Chapter Text
It felt like an eternity waiting for Kaeya to make it upstairs. Nerves attacked his already weakened body and Diluc felt uneasy. He laid back on his pillows, staring aimlessly at the ceiling. All the while savoring the faint valberry taste on his tongue. His whole world was spinning. So many things were happening all at once. His fever was still taxing, taking a toll on his mental and physical health. A recent development with his now lover shocked him to his core. And now, he and Kaeya were finally going to talk. Face to face, in the comfort of their once shared home. Just them.
It terrified Diluc.
Diluc had thought through this talk a thousand times. It was the single scenario that clung to his mind while traveling. Sometimes, it would all end as it did back then; scars, blind rage, scarlet hands, and desperate screaming. Other times, Diluc was a sobbing mess in his brother's arms. He would never openly admit this, but in the desolate, barren lands of Snezhnaya, Diluc would pretend Kaeya was holding him. Face pressed against the cool metal of his uniform, safe and secure in the arms of his most trusted friend…his brother.
What a fantasy.
Kaeya’s soft footsteps down the hallway brought Diluc out of his reminiscing. His head snapped up just as Kaeya appeared in the doorway.
He looked…disheveled. If there’s one thing the Cavalry Captain was, it was put together. Typically, his hair was meticulously cared for, his straps and belts and fur collar all held securely in place. This Kaeya looked scared…younger. His hair was unbrushed, damp, and tangled over his shoulder. His hands shook by his sides- Diluc knew it was a telltale sign of his anxiety. That shaking spoke louder than words, often because Kaeya went mute when he was overwhelmed. Diluc hoped he hadn’t put Kaeya in such a state yet again.
“Well well,” Kaeya remarked. “You have certainly seen better days.”
Diluc sighed, partially relieved he had found the courage to speak first. “You haven’t seen yourself this morning, Kaeya.”
Kaeya gasped. “That’s a low blow Diluc! I sacrificed my beauty sleep just to check on you and I don’t even get a smidge of gratitude?! How rude.”
“Nevermind, get out,” Diluc said. Kaeya laughed and took a seat on the end of the bed, knowing he didn’t mean it.
“Not after I’ve come all this way! I’m staying put until dinner at least.”
Diluc chuckled. “Oh of course. So, did word get out I’m ill?”
“Haha, not quite. Nobody back in town knows of your illness. I had a feeling you’d probably be late to the tavern, seeing as you had your little date with Zhongli. The night drew on and you still weren’t there. I had this really bad feeling, deep inside me, that something wasn’t right. So, I stayed at the tavern until closing time.
“After that, I scoured the rooftops for any sign of our beloved Darknight Hero. Nothing. I ended up spending the whole night up. Took a shift at the front gates around three and you were nowhere to be found. I went and woke Sister Rosaria up around five and convinced her to accompany me.”
“Oh…” Diluc wasn’t expecting that response. He had no idea his absence would shake Kaeya that way. Kaeya just shrugged, but Diluc could tell he was exhausted.
Diluc’s congested breathing and the soft creak of the roof were the only sounds in the room. Kaeya idly made ice shards in his palm, but the shakiness of his hands made them misshapen.
“How’d you like the juice?” He asked, twirling the ice shards around.
“It was good…reminded me of old times.”
Kaeya chuckled. “You mean that silly trip with father, right? I remember how excited we were. Didn’t catch a wink of sleep that night.” Diluc glanced over, catching a small smile spreading across Kaeya’s face, drowned in the deep sea of his hair. It was almost a childlike grin, filled with wonder, but there was this bittersweet feeling to it all. That grin just flickered on his face like lightning across an evening sky, disappearing in a blink or you’ll miss it moment. It turned to a sad smile, coated with nostalgia. “We had adventure packs and everything, like proper little adventurers.”
“Speak for yourself,” Diluc said, hoping that flash of a grin he saw wasn’t just a feverish vision. “I packed my bag full of books and drawings. Nothing in there could’ve helped me in the mountains.”
“Ah, seems we all can’t be natural adventurers. However, it’s in my blood”
“What? No way.”
“Remember my pirate lineage, Diluc? I was practically a master at adventuring from birth.”
Diluc rolled his eyes. “Oh right, how could I forget the eyepatch you somehow inherited.”
“Don’t roll your eyes at me, you’re just jealous you didn’t inherit anything cool.”
“Yeah whatever, like we aren’t both sitting in the entire manor I inherited,” Diluc said. “Anyways, it’s been a long while since I’ve had valberry juice.”
“Really? The bottle I found seemed rather new. It was in the very back of the cupboard but didn’t have any dust on it. No yellowing on the label either.”
Of course, he’d notice that. “Yeah, I…” There was no point in lying now, just tell the truth. “I replace the juice frequently. It doesn’t have a very good shelf life, so whenever it’s about to go bad I…bring them to the tavern or father’s grave. Sometimes I drop a few off at the Cat’s Tail for Diona.”
Kaeya only stared at him, a numb shock painted on his face. “Do you make it yourself every time?”
“Yes, I go to harvest the berries and juice them every season. It…it’s a little silly, but it makes me feel closer to father and…”
“I understand,” Kaeya says. “I do similar things.”
“…you do?”
“Of course. Remember those stories father gave us? I’ve told Klee all of them, hoping that I’m passing on that same joy and world of imagination he gave us.”
Diluc felt acid spread through his stomach. It crept up his throat, seeped into his bloodstream. He could say ‘us’, so easily. Diluc couldn’t even get the nerve up to admit he kept that juice freshly stocked because of Kaeya, just in case he ever decided to stay again, just in case he ever got the nerve to let him back home. He couldn’t tell Kaeya that just seeing him in the manor made him feel guilty, sick to his stomach as he remembered that night.
He covered his face with hot, sweaty palms. “Awful…”
“What was that?”
“I’m…awful. You’d think after four years I would have grown more, but I’m still just as scared and lost as I was back then.”
Diluc could feel Kaeya’s icy eyes boring into him. “Where’s this coming from Diluc? Is this your fever talking?”
“No! It’s not, this is me talking, I need to talk, I need to apologize, I need-“
“What you need is to take a deep breath,” Kaeya said, shifting nervously on the bed. He eyed Diluc’s vision on the bedside table. “We’ll talk about this at a different time-“
“Kaeya, we never do. It’s been 2 whole years since I returned and all we do is avoid this conversation like the plague, but it needs to happen, now.”
“What conversation is there to have? I already know you hate me-“
“I DON'T,” Diluc said, harsher than he meant to. “I…I don’t, I never have. If anything…you should be the one hating me.”
“What is that even supposed to mean?”
“I took everything from you, Kaeya, I took it all and burned it to the ground. You didn’t deserve that. I know you didn’t, I knew even then that it was too much but I was enraged and I take all the blame for my acti-“
“I never blamed you for what happened.”
Diluc went rigid. It was as if time had stopped. He removed his hands to see Kaeya glancing up at him, his dewy blue eye holding unfathomable truths.
“Kaeya, there’s no need to-“
“I’m not lying. Just…listen to me Diluc.”
With a shaky breath, Diluc nodded and sat back against the bed.
“You’ve always been temperamental. Acting upon your first instincts, whether that’s striking someone down or rushing in recklessly to save another. This makes you strong, but it also makes you weak. You get confused, and overwhelmed, and the scale tips. Suddenly, the world's up in flames…I disrupted your delicate balance. In the end, it all came down to my poor timing. It was almost like I was…asking for it, telling you when I did. I could see you were already broken but everything had just shattered for me. Before I knew it, I was telling you and-“ Kaeya paused, a hand lifting to touch his eyepatch. “-well…the rest’s history.”
Although he breathed in and out slowly, Diluc could see Kaeya’s hand clenched so tight against the blanket his knuckles were growing white. He put a clammy hand over Kaeya’s, feeling him flinch back.
“Kaeya…you can’t blame yourself for all that’s happened…”
Kaeya laughed, a sob escaping his throat. “Who else can I blame? I was the catalyst, if I’d never come around then-“
The grip on his hand tightened and he was pulled into a hug. Diluc held him close, as if he could squeeze all the bad thoughts out if he was strong enough. Kaeya tried to pull away but Diluc kept his grip, unwavering.
“Diluc you don’t have to-“
“Shush.”
“If this is out of pity, I don't need it,” Kaeya snapped. “I don’t-“
Diluc held him closer. “I said shush.”
Kaeya gave in, his head going limp against his brother’s shoulder. Diluc’s hold was unbelievably warm, almost humid. He knew Diluc was sick and that he would never hug him for real, this must’ve been some fever hallucination…but Kaeya savored this. It had been years since he’d been hugged by family and he didn’t know when the opportunity would arise again.
“I’m not good with words,” Diluc started. “But you’re giving yourself far too much credit for what happened. You didn’t have any ill intent.”
“Diluc, you know what I am-“
“And I don’t give a damn. You didn’t tell me your lineage as part of some malicious plot. You were scared and lost. The guilt must’ve been killing you after that long. I…I know that when I left, you stayed at the manor.”
Kaeya froze in his hold.
“Adelinde and Elzer sent me letters. They told me that you stayed in your old room, and had all your favorite dishes from back then… as nothing had changed. When I read that, it broke me. Made me feel something for the first time in months…regret, shame, guilt…loss. I was awful to you. The way I lashed out was uncalled for.”
“I deserved-“
“You didn’t deserve even a scrape on the knee. God, you just wanted someone to listen. And I tore you apart, Kaeya. I stripped you from your life, from your family, and your home, I tossed you out onto the street bleeding and scarred. I left you in your time of need. I stood before you and I wanted nothing more than to…kill you…and…and you almost died and it is the single thing that’s kept me awake at night for years,” Diluc said, his voice breaking. “You didn’t deserve that…you don’t. Don’t ever say you deserve to die or that everything is your fault because it isn’t, it never could be, not when those very words are the ones I’ve been repeating in my head like a prayer every morning and night! I tore you apart. I’m so sorry Kaeya…I’m so sorry.”
Diluc’s fingers dug into the fur on Kaeya’s shoulders. His voice came out loud and strangled, his throat sore and his eyes wet. Kaeya just stared out the window. The sun was surely shining all across Mondstadt.
“I need you.” Diluc sobbed, holding Kaeya impossibly close like if he even gave him a chance, he’d vanish or run or turn into snow and melt with the bright morning sun. “I need you Kaeya, I can’t do it without you, I can’t live on if you’re not here. You are so important to all of us, everyone you know, no matter what cards you were dealt. You’re my family and I would never in a million years want to see you hurt again. Not by my hand. I’ve been sick, twisted, evil. I’ve done awful things, but I feel the worst was holding a weapon against you, fatally swinging down my sword, and permanently scarring you. I am so sorry Kaeya. I know you forgive me or you say you do, but I shouldn’t even be allowed back in your life after what I’ve done.”
Tears streamed down his face as he buried his face in Diluc’s braid. He cried. He cried all the tears he wanted to that night Crepus died when pure shock stood him still. He cried all the tears he held in when he saw Klee smile at him the same way Diluc used to. He cried and he cried and he knew his brother was doing the same.
“I..” Kaeya began.
His voice was small, weak, beaten down, and broken. Waterlogged with tears, he choked as he tried to speak. “I…”
An abandoned child, cold and shivering on a less traveled path. Crouching in the foreign grass as it whipped against his face. Holding his hood tight as the wind and rain stung, further cementing that feeling that he was unwelcome, for not even the wind treated him kindly.
Staring down that dark, desolate road. Hoping, waiting, anticipating the return of that dim lantern light his father had held. Teeth mashed together in fear at every sound.
A warm hand, extended from the darkness. So large it could’ve swallowed the child whole, but it only aided him, guided him to the light. Pulled him into an embrace so warm and loving he nearly fought back, for it wasn’t meant for him, it couldn’t be.
His other half resided in that light, someone who he could truly feel welcome with. Someone who believed in him, even when he failed to speak or struggled to understand. They grew stronger together, grew older, wiser.
It all changed when that kind, large, warm hand fell to the mud, cut from its source. He couldn’t hide from who he was before, that lost child, unwanted by the wind, left on a mission he now felt was impossible.
Half of him was torn away that night. Swords clashing, blind anger. White hot pain spreading through his body as he fell to the ground, screaming, clutching his face. Staring up through bloodied fingers to a looming figure, illuminated only by his rage. He stared up, searching, hoping for a familiar warmth to be found in that fire, but it only stung.
Ice coated his heart. He froze himself behind layer and layer, walls of ice erupting around all that was secret, all that was weak. The child was now only half of a soul, the other lost in the storm. He wanted to cry, cry and scream and run after his other half, grasping at air. But you can’t cry frozen tears. He mourned in isolation.
“I want my brother back…that’s all I want…”
***
Morning dew coated the green expanses of the winery. It caught in the light, little shimmering sparks like stars in the grass. Birds chirped overhead as Adelinde made her way back to the winery, the ends of her dress damp with morn.
It wasn’t yet 8:30, but Adelinde simply couldn’t relax. She had tried napping, but she only stared up at her ceiling wondering what state Diluc was in now. She tried idly tidying up her house, hoping that his condition hadn’t worsened in the time she was gone. It took knocking a glass over and shattering it for Adelinde to realize she was getting nowhere by just distracting herself. She must go back, now, and ensure he was alright.
This was the role that Crepus had left her with after all. She was all the boys had left, the only unchanged person from their youth, a reminder their childhood wasn’t just a dream. It felt wrong to leave Diluc alone, especially when he was ill.
When she made her way back to the main path, she noticed two pairs of footprints pressed into the mud. They led towards the manor and weren’t ones she immediately recognized. Panicked, Adelinde ran to the front door, slamming it open. Her eyes darted down to the boots left by the door, caked with mud and dirt.
Rosaria looked up from her spot on the couch. “Oh, you’re back early.”
“Why are you-”
“Isn’t it obvious? We came to see Diluc, everyone else is upstairs.”
Everyone…else. Adelinde looked back at the muddy shoes and noticed the almost diamond-like accents on them, dirtied jewels hanging down from the ankles. She kicked off her shoes, tossed them over with the rest, and ran upstairs. Family portraits hanging on the wall zoomed past as she nearly tripped over her feet, leaning on the handrail, seeing only red and blue.
When she made it to the top of the stairs, someone stood before her. Adelinde glanced up to see Zhongli. He pressed a finger to his lips and pointed down the hallway. Soft sobbing could be heard from Diluc’s room.
“Is everything ok?” She whispered. Zhongli just smiled and nodded. Quietly, they walked towards the bedroom. They paused outside the door frame for just a second and then-
“Adelinde, please enter.”
She froze. And then, very slowly, peaked into the room.
It felt like she was transported back in time. Diluc and Kaeya were hugging, perched nearly on the edge of the bed. Snot and tears covered their faces and over Kaeya’s thick fur collar, Adelinde could see Diluc’s face was still that sickly shade of pink, eyes reddened by crying. He was patting Kaeya’s back as he held him, just like he always used to do when he would skin his elbow or have a nightmare of some other world, lost to time.
Shakily, she stepped into the room. “Master Diluc, I-“
“Aw come now Adelinde.” Kaeya turned, wiping away tears on his sleeve. “A family hug isn’t complete without you, after all.”
A second passed. Then, she quickly wrapped both of them into a big hug. The maid in her itched to sanitize the second she felt Diluc’s clammy skin, mind jumping to how both she and Kaeya would likely be sick later. However, her other side, the Adelinde that raised these boys, watched over them in the best and worst of times, knew how important this moment was…for all three of them.
She let out a soft sob. “Welcome back…Master Kaeya.”
And with that, the tears began again.