Chapter Text
Jeongukkie
When will you be back from work?
Tae♡
Alr back
At a partyyyyyy~
Jeongukkie
Come to my appt! pls?
Tae♡
Naaaa
Theres so many hot gais here
Jeongukkie
But it's my bday
ᴿᵉᵃᵈ
Jeongguk rubs his bleary eyes, sighing. He throws his cell phone back inside his pocket getting up from the couch. It’s been a month since his birthday.A month to those texts. A month to when he was left on read by his best friend. Ex best friend.
Jeongguk wanders around his tiny little apartment. It doesn’t feel like home but this apartment gave him a chance.
He looks around the dining area where his eyes get drawn to the refrigerator near the table. A yellow sticky note pasted on the gray door with letters written in black.
A chance he never had there. In Seoul. He has it now. In Busan
He still remembers that day so vividly. His twenty-fifth birthday. When a very drunk Taehyung was brought to his door by a coworker of the elder. Hoseok was it? Apparently, Taehyung had been cribbin' about Jeongguk constantly, so the man got Taehyung to his Seoul apartment.
That night, when his b’day was just about to be over, drunk and wasted Taehyung had pulled him in a hug ever so tightly, cradling there.
He had found his place between Jeongguk’s shoulders and neck while Jeongguk could only tighten his arms around the waist in an unexplained security that had surrounded him, really, burrowed in closer, even so softly.
“Happy Birthday, Gukkah '' Taehyung had nuzzled in his hair, the elder spoke in a slush. A small smile had taken over, then on Jeongguk’s face, hearing that familiar velvety voice.
“Hyung’s here”, Taehyung had claimed, but Jeongguk had held him firm, feeling his heart thumping steadily in the warm collapse.
Next thing he heard was the wasted man snoring on his shoulder blade. But still gripping on Jeongguk’s sweater,clinging to him close. So close.
The cuckoo clock that Jeongguk had got with his apartment had bursted open its doors, indicating midnight. Or the end of the younger’s birthday.Jeongguk had tucked him into bed, and had put hangover medicines next to him. He slept next to him, knowing his cuddling habits.
The day had ended for Jeongguk and so did his little hope the next morning.
Was it honestly the best?
He wonders now.
Maybe Jeongguk had smiled back then, had let the warmth engulf him, and felt being cherished. But the present Jeongguk,who is currently staring thoughtlessly at his fridge, at the yellow sticky note, would only laugh at him.
Pity him for believing he was ever wanted. The note sticker was his reality.
The very next day, Taehyung had left a sticky note on the table,
Work sucks. Gtg. Belated HBD.
Made you some breakfast
-Tae :)
Jeongguk nearly broke down in that sun in the morning. Taehyung said he was here for him last night, but why did he wake up in a lonely bed.
He had wondered endlessly, why Taehyung was never there when he needed him. When he wanted him to stay.
The younger only realized it more by now. His love wasn’t bringing anything but pain to him. Yet, he had opened his arms for the elder to always run back in them.
That day his hope for anything with Taehyung died a little more.
This present Jeongguk knows it pretty well. Learned it the hard way. Right ones will always be with you even in the hardest times.
Love wasn't supposed to make you feel incomplete. It wasn’t supposed to be tough.
Jeongguk had only been experiencing these emotions since then. For the last three years.
He hysterically throws aways the yellow paper from the gray door into the dustbin.
The gray refrigerator somehow looks transformed. It reminds him about his motive.
This apartment, for which he travelled cities, changed jobs,and left his life in Seoul, was supposed to be the change. It is his new start.
It’s his place and he doesn’t want anything that reminds him of the one.
This new Jeongguk wants to move on.
Jeongguk takes up his apartment keys, finding his way out of the house on the fifth floor.
He takes up the stairs down the road, savouring the fresh air.It distinctly reminds him of an old song, he takes a deep breath, closing his eyes,feeling another wave of cold wind hitting his body,
Country road~ take me home~
To the place I belong~
Busan. It’s his birth land. Vividly reminds him of his childhood here, running around the streets with corn ice cream.
The city has been bright and cloudy but it’s this little town at the seaside of Busan that had made high school Jeongguk’s heart burst with happiness. His father had brought him at that old town once during summer holidays and it had left a deep impression on him that vacation.
And coming here to Nam-gu, after years. This small town in busy Busan after leaving the dim-n-noisy Seoul, it makes him feel like he’ll find that burst of happiness once again. One day, he will.
Jeongguk takes a stroll around the neighbourhood, the evening street lights, intermixing with the stars so high in the sky. It’s not easy to see them in Seoul.
There are millions of stars in the sky, yet, you could only point out a few in the crowded city. But here, it’s shining like the milky way.
It has been around four weeks since he moved here. Jungkook muddles in his thoughts. A lot he left behind, a lot has changed and a lot will change. He feels at peace, taking a walk around from time to time. It doesn’t scare him anymore. He had nothing to lose anymore. Seoul can have his most precious thing.
A ring on his phone halts his legs, trees around him dance with the cool wind but Jeongguk only feels the heat rising in his stomach. He takes out his phone from the back pocket. The call goes silent for a moment,
“Jeongukkie”
Goosebumps rose hearing the voice. Jeongguk feels his legs giving up. His mind reminds him of the reason he came here. But the heart. Oh the petty heart, longs for him too much.
His doe eyes shimmer with something watery but he counters himself, calling it the street light’s reflections.
The last month rolls back like a distant memory to Jeongguk. He still remembers each of his features down and bright. It puzzles him. That face was supposed to bring a scar. That velvety voice was supposed to bring pain and not butterflies. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Seoul didn't have his precious thing.
“Why are you here?” Jeongguk wants to know.
-ッ-
They say the chances of two people meeting each other are equal. And always equally incredible. Jeongguk met Taehyung in the freshman year of university.
And it was indeed incredible. And somehow, In an instant, Taehyung became Jeongguk's most important person.
His favorite Taehyungie-hyungie-hyung.
While Taehyung was a sophomore when Jeongguk became his room-mate.
They had been together since then. A tag of best-friends followed them soon after, and it was not supposed to change.
A happy ever-after.
Was it honestly the best?
Jeongguk would twirl around, spring on his bed, scream his lungs out. Yes. Yes, it was the best.
But they also say, there are five phases of a relationship.
A relationship so complex, could still be broken down into five pieces. It's a mind-blowing research with multiple outcomes yet the order of the stages remains the same.
These five phases, Taehyung and Jeongguk were supposed to live.
Phase1: Momentary Playmates
It all started back in 2017, five years ago. Jeongguk was allotted his dorm room for the semester. Like all the other freshmen, Jeongguk with his bags was lost in the maze of corridors.
“And what must these bambi eyes look for?” Just like that, an eighteen year old Jeongguk was taken aback by the most beautiful specimen he ever saw with those doe eyes. A man with ash gray hair had questioned him.
Tilted his head to look intimidating, narrowed his own almond browns to show power.
In return, Jeongguk stated his new dorm number that he got from the reception. The man had crossed his hand over his chest.
"Okay!” That velvet-deep voice, again, hit Jeongguk’s ear like an unexpected bomb, “Follow me”
Jeongguk did follow him like the lost puppy he was. They took three floors up from the ground, and on the way, the grey-head had introduced himself as a sophomore. Marketing, his major, Taehyung, his name. Kim Taehyung.
They arrived on the third floor, moving down the corridors. Taehyung stopped at one brown door, putting his hands on the hip, as if tired of the stairs.
"Hey?” This is not my number” Jeongguk had taken a look at the number plate. He clutched his bags tightly, confused. But Taehyung only gave him a smile in return. A boxy one.
Shiny enough to brighten the dim corridor. For a moment, everything made sense to Jeongguk.
Everything looked exciting. Incredible.
“Yeah. Because this is my number”, Taehyung had stated nonchalantly as he picked out the keys from his hip pocket, opening the brown dorm room.
The moment where everything made sense came to a wrong reality. His eyes widened, as Taehyung entered inside. Jeongguk pouted in return, realizing he got deceived by a notorious senior.
But what could he have done except turn around, sighing, and find his actual dorm room.
Else, he was sleeping in those murky corridors.
He looked at the unfamiliar hallways, puzzled again, which way to go.
"Hey?” Jeongguk turned at the same velvety voice who called for him again.
“Get in”, Taehyung pointed inside his lighted room from the entrance.
Jeongguk had gulped before speaking, “But this is not my number”, and Taehyung had assured him, with that same box of a smile; the allotted numbers really didn’t matter.
In the end, people would choose their friends .
And that was Jeongguk’s first impression of Taehyung. Mystery.
His actions, his expressions, his words were supposed to confuse you, but Taehyung had the purest smile Jeongguk had ever seen. As if those toothies could lead you to the doors of destiny.
It was so easy to trust Taehyung that Jeongguk agreed to stay with him that evening. It somehow felt so right and stimulating to share the two bedroomed-dorm with him.
Later, Jeongguk had introduced himself and saved Taehyung’s number as “Alien roomie”.
This stage, two people in any sort of relationship form their first impressions of each other. They talk a little, explore a little about themselves, until they are comfortable enough.
Until they become friends.
Phase2: The Euphoric Stage
It’s a stage that most relationships can easily move to except acquaintances. Taehyung and Jeongguk were room-partners.
Taehyung was a literal, metaphorical, synonym of a social being, unlike the younger.He could knock on any stranger’s dorm and ask for a packet of ramen.
So it was as easy as buttering a bread for him to make an introverted person like Jeongguk talk; A very shy bambi-eyed boy, as Taehyung stated the moment Jeongguk entered his two-roomed dorm.
It took at most a week to break the ice until Jeongguk could just walk in his boxers around Taehyung because the elder was kind enough to offer to share a bath together on their second day of being roommates.
Jeongguk obviously panicked and refused. “No, thank you…” Jeongguk had said, “For asking” ,and Taehyung had laughed his ass off.
But that was it. Jeongguk and Taehyung clicked.
They had a lot of things in common, so going out of topics rarely happened. They could speak about their shared classes, walk around the hall-ways, have study sessions before exam days, or challenge each other on the smuggled Play station in their dorm.
It was easy enough for Taehyung to come out to Jeongguk and Jeongguk had reverted back with “kinda same”, They both had bursted in fits of laughter at 2a.m.
That night, they accidentally clicked on gay porn when they were supposed to see a lecture on Gay-Lusaac’s chemsitry law.
They didn’t ever fight but a playful mode of getting to know each other escalated into quite an euphoria.
Ever since, during a talk, Taehyung had found out Jeongguk liked to eat, so he made it his mission to try each and every restaurant nearby with the younger.
Sometimes, the younger would be pressured by the uni but Taehyung would find him ways to make things easier, motivate him, tell him what he needed to hear.
Sooner, The elder by two, made him speak out his thoughts, act in the weirdest drama scene, sing the most boring song, but Taehyung would only compliment his singing skills, threaten him to get into dance club asap, point where his acting could improve.
It felt nice when freshman Jeongguk would accomplish something he truly wanted and return to the dorm with news. It was the best feeling to see Taehyung break into his boxy smile for Jeongguk. It felt so easy and complete.
In a year, Taehyung found a way to Jeongguk’s heart. His favourite part was those nights when Taehyung would look into his eyes and slowly fall asleep.
He wouldn’t blink but look in his black doe-s as if they were holding stars, as if it made him feel safe and peaceful.
As if nothing could go wrong this way.
And in this stage, even if Jeongguk got hurt when Taehyung forgot to invite him to a party he organised, even if sometimes Taehyung would leave him midway during lunch hours to talk to other friends of his, or even if Jeongguk walked on Taehyung sitting on someone else’s lap, kissing like the world was about to end, that too, in their shared dorm.
Jeongguk was ready to forgive him.
Even if his heart was tainted with pain that he couldn't define, Taehyung knew Jeongguk so well that he would find a way back to him.
They became roommates to friends.
And by the end of year, Jeongguk was content that Taehyung decided to spend his birthday only with him and nobody else; this stage had ended on a good note and on a good friendship.
Was it honestly the best?
Jeongguk had saved the elder’s contact as “Taehyungie hyungie”
P hase3: The Early Attachment
In simple terms, this stage talks about besties.
Indeed, the unconscious attraction has been present since phase one. But by this stage, the more rational part of the brain starts functioning. In short, there are types of feelings that evolve.
Taehyung and Jeongguk were attached to the hip. The elder entered Junior high, and found himself struggling to cope with the uni.
At nights, he would slip in Jeongguk’s bed, claiming, “It’s so tough, Gukkie '' and throw his legs and hands all over the younger.
Jeongukk realized Taehyung liked to cuddle, and as much as he knew Taehyung was touchy with almost everyone and not only him.
A sense of pride rose inside his stomach that he was the only one who could hold Taehyung at nights.
Jeongguk complied to his needs. Jeongguk listened to those rants keenly. Jeongguk started to find ways to make Taehyung happy, and put on that lovely boxy smile of his.
Initially, they wouldn't lie, it was a mess.
Taehyung had mailed the younger, asking him to be his room-mate again for the year and Jeongguk had laughed from the next room at his cheekiness.
He mailed him “affirmative” the very next second.
But it was a mess, when their schedules were totally opposite. Taehyung would have early morning classes while Jeongguk wouldn't wake up until afternoon.
Although Jeongguk, a Computer Science major, found Sophomore easy, Taehyung feeling the pressure of uni, consequently increased with him sliding inside the younger's sheet like his own bed pretty much every night. Jeongguk found out he liked when someone’s breath falls on his nape.
“Fridays are chicken and movie night,” Taehyung made a rule on one of these messy days after returning from uni. He straight away collapsed on Jeongguk who was already lying on the couch.
Jeongguk had wrapped a hand around his waist, and another ruffling the elder’s soft gray locks, he had whispered a small, “Okay”, to him. Taehyung had slept peacefully that night.
Soon, they were accustomed to the year’s schedule. While Taehyung would sometimes cook blueberry pancakes,Jeongguk’s favorite, or buy Kimchi stew for breakfast for the younger.
They both would get back to their home in time for dinner and had it together.
Also during this year, Jeongguk discovered his outgrowing love for the gym. It became his routine to hit the gym daily.
Jeongguk, growing bust and bulky, made him a love interest for many of his year students. But having Taehyung hold his biceps, going “wow”, “damn”, press it like a stress ball, “so cool, Gukkie” acted as the best motivation.
The year was about to end with Taehyung making Jeongguk from a busan man to a Seoul man.
He made sure Jeongguk could have the taste of the wild Seoul parties, even though he’ll sit in one corner and would just look at Taehyung dancing with strangers from afar.
But a sense of protectiveness also grew; Jeongguk would slide a hand around the elder’s waist if someone tried to dance too close and made Taehyung uncomfortable. (Fun fact: drunk Taehyung gets clingy to Jeongguk, so he has to be there to hold him up.)
Or if someone would try to hit on Jeongguk, Taehyung would appear out of nowhere and get him out of the situation.
Jeongguk would smile and follow wherever Taehyung would take.
Sometimes they both would stroll around the Han river, sometimes they would go bike riding.
There were moments they both started cherishing, where they could talk about their past when they hadn’t met.
They were comfortable enough to talk about the future, including each other. It didn’t feel too much. It didn’t feel wrong.
It didn’t feel wrong when Taehyung had hugged him all night, let him sob all over his shoulder, and kept him as close as possible. “My sensitive baby star candy”, Taehyung had whispered mully in his ear.
Jeongguk was sensitive, he felt more than he spoke and losing his Gureum in Busan impacted him till Seoul.
Having Taehyung next to him was all he ever needed at that moment.
And it was one of these instances, when Jeongguk had brought pizza and Taehyung welcomed him with the warmest hug, “You're my best friend for life, Gukkie”.
Somehow, Jeongguk felt he had a new purpose for life. And the more he had, the more he wanted.
2019 came in no time. In other words, Jeongguk had entered junior high. He realized what “It’s tough Gukkie” had meant. Because no kidding, the list for projects was never ending. But this also meant Taehyung's senior year.
In short, his last year.
Not only they had recognised each other as best friends, the campus labelled them as #BFFs too.
Their dorm wasn’t just a dorm anymore. Jeongguk would announce “He’s home” or Taehyung would offer, “Welcome home Gukkie”.
It was a home they built for three years.
And as they say, time span doesn’t matter with the right person. Jeongguk had never felt how the clock ticked every second when he was with his sweet home.
The semester had begin when Jeongguk visited his hometown in long; it felt nice to be back but a part of him was always wandering around Seoul.
Usually, he would visit Busan for a day or two, however, this time He came home to Seoul after a week; but the day he returned, the roller coaster finally hit him.
He tried to enter the dorm quietly when Taehyung was already there engulfing him into a hug,
“I missed you”, he had claimed next to Jeongguk’s earlobe. The younger had closed his eyes and whispered, “me too”. His missing piece of Seoul.
They broke out of the embrace a little while later, when the younger’s eyes widened,
Surprised, amazed. Taehyung looked so beautiful with just one damned change.
“Woah” Jeongguk stared at him with dangling stars, “When did you do this?”
Taehyung had shyly looked down, knowing the younger liked his new brown hair. “Just yesterday” Indeed the gray suited him, but he wanted something to change in his life.
So why not hair? Something that he only wished to change was still far away.
“Why”, Jeongguk asked nonchalantly.
Taehyung looked at him with that boxy smile of his that even made Jeongguk smile wider, he daintily pushed one of the strands behind his ear, “Seojoon suggested”.
Jeongguk's expressions unconsciously began to shift.
Park SeoJoon. Wasn’t he that sexy popular guy from the drama major? That everybody liked in an immediate sense.
It’s said he has won the “Hot-shot and Great-bod” title since freshman year.
That name prompted this weird feeling of jealousy in Jeongguk.
And as far as he remembered, Seojoon and Taehyung only interacted once despite being in the same year.
He looked away from Taehyung, still holding his bags from the trip.
Taehyung had seemed to understand something was off, when he had worriedly asked, “Do you not like it, Gukkie?” He stepped towards the latter, “I can change them back if you want-”
Jeongguk lips curved, when his hands, as if on automission, moved to ruffle Taehyung’s newly dyed hair, “I love it, Tae”, he had said, keeping his posture calm.
“Just a lil tired”, he had lied to Taehyung for the first time. Because looking at Taehyung would always boost his energy.
The elder had taken his bags and strolled him back to his room. “Rest a lil”, he said cutely,
“I got your fav for dinner” And if it wasn’t Fried chicken, Jeongguk had somehow lost his appetite for the night.
Later, Taehyung slipped inside his bed like the usual days but unusually demanded that night, “Can you play with my hair?”.
Jeongguk didn’t say anything but did what he was asked. Any color of hair, Taehyung was beautiful. Even bald, Taehyung was the most handsome person for Jeongguk.
So handsome that Jeongguk would stare at his face for hours until he could locate each of the elder’s chocolate moles. So handsome that Jeongguk would rub the pad of his thumb on Taehyung’s nose and brush it with delicacy.
That night too, Jeongguk stared at him when Taehyung fell asleep in his arms. He cherished those little moles scattered on his eyes, nose and lips. He cherished Taehyung.
But why was he feeling jealous of Seojoon? Why did he somehow feel challenged in ways? Why does Taehyung hanging out with Seojoon when Jeongguk wasn’t there didn't feel right at all?
He was scared. A fear of apprehension. That night, in one of his introspective thoughts, Jeongguk had claimed that he was,really, jealous of Seojoon.
Taehyung could have asked him about a new hair dye rather than that hot-dude.
Aren’t best friends supposed to do that? Ask anything, speak whatever?
Was he scared of being replaced? Yes.
He was afraid of losing Taehyung. Call him possessive but not having Taehyung as his best friend ran a chill to his bones.
As the night grew deeper, so did Jeongguk’s mind. He twisted his body until he could see Taehyung face to face. His eyes fell on those pump pink lips of the elder, so plush and inviting that Jeongguk realized his need for more had outgrown him.
Taehyung was his best-friend but if he lost him, he was losing something more too. It scared the shit out of him. Jeongguk ran a loose hand in the elder's silky, now brown, locks.
Not lying, he loves the new hair colour. But they made him realise, he loves Taehyung more. So much that imagining a life without him is like walking deep in a grave.
He adores Taehyung a lot but now understands that loving him isn’t just platonic. He loves him. Romantically.
He loves Taehyung.
A phase where feelings develop. Early attachment. Most of the feeling would just be enough that everything would stay the same, best friends, they’d stay the same for years.
But in this case, Now, that the feelings did develop but not in a very friendly way but more of everything.
Jeongguk had fallen for Taehyung in blind light and getting out of it meant losing him and losing himself. What comes after is, if the feelings are reciprocated in the same intensity or not?
If a relationship reaches this stage, it is meant to reach the next phase: The crisis.
Was it honestly the best?
Jeongguk was yet to find out.
-ッ-
The wind slushing him while he murmurs the lyrics of that song, Jeongguk finds solace here, in Busan’s Nam-gu; Far away from the menacing, noisy metropolitans.
The phone rings louder in his pocket when he halts midway, taking it out to answer.
The humming sound of the wind that keeps touching his face gets disrupted by crescendo running steps, getting louder every second.
He pressed the phone to his ear, “Hello?”
A pair of footsteps stops directly in front of him.
Jeongguk looks up, he had recognised the steps already but refused to believe. The second his eyes looks at the silhouette of a man in black hair, dressed warmly for the weather, with a blue scarf on, Jeongguk knew it.
“Jeongukkie”, that man calls for him, a voice so velvety and pleading that it makes Jeongguk closes his eyes. He can’t look at his face. But his mind reminds him of every chocolate mole there. He wants to run away, again.
His intellect, however, again reminds him of the song he was singing back earlier,
Country home~ Take me home~
His home.
“I’ll call you back, hm?”, he says on the phone, before hanging up. He shuts his eyes harder, feeling a burning sensation there and a similar pain near his chest. He feels, behind the closed orbs, that the man is taking breaths, staring at him, wanting him to say something.
Jeongguk feels his heartbeat pacing over and over again with overwhelming emotions, “Why are you here?” He questions; voice dipping a higher audible.
“It’s the thirteenth of the month.” His eyes open in instance upon hearing Taehyung.
He still looks the same, like that day in his office, a month ago. He still looks like he simply doesn't care.
“It doesn’t matter anymore” Jeongguk states as a matter of fact, facing the trees behind Taehyung who stands right in front of him.
A moment later, the eyes that were looking for Jeongguk’s doe ones move to the ground, he looks so feeble like this, like a little bird trapped in a cage. And Taehyung is supposed to be carefree, fly in the sky of his own will. He looks like he really needs a hug from his best friend.
Jeongguk isn't his best friend anymore.
The younger doesn’t do anything like he did all those years ago. Confide in Taehyung's needs. He keeps staring at the trees, the small buildings nearby, feeling the rapid pulse from time to time.
Taehyung is barely audible, hands are crossed in front of his thighs, a brown luggage standing next to him, he wonders lowly,
“Where did we go wrong?”