Chapter Text
~*~
…the mongoose has to kill the snake,
so the snake doesn't kill the mongoose,
and the snakes have to kill mongooses,
so the mongooses don't kill the snakes…
~'*'~
Time passed- relatively peacefully- for a few years. Though, sometimes the angel’s wing still ached where it was pierced by The Spear of Destiny- a reminder of that incident, not soon forgotten.
“Table for three, please,” Aziraphale said cheerily, addressing the host at the front of the Ritz who was scanning a page of information.
“Daddy! I want the biggest piece of cake!” The small girl next to him exclaimed, tugging at Crowley’s hand.
“I’m afraid we don’t have any open t-” The host paused suddenly, seemingly doing a double-take at the page he had been reading before looking up and continuing. “Never mind, sirs, right this way-”
“Miraculous,” the angel grinned, looking quite proud of himself.
“We’ll need a booster seat of course,” the demon added, as they arrived at their table.
“Certainly, sirs, celebrating anything special today, are we?”
“I’m five years old today!” Jess exclaimed, shoving her hand in the air, being sure to wiggle all five fingers.
~*~
Having downed far more cake than any small child should- Christ child or not- and her fathers chattering away over multiple fancy bottles of wine, Jess entertained herself with one of her birthday presents, a small toy of a red London bus.
She ran it back and forth over the tablecloth, the bus taking loops around her plate, making choo-choo noises- never mind the reality that buses do not in fact make such a sound.
The pleasant backdrop of soft conversations and clanking of fine cutlery was soon interrupted though by an especially loud man at a neighboring table suddenly berating his waiter for some minor infraction- yelling and being all around a rude arsehole.
This disrupted what the demon Crowley might describe as The Usual Chill Vibe of the establishment.
“Someone is being a Karen,” Crowley mumbled, casting some side-eye.
Before Aziraphale could puzzle what his demon meant by that- the angel wasn’t up to date on all of that modern lingo after all- Jess expertly hurled the wooden bus at her target, clocking the rude patron right upside his stupid fat head.
“Ow!” The man exclaimed, grasping at his face, looking around quite perplexed, as there was no evidence that anything had ever been thrown at his head at all.
The birthday-girl giggled as an imperceptible wave of her hand had returned the toy to her instantaneously, and she had resumed playing, now switching it up with vroom-vroom sound effects.
“Now, now, my dear, no miracles in public, especially not during lunch,” Aziraphale scolded gently.
“Ok, Papa,” she agreed, swinging her feet happily in her booster seat.
Crowley simply grinned like a proud father at her marvelous mischief. He really wanted to give her a high-five but didn’t care to face his angel’s wrath.
~'*'~
Jess sat in Aziraphale’s dusty chair in front of his truly ancient computing machine. Crowley had somehow managed to convince the angel within the last couple of years to upgrade—to Windows 95 that is. She swung her legs happily as she played solitaire. Ah, another flawless victory.
“Do you think she cheats?” Crowley whispered to his angel as they shared the intimate space of the bookshop loveseat.
“Blasphemy!” Aziraphale gasped, being a little overly dramatic.
But then at Crowley’s repeated behest the angel glanced at the computer screen across the room and had to admit that the cards were flying around a little fast for the age of that antique.
“Well,” the angel admitted, “it must be Her Divine Will.”
“To win a computer game?” Crowley questioned, eyebrows raised.
“I- ” Aziraphale began, shrugging and pouring another glass of wine.
~*~
I want to go to a beach, the birthday-girl had declared when asked what other presents she desired. Aziraphale found the idea delightful, and Crowley agreed to drive.
The busy London streets soon gave way to trees and gentle countryside with long, winding roads.
Aziraphale held on for dear life as Crowley sent the Bentley around tight turns with truly concerning speed. As for Jess’ opinion, she appeared quite comfortable in her car seat in the back- her arms straight up in the air the whole journey, as though she was on some type of intense roller coaster.
~'*'~
Crowley slammed on the breaks as a figure suddenly darted into the middle of the road, blocking the way.
“Alright?” Crowley asked, the Bentley at a complete stop, quickly turning and checking that his family was intact, but shaken.
“Um, Crowley, my dear,” Aziraphale said slowly, pointing the demon’s attention back at the road.
The person in the road stood firmly, staring then down, unflinching as another car that sped around them all yelled “Ye dumb cunt!” out the window.
Demon. That was a demon standing in the road. Waiting. Waiting for them.
Crowley grew very still. There was something familiar yet wholly new about this demon.
“Aziraphale,” Crowley swallowed. “Stay in the car.”
“Whatever for-” the angel said, searching Crowley’s face. And then, when he looked back at the road he recognized it, what stood out there. Aziraphale gasped.
Jess began sobbing quietly.
Crowley slowly removed his glasses and set them on the dash.
“My dear,” the angel pleaded, looking increasingly alarmed as his demon opened the car door and stepped out, “couldn’t we just reverse, run away?”
The creature formally known as the Archangel Michael barked and sneered at the serpent as Crowley emerged from the Bentley.
“Angel, I have a feeling this one would chase us to the ends of the earth.”
“Daddy!” Jess cried.
“Crowley! I have my flaming sword- I ran it through them once, I can do it again!”
“Stay in the car!”
“I’ll do no such thing!”
“Do it for her!” Crowley exclaimed with increasing desperation, eyes wide. “I’ll not loose you again, Angel.”
Jess wailed, and Aziraphale stilled as the car door shut.
~*~
Crowley sauntered over towards their impromptu road hazard, taking in the fuzzy ears and sharp teeth of the other demon.
“What are you supposed to be?” He said, trying to act unimpressed to hide the fact he was shaking.
“Worm,” the demon barked, “I am now called, Herpestes, the mongoose.”
Crowley crossed his arms.
“Not sure whether to go for the easy jab that I know your a pest-es or that I gather you can’t spell your name without Herpes.”
Herpestes barked manically and glanced over Crowley’s shoulder trying to catch sight of the Bentley’s occupants.
Crowley immediately shifted over, blocking the field of view- bringing his wings into this plane of view for good measure, spreading them into a wide aggressive stance.
“That angel should be long dead,” the mongoose growled, hand beginning to shift into a large paw, brandishing claws glowing red hot, smoking with the fires of Hell itself. “It’s unnatural.”
Crowley took a step back towards the car, but it happened too fast- Herpestes leapt clear over him, landing on the hood of the Bentley, thrusting claws deep into the hood.
“Aziraphale!”
Herpestes growled and sneered as their fangs grew out even longer and brown fur burst forth all over their form which quickly tripled in size, and at the end of the terrifying transformation looked more werewolf than mongoose.
Crowley’s eyes widened, realizing this new demon had all the power and favor of Hell behind them.
“Run!” Crowley yelled, quickly shifting into the giant black serpent, wrapping himself tightly around the legs of the demon mongoose.
Herpestes lifted the entire car in the air just as the angel managed to get the Christ child out of her car seat and roll away.
Crowley watched as the Bentley was tossed as easily as Jess had thrown her toy at that man at the Ritz.
“Run!” The serpent yelled desperately, again putting himself between the were-mongoose and his beloved family as poker-hot claws tore at his scales.
“I won’t leave you!” Aziraphale cried out.
“You have to get Jess out of here! Come back for me later!”
“No!”
“I’ve got thissss, Angel.” Crowley hissed.
Crowley did not- in fact- have this. But, the conflicted angel obeyed, for the sake of the child and the Divine Mission. He ran- even though he saw straight through Crowley’s false confidence- he ran.
The serpent coiled around the mongoose. The coils tightened- tightened. The mongoose bit the serpent- scales went bent and broken. The mongoose danced around the serpent- left, right, left, right, forward, back. The serpent bit the mongoose- fangs piercing flesh deep- deeper still- the blood spilled black and rotten- rotten to the core.
“Hard to believe a thing asss ugly asss you wasss once an archangel,” Crowley spat.
“Same to you, abomination!” Herpestes howled with anger.
Crowley fought and danced and constricted with everything he had, he struck with everything he had, he sunk his fangs deep- but Herpestes sunk the mongoose claws even deeper.
In the end, the serpent took solace that, in the moment he was discorporated, he knew he had lasted long enough for his family to get away.
As all that was the demon Crowley leaked out into the ground, sinking down- down- down Below, his shell, the serpent, beaten and broken and torn, slowly shrank down to that of an average sized snake, motionless on the side of the road like any other sad creature ended by a car.
Later at nightfall, unable to stay away any longer, and fraught with worry, Aziraphale returned to the scene in search of his beloved demon, with Jess at his hip, clutching her arms around his neck.
He collapsed as he spotted the small snake, recognizing it for what it once was.
Crowley’s wedding ring lay nearby in the grass.
Aziraphale wept.
~'*'~
“Daddy,” Jess sobbed, hugging the little broken snake to her chest.
“He’s- he’s not there right now, my dear,” Aziraphale explained, wiping tears from his eyes, taking a seat next to her in the grass, the only other sound the occasional roar of a car zooming by the nearby road. No one seemingly took notice of the overturned Bentley in the woods.
The stars were out now. Crowley loved the stars- and he might never catch sight of them again unless a miraculous escape could be arranged from Below.
Aziraphale was so lost in thought he almost didn’t take notice of the woman-shaped angel cautiously approaching from the forest.
“What will you do now, Principality?” Periel asked solemnly.
Aziraphale sighed sadly.
“We saw you, you know,” he said, looking up at the other angel, “Crowley and I, we’ve noticed you watching us, recently.”
Periel nodded slowly, “I was told to observe, so I have faithfully fulfilled that-”
“What is the point of you!?” Aziraphale yelled suddenly, startling the other Principality.
“P-pardon?”
“You were there when the Archangel Michael fell, you saw Her Divine Wrath!”
Periel chanced to meet the eyes of the Christ child and found her eyeing her with unreadable emotion, perhaps curiosity or judgement.
“You-!” Aziraphale continued.
“What would you have me do?” Periel added quickly.
“Help us.” He said simply. "You have done so before."
“You have the favor of Her Divine Will, what help could I possibly be?”
Aziraphale paused thoughtfully for a moment, as if debating something with himself.
“We need to get home, discreetly,” he said finally. “Too many miracles would draw unwanted attention. I- I can’t fly- my wing still aches from the divine weapon Michael used on me. It will take years more to heal- years I don’t have right now.”
Periel looked surprised, but eventually responded. “Understood.”
Jess reached her arm up towards Periel, beckoning the angel to pick her up.
The woman-shaped angel hesitated.
The Christ child smiled at her and said, “be not afraid.”
~*~
Crowley was in Hell, literally and figuratively.
“Nicezz work, Herpestezz,” Beelzebub congratulated Below’s new star employee.
“I don’t mean to question the Lord of Flies, but,” Herpestes said between barks, “I don’t understand why we don’t end the demon Crowley permanently.”
“Zze can’t afford another embarrassing incident like the last time, so we might as well assume he’s impossible to extinguishzz! No matter!”
“No matter?!”
“You are missing the point! You didn’t go topside for him, you went topside to nab little baby Jesuszz!” The Lord of Flies exclaimed.
“Innit she like five years old now?” Hastur interjected.
“Is that a baby? I thought it more a toddler or preschooler-” Dagon added.
“Silence, you foolzz! The snake is just bait! His angel boyfriend-”
“It’s husband, actually,” Crowley corrected.
“No one said you could speak, worm!” Dagon shouted, kicking the serpent’s non-corporeal form.
“Zze traitorous angel will bring zze child to the gates of Hell- he will, he must, for his beloved.”
“No!” Crowley struggled as he was dragged away. “No!”
The other demons cackled evilly and made mock kissing noises at each other, as the serpent was tossed away into the dark.
~'*'~
Periel sat skeptically in the angel’s bookshop as if she had never had thought to sit in a comfy chair before.
Aziraphale flitted about fretting, searching for something.
Meanwhile, Jess sat across from the woman-shaped Principality, staring.
“You’re a nice lady,” the little girl declared finally.
“I- I’m not sure either of those descriptors are entirely accurate,” Periel responded, honestly.
Eventually, Aziraphale appeared with a dusty, empty shoebox in hand.
“This will have to do, I’m afraid,” he said softly, offering it to Jess, who gently put the shell of the serpent inside. With a wave of her hand, the body no longer appeared broken and could easily be mistaken for a sleeping snake.
At that, Aziraphale also took a seat, and the three sat in silence for a short time.
“I have half a mind,” Aziraphale began with a half-crazed laugh,”to walk straight into Hell, is that mad?”
Periel just turned and stared blankly.
“Papa?” The little girl questioned.
“I do realize I would never come back from that,” Aziraphale sighed. “Crowley would never forgive me. But at least we would be together.”
“I’ve been to Hell before,” Jess said matter-of-factly, like only a child could. “It wasn’t very impressive.”
“What did you say, my dear?” Aziraphale asked, his eyes wide.
The other Principality was similarly stricken at the girl’s words.
“At least, I think I have, for a couple days,” the child continued, unaware of the enormity of her words. “It may have been a dream though.”
A knock at the door interrupted the conversation.
“I’ll go,” Periel offered.
Aziraphale nodded silently and felt of his flaming sword hidden carefully under his jacket- he would not hesitate to use it again if he had to.
~*~
The door swung open revealing Gabriel, bending upwards, having just retrieved a letter laying on the doorstep.
“Someone’s been leaving trash at your door,” the archangel half-chuckles, tossing it at a startled Periel and forcing his way through the doorway. “Seems appropriate.”
“Gabriel, what—” Aziraphale greeted nervously, immediately stepping forward and putting himself in front of Jess. “What brings you here?”
“I’m a fucking archangel, do I need a reason?” He replied trying to glance around Aziraphale to catch a glimpse of the little girl seated in the chair.
In the background, Periel opened the soot-covered letter, sealed with a tiny wax pitchfork, looking concerned as she read the words.
“If you must know,” Gabriel sighed, “I’m here for an audience with the Christ child. It took a long time to convene with the Metatron and review all of the records, but there is no denying her identity.”
Aziraphale did not move.
“Where is your fellow, traitor, anyway,” Gabriel asked, continuing to glance about the place, “Was your fraternizing not good enough for him anymore?”
“Don’t talk about my daddy and papa that way!” Jess yelled, sticking her tongue out, firmly in the direction of Gabriel.
“Um,” the archangel puzzled, “what is she doing?”
“Bleah- uhgh- blep- phft!”
“It’s a- a human expression of displeasure,” Aziraphale explained. “I believe it is called blowing a raspberry.”
“Really?” Gabriel made a face. “This is the embodiment of Her Divine Will on earth?”
“I don’t like you, you’re mean!” The five year old declared, stomping her feet for extra emphasis.
“Um, Principality,” Periel interrupted, sliding in from the side and holding up the letter. “You really need to read this.”
~'*'~
While the Archangel Gabriel continued to be scolded by a small child, Aziraphale read over the note.
“Oh my, no,” he said, falling back onto the sofa.
Surrender the second coming,
or the snake gets it-
You have one day
“Crowley,” Aziraphale said softly, crushing the letter in his hand.
“Do better!” Jess shouted suddenly in the background.
Aziraphale looked up, dumbstruck to find Gabriel on his knees in front of Jess’ chair, pleading with her.
“I don’t understand, why them? I heralded the glory of your birth the first time around! Why was Heaven left out of the Almighty’s Great Plan this time?”
“You’re a big meanie.”
“I am not,” Gabriel gasped. “Right, Aziraphale? Right, you- whatever your name was?”
Periel and Aziraphale glanced at each other, then back at the archangel.
“Right?”
“Well-,” Aziraphale fidgeted, absently pulling at the buttons on his vest.
“How can I prove myself?” Gabriel pleaded with the Christ child. “What acts of service can I perform for Her Divine Will made flesh?”
“Rescue my daddy.”
“Huh?”
“She means, Crowley,” Aziraphale explained, handing the letter from Downstairs to Gabriel.
“Really?” The archangel frowned as he scanned the page. “Really?”
“He was discorporated,” Periel added. “It goes without saying that we can’t turn over the Christ child to the forces of Below.”
“Ugh, fine.”
~*~
“I’ll be just a minute,” Gabriel said confidently to the group before heading into the facade of the office building and casually hopping on the escalator heading down.
Aziraphale, Jess, and Periel stood a safe distance out front and watched him go.
~'*'~
Demons parted for the archangel as he waltzed right in without any resistance.
“Yo, Beelz, heard that traitor, Crowley was down here. Need to torture some information out of him regarding his other-half.”
“Ah, yezz,” Beelzebub nodded, smiling sickly. “Be our guest, he’s in the deepest darkest pit, just take two rights and a left. You can’t miss zzit.”
“Thanks, Beelz. Owe you one.”
~*~
One moment Crowley was engulfed in a never-ending and complete darkness where he couldn’t even see his own discorporated nose, and the next he was blinded by a flash of infinite light and the whoosh of huge wings.
“Aziraphale?” Crowley questioned, his see-through form falling backwards from the sheer force. “Angel you shouldn’t have come here!”
And then the serpents eyes adjusted.
“What- and I can’t emphasize this enough- the fuck?” Crowley said, the Archangel Gabriel standing above him, with a look of utter contempt.
“Be not afraid, demon, for I, the Archangel Gabriel, at the command of Her Divine Will, am here to retrieve you from perdition,” He said dramatically, walking over and breaking the single chain that kept the demon imprisoned.
“Seriously, what is happening right now?”
The only warning the prone demon had to what was about to happen was the smug grin Gabriel flashed before grabbing Crowley by one ankle and taking to the sky like a rocket.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaahhh!”
Crowley’s scream echoed on a delay throughout all of Hell- much like a sonic-boom.
~'*'~
There was a flash of light and wings as Gabriel- with Crowley in tow- burst through the front doors of the building.
“My dear!” Aziraphale exclaimed, as Crowley was haphazardly tossed their way.
“Papa!” Jess yelled, holding up the shoebox containing the demon’s healed corporeal form.
As Crowley connected with the box, it exploded outward as he became one again with his skin, the serpent growing and then shifting into his usual human-shaped form.
Aziraphale rushed over and gripped his beloved tightly, while Crowley glared at Gabriel.
“What the Heaven is wrong with you!?”
At that, Jess eyed the archangel skeptically.
“What? I rescued him- you didn’t say I couldn’t have a bit of fun while doing so.”
~*~
Aziraphale kissed Crowley gently, taking his demon’s hand and placing the ring back on his finger.
“You dropped this, my dear.”
“Angel,” Crowley breathed, melting into the embrace.
Aziraphale hugged his beloved demon tightly.
“Wait, where is the Bentley!?”
~'*'~
“Well, child,” Gabriel began, “Have I proved myself to the Almighty?”
“One more thing,” Jess answered slowly, “go back inside the building.”
“O- K- ” the archangel puzzled, “and then?”
“You’ll see.”
Periel watched with curiosity. Aziraphale and Crowley were too caught up in their reunion to really see.
Gabriel walked back into the building and stood in front of the escalators to Above and Below. He looked back through the glass and shrugged as if to say ‘Now, what?’
Jess walked slowly towards the building, as if she wasn’t quite sure herself what was compelling her to go forward.
With a wave of her hand, there was a change in the air pressure before Aziraphale’s flaming sword flew out from under his coat and into her hand.
At that, the angel and demon finally looked up from their lover’s embrace.
“What?!” All present exclaimed nearly in unison.
Jess waved the sword across the seams of each door one by one. The glass melting and merging and becoming solid as though no door ever existed there at all. Inside the escalators slowed and stopped moving. Elsewhere the doors to the stairwells disappeared.
Gabriel threw himself at the places the doors once stood, to the effect of nothing.
Aziraphale and Crowley cautiously approached.
“Why?” they saw the archangel mouth at them from the other side of the glass.
“You did what you did, not for Me,” the Christ child explained, “but for yourself.”
“Jess, my dear,” Aziraphale asked gently, taking the sword back from the girl's hand and securing it on his person, “what does this mean?”
“They won’t bother us anymore.”
“For how long, sweetie?” Crowley questioned.
“A long while I think. Not forever, though.” She paused before continuing. “I want to go home, daddy, papa.”
As Aziraphale took the little girl with one hand, and Crowley the other, Periel fell to her knees in front of the sealed building.
“Whatever will I do now?” She cried- a few flecks of silver glitter falling from her face.
“Live,” Aziraphale answered simply, as he led his family home hand-in-hand.
~*~