Chapter Text
All it had taken for Maya to lose her composure all over again was for Andrew to go in search of his own space while Carina was in surgery. She couldn’t exactly blame him. There were no rules when it came to this, no rule book for their situation, and other than sharing Carina in their lives, they were practically strangers otherwise. Maya felt guilty at the relief she felt when he wasn’t there too. She had never been the comforting type, or the one to look after people, so she was always at a loss on the right thing to do. Her words were always a little too heavy handed and she was never great at the touchy feely parts.
Carina was good at that stuff.
Maya had stayed with Andrew for a little while, her shower providing her with enough wherewithal to support him without someone holding her hand too. Maybe it was shock. Maybe her brain was still processing what she was seeing. She knew that she should have taken one look at the space where Carina had been taken from and spiralled, but she managed to keep it together while Andrew got his bearings again.
Maya leaned forward in her chair, bringing her head into her hands. Now, she was alone, and she was doing her best to squeeze all thoughts of her girlfriend’s room out of her head. The memory of what she had seen flickered through her brain every so often, just when she thought that she had managed to escape it, but when she wasn’t thinking about the blood stained floors she was left thinking about how Carina was lying on an operating table instead. There was no winning. Maya’s brain was having a hard time making the connection between her girlfriend and the blood though. How it had all come from Carina. She couldn’t let herself think about it for too long though or she would start to worry that it was too much for anyone to lose. That was about when she could feel her chest growing tighter and tighter, and her palms starting to sweat and-.
Maya took a deep breath to steady herself.
The only thing that she wanted right now, that she would give anything in the world for, was to see Carina one more time.
The quiet of the hallway that she had settled in was starting to become deafening. Amelia had left her a little while ago to check on Meredith, the other doctor stuck in a hospital bed of her own, and to get an update from Owen if she could. She was tempted to look at her phone. To search for Carina’s surgery online, and to look at all of the risks and recovery statistics. She knew that she would only lead herself down a rabbit hole of mortality rates and worst case scenarios if she did though, and Maya wasn’t sure how much more of those thoughts she could handle.
“Maya,” a voice said from her other side, catching the blonde off guard.
Her head snapped around to look for the source, letting out a sigh of relief at the sight of Andy behind a blue mask with an outstretched hand - a cup of coffee held out in her direction.
“Hey,” Maya replied, taking it gratefully.
“You weren’t replying to any of our texts, and I knew that you might need some space but I wouldn’t want to be alone right now if it were me,” Andy said softly, lowering herself down into the chair by Maya’s side. “So I figured I would just come and find you myself.”
“Thank you,” she said. “Sorry.”
Andy only shrugged. “I get it. Everyone does. But we’re all here for you anyway.”
Maya lowered her own mask and took a sip. It didn’t taste like much. A watered down version of what coffee should be. She would put money on Carina having never touched the stuff so long as she’d worked there. Maya could practically hear the Italian ranting and calling it blasphemy. There was an expectant silence in the space between the women when Maya came back up for air.
She let the coffee settle in her stomach before she opened her mouth again. “I’ll text everyone soon. It’s just been...well, I don’t even know.”
Maya cut herself off short before she could go any further, feeling a firm lump growing in her throat. A tell tale sign of the tears that were to follow. She couldn’t bear to talk about it out loud, because when Maya really thought about it, it was crystal clear. None of it made sense. None of it should have been happening.
“Hey,” Andy sighed understandingly, bringing a hand up to rest on her friend’s back. As soon as Maya felt the comforting circles smooth across her shirt, she couldn’t help the tears that sprung to her eyes, making her vision blur and the lump in her throat ache more than it already did. “It’s going to be okay. It will. Carina is strong. If anyone can get through this, she can, and we’re all in her corner.”
Andy’s words only served to make the tears fall harder.
“I’m fine,” Maya managed eventually, settling her breathing and rubbing the wetness from her face. She could feel her cheeks burning.
“I know,” Andy replied with a nod. “Is there anything that we can do?”
Maya chewed on the inside of her lip. She thought back to her and Andrew’s conversation earlier in the day. “Pray. She would appreciate that, I think.”
Andy nodded again. “We can do that. There’s a chapel here, right? Most of the team are down in the lobby-.”
“What?”
Andy’s eyebrows furrowed. “Are you kidding? Of course they are. Most of us anyway. Dean had to go home for Pru, but he’ll be back in the morning, and Ben took Miranda home for the boys but he’ll be back too. Everyone else though...”
“I don’t know what to say,” Maya replied quietly. Her heart ached at the prospect of the support that was there for her, for them, and she had to look away from Andy for fear that her eyes would start watering again. She wasn’t sure that if she started again now, that she would be able to stop
Andy squeezed her shoulder gently. She knew that if anyone else were in her position, that Maya would be doing the exact same thing for them. She also knew that it was best not to dwell on it for too long. They had to be strong. “You need to eat something.”
Maya shook her head. Her stomach had been in knots since it had all happened. She wasn’t sure that she would be able to keep anything down if she tried. “I’m not hungry.”
“It doesn’t matter. You need to keep up your strength or you won’t be fit to be here, and Carina needs you.”
Andy was right, Maya knew she was, but before she had a chance to put together a response, a figure at the end of the hallway caught both of their attentions. The face shield that Teddy was wearing was a blessing in disguise, Maya thought, as before the doctor even made it to their end of the corridor, the hopeful quirk of her lips told both women that it was good news before the words made it out of his mouth.
It took hearing them for Maya to believe it though.
Teddy’s words were cautious as ever. “It was touch and go for a little while. Carina lost a lot of blood but the surgery was a success. She’s in a recovery room now so you should be able to see her soon.”
“Thank you,” Maya said with a shuddering breath out. “I don’t know what to- does Andrew know?"
Teddy nodded. “I’ve updated him on everything. It’s going to be a long road ahead but she’s stable now. She’s going to need you with her.”
Maya didn’t need the doctor to tell her that much. The blonde wasn’t going anywhere.
The coffee that Andy had brought her hadn’t done much to wake Maya up. It had done just enough to keep her going until Carina had been brought up to a room of her own in the ICU again, and for Maya to make it downstairs for some fresh air and to give the team an update. She had just about managed to keep her tears at bay as she explained everything that had happened in the past few hours. They had all decided to leave for the night shortly after that, with words of unwavering support and the promise that they would all be back, and to let them know if she or Carina, or even Andrew, needed anything - anything - at all. The coffee had done just enough to get Maya to where she was now, in a chair by the side of Carina’s bed fighting the sleep that was nagging at her senses.
She let her eyes wander across Carina for the umpteenth time that hour alone, as though trying to commit the brunette to memory - if she hadn’t already. The Italian’s skin was far paler than it usually was, her tanned complexion turning white for the first time in Maya’s memory, and there were the beginnings of dark shadows in the space beneath her eyes. She looked smaller than her usual self too. Though Carina had always been slim, it was her long legs that left her towering above Maya at times, or sometimes left her feet hanging out the bottom of the bed. Now though, it was as though the blankets on top of her weren’t far off eating her up completely,
The sound of Andrew sliding open the glass door to her right was enough to snap her focus away from her girlfriend for just a moment. He looked a hell of a lot better than he did before, Maya couldn’t help but think again. There was a small pile of paper in his hand, resting atop a clipboard. If it weren’t for the circumstances, Maya’s interest would have peaked at the sight alone.
“Sorry,” he mumbled, raising his full hand slightly. “They want me to fill all of this stuff in but I wasn’t sure of some of the answers. I thought you might be able to help, if that’s okay?”
“Um, insurance documents, patient information,” Andrew hummed. “I know that I should know most of it but there are some blank spots and I-.”
“I can help,” Maya nodded without hesitation, reaching out a hand to take all of it without another question.
Andrew took the seat on the opposite side of the bed, watching intently as Maya flicked through the pages. “You should be her next of kin. I don’t know why you aren’t.”
“You’re her brother.”
Andrew shook his head. “You’re the woman that she loves.”
Maya chewed on the inside of her lip. They had spoken about it before. She knew that Carina had been meaning to change some of her records at the hospital but everything with the pandemic had shaken things up. She wasn’t surprised that the brunette hadn’t put it at the top of her priorities list. Maya’s next of kin was Carina though. That was a quick and easy change for her. Before that, it had been her father, but recent events had burned that bridge sufficiently.
“She’s been meaning to change it,” Maya answered, her eyes scanning across the page - willing it to consume her attention - as she wrote in a few details here and there. When Andrew didn’t reply, her eyes drifted upwards again, before she opened her mouth again with a kinder tone. “Not because of anything to do with you.”
He nodded. “I know. It just doesn’t feel right being in charge of all of this now, or making decisions for her. You know her better than anyone.”
Maya felt like there was a rock sitting in the pit of her stomach. She had been doing her best to avoid that fact as best she could. She knew that it was Andrew whose permission was being asked before permissions, though she was involved in most of those conversations too, and how it was Andrew’s name that needed to be signed on the dotted line. For all intents and purposes, in the eyes of the law anyway, Maya was nothing to Carina. She was painfully aware of the fact that she had no say. She couldn’t make any of the decisions for the woman that was, as far as she was concerned, the only person that she had ever truly loved.
Maybe except her brother.
It hurt.
“I know,” Maya replied shortly. She didn’t want to get into it now. She couldn’t. The blonde flipped the paper back to the first page again. “Do you need anything else?”
Andrew shook his head. “You should try and get some sleep if you can. I’m going to crash in an on-call room for a few hours. I can find an empty one for you too if you want?”
“I’ll stay here,” Maya said. “I don’t want her to be alone.”
He nodded, taking the paper from her hand and heading back in the direction of the door. He paused before pulling it open, looking back to Maya. “Maya?”
“Mhmm?”
“I won’t make any decisions without you,” he said earnestly. “I promise.”
It meant a lot. She couldn’t find the right response, and Andrew didn’t push, instead giving a tight smile and a ‘good night’ before he left.
Maya rubbed at her eyes. A little sleep would probably do her some good. She knew that it would but it was hard for the blonde to close her eyes and let herself relax. Eventually though, giving herself permission to lay back a little further in her chair, she let out a long breath and closed her eyes. It was easy to listen to the rhythmic beeping of Carina’s machines as she let her eyelids droop, a reminder that the brunette was still there and okay even when Maya’s gaze wasn’t on her.
It wasn’t Andrew who woke her.
“Bishop,” Amelia shook her forearm gently. “Bishop?”
“I’m up,” Maya shot back, a little too loudly as her eyes snapped open. Her heart was pounding at the sudden wake up call. It took her a second to remember exactly where she was, the nap a little more disorientating than she had anticipated it to be. Carina was still there. Nothing had happened. How long had she been asleep? “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?”
Amelia nodded, her voice reassuring. “Everything is fine. I figured you wouldn’t want to be asleep while all the fun was happening. Rounds are making their way around soon and better to be woken by me than them.”
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
“They’re looking to lower Carina’s sedation this morning and see if she still needs the vent. Run a few tests.”
Maya shook her head. That didn’t seem right. “It’s too soon.”
“It’s been nine, maybe ten hours since she got out of surgery. Standard procedure is for patients to be intubated and sedated for the night following cardiac surgery,” Amelia explained. “They might leave it in for a little while longer, just while she’s waking up and until we know she can breathe well on her own, but it’s nothing to be worried about. Just the same as before.”
“How soon will she wake up?”
Amelia shrugged. “It’s difficult to say. They’ll lower it over the next hour or so, and then it’s just a matter of time. This afternoon, maybe sooner.”
“Okay,” Maya nodded, trying to take in all of the information that the other woman was offering her.
“It won’t be easy though. When she wakes up, she’ll probably be confused and disorientated for some time, and she might be in pain. It can be a long process.”
Maya hummed. “A marathon, not a sprint.”
“Exactly.”
“What time is it?” Maya asked, noticing the light that had begun to seep through the blinds.
“Almost eight.”
Maya couldn’t believe that she had been out for so long. Or more that she had been able to sleep for five hours or so practically upright. She must have needed the rest. It made it easier to look forward to the day ahead of them though, no matter how hard it was going to be, and though she was sure that one of the doctors on Carina’s case would regurgitate all of the same information to her later, she was grateful that Amelia allowed her the chance to get her head around it first.
“Okay,” Maya said eventually, running a hand through her hair. She leaned forward in her chair, reaching for Carina’s hand - careful of the cannula that was in the back of it. Her fingers were warm and soft, and did just enough to remind Maya that she was still there. That everything was okay for now. “Thank you.”
“One of your friends stopped by from the station. Is it Victoria?” Andrew asked as he opened the door of Carina’s room, saying a quick ‘hello’ to Amelia as she passed him on her way out.
“Vic,” Maya corrected.
He hummed as he handed her over a brown paper bag. “She didn’t want to intrude but came with some breakfast and supplies for you. Said he wasn’t sure what you could stomach but wanted to help, and that they would bring by a bag for you this afternoon.”
Maya couldn’t help but smile as she peered into it. A smoothie. A banana. A couple of snack bar. Her team really did know her well. There was also a new toothbrush, some roll on deodorant, some hand sanitizer and a few spare hair ties. Maya made a mental note to give the firefighter a text later to thank her.
It was Teddy who eventually came by to explain things to Maya and Andrew herself, not wanting to leave it to one of her residents to butcher unsupervised. Her words were full of apprehension and cautious warning, explaining just as Amelia had that it wouldn’t be easy and things wouldn’t snap back to normal straight away. Andrew knew most of what she was talking about but let her continue for Maya’s benefit. The best case scenario would be a lot of drowsiness, maybe some confusion, but that Carina understood what was going on when she finally came to. It was a process.
When Carina finally opened her eyes, it was for less than a minute.
The Italian’s eyes had opened slowly, her gaze drowsy and unfocused, before they dropped closed again - not taking in much of the space around her. Maya felt her breath catch in her throat as she watched it happen, inching closer to her girlfriend’s bed as she murmured soft encouragements. She tried not to be disappointed when the moment didn’t last. It was normal, Maya reminded herself, and would take time. It wasn’t going to be like the movies where Carina would wake up and they would have some magical reunion for the books. For now, Maya was content with focusing on positive steps forwards and whispering comforting words in the other woman’s ear with every movement she made.
The next time, Carina’s eyes squeezed back shut almost as soon as they were open. Her hand flinched in Maya’s. The monitor keeping watch on her heart started to beep faster than it had before and it wasn’t long until a nurse was by her bedside.
“You’re okay,” Maya cooed, placing a soft kiss against her knuckles. She wished that she could look into the brunette’s eyes but they were still screwed shut, her eyebrows creasing down in reaction to the pain she had woken up to. “You’re doing so great. We’re here.”
Everything felt fuzzy.
When Carina opened her eyes, it felt like she were looking at things underwater. Everything seemed blurrier than it was supposed to be and it was as though her ears weren’t working how they should either. The pain in her chest was the next thing that she noticed. It felt as though a weight was pushing down on her body, pressing against her skin like the sharp edge of a hot knife.
She squeezed her eyes closed, trying to breath through it as best she could. Except she wasn’t breathing. She could feel her lungs filling and expelling air but she wasn’t the one doing it.
She just wanted to go back to sleep.
“You’re okay,” a soft voice murmured next to her. “You’re doing so great.”
Carina knew that voice. It was hard for her to turn her head. Everything felt heavy. She didn’t need to look to know whose voice it was though. The sound was engraved into her soul. Maya took the edge off the pain that radiated throughout her body.
When Carina woke up for the third time, it was already decided that the vent was going to be removed. She had begun to breath over the tube a little while ago, the pain medication that she had been given relaxing her and making movement a little easier. Maya had to turn her gaze away for a second when they removed the intubation tube from Carina’s throat, though she kept her fingers laced through the brunette’s.
Carina gagged as the end slipped past the back of her throat and Maya couldn’t help but grimace. She couldn’t get used to the other woman’s discomfort, no matter how frequently it had happened over the past day. Carina let out a cough, and then a sharp groan of pain, as she adjusted to breathing normally again. The movement set her body on fire. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly again as she willed it to pass, her grip on the blonde’s hand enough to bruise.
“Just try your best to keep breathing, Carina,” Teddy encouraged her friend, leaning over the bed. The brunette sucked in a long, slow breath, fighting the urge to cough once again. She stopped as her chest protested again. Shallow breaths it was. “Little breaths. You’re doing great.”
“You are,” Maya affirmed with a watery smile. “So great, Car.”
It took a minute or so for Carina to come back to herself again. Her head tilted to the side just enough for her to meet the eye of the blonde by her side. Her eyelids were heavy though and it was taking all of her strength to keep them open for a few more moments.
“Hurts,” Carina whimpered, her throat scratchy and dry from lack of use.
“I know,” Maya replied. She brought her free hand to the brunette’s hairline, pushing back some loose waves comfortingly. She wished that she could take the pain away. She wished that she could take Carina’s place. “Rest, baby, we’ll be here when you wake up.”
As the Italian closed her eyes again, Maya could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. There had been a part of her that was unsure she’d ever hear Carina’s voice again.