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Dear Kouchi,
Hello new brother. Welcome to the house!
This is a letter from Dice's second in command, diligently scripted by the finest monkeys with the greatest typewriters, to impart upon you the grave and important news from your new clown kings. Please note at the end that there will be a test, you will be graded, and if you fail you will be designated as one of the monkeys and forced to script these welcome letters on our behalf.
So, rule number one! The red armchair is my house. I live there. I have seen you camping out at the base of it, waiting for the chance to swoop in and make it your own, but you must resist this temptation. It actually has my name on it, you see, so if you try and take it, then I will be forced to assume your identity as you have assumed mine. This will include your new name being printed on your forehead and me wearing your face mask around for a day minimum. Do you want to risk that? Was the risk of being a monkey not enough for you?
Rule number two! If you are ever filled with the desire to have tea or cake, can I come too? Please?
Rule number three! Have you ever wanted siblings before? I've had Kokichi the whole time and I didn't know I could have more than that. Does it ever seem big and scary to you? It seems like every time Kokichi comes home he finds a face to replace mine. Do you... want that? Do you want to steal him? To replace me?
You don't have to lie about it. I won't be mad. Kokichi is really cool, so I would probably want to steal him too, if he wasn't already mine.
Rule number four! You might be able to steal my brother, but you can't steal my chair. I meant it! I rule from that throne!
Rule number five! You're allowed to teach tax evasion. Kokichi might tell you that you aren't, but that's just a test. You can teach it to me.
Rule number six! If you want cuddles, that is my assigned task. I get paid to do that. Honest, it's on the payroll! Ask HR! I am the designated person to give and receive cuddles. If you would like cuddles or are in need of them, please remember to employ me. If you see someone initiating cuddles without me, please alert me quickly so that I can join in.
If you are a rebel and do not want to officially clock your hugs and cuddles, I am also authorized to give you secret, illegal hugs. These hugs will not be known to the government because I have smuggled them personally.
The government cannot stop me from giving cuddles!
Alright, those are all the rules, now it's time for a test. Are you ready? Are you really ready? Here we go!
Are you happy to be with us?
It's the most important question, so no cheating, okay.
You can think about it, if you need to.
I think that I'm happy to have met you, Kouchi. I think it's good that we found you.
From the King of Dice! (Not to be confused with the Dice King, of course.) Kimochi~
Dear Kimochi
Thank you for your letter, I was quite surprised to receive a letter from the King of Dice but it has in fact arrived in perfect condition. I thank you for clarifying some of the rules of the household, I will keep them in mind, especially as I do not wish to be a monkey. I hope you do not mind that I include some rules of my own towards the end of this letter for best cohabitation.
I will go over each rule to prove that I paid proper attention and have understood what they have meant.
I am saddened to hear the red armchair has been so thoroughly claimed already, it seemed cozy for reading in. However, it is rude to step into someone’s house if uninvited, especially with such dire consequences for it, so you will not have to worry about my stealing it. Though I inquire if it is ever possible to get temporarily sitting rights, it really does seem very cozy.
About the tea and cakes, I really am more of a coffee person actually. I do enjoy tea still but I am much more likely to be having cake and coffee. Either way, I cannot invite whoever is not around and I will not risk the travesty of cold cake searching. If you are in the area though, I would be happy to share with you.
Please do not fear me wishing to steal Kokichi away. I have dreamed about having siblings for nearly my entire life, and you should notice that plural. I do not wish to choose between the two of you, I desire you both in my life. You are both quickly becoming precious to me if that is not too forward to say. I would never choose one of you over the other, nor do I ever wish to make you two feel like you have to choose or that you are being replaced. You both matter to me in similar yet keenly different ways that cannot be so easily swapped. I thank you for bringing this worry to my attention and will be doing my best to assuage it in the future.
Unfortunately, I do not know how to do tax evasion. You will have to keep searching for that knowledge as I cannot supply it. Though I must admit to being curious about what we are even being taxed on, and if it’s a taxation truly worth the trouble of such a feat. With my limited taxation knowledge I do have one suggestion though, have you considered registering as a charity or non-profit? That would likely have a similar effect if my knowledge is to be believed.
I will keep the cuddles in mind, though I do not consider myself much of a touchy person I am thankful for the offer. However, I am as they say ‘no snitch’ and will thus not be informing you about unregulated illegal cuddles. Apologies in advance.
To finally answer the actual test question though, it has brought me endless relief to know you all. I am quite happy, though I do sometimes struggle to show it. Trust me when I say there is no place I would rather be than here with all of you. It warms my heart to know the trust put in me by allowing me to room in your mansion, and I will make sure it is not misplaced.
Now for my own rules, though there will be no test for these ones.
- You are welcome in my room at any time, but if I am praying please wait until I am finished to talk with me unless it is quite important we talk immediately.
- I have a high preference for salty things, please keep extra salt around in the kitchen for my use.
- As I am already aware Dice has a strict no lockpicking policy, but I would like to reiterate to not try and get into any locked drawers.
- Please do not remove the bookmarks from any of my books.
- I am often up at odd hours, please do not be alarmed if you see me still awake or hear me walking around late at night.
- I have hypnagogic sleep paralysis, please do not be alarmed if something seems off if you see me falling asleep. It will pass shortly and I will safely fall asleep.
- I also cannot have dairy please keep this in mind for any future meals. Though if you see me indulging in ice cream or otherwise dairy products I must ask you to mind your own business.
Those are all the rules I can think of at the moment, though more may come up if I can think of any, but this shall cover the basics.
From, Priest Kouchi