Chapter Text
Devi hadn’t told her friends what had happened. She didn’t tell them because she knew they’d try to reason with her or make her examine her choices and Devi was struggling enough without having to analyze why. Unfortunately, Devi’s therapist was a big believer in analyzing one's emotions.
“How have you been Devi?” Doctor Ryan had asked.
Devi had been planning on keeping what happened with Ben to herself, but Doctor Ryan had a bizarre ability to make Devi bring up subjects she had planned on burying.
“And did it work?” Doctor Ryan asked, “Did taking control and leaving Ben before he could leave you spare you from the pain of losing him?”
“That question is a trap,” Devi replied, crossing her arms, “You’re trapping me again.”
“It’s not a trap,” Doctor Ryan replied, “Nothing bad is going to happen if you answer.”
“No, but you will make me talk about my dad,” Devi replied, “Or say I’m a control freak.”
“I would never say that, Devi.” Doctor Ryan reassured her, “It’s perfectly natural to crave control when you’ve had so little control over the events in your life.”
‘Or control over your body’ Devi thought.
“Whatever, I don’t want to talk about Ben,” Devi told her.
Doctor Ryan raised her hands in surrender, “You brought him up, but sure. What would you like to talk about?”
Honestly, Devi didn’t know if being the one to pull the trigger was making this any less painful. All she knew was that Ben’s absence fucking hurt and she didn’t know what to do to fix it. He had called her friends the day after she had blocked him. They didn’t know what happened, but they immediately took her side and told him to go to hell. But Fabiola had also told her how Ben had begged her to assure him that Devi was okay. She didn’t know what to do with that information.
He waited a week before he came by the house. Devi had Kamala ask him to leave, which he did immediately, but he caught her eye through the window as he left. He had the same look in his eyes as when they’d gone to his place and saw that his mom had left again without even saying goodbye. He looked defeated.
###
Devi couldn’t miss Paxton’s going away party. They may have broken up, but he was still important to her. Besides she needed the distraction.
She had an elaborate plan to lie to her mom and pretend she was staying over at Eleanor’s, but her mom had taken one look at Devi’s floral sundress, full face of makeup, (useless) six-inch heels, and told her to just go.
“You have been so down recently. I think this will be good for you. But absolutely no alcohol, drugs, or sex. And tell Benjamin to have you back by 11 or I will have his Porsche towed. I know where he parks.”
She hadn’t told her mom about her and Ben’s falling out. When her Paati asked where he was, she lied and said he had a bad stomach bug. She wasn't able to stop them from leaving a container of khichdi on his doorstep.
She wondered what he had thought of it and the “get well soon!” note attached.
“Actually, Mom, could you pick me up? I don’t think Ben’s coming.” Devi admitted.
Her mom hummed in concern, “Is he still unwell? Has he been to see a doctor? Is there anyone around to take him to the doctor? We really should have gone in and checked on him.”
Devi quickly shook her head. That was the last thing she needed, “He’s fine. He’s actually on holiday. He went with his parents to New Zealand. You know how he loves 'Lord of the Rings.”
Ben's parents were in New Zealand, just without Ben.
Her mom relaxed, “Glad to hear his parents are actually spending time with him, for once. I swear if I ever meet those two…”
Devi was well aware of her mom’s concerns about Ben’s parents. She also knew his parents deserved it. She hated the thought of him all alone in that house when Patty wasn't working. Despite herself, she hoped Margot was there for him.
“Could you also drop me off?” Devi asked.
Her mom sighed, “Not until you go get a cardigan. You are going to freeze.”
Devi sighed but did as she was told.
###
Devi was playing cards against humanity when she saw him.
He was wearing a dark gray denim jacket with the sleeves rolled up and obnoxious orange Jordans. He was laughing at someone's joke. Devi’s first instinct was panic but that was nothing compared to the relief of seeing him again. She felt like she had been holding her breath for a week.
And then Margot's face came around and she realized who it was that was making him so happy. Devi wanted to escape but was afraid if she left, he’d follow her and she wouldn’t be able to put off a confrontation much longer.
“Coyote girl, you’re up.” Trent reminded her.
“Oh right.” She put down a random card without a thought.
She risked another glance at Ben and he was looking right at her.
Devi kept playing until everyone else wandered off and she was left with nobody to hide behind. And a pile of cards to tidy up.
“David, can we talk?” Ben asked her, appearing out of nowhere the second she was alone.
She refused to look at him and see the desperation on his face. “Dude, I’m busy. I’m apparently the only one who knows how to tidy up after themselves.”
“I’ll help.” He volunteered immediately.
His sneakiness annoyed her but it was difficult to stay mad at him when he immediately started picking up all the cards on the ground she would have to strain to reach from her chair.
“Devi, what happened?” He passed her a pile of cards to put away. He looked so confused.
It was an expression that usually made her feel smug and superior, but now she only felt guilty.
Devi shrugged, “I don’t know-”
“Don’t lie to me.” he begged, “Don’t fucking bullshit me like you weren’t my best friend a week ago and now you won’t even look me in the eye.”
“Why do you even care?” Devi snapped, “You have Margot now.”
His eyebrows pinched in confusion, “Is that was this is about? Margot? Devi, I can have more than one friend.”
Devi jammed the cards into the box, “You have a weird definition of friend. Friends don’t go on dates,” she began, aggressively shoving the cards into the box, “Friends don’t spend every day together or learn each other's family recipes, or share Netflix accounts. Friends don’t call each other 'honey' and fucking flirt with each other constantly!” She was starting to yell.
“Devi, I-” he began, with an inexplicable expression of hope on his face.
“Hey, Devi! I have some people I want you to meet.” Rebecca interrupted just in time.
Devi had poor self-control on a good day and she was seconds away from screaming at Ben. Or worse; pulling him into a hug and crying onto his shoulder about how much she missed him.
“Hey, Becks! Ben, you’re cool finishing this, right? Thanks, bye.” she said quickly and followed after Becks before Ben could say another word.
“Thanks for saving me back there,” Devi told her when they were out of earshot.
Rebecca shrugged. She was wearing a dark purple leather jacket over a chiffon party dress and Devi was suddenly aware of how much she had missed her.
They had hung out a few times when she and Paxton were back together, but she had a feeling Rebecca never fully forgave her for cheating on her brother.
“You seemed upset.” She shrugged, “And I really do want you to meet my friends.”
“This isn’t like a setup thing, right? Because I-” Devi began.
“Hell no! You’re my brother’s ex, I’m minding my business.” Rebecca replied.
Devi sighed in relief. “Okay, cool.”
Rebecca led her to her room where a group of people were hanging out with a bottle of wine and some board games.
“Are you guys hiding in here?” Devi asked.
“No offense, but you guys are like 12.” replied a dark-skinned woman with buzzed purple hair.
“Not really our type of party.” another agreed, her voice slurred slightly as she spoke. Devi wondered if it was a speech impediment.
“That’s so rude.” giggled someone with olive skin and curly hair wearing leather pants and a haphazardly cut crop top.
They were sitting cross-legged on Rebecca’s bed, snuggling one of her pillows like a soft toy.
“Ignore Finn, they’re high.” A tall woman with glasses spoke from beside them. “I’m Dorothy.”
The overhead light was turned off, leaving only Rebecca’s fairy lights and lamp as the only things lighting the room. The only other light coming from a semi-transparent cane with golden sparkles half tucked under the bed.
Devi wondered if they were all disabled too.
“I’m Talia.” The first woman added.
“I’m Devi. How do you all know Rebecca?” She asked.
She went on to spend the next hour talking to Rebecca’s new friends. She would have stayed there longer but Eleanor tracked her down to drag her back into the fray to sing karaoke.
She managed to avoid Ben for the rest of the night, but she could feel his eyes following her when he thought she wasn’t looking.
###
Devi’s cousin was a pain in her ass sometimes.
“Have you heard from Ben?” Kamala asked her earlier. It was Kamala’s night to cook, which somehow ended with Devi having to help her peel potatoes.
“Why?” Devi replied defensively, “We’re busy people.
“Devi, I know you’re ignoring him. He told me when he came by last week.” Kamala said. “He was very upset.”
Devi didn’t want to have this conversation, “Can we not? It’s none of your business anyway.”
Kamala frowned, “Devi, talk to him or I will have Manish pair you up for every possible assignment this year. I’ll even have him ask your other teachers to do the same.”
Devi didn’t doubt her for a second, “That is a gross abuse of power.”
Kamala pointed her spoon at Devi threateningly, “Talk to your boy. He’s one of the good ones.”
Devi nodded in half-hearted agreement. She would be doing no such thing.
###
Devi didn’t know what to do with the last couple weeks of summer now. She had been spending time with her other friends, but she wasn’t in the mood to have much fun.
She tried studying, but it was hard to care when she didn’t have Ben to compete against. She stopped using The Sims and almost all of the streaming services. All she now had was Netflix.
She really missed him, and she knew she had nobody to blame but herself, and Ben and Margot but she logically knew they hadn’t technically done anything wrong. She was the delusional one who fell for her best friend.
She had enough time trying to keep herself busy during the day. She had spent today with Rebecca, posing for a photoshoot for Rebecca’s Instagram with her new friends. She enjoyed herself but then she’d reach to tell Ben about it and remember everything again.
Devi had hoped to be able to go to sleep after dinner, but sleep refused to come. At about 1 am she gave up and pulled out her phone to watch Netflix. The last thing Devi had been watching was Riverdale but her ‘continue watching’ section had changed entirely.
She would have ignored it and assumed it was one of her relatives if not for the first title.
“Dear David.” It was some Indonesian film she had never heard of. Her stomach knots twisted at the name. The next titles confirmed that it was no coincidence.
“I am not okay with this.” shortly followed by a period piece.
“Silence.”
“I want you back” It made her palms sweat, but the next title was far less promising,
“Friends.” She wondered if that one was the end of his sentence. She scrolled to see the next ones to be sure.
“Falling in love.” Was written over a picture of a couple sitting on porch steps. Devi couldn’t help but smile.
“Either way.”
After that was her previous episode of Riverdale. Devi thought back to when she had left him a message in a similar manner. She had never talked about it but it was clear Ben remembered. Devi was overwhelmed. She still had so many doubts. What about Margot? And what did he mean by the message?
Devi had to see him. It was the middle of the night. She knew her family would never agree to drive her to some boy's house at 1:24 am. But she also couldn’t wait for the morning. There were Ubers and Lyfts but they were expensive and it was difficult to find an accessible one during the day, yet alone at this time of night. Besides, she couldn’t wait that long.
She had deleted Ben’s number to stop the temptation to call him but there was nothing she could have done to make herself forget his number. He answered on the first ring.
“Devi?” She had briefly wondered if he would be sleeping but his voice was awake and hopeful.
“Come pick me up.” She said shakily, “Please.”
“I’ll be there in 15.” He said immediately and hung up.
Devi quickly transferred into Nick, not bothering to change out of her pajamas or put on shoes. She grabbed her keys and did her best to sneak out the door without being heard.
As she waited on the curb, she wondered if she was being crazy. The thought of maybe having Ben back squashed her fears. She had to know what he meant.
Ben’s Porsche rolled up next to her a few minutes later. Ben was wearing his Rick and Morty pajama pants and a gray singlet. He must have rushed here too.
He stood there staring at her for a moment before he seemed to become aware of his weirdness and said, “Hi.”
“How do you have my Netflix password?” Devi said in lieu of a greeting.
He shrugged. “I asked Kamala.”
Devi smiled despite herself. “Not cool enough to guess it on your own?”
Ben rolled his eyes and opened the passenger door for her. “More just terrified of your mother. I’m going to have to delete the message before she sees it.”
She let him help her into the car and it took everything in her to let go of him when he was done. He smiled at her warmly as he closed her door and left to put Nick in the boot.
“So um, to mine then? You never specified where, but I assume-” He began.
“Yes, you dumbass. I want to go to yours.” Devi laughed. “Your parents aren’t home, are they?”
Ben shook his head, “Nope, just me.”
Devi expected this answer, but it still hurt to see how used to it he was.
Ben put the car into drive and flicked his indicator. Devi loved watching him drive. He had grown so much confidence since he drove her to scatter her dad’s ashes during sophomore year. He was still an overcareful driver but Devi was proud of how far he had come.
“Your grammar was terrible.” Now that she was here, she didn’t know where to begin.
Ben looked pained, “Do you know how long I spent trying to find linking words? Why are there no movies called ‘Or’?” He exclaimed, looking genuinely frustrated.
Devi was so in love with this boy. As she looked over at him, with his hands gripping the steering wheel, in his PJs ranting about grammar, she didn’t know how she could ever not love him.
“What did you mean?” Devi asked at last, “With your message, what were you trying to tell me?”
Ben glanced over at her, “Well I was trying to tell you that I love you but Netflix’s lack of concern for punctuation and proper grammar made it difficult.” Devi wanted to cry in relief.
Ben loved her.
“What about Margot?” She had to ask.
“We went on one date and I spent half of it talking about you.” He admitted, “We decided we work better as friends.”
Devi covered her mouth in her hand to hide her smile. She wasn’t done, however, “Why would you go out with her if you-”, she trailed off. She still hadn’t said the words back, but she would, soon.
“Because you kept saying we’re only friends.” He replied factually, “I thought I needed to try and move on.” he looked over to her, “I should have known it wouldn’t work. It never did before.”
“Why?” her voice broke. She didn’t know how to finish that sentence.
“Why am I in love with you? Devi, you’re not that dumb.” He said, “I’ve been obsessed with you since Model UN, if not before then.”
“Please you’ve been obsessed with me since kindergarten,” Devi replied automatically.
“I was obsessed with beating you academically.” He agreed, “It wasn’t until later that I became obsessed with stupid things like the way you part your hair, or whether you’re drinking enough water.”
“I’m obsessed with you too.” She admitted it because it was true. “And not just destroying you academically.”
Ben’s face broke out into the brightest smile she’d ever seen. Instead of replying, he turned on his indicator and checked his mirrors.
“Ben, what are you-” She began.
“I’m pulling over so I can kiss you,” he explained, still smiling like a dork.
Her heart fluttered in her chest. “Cool,” she replied awkwardly and resisted the temptation to bang her head on the dash.
That second, after Ben put his car in park, Devi leaned over and pressed her lips against his. Ben responded immediately, placing his hand on the back of her neck to pull her in closer. The kiss didn’t stay chaste for long. Devi opened her mouth and Ben immediately took the sign and deepened the kiss.
The gear stick stabbed awkwardly against her side. She let herself pull away, pressing a quick peck against his lips in apology.
“What is with us and cars?” He asked her. “Do you have a car kink or something?”.
She elbowed him in the ribs, “Shut up, this one was your fault.”
He rolled his eyes affectionately and took her hand in his.
“Ben?” She began. He looked up her with his big blue eyes. “I love you too.”
He beamed at her and pressed a kiss against the pulse of her wrist. “I love you so much.”
She would never get sick of hearing him say that. “Also we probably shouldn’t go to your place,” she said, “I don’t trust our self-control and my mom will murder me if she finds out I snuck out.”
Ben blushed at the implication of her words, “Probably a good idea.” he reluctantly admitted, “But can I see you tomorrow?”.
Devi beamed at him, “Of course. It is 'White boy Wednesday' and Paati promised to teach you how to make kuzhi paniyaram.”
He rolled his eyes at the name, “I need to thank her for the khichdi. What was I sick with again?”
“Bad stomach bug.” Devi answered, “You also just got back from a holiday in New Zealand”.
He nodded solemnly, “I have met Taika Waititi you know, he’s one of my dad’s cl-”
Devi interrupted him with another kiss.
###
Devi couldn’t imagine not being in love with Ben. Even when she looked back to when they were kids or when she dressed as him for Halloween in eighth grade. Her perspective completely warped the memory to affection rather than mockery.
Or maybe she had always loved him in her own Devi way; she couldn’t tell anymore.
What she did know was that Ben had always been her person. He was so often the last person she thought of before she fell asleep. He had been her distraction through everything with her dad. He was what she distracted herself with when she began pondering the endlessness of her paralysis.
Only now, she didn’t have to think of an excuse to talk to him; she just did and he was always there.
As he was there even when she didn’t need him, but wanted him anyway.
“I can’t believe I didn’t know you watch Doctor Who. You’re such a nerd.” She commented.
She had told her mom that they were studying at his place but instead, they were curled up on his bed watching 'Doctor Who' on his laptop, dressed only in their underwear.
They hadn’t gone very far, but Devi was happy. She had thought of sex as a box she needed to check to be a success for too long.Now, she was enjoying it as just one of the other things they could do together.
“You always say I don’t relax enough. This is how I relax.” Ben told her.
Devi had never seen an episode of Doctor Who in her life and was very confused by whatever was happening on the screen.
“Who's the Victorian lady?” Devi asked. Whoever she was, she had a dozen snipers' sole attention.
“That’s Missy!” Ben groaned as though it was obvious, “She’s a time lady.”
“I don’t know what that is. How would I know what that is?” Devi replied, waving her hands dramatically.
Ben sighed, “She’s the Doctor’s arch-enemy.”
“She just said she’s his best friend,” Devi replied.
Ben just smiled, “Yeah they’re complicated. Honestly, she kind of reminds me of you.
Devi looked to the screen where Missy pressed a button and violently murdered a man, “No I have not TURNED GOOD?”.
“Should I be offended? Cause I’m kind of offended.” Devi questioned.
Missy disintegrated someone else to prove her point.
Ben hummed thoughtfully, “More like she and the Doctor remind me of us, but with more casualties.”
Devi turned her head to look up at him. “Go on.”
He paused the episode. “The last time we saw her, she had worked for centuries turning everyone who had ever died into a cyberman. Not for world domination but as a gift for the Doctor. It was to give him an identity crisis for his birthday.” he explained, “Or another time he- she had a male form then- chose to die just so The Doctor wouldn’t win.” Devi really didn’t understand this show, but she thought she got the picture. “And it worked. The Doctor was utterly heartbroken to lose him even after all he’d done.”
Devi pressed her hand to Ben’s face and stroked his cheek, “And now, despite all the fights, and all the murder attempts, here Missy is. Because the Doctor is missing and she’s worried .” Ben said, gesturing enthusiastically.
“And the Doctor, despite all the horrible things she’s done, sent her his will. His final word and a plea for help. She is still his best friend, no matter what.”
“Mmm, and your point?” She teased. She wanted him to say it.
“The comparison is pretty clear,” he held his hand over hers, “David, you’re my best friend. You were my best friend when you were my enemy. You were my best friend when we were barely speaking, and you’re still my best friend now.”
Devi beamed at him.
“You’d still be my best friend if you turned the whole world into cybermen and froze every plane in the sky to get my attention.” he finished, with a stupid smile.
“Yeah, that’s not healthy.” Devi laughed, “You shouldn’t be okay with me being some supervillain.”
Ben just laughed, “I mean I wouldn’t be happy about it. But, I could never hurt you.”
Devi leaned in and kissed him. Ben reciprocated immediately, weaving his other arm around her waist. He twisted their bodies so he was hovering over her. They pulled away, both breathing heavily.
“Wait, why am I the villain?” Devi asked. “Is it because we’re both women or because you’re a dick?”
“Actually the Doctor becomes a woman in a couple of seasons.” Ben informed her, “And to answer your question,” he pressed another quick kiss against her lips, “It’s because the Doctor always wins.”
Devi lightly shoved him in the chest, “Fuck off.”
Ben just chuckled, “Can I put the episode back on now? It's a really good one.”
Devi couldn’t help but smile at him, “Whatever but you have to explain what’s going on.”
“Deal.” He told her and pressed play. His arm was draped across her, his hand resting on the naked skin of her hip. She breathed against his chest and inhaled the woodsy smell of his cologne and something that was just distinctly Ben.
She didn’t give a damn about Doctor Who, but she glanced up at Ben and fondly noted the focused furrow of his brow she thought there was nothing she’d rather do.