Chapter Text
there have been many times where I've been so close to doing the very same thing
embracing that same violent, self-destructive end
and-maybe-one day, when I no longer have a purpose
I'll do just that
Nina sat on the couch in her living room, staring down at the floor as she listened to the soft whisper of the second-hand from the clock on the wall. If she looked up at it, she would probably discover that she'd been like this for only five minutes, maybe less.
...but it felt so much longer than that...
Johan had taken a seat on this same couch, waiting for her in silence with a vacant expression, as Nina went about making arrangements. Calling her work. And packing a few small things as she placed the bag on the floor next to the front door of her apartment before going to sit with her brother.
And when she'd sat down, she felt Johan almost immediately reach for her hand again-like he'd finally allowed himself to do at the café-as he interlaced his longer fingers with hers. When she took his hand, placing it on her thigh as she began to form absent circles with the tip of her thumb, Nina felt him infinitesimally lean into her. It was hard to tell, though-with as close together as they were right now-which one of them needed this comforting touch more. And they'd been sitting like that-together on the couch in silence-for the past five minutes, give or take. Not saying a word to each other. Not speaking.
...Nina didn't even dare to glance up from the floor to look at him...
She was afraid that-if she did-her heart would literally shatter into pieces. That she would end up crying, and not be able to stop.
And she simply couldn't do that to Johan. Not now. Not when he so desperately needed her to be the strong one.
But-despite the intimate silence in this room-the thoughts in her head were so loud. Almost violently so.
...if you know...
...really know...
...you won't ever look at me the same way again...
...
...you've no idea just how much I despise myself, Nina...
...and...
...I really don't want you to know...
A shiver ran through her body, and Johan must have felt it, because he leaned in just a bit closer to her. And Nina's eyes fluttered closed against the warmth his body provided with how close he was to her. Nina felt the threat of tears as they began to well up in her eyes as they quickly fluttered open again to stare at the floor.
No...
She couldn't cry.
Not when her tears held the possibility of making her brother feel even worse than he already did...
With the release of a cleansing sigh from her nose, Nina decided that she would save her tears and find a more appropriate time-later-to process her own feelings. Because it wouldn't do her brother any good at all if they were both to break.
As the front door to her apartment came open, disturbing this silence, Nina actually found herself grateful for the intrusion. Because she needed an outlet-a way release some of this pressure and feel something other than this crippling pain in her chest.
...she wanted to replace the pain with something else...
When Bastian slowly made his way into the living room-obviously tired from the day's work-their eyes met. And it must have been the look on her face that startled him, before she watched his warm brown eyes dart from her face, to her brother's absent presence, back to her face with a look of shocked confusion.
“...Nina..?” Bastian asked through the furrow of his brows as he took another, almost cautious, step into their living room. “Is-” He paused, eyes darting again before they narrowed on her. “is everything okay?”
“I could ask you the very same thing.” Nina spat, unable to help the anger that crept into her voice.
And she saw how Bastian's expression now became thoroughly confused. This only seemed to stoke the fire of Nina's anger.
“Johan told me everything, Bastian.” She said from her place on the couch as she continued to hold her brother's hand. “And you knew..?” The ache in her voice was made apparent with the knit of her brows as she held Bastian's perplexed stare from across the room.
“Nina, dear. Please.” Johan lightly interjected, though his voice seemed to hold little power over her emotions. “Don't be too cross with him.” He said, not looking at either one of them. “We already talked about this.” He uttered in a hollow whisper. “I was the one who told Bastian not to say anything to you-”
“Johan.” Nina groaned. “Please, just stop.” She said before gently removing her hand from his and standing from her seat on the sofa, her eyes locked on her boyfriend.
“Nina, I really don't understand what's going on, here.” Bastian admitted through a furrowed gaze and twitch of his head. “What are you talking about?” But before Nina could open her mouth to respond, it was her brother who spoke again in that soft, delicate voice from where he remained sitting on the couch.
“All I did was simply take your advice, Bastian-” Nina heard her brother say as Bastian's gaze came drawn to him from over her shoulder. “I finally told Nina the truth.” Johan said in a light voice. “And you were right.” He uttered with the shift of his voice in a low, breathy whisper. “I feel so much better for it.”
“Nina-” Bastian's voice came strained with his expression as his eyes darted back to her face. “What's he talking about?”
“Really, Bastian?” Nina quipped in a sharp tone, anger in her eyes. “So when exactly were you planning on telling me that my brother came to you, saying he wanted to kill himself?”
Silence.
It was the shocked silence that hit Nina first. Hard.
...then...
“WHAT?!” Bastian loudly balked, taken completely off guard by this accusation as Nina carefully studied his expression.
At first, it was completely shocked. Almost panicked. And so confused.
Then Bastian's gaze flit past her shoulder-to Johan, Nina assumed-before his wide eyes quickly darted back to her. And then Nina watched-in horror-as all of the color in his face seemed to leave Bastian entirely. As if he finally understood what she was talking about.
“So it's true...” This parted her lips in an anguished gasp before her voice grew in strength and heat with an edge of anger. “You knew!” Nina snapped as she held Bastian's guilty expression. “And you didn't tell me?!”
She was going to cry.
Right in front of both of them.
She knew it.
So Nina did the only thing she could think of, and turned away from Bastain to go into their kitchen. And-of course-Bastian followed her with a cry of his own.
“Nina!” She heard him call after her. “It wasn't like that!” He said as they both reached the other room and she swiftly turned on him.
“So he's lying?!” Nina blurted out in a bewildered, angry voice-not giving him the chance to respond. “And what was it like, exactly!?” She demanded while she braced the small of her back on the counter as she glared at him.
“Nina-” Bastian groaned in a desperate pleading tone before he was heartlessly interrupted.
“No!” Nina shouted, pain in her voice and behind her blue eyes. “You look me in the eye, Bastian!” She demanded. “And you swear to me that you didn't know anything about this!”
“There's more to it than that.” Bastian defended himself in a helpless voice as he held Nina's angry glare.
“So he did tell you.” Nina countered, and Bastian's lips drew into a thin, taut line before he answered.
“Yes.” He finally admitted as one of his hands went to brush along the back of his neck as his gaze finally dropped to the floor. “In a way, I guess.” Bastian stammered as his voice became helpless and confused. “I don't know. Maybe?”
“And you didn't think to tell me?” Nina cried in a voice twisted in pain, rather than anger.
Then Nina felt it happen.
The anger finally subsided.
And she couldn't breathe.
Nina quickly turned to grip the kitchen counter and brace herself as this crippling anguish took hold of her once more, and her brother's tortured voice filled her mind.
'I've been horribly depressed for years, now.'
'I never planned to say anything. I didn't want you to know.'
'but...recently...it's gotten worse.'
'...much worse...'
'I've actually tried to take my own life.'
...
'The first time I gave serious consideration to ending my life, I went to the grocery store and purchased a bottle of bleach with the intent to drink it.'
...
'But...the first time I actually tried-was in my apartment. I took half a bottle of pills with a bottle of alcohol. Instead of dying, I became so violently sick. I threw up everything, then passed out in my bathroom. I woke up the next morning, and went to take my exam. I was so ashamed. So embarrassed. I didn't know what else to do...'
...
'...no...'
'I don't have a gun.'
'But-'
'I know where to easily find one.'
...
Nina
Please
...
...don't hate me...
“Johan-” Nina gasped her brother's name with such anguish as his words gave way to these gruesome images.
Because Nina couldn't even begin to fathom how someone as beautiful and brilliant as her brother-who had his whole life ahead of him-could hate himself that much.
How he'd been in so much pain-suffering like this in silence for so long-and how she hadn't even known about it.
How could she not know?
...what kind of a sister did that make her..?
Then, to find out that Bastian had known.
...and kept it from her..?
This seemed to make the situation so much worse.
“Nina, I'm so sorry.” She heard Bastian's voice close behind her as she squeezed her eyes tightly shut while the first tears made their escape from between her long lashes.
“What if he'd never come back from Munich?” She gasped. “What if he'd actually-” Nina couldn't even finish these words as she hung her head and her hair cascaded over her shoulders. “He's the only family that I have, Bastian.” Nina cried as she finally allowed herself to sob over the sink.
“I know.” Bastian said in a quieter tone filled with empathy and riddled with guilt.
He knew that Nina had lost her parents.
“And I'm sorry.” Bastian apologized again. “But there's way more to this than what he's telling you, Nina. I swear. You have to believe me.” When he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, Nina's head snapped up as she glared at him.
“What?!” Nina quipped in a sharp tone. “Now I'm supposed to believe you?! Really?!” She held his gaze with an angered stare. “Why?!” She all but snarled at him. “Why should I believe you, Bastian?” Nina demanded in an angry tone as she held her boyfriend's pained expression. “Give me one good reason.” Nina cried through exhaustion-tired in her heart, mind, and body.
Maybe Bastian was right.
Maybe Johan had asked him not to tell her.
Maybe he'd told him not to.
Begged him not to.
Or, given his state of mind, maybe Johan had even gone so far as to threaten Bastian into silence.
But Nina was just too tired. Too angry. Too sad and hurt to even consider entertaining all of the possible excuses Bastian could come up with for what he'd done. Or, more accurately, not done.
Turning from the sink, Nina met Bastian's expression with red, puffy eyes, her voice and anger completely spent-as if she'd just bled herself dry.
“You should have told me the truth, Bastian.” She said.
And when Bastian said nothing, Nina sighed with tired exasperation.
“I'm leaving.” Nina said in a flat tone, and this caused Bastian's eyes to widen in surprise.
“What?”
“Johan asked me to come with him to a treatment facility.” Nina replied. “I'm taking some time off from work to help him check in and get settled.” When she said this, Nina watched how Bastian's dismal expression changed to one of slight alarm.
“Nina-” Bastian groaned her name. “you can't go with him.” He practically begged her as Nina returned his plea with a scowl.
“He's my brother, Bastian.” Nina spat. “And he needs me right now. Of course I'm going with him.” And when she moved past him to go back into the living room where her brother was, Nina felt Bastian grab her wrist.
“Nina-” The grip on her wrist and call of her name caused Nina to turn and face him as Bastian's expression came imploring. “Please. Don't do this.” He begged. “Please don't go.” When the fingers around her wrist tightened their hold, Nina glared at Bastian with the flare of her gaze and raise of her voice.
“Let go of me!”
“Nina..?” Bastian dropped Nina's wrist and recoiled his hand as if he'd shocked. “Is everything alright in here?” Nina heard Johan softly ask from behind her, and Nina assumed that he'd stepped into the kitchen when he'd heard her yelling at Bastian.
“Yeah.” Nina replied in a crisp tone, her gaze still fixed on her boyfriend's somewhat horrified expression. “Everything's fine, Johan.”
“We should probably be going, then.” Johan quietly murmured to her from the threshold of the kitchen, not daring to come in. “I think I just saw our taxi pull up.” Nina nodded to this, finally glancing over her shoulder at Johan.
“Okay-” She murmured in a softer, more gentle tone. “Yeah, I'm coming.” With that, Nina turned to follow Johan out to the front entrance of her apartment where her bag was.
As they approached the door, Johan elegantly stooped down to grab her bag for her as Nina felt Bastian follow behind them in almost panicked desperation. Nina glanced over her shoulder, meeting Bastian's gaze as her voice fell in a cold tone.
“I'll call you in a couple of days.” She told him before turning away and leaving the apartment with her brother.
Nina walked in tandem with her brother-in silence-as they made their way out of the apartment complex and onto the street below. In a strange way, Nina had half-expected Bastian to come running into the street after her. From the look on his face when she left, she knew that he'd wanted to.
But was that something she wanted..?
Nina hardly knew what she'd do if he actually did. So, in the end, she felt that it was all for the best that he hadn't.
As Johan placed her bag into the trunk of the taxi that would be taking them to the train station, Nina took her place inside the back of the cab and moved to to the middle to make room for her brother. When he got in, and closed the door behind him, the cab pulled away and Nina felt her heart sink.
So much had happened-so quickly. First, with her brother-and everything that he'd told her. Then-the horrible fight with Bastian. And Nina felt herself at a loss as to how she should feel.
Angry.
Hurt.
Confused.
...betrayed...
And she hadn't even realized that she'd begun crying again until she felt her brother gently take her hand and intertwine his fingers with hers.
“Nina-” Johan softly whispered her name as Nina sniffed while gazing at their hands. “I am so, so sorry.” This apology parted his lips in a quiet hush, and Nina's eyes fluttered closed. “Please don't cry.” He uttered this plea in a low whisper. “I promise-” He said. “things will get better.” Nina gave the silent shake of her head as she offered her brother's hand a gentle squeeze.
“I'm pretty sure that I'm the one that's suppose to be comforting you, brother.” She lightly whispered in a disheartened tone. “Not the other way around.”
“But I just feel so awful about all of this.” He said. “I've caused so much trouble.” Johan persisted in that featherlight voice. “And I've put you through so much pain and grief, Nina. I just know it.” This fell from his lips in remorse, and Nina shook her head again in order to make him stop.
“I'm glad you finally told me.” Nina said in earnest, feeling her brother settle in just a little closer to her. “And now that I know, we're going to get you the help that you need. Okay?”
THE END
...or only just the beginning...