that Marc would scribble in, he’d make small doodles with pencils or pens, not necessarily good ones though. Sometimes he’d write down things he wanted to remember as well, like when a certain tv show was playing that he didn’t want to miss or where he’d eaten something really good.
Then there was also a dark green one. One that Jake had never seen before.
He opened it, the first page was blank, the second surprising him with a big text.
‘Hey Jake…
Not really sure how to do this here but I talked to Steven and this was the best he could come up with in terms of “well Marc if you don’t know how to bloody talk to Jake then just write him something you plonker!” So now here we are. Me still being a plonker, Steven still sassing me around and you still dormant.
Hey but I’m taking advice from Steven! You’d be proud, I mean you should be right now.. when you’re reading this of course. Improvement and all that right?
I don’t know. This is awkward.
Anyways it’s the day before our 18th birthday… like 11pm or something like that and you haven’t been fronting or close to for the last few days. Usually it doesn’t really bother me, I know you sometimes need a time out, something like that at least. Not a problem at all. We all do, don’t we?
But this time I feel like something really bad is about to happen. And you know I’m not one for intuition or a ‘listen to this little feeling I had’ kind of guy but this is nagging me like crazy. Something just feels off and it feels uncomfortable and scary and I was speaking with Steven and Steven promised he’s fine. And I’m also fine. For the first time since forever I’m really honestly fine.
So now that means you’re left. And I thought ‘wow Marc you’re such an ass’ because I don’t think I’ve ever before truly asked you if you’re okay. Or just how you’re feeling… Even now I do it in a pathetic little letter.
I’m working on myself though I’ll be better I promise.
The point is I feel like you’re not okay. I feel like for a change it’s you that needs us to help Jake and there’s no shame in that, we’d like to be able to help you. I know I can only talk for myself but I just know that Steven feels the same way.
You always save us. In every situation, In every scenario you always come running and save us and we wish that maybe we could save you too, maybe now.
We’d like to give you some of that help back that you give us. Some of that comfort and security. It would only be fair.
You deserve that and so much more from us. From the world actually.
You once said to me that you’d walk through a fire to save our life and I just want you to know that you don’t have to do that alone. You never had to.
I know it didn’t always look like it but I’ll chose life, always, I’ll walk through the fire with you.
I know I’ve made you upset before and… to be fair you’ve also made me upset. But that won’t ever change anything about us. The three of us, we’re always going to be brothers. And no matter how hard you might try to get rid of us we’re always going to be with you. I mean like… literally you cannot escape. Jk…
The point is, we’ll always know you the best, maybe even better than you know yourself and we’ll always tease you about your too big baseball caps and your awful taste in music.
I’m just kidding
We really care for you really damn deeply Jake.
I know you think we don’t or that we shouldn’t because it’s only your job as the oldest brother (still am older than you) but we do. And this time I’m truly fucking worried for you.
In the end all we have is each other.
I want you to know that you can count on us as much as we know we can count on you.
So if you read this and something is going on, know that we’ll do anything to help you.
So yeah… with that being said… I hope you don’t find this too late, I’d show it to you really but I constantly forget stuff you know that and Steven doesn’t know I’m actually doing this so he’s no help either. Just kidding.
I don’t know.
I love you man. Truly.
(Also in case you find this and nothing is up just don’t mention it, that’d make it quite embarrassing)
(Also also don’t dare complain about how long this turned out to be and that you have to read too much idiota)’
He breathes out. Shakes his head, turns the page.
‘Hiya Jake, Steven here. Obviously.
I’m not sure if you’re going to complain about this but Marc was talking to me the other day about how he feels that something is going on with you. Usually he’s always a bit mental, I mean you know him but this time he seemed really bloody worried. His face was all scrunched and frown-y, dunno just seemed really serious to me, y’know?
Yeah and then I woke up and saw this little book here and what he wrote in it and I figure I’ll write you something too. Better safe than sorry right?
Don’t worry it won’t be a whole trilogy love novel like Marc’s text was. Don’t tell him I said that!
So it is now the morning of our birthday so happy birthday mate! Really bloody exciting if you ask me, finally 18 eh?
But we can talk about that in person later.
All I know is that you sleep a lot lately, I know that’s normal for you, you’re by no means an early bird but I just thought that maybe I’m looking at it wrong and you want to be alone. Something like that at least.
If it is something that Marc or I did then you can always tell us. I know you and Marc you’ve been through a really rough patch once before (it was a tad hard to miss while being practically right in the middle of it) but I promise you that will never happen again. It was not only torture for you but also for Marc. And every time that you and I fought I just want to say I’m sorry for that too, we won’t be mad at you or anything. We never truly are and certainly never mean to be. I promise. Neither me nor Marc. We can’t live without you bruv, none of us should live without each other either way. We’re not meant to.
Anyways, if it’s not something that we did then we can still do our best to help you through whatever it might be. It’s okay for you to not always be happy, to not always be strong, to not always give a 100%.
Marc and I can be strong for you when you can’t be. And we’ll be the last to judge you for anything.
I’m rambling on and not really saying anything new by now I know I know.
So to summarize it, we’re ready to listen and to help you, if you’re scared to open up to us you really don’t have to be, we’re here for you.
I hope we can pay you back for all the times you’ve rescued us before. (I know it isn’t a competition but it would be nice to feel like we can protect you too)
Thank you for that by the way mate.
I love you.
P.s. don’t tell Marc but you’re my favorite brother so if you need me to I’ll form an alliance with you against him if he was the one who was mean to you and made you feel bad.’
Jake smiles a bit. It’s not happy. It’s not peaceful.
It’s a desperate attempt for him to hide what he actually feels. That he’s drowning in sorrow. That his throat closed up on him simply from reading these letters and that he’s now trying his hardest not to suffocate.
He rips out the pages, folds them in half twice and puts them in the chest pocket of his jacket, the one on the left side, and closes the button.
He shuts the now empty notebook and walks back to his duffel bag.
He doesn’t think, he doesn’t feel, he just functions, doing whatever is best for Marc and Steven and this was his job now.
The only thing he’d still do was make sure they’re good. Make sure they’re safe.
He’d take care of his brothers and make sure they’d never know anything while he was cursed with memories of a past life and the knowledge that who he once used to be was long gone.
And it was all his fault. His fault alone.
And if one day people describe him as heartless then yeah, they’re right. And this is why.
“Dust to dust, my friend
Well, you're only blood and bones
And I know your heart's at war with your head
I am sure it hurt to see
You're more than I'll ever have
And more than I'll ever be
I know it's a little late
My timing was never great
But I'm calling, dear
I just wanted to let you know
That I won't bother you anymore
I'll be gone this time next year
If you got time enough for me
Sing me a song and send me to sleep
Slip into my headspace while I dream
Spin me a yarn, wrap it up around me
If you got time enough for me
Sing me a song and send me to sleep
I never thought that a lie could sound so sweet
Until you opened your mouth
And you said you loved me”
- Headspace, Lewis Capaldi