Chapter Text
Sanji spent the next week in complete bliss, he had never felt this much joy in his life. Pariston fawned over him everyday, buying him flowers and chocolates and sparklier and sparklier suits. They took constant trips in Pariston’s private jet to the Whole Foods down the street so Sanji could get the best organic ingredients to cook with for their romantic candlelight dinners. Every night Sanji would return to the apartment he shared with Zoro, cross the tape dividing their halves of the apartment, flop down on the couch and switch the channel from Zoro’s hockey games to Martha Stewart cooking shows and gush to Zoro and Chopper about his new and BETTER boyfriend.
Sanji was on the couch now, enthusiastically bragging about Pariston. Chopper had adjusted to this new normal, happy that he basically had three dads now. Four if you counted the dead one. Zoro was tired of missing Winnipeg Jets games so Sanji could have his housewifey moments for Pariston.
Sanji’s phone buzzed. “Oh! I bet that’s him now, he’s so attentive,” Sanji giggled. His face fell when he checked the message.
“Your stupid boyfriend text again?” Zoro asked, angrily checking sports updates on his phone. The Jets were losing, by the way.
“No,” Sanji huffed. “It’s Roy Mustang from the pick up artist group.”
“You actually went to that thing?” Zoro raised an eyebrow. “Cringe.”
“Shut up, mosshead.”
Sanji opened the text on his phone. It read, “Hey, you bottom bitch are you showing up tonight? You said you would, and only feminine soyboys flake like women. - Roy.” Sanji groaned, he had completely forgotten to block Roy Mustang’s number.
“Are you sure it’s not your boyfriend? You’re blushing really hard,” Zoro said.
“I… I am?” Sanji asked. He reached up to touch his cheeks and it felt like touching a hot stove. He didn’t realize that stupid jerk could make him feel that way. Then Sanji felt guilty, he already had such a loving caring provider (boyfriend)(Pariston).
“Yeah, I’ve never seen you blush that hard, not even when I first kissed you,” Zoro said, leaning closer to Sanji, and wrapping a well muscled arm around his shoulders.
Sanji was stunned and felt himself blushing even harder. Maybe he did like more dominant guys. Maybe he did make a mistake not trying harder for Zoro.
“Do you remember?” Zoro whispered into Sanji’s ear. “When I pushed your slender body against the brick wall in that back alley, my arms pinning your wrists above your head, my full weight against you…”
“Yeah…” Sanji said breathlessly, leaning into Zoro.
“And I looked into your beautiful blue eyes and grabbed your chin, your adam’s apple bobbing up and down nervously, wanting to be the first man to steal a kiss from your plump lips…”
“Yeah…”
“And I leaned in, just like this…” Zoro murmured against Sanji’s lips, his other hand reaching to cup Sanji’s face. Sanji closed his eyes, fully overtaken by the romantic Zoro he hadn’t seen in so long.
(A/N: You can see which ship I REALLY support teehee ^_^)
Right as their lips were about to meet, Zoro lifted his hand from Sanji’s face and instead grabbed him in a chokehold. “Now give me the remote, you bastard!” Zoro said, swiping it from Sanji now that he was completely off guard. After he had the remote in his hand and changed to the hockey game before he shoved Sanji to the other side of the couch.
“Oh, that was low! You son of a bitch!” Sanji shouted, jumping up from the couch and pointing an accusatory finger at Zoro.
“You’re in the way of the game, I can’t see,” Zoro said.
Chopper was also there by the way.
Sanji grabbed his suit jacket and stormed out, slamming the door behind him. He angrily punched out a text message to Roy, “Had a fight with my boyfriend, can you come pick me up and we can hang out before the meeting,” it read.
It was only a few minutes after Roy responded with a, “Sure thing, as long as you don’t mind riding like a woman on the back of my motorcycle ;)” that Sanji realized in the heat of the moment he had forgotten to specify Zoro was his ex -boyfriend. Surely this wouldn’t cause any issues later.
Sanji had finished his fourth cigarette by the time Roy showed up, revving his motorcycle like an asshole. He lifted up a helmet for Sanji. Unlike Roy’s helmet and the rest of the motorcycle which was patterned with blue flames, this helmet was hot pink and sparkly.
“Get on, babe!” Roy shouted over the engine of his motorcycle. Sanji blushed again, snubbing his cigarette out and doing a gay little jog to meet Roy.
“Thanks!” Sanji said, snapping the helmet on. He thought it was a surprisingly fitting choice.
“You gotta hold on to me, okay, hot stuff.”
Sanji’s face felt suspiciously warm again. “Like this?” he asked shyly, wrapping his arms loosely around Roy.
“Nah, like this,” Roy said, grabbing Sanji’s dainty feminine wrists and tightening his grip, placing Sanji’s hands near his chest. “Hang on to me, okay? As tight as you need to,” he said, turning to wink at Sanji, not that he could really see it through the helmet.
Sanji gripped onto Roy’s boobs and leaned his head on Roy’s shoulder, nuzzling his cheek against his warm leather jacket. Roy revved the engine again and started driving to his apartment.
Between the constant hum of the engine and the warmth of Roy in front of him, Sanji felt extremely relaxed. His mind started drifting off. He couldn’t believe what Zoro had done to him, knowing exactly how much trouble Sanji had getting over Zoro against him. It was kind of homophobic to be honest. But Roy had been there for him, no questions asked. Not only that, he had been there as soon as he could in his cool ass masculine motorcycle. Even though Sanji was dating Pariston who was basically the perfect boyfriend, he couldn’t help being lured in by Roy’s alpha male bad boy charms. And Roy’s big boobs didn’t help matters. Sanji wasn’t sure why he didn’t call Pariston first, who was always ready to listen to him bitch about Zoro. But there was something so warm and familiar about Roy that was alluring. Sanji didn’t want to think about how similar he was to Zoro, the same fiery passion burning inside him. Although Zoro called him less slurs.
And while Pariston treated him like a princess, Roy treated him like a trophy. As weird as it was, Sanji didn’t mind being wanted, if objectified, like this. Speaking of, Sanji was confused as to why everyone started treating him like a woman. Not confused in a negative way, just confused. And before he could unpack that any further, they arrived at Roy’s apartment.
Roy parked his motorcycle and got off, offering Sanji a leather clad hand. Sanji took it and Roy helped him off. Roy took Sanji’s helmet off, their eyes meeting in an intense, passionate stare. Sanji’s blue orbs like a crystal clear lake full of pain and sadness peered into Roy’s brown eyes like a half melted chocolate bar left in a hot car. Sanji was the first to break the gaze, shyly looking towards the ground instead, his face burning again.
“Can I ask you a favor?” Roy asked.
“I’ll do whatever, thanks for getting me out of that situation,” Sanji said.
“So you know how I’ve got like 5,000 subscribers on YouTube? Well some of them are suspicious that I’m not getting as many bitches as I say I do, and they’re leaving some pretty awful comments. And obviously I am getting bitches, but this is just such a good opportunity because you’re so gorgeous and so easily flustered, like you can’t even tear your gaze away from me, so can you pretend to be one of the plates I’m spinning?”
“What?” Sanji asked, trying to process that Roy had just called him gorgeous.
“Didn’t you pay attention to the vocab I gave you guys in the pick up artist meetings? It’s like, you know, spinning plates… having a lot of bitches at once? Being a cool guy? Who gets so many bitches? Like me?”
“I guess I did say I would do anything,” Sanji said half heartedly.
“Okay, cool, great. So the first step is obviously giving you a makeover,” Roy said cheerfully, throwing an arm around Sanji’s shoulders and leading him to the apartment. Sanji was flustered again, Roy was just such an affectionate guy.
Roy unlocked the door to his apartment and threw it open, proudly presenting his alpha male living space to Sanji. The room was dark, its black walls and ceiling lit only by the natural light coming in from the door. Sanji could hardly see the furniture, but he knew it was expensive. Still, the place was minimalist, although the dominant color was black instead of white. “You like it?” Roy asked. “I call it dark luxury.”
Sanji walked inside and turned on a lamp so he could actually see. “It's beautiful, I wish I lived in a place like this. Zoro can’t decorate for shit and he won’t let me put anything up. And if I tried to put something with taste together like this he would say it's too garish.”
Roy walked inside and wrapped his arm around Sanji’s waist. “Just wait until you see the bedroom.”
Sanji jumped a little, surprised at how forward Roy was, but melted into his arms and let himself be led into the bedroom.
“Here,” Roy said, opening the door to his bedroom and pointing at his desk chair. “I’ve got some makeup I can use for you, you know, in case any of the bitches I bring back need to touch up or something, so just sit there and I’ll help you put it on.”
“I’ve never worn makeup before, what if it looks…bad?” Sanji asked anxiously, sitting on the creaking desk chair.
“It won’t, don’t worry, I’m good at putting it on, I’ve watched some of those videos you know, with the contouring and all. So don’t worry, babe.”
Sanji closed his eyes, unsure of what would be the most helpful thing to do. He gasped and his eyes flew open when he felt a large weight landed on his lap, looking right into Roy Mustang’s eyes again. “Sorry, no homo and all, but this is gonna give me the best angle,” Roy explained, setting a variety of products on the desk next to them.
“Are you sure this is alright? This chair seems pretty unstable, don’t you want to move to the bed or something?” Sanji asked.
“No way, that’s too much for one no homo to cover. Now grab my hips to keep me in place.”
Roy turned on the camera on the desk, adjusting it until both of them were in frame. “Okay, so today I’m showing off how pretty one of my bitches is, and I’m gonna do their makeup to show all of you. Now this is Troisième,” Roy paused. Sanji gave a half hearted wave to the camera. Internally his thoughts were a mix of makeuptheythemthename?heknowsfrenchheknowsimfrenchandalsotheythem?theythem?? “And she’s just absolutely flawless. Take a look at this skin, these eyes, how long those eyelashes are. There’s a lot of good real estate on this canvas, and I know real estate. You can’t pull a bitch like this unless you know the tips and tricks I can give you on this channel. Like and subscribe if you haven’t already. And turn those notifications on so you can catch the next epic video I make with any one of my flawless girlfriends.” Roy frowned and turned off the camera and got up. “Sorry, babe, I forgot highlighter and we have to make those cheekbones pop.”
“Hey, um, what’s going on?” Sanji asked. “I thought I was just showing up as your boyfriend or whatever for a few seconds, not all this.”
“You’re my girlfriend now, no homo. I just thought I’d change up the pronouns you know, no homo and all? Thought you wouldn’t mind sorry,” Roy called from the bathroom where he was searching through his makeup organizer to find the perfect colored highlighter.
“And the French? Why do you know what my name means and then choose my girl codename based on it?” Sanji asked, still wrestling with the pronouns moment.
“Pariston taught me, he knows French, you know? Paris ton and all. Really only got the numbers down right now though. But if you're, you know, three, that means like, you’re my third current bitch at the moment, right? Here, I found a good shade, we can keep filming.”
“Um, okay,” Sanji said. “Do you want to get on my lap again?”
“Yeah, I told you, that’s the easiest way,” Roy said, settling down again. “Plus it’s pretty alpha like, I’m on top, right?”
Sanji didn’t have the heart to say this seemed pretty beta based on what he remembered from the meetings as he wrapped his arms around Roy’s hips again.
Roy turned on the camera and started back where he left off. “Okay, so we’re starting with some nice moisturizer,” Roy said, leaning close to Sanji and massaging the product in. He held the jar up to the camera, putting his hand behind it so the camera would focus on it. Roy’s situation was precarious, threatening to have the guy topple over at any moment if Sanji wasn’t locked on to his hip. “And this is from Giorgio Armani, we only use luxury goods here. And this is a primer spray, it keeps the makeup in place.”
Roy gently lifted up Sanji’s chin and sprayed the primer on his face. Sanji was surprised Roy could treat anybody this gently. It was a different kind of pampering than the kind Pariston offered, where he bought Sanji gifts, but never (not) homoerotically rubbed moisturizer into his face.
“You can see Troisième’s face is already perfect, and I’m not here to mess with perfection. I would move on to brows, but there’s no reason too, any girl would kill for a brow with this perfect of a curl. Now we’re going to go for some pretty bright eyeshadow here, so we’re gonna start with a base of eyeshadow primer first so it shows up better and it’s not patchy,” Roy explained. He poured some out on his fingers and rubbed them together before tenderly applying it to Sanji’s eyelids. Sanji did his best not to let his eyelids flutter the way his heart was as Roy applied it. Roy grabbed a brush and a variety of blue eyeshadows. “We’re gonna start with a light blue base, and gently dust it over with this fluffy brush like so, because we’re doing a smokey eye. And then I’m gonna blend it out so there’s no hard lines. And now we’re gonna go in with a darker blue, but not too dark, and start from the corner and go up to the eye crease. With a clean blush we’re gonna pick up an in between shade and blend it out into a smooth gradient. Just for fun, I’m gonna add a white shimmer to the corner here so it pops. And because this is a smokey eye, I’m gonna use a gel liner, so I can trace where the smokey eye goes and then blend it all out. Now we’re not using false lashes for them, these natural lashes are already perfect. But I’m gonna apply some lengthening Better Than Sex mascara,” Roy said leaning in. Almost inaudibly, he whispered to Sanji, “I know I said Better Than Sex mascara, but still, no homo.” He carefully continued applying the mascara, showering Sanji in compliments the whole time.
“Now on the lips, we’re gonna go a nude matte lip, and this shade is called Another Day, Another Nude from Kylie Cosmetics,” Roy continued, shooting Sanji a look that read no homo. “And we’re all done with the makeup. We’ll be back with the clothes in a few minutes.”
Roy turned the camera off and offered Sanji a mirror. “So what do you think?” he asked.
“I didn’t sign up for this but…” Sanji trailed off, looking at himself in the mirror. I feel pretty, he finished internally with a flutter of feelings he couldn’t describe.
(A/N Trans Sanji real, right here, right now)
“I did a really nice job,” Roy said, mostly to himself. He got up and offered Sanji a hand again, ready to lead him into the closet. Sanji took it, a little bit unsteady.
“Now before you ask, like the makeup, this is also for the bitches I bring back, in case they need a change of clothes you know. I mean, I’m always tearing them off, it gets heated in the moment, you know,” Roy explained, standing in front of rows of skirts and dresses and heels.
“Yeah, sure,” Sanji said.
“I’m not gonna watch you change or anything, bro, so just pick out whatever you want and show me when you’re done,” Roy said, walking out and sliding the closet door shut on Sanji.
Sanji stood there for a moment, at a loss of where to even begin. In a way he felt scared, peeling off his suit jacket felt like taking off a protective exoskeleton. He started looking through the racks absentmindedly, not sure what he was looking for. Nothing was calling out to him until he spotted a nice blue skirt. Blue, that was a color he looked good in, he could start there safely. He pulled it out from the racks, and changed into it quickly. And now the button up didn’t match so he had to find some kind of nice top. One that wasn’t Roy.
“Hey, Roy?” Sanji called out.
“Are you ready?” Roy called back.
“No, um, I need help.”
“With what? You know how to put clothes on right? Unless you just want a hands-on experience.”
“I don’t know what to pick.”
“So you do want me to come in?”
“Yeah, I think it’ll help.”
Roy walked back in and had his breath taken away by seeing Sanji in that skirt. He coughed awkwardly into his fist, mumbling something that sounded like no homo. Roy reached into the depths of his What Not to Wear knowledge and went to work searching through the racks of shirts. “Well so, your skirt is pretty loose, so let's try and get a tighter shirt on you to show off your figure.”
Sanji blushed again, feeling helpless hearing Roy’s words. “What do you mean by my figure?”
“You know, the goods,” Roy said, tracing out an hourglass figure in the air with his hands.
Sanji stood there for a bit without responding before sifting through the racks again mindlessly.
“Hey, I got something that’ll work,” Roy said triumphantly. He pulled out a white tube top. “It’s not gonna go on easily though, especially if you don’t want to smear your makeup. You, uh, want help again?”
“Let me just…get my shirt off then,” Sanji said awkwardly, his slender fingers already tearing at the buttons.
“Oh yeah, uh, go ahead, man. Not gonna look or anything you know, not interested or anything.” Roy turned and started chanting under his breath no homo, no homo to himself to ward off the demons of bisexuality.
Sanji folded his shirt and placed it on top of the last of his clothing. “I’m ready now.”
“Okay, uh, lift up your arms,” Roy said, trying to avert his eyes as much as possible. He slipped the top around Sanji’s arms and over his head, careful to avoid his face.
Sanji could feel Roy’s fingers sliding the tube top over his chest, adjusting it as he went. The kisses of heat from the tips of Roy’s fingers on his cool skin, strange and inviting.
“It’s on, babe,” Roy said, patting Sanji on the shoulder.
Sanji looked into the mirror, unsure of how to feel. It felt like something more had happened than just a change of clothes. He tried not to think about it, fixated on the fact that Roy was calling him babe again. “What do you think?” he asked Roy, not venturing anything of his own yet.
“You look stunning,” Roy said genuinely, and then left the closet in a hurry, fighting the demons.
Gingerly, Sanji turned, trying to see every angle. As he did, his skirt twirled pleasantly, and Sanji started turning from side to side, twirling his skirt even more. Might be fun to do some kicks in it, he thought. He stepped out of the closet shyly. Roy gave him a thumbs up and a big smile, turning the camera to face Sanji. Sanji smiled and gave a full 360 skirt twirl for the camera.
“So, uh, subscribe to Mustang4Women if you want to pull in men and women like this,” Sanji offered hesitantly.
Roy frowned and fumbled to turn off the camera. “I’m not bisexual!” he hissed.
Sanji blinked. “Okay, but you’ve been calling me babe all day?”
“That’s different, that’s like… a really heterosexual thing to call someone.”
“Just edit it out then?” Sanji offered.
“I don’t know how,” Roy said pathetically. “And I refuse to pay for the software. So I just use Windows Movie Maker.” He sniffled.
“Okay well, congrats on coming out to your subscribers then.”
Roy frowned, “I’m not even bisexual.”
“And I’m not your girlfriend?” Sanji retorted.
“Babe, please,” Roy said.
Sanji was exasperated. “You are so…”
“Anyways, do you want to change?” Roy said, quickly changing the subject. “Like, do you want to go to the meeting like that or?”
Sanji hesitated for a minute too long. “I could…try it, I guess.” Sanji felt more than a bit unsteady, his thoughts swirling around. It wasn’t a feeling he wanted to let go of just yet, though.
“Do you want to keep pretending to be my girlfriend at the meeting? It would really emphasize how effective the seminars are. And then maybe we come back for dinner after?”
“I mean, I guess if it’ll help you out, sure,” Sanji said, the definition of in too deep. And if it could keep him feeling like this, in this outfit? Sure. “And dinner sounds nice, better than cooking for Zoro again, he doesn’t appreciate it at all. Plus, I don’t really want to go back to my house anytime soon.”
Roy looked excited. “You could stay over if you want, you know, as thanks for pretending to be my girlfriend.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea, thank you.”
And they headed off to the meeting on Roy’s loud ass motorcycle, Sanji clinging onto Roy even more tightly than before.