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FUNDY: You can never escape the nature of the world. Try as you might, it will always come for you. And oh boy, will you try. Welcome to Las Nevadas.
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FUNDY: Reports of a strange shape in the distance have shaken local residents in Las Nevadas. It appears to be very small and very round, and approaches us at a slow pace. A group of volunteers have decided to go out and investigate what it could be that is haunting our horizons. They have taken with them a single tape recorder and a matchbox. While I’m not… sure about how that will help, I’m sure they’re professionals.
I considered sending the intern here at the radio station, Slime, to go and join them to find answers, but he just stared at me and shook his head. Even when I threatened to fire him, he refused to say a word, so in the end I gave up and let him carry on with whatever it was he was doing. I - don’t worry, listeners, I wasn’t actually going to fire Slime. I don’t think I could, at least? He always comes back. And he does listen to me more than anyone else, so.
But back to the distant visitor. According to the calculations of our local fast food seller, Tubbo, it’s currently moving at a very slow speed and is unlikely to get near us for another month, and then we should have another month to get out of the way before it really hits. That is, if it continues at the current pace. Tubbo said his calculations are based on a closed system, so if we can find a way to stop it there shouldn’t be a problem. While he is a fast food seller, he’s also a very smart physicist, so I trust his judgement here. For now.
And now onto our advice column.
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FUNDY: Welcome to Fundy’s Fixes! You sent in your concerns and questions, and I am going to respond to you, so you can get some advice or judgement. It depends on how I feel today, and let me give you a hint: today I feel like jam. So. Yeah.
First up we have Stanley, who says:
‘Hey Fundy. I heard you’re good at handling shifting body shapes and how your entire life can be changed by something you can’t help, so I decided to ask for your advice. See, I woke up the other day to complete darkness, which was quite strange because it was eight a.m. and there should have been light from the window. It took a few moments, but I then realised I was underneath my noticeboard, which I usually hang above my bed to stay organised. I couldn’t seem to lift it off, and when my family finally found me and got it off, I was completely changed. I was… flat. Every single part of me had been squashed until I was less than an inch in thickness, and could barely look left or right. I could move, though, which is a real relief because it means I can still attend school and do normal teenage things like flying kites. The only thing is, recently I’ve been called all kinds of names, and I can’t even butter my toast in the mornings. I feel really helpless about it all, and was wondering if you had any advice as to how to… go back to my unflattened self, I guess? From Stan.’
Well, Stan, it sounds like a classic conundrum. I’ve seen something like this before, and I think there’s a way to get out of this. But remember this: you can be anything you want to be. That includes a few centimetres flat. If you’re fully, fully sure that you want to re-inflate yourself, I recommend a trip to the kids section of the library.
The next letter is from someone who just calls themself ‘Dad’. Hmm. I’m hoping this isn’t what I think it is.
‘Hi son. You are my son, my son boy, my lovely little fox boy, and I miss you every day. I walk into the desert and stare up at your radio station and listen to you talk about your funny little stories, and then I cry.
Did you know that when I left you at the doorstep of my enemy, I didn't mean to abandon you? He was my political rival, and you were my political rival, and it was so complicated and messy in a way that I can’t explain even with the many words people always tell me are at my disposal. But I still loved you, and it hurt me to see that you had so easily entrusted yourself to my enemy instead. Didn’t you know I was right behind you? Why did you go so far into that role? Why make yourself a traitor, even if you were a false one? I didn’t want a double agent. I wanted my son.
I still do, even though you’re once again in the hands of another rival of mine. I heard you moved to Las Nevadas, and got employed there, and apparently you work with a slime? To be honest, Quackity didn’t seem to want to dwell on your doings much, but I heard enough to know you had found yourself a dull job in a dull town and needed a little rescuing. Don’t worry, though! Your dad is here to save the day, and we can go home to my new burger van and be a happy little family again!
Is this your little gossip column, then? It says I need to write down the problem I want advice or solutions for so - Fundy, hello Fundy. I have a problem that I’m sure only you can fix. I want my son back.’
Well, this is stupid. It’s not even asking for advice. And uh - heads up, Wil? It’s kinda creepy to stand outside and stare at my house every day. Yeah. I’ve seen you. Can you get back to your new hot dog van - or what was it? Burger van? Either way, go back and leave me alone. Geez, this isn’t the Fundy show.
Anyway, the rest of these are super boring so I’m going to skip to the next segment. Next time, try to be a little more entertaining, yeah?
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FUNDY: Now for the community calendar.
On Monday, we have a festival celebrating the existence of our humble little nation. On Tuesday, Tubbo will be taking a day off, so any and all businesses he is the sole worker of will be closed. It is entirely his own business what he will be doing that day, but rumour has it that he’s either taking his son to the zoo or working on a particle accelerator deep underground, so. One of those. If you see him at the zoo, say hi to him for me.
Wednesday brings a summoning of a solution to the approaching figure in the distance. We will stand around and hold hands and chant until one of us finally gets an idea. In the past, this has never worked, but it sure would be nice if it did this time. Wink wink. Nudge nudge. If there are any deities out there willing to help us figure out what it is, that’d be very cool and cute of them, if you know what I mean. On Thursday, we’re hiding our bread. Every single loaf, out of sight, out of hearing range. Wear the noise cancelling headphones provided by the country’s rulemakers, aka Quackity, and do not pay attention to the hooded figures. On Friday, if your bread is missing, you could always buy from our new bakery! It will be freshly restocked by then. Cheap prices, sourced locally!
Saturday is in its goth rock phase. If you hear the telltale sounds of The Cure or Bauhaus, just smile and nod politely. We’re trying to be better to Saturday than we ever were to Friday about this whole thing. As for Sunday… I’ve been told to keep that a secret! Being more prepared won’t change your fate, and it won’t mean a single thing! Lots to look forward to there.
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FUNDY: We’ve received more news about the strange shape in the distance. Apparently, it’s a snake. That’s right. Just a snake. Just a huge, gigantic snake that’s probably big enough to barrel through our little country and destroy everything here. Just an entirely unstoppable snake.
Every team we’ve sent out has tried to put things in its way, some even standing there themselves, but everyone and everything in its path is destroyed. Destroyed cleanly, neatly, like a perfect tunnel through whatever originally stood there. Or whoever originally stood there.
I know what you’re thinking, but I asked XD if he could do anything about it and he texted back on his god phone that there was nothing he could do to stop it. There was nothing anyone could do except get out of the way.
There are some forces, apparently, that even the gods cannot save us from.
And now, the weather.
# Weather: the fruits by Paris Paloma #
XD: [Audio: Static. 11 seconds.]
FUNDY: Are you sure?
XD: [Audio: Static. 3 seconds.]
FUNDY: Oh. Well, listeners, you heard him. It looks like we have a month yet, just like Tubbo said. So it’s time to set down a preparation plan. I have here the official Las Nevadas evacuation plan, if you’d care to listen:
1) DO NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, attempt to explode anything. Under contract, you are legally bound to your house and its safety. Explosions are DISALLOWED.
2) Take ALL important items with you. If there are thieves, they CAN and WILL strike during this opportunity, so you MUST NOT allow them any reward. Items which DO NOT count as important include: rocks, water bottles, piles of dirt, and the rotting flesh of monsters.
3) If you see Quackity trying to escape, STEP ASIDE. He usually has a very important plan going on and getting in his way will only cause you further distress later on, so DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. Just move.
Further rules and steps can be found in your own personal handbook, which is on sale at the casino for only one thousand credits. Alternatively, they can be obtained for free if you are willing to break a few laws and casino windows, but this method is not officially endorsed by the Las Nevadas government.
There are a few more things to say on this matter, of course.
After all, the snake will eventually pass. And when it does, we will have to go on with our lives. Whether your house is intact, or your workplace, or the roads you take in between the points of your life well charted by buildings, life will still go on. It is that which we must prepare for more than anything else, as that is the time which will last the longest.
We know where exactly this great snake will go. We can chart the path with immense precision. You can play it safe, or you can try to fight this, but there are some people who will be affected no matter what they try to do to prevent it. They need to accept that whatever place that once was there will no longer be very, very soon.
Under contract, you are legally bound to your house and its safety. Under contract, you must protect this country. Under contract, you cannot win. If this unstoppable force, this awful serpent, comes through your property, it is doomed to extinction and you, too, are doomed to protect it. You, too, are doomed.
So, bad news about that approaching visitor: it’s heading straight towards this radio station.