Chapter Text
A day passes. They stay mostly out of each other’s way, not speaking to one another. Daryl barely looks in Rick’s direction, though it’s more of a submissive, guilty avoidance, than it is a frustrated one.
And it’s not like it was out of character for Daryl to avoid eye contact in the first place.
Rick stands, looking over the group, making mental notes of where everyone was.
Regardless of anything that had happened, or anything that Rick was witnessing throughout the day, he does not expect Daryl to approach him, when the day is on the cusp of sunset, timidly ducking his head when he gets close enough to Rick and quietly saying, “We gotta talk.”
He does not expect that at all.
He does not waste time, sneaking away from the group, with Rosita and Glenn taking watch.
Rick had tried not to look too surprised, though he isn’t sure how well he actually achieved that. He’s sure that Daryl had caught the way his eyes widened, and the way that Rick had genuinely almost done a double take.
Whatever miracle had changed Daryl’s mind was not something that Rick would ask questions about, not yet at least. He’s extremely content to let Daryl do the talking. He didn’t want to scare the archer off.
It wasn’t hard to give Daryl a nod, and sneak away with him. They walk to an open enough area, with the least amount of blind spots, somewhere far enough from the others that Daryl can drop his shoulders a little, less tension in him. They walk in silence, but Rick can seriously hear the archer thinking.
After another few silent minutes, Rick’s about to suggest sitting down, when Daryl turns around to face him, abruptly.
The archer takes a deep breath, steadying himself. He doesn’t quite manage eye contact, but he is looking in Rick’s direction, which is already more than Rick was expecting from him.
“’s called age regression.” The archer says, his eyes dart up to Rick’s and then down again, but he doesn’t shy away, like he might have other times. Rick can see the gears turning in Daryl’s head. Just start with what you already know.
“‘s when someone is in the headspace of a child.” Something that Rick had inferred but had never been explicitly stated until now. He takes note of the way that Daryl is speaking, factually. Rick realises that he’s probably trying to make it less personal, less about him. Distancing himself from it, just in case.
“Sometimes it might not be by that much, could be an older kid” He tilts his head to the side a little. “Sometimes some regressors get real little, jus’ depends I guess.” He tilts his head to the other side. Rick doesn’t know if he realises that he’s doing it, but it’s endearing.
“They’re called regressors.” Daryl backtracks, small, thoughtful frown on his face. “Some people like being called a little instead. It’s cuter, or something. Less… adult sounding.” He starts blushing a little as he speaks. The blush, and the uncertainty in his words, hesitant, lets Rick know that they’re starting to head into more personal territory.
Daryl looks up, meeting Rick’s eyes, and maintaining eye contact with him while he speaks. “And it ain’t just playing pretend, it’s like you really are whatever age you feel, you know, like a little kid. Definitely ain’t sexual, shouldn’t be.” He shakes his head, displeased frown paired with furrowed eyebrows. The look isn’t directed at Rick, but he can tell that this is something incredibly important to Daryl. He can tell that if there’s one thing that he definitely needs Rick to take away from this conversation, it’s that.
Though Rick’s sure that that won’t be the only thing he’s taking away from this. Rick nods, sensing that Daryl needs the confirmation. He supposes that if that was something Rick couldn’t wrap his head around, all of this was stopping immediately. That was a good thing, a boundary that certainly wouldn’t be crossed.
Daryl’s head ducks lower as he starts speaking again, seeming to just be blurting out things before he gets the chance to think. Rick could appreciate that method.
“Some people do it cause of trauma and stuff. I don’t know, sometimes people just wanna get another childhood.” Daryl kicks at the ground softly as he says the words.
Rick considers what’s been said, what they’re yet to say, and slowly speaks up for the first time since coming out here. “You told me that it felt like you’ve been doin’ this forever.”
There are a lot of things that he wants to ask about. A lot of things that he needs to ask about too, with only a few of those questions overlapping the two. This seems like a smart place to start though. Just start with what you already know.
Get Daryl to go into more detail about something that he had already gone through the vulnerability of sharing.
Daryl nods. “In a way. More about what I wished for, you know, if I was really upset or something. What I wanted. Kid stuff.” Rick’s catching on to the tactic that Daryl has, of rushing out dot points of information and getting Rick to link it all together in his own head. So that some things never needed to be said out loud. Even so, this was far more than Rick had ever gotten from him about this.
“How little do you get then? To want whatever you want?” Rick asks, still trying to maintain the perfect balance of soft but not too soft. He doesn’t know how well his efforts have been with that, though. All that Rick can think about is please don’t fuck this up and scare him off.
Daryl shrugs, biting his lip. Rick almost thinks that he’s going to start backtracking. The foot that’s been kicking at the ground becomes more insistent. It’s better than making his fingers bleed, Rick tries to look on the bright side.
“Don’t think I’ve ever had a set age. Just… jus’ real little.” He says quietly, bringing the knuckle of his index finger to rest against his lips, and shifting his weight from foot to foot. “Younger than five.” He whispers.
Rick can see the anxiety start to come back, just from those three words alone. He isn’t surprised at that, it’s probably the most vulnerable thing he’s said. Too open. Too honest. Rick tries to keep him in the present. Not stuck in his head.
“Come here.” Rick says, trying not to sound dismissive of what Daryl had said. He walks over to one of the trees, sitting at the base of it. He props his legs up and casually rests his elbows on his knees. Daryl doesn’t look any less exposed and vulnerable, but he does easily take Rick’s lead, and sits beside him quietly.
Rick tilts his head to look towards Daryl, who’s mirroring Rick’s position for the most part. His thumbnail has made its way into his mouth somewhere on the trip over, and he’s hiding behind his hair, but it doesn’t make Rick feel worried. The fact that the archer is here, still taking his lead, shows that Rick really doesn’t have anything to worry about.
“Never had anyone look after you? Even though you’re really little?” He asks, hoping to not sound too cautious. It’s another way of asking if anyone else has known about this, to this degree. Another way of asking how long Daryl has known about this, to this degree. Rick’s surprised at how little it feels like he’s on thin ice. It almost startles him how easy this is going.
Daryl hums a ‘no’, shaking his head. “Sorta regressed around a psychologist once, but that was mostly an accident. ‘sides that, I’ve always been alone. No one else has even known ‘bout it.” Daryl takes his thumbnail out of his mouth, going to pick at his skin. “Not ‘till recently.” Rick watches as the archer swallows hard. Over what part, Rick has no idea.
“You regressed on accident?” Rick asks, instead of wondering about the psychologist part. At least for now. He’s sure that there must be a lot to that story, and he’s also sure that he doesn’t want to push his luck. This conversation is about them, and frankly, Rick’s surprised that Daryl had even mentioned that.
“Sometimes it’s involuntary. From stress and stuff. Or,” He shrugs, and Rick can see the blush coming back, as the archer’s voice becomes quieter. “Jus’ seeing something cute, childlike. Puts you into headspace.”
It’s probably a good thing that Daryl has his eyes trained on his shuffling feet, and not Rick, with the way a warm, incredibly fond smile takes over Rick.
“Can you hide it well?” Rick asks, silently asking if Daryl’s ever accidentally regressed around any of them before. He could understand why Daryl hadn’t wanted to share this before, he knows that he wouldn’t be too keen to admit to this, especially if he had only just found a group of people that accepted him, and considered him their family.
Daryl nods, somewhere between factual and uncertain. It’s a balance that only he could pull off, Rick’s sure. “You don’ know what you’re looking for.” Daryl mumbles as explanation, shaking his head to get hair out of his eyes. The angle he has of staring at the ground only makes it fall back into his face immediately.
Rick hums. “So what does it look like, for you?”
Daryl blushes, visibly dropping his shoulders to try and seem more confident. “Wantin’ everything I never got.” He says. Rick’s equal amounts surprised and proud at Daryl for not whispering the words. “Attention, a hug, stuffed animals and shit.” Daryl ponders his next words for a second. “Don’t really know what I’m like.” He shrugs one shoulder. “Never had anyone to tell me what I’m like. Clingy, I guess, shy.”
Rick smiles, ducking his head to see Daryl’s eyes. The archer makes eye contact with him for a moment, then looks down at the ground again. “I can work with that.” Rick reassures, without hesitation. “Can I ask you something?”
Daryl nods. He doesn’t look uncomfortable, even given the conversation, he just looks a little bit lost. It makes Rick feel happy, compared to some of their other talks, that was way better. He knows that Daryl surely wouldn’t be this not uncomfortable around anyone.
“You said that it helps to cope with trauma, and stress, right? So it makes you feel better if you’re in the right environment? It helps?” Daryl nods again, like he isn’t sure where this is going, confused expression on his face. “So the anxiety, is that from not being able to get into headspace, or not being able to get out of it?” Rick asks, the question has been on the back of his mind since they started talking.
Daryl stills, looking vulnerable. A little more lost than only a few minutes earlier. It was entirely possible that Daryl didn’t even know anymore. Which would also be fine, Rick isn’t going to push to try and work it out. He’s just curious, now that he knows a little more, is a little more confident in his own thoughts. It was also possible that Daryl hadn’t expected Rick to recognise things like that.
Daryl slowly shuffles his feet, tilting his head in what could be a shrug, but the movement is small enough to not give much away, besides the fact that Daryl was stuck in his own thoughts.
“Do you feel it building up, like with the anxiety attacks?” Rick tries to redirect the archer’s attention. It’s another question that he’s curious about, now that he knows more.
Daryl nods, looking like he’s in more familiar territory, and less internal conflict. A touch more factual, for him. “Sometimes feel like I need to slip really badly, ‘cause of no sleep, anxious and shit.” He furrows his eyebrows, realising that this is new to Rick. “That’s what it’s called, when you’re going into headspace, some people call it slipping.” He does his best to explain, turning his head to look at Rick. Clearly it’s odd for him to need to explain this to anyone.
“How does it feel?” Daryl’s shoulders have started to drop again, tension and anxiety slowly falling away. Good. That’s exactly what Rick wanted to happen.
Daryl tilts his head while he thinks. “Feels fuzzy, in a way, I don’t know, jus’ different.” Then he shakes his head, incredulously. “Sorry. Shit at explaining, don’t make any sense.” He sighs, frustrated, before turning his head to feign interest at their surroundings.
“No, you’re not.” Rick encourages. Then, before he can second guess it. “You’re doin’ a really good job.”
Daryl tenses slightly, before slowly relaxing again, he doesn’t say anything back, but Rick can tell that it has an effect on him. Rick’s not opposed to sliding him praise every now and then. Not when it’s Daryl, and not when it’s all true.
The silence stretches for longer, Rick figuring out the shift. This was the end of Daryl’s burst of rushing out information. He’s sure that right now, in this moment at least, the archer is willing to talk, but by this point Rick’s going to need to be the one to ask, to initiate. He also knows that sooner rather than later, Daryl was going to run out of talking energy.
Something that Rick might have worried over in earlier conversations, but not now. This isn’t the last chance that Rick has. Abruptly, he realises that that had been a very real fear of his, trying to push to learn as much as he could, because he was convinced that it might be the last time he could, before Daryl ran away and pretended like nothing had ever happened.
No, that wasn’t the case anymore. They had time.
“So you do like cuddling, then?” Rick decides on, voice light and teasing, with a warm grin, nudging Daryl’s shoulder.
Daryl’s blush deepens. He slowly nods, tucking his thumbnail into his mouth. He curls into himself a little, not in a defensive, closed off way, though.
Shy.
“And the pet names?” Rick continues.
“They’re good.” Daryl shyly mumbles, rushed out in one breath. Barely audible, but Rick’s sitting so close to the archer that it doesn’t help him at all.
Rick’s grin widens.
“What changed your mind? About telling me?” He feels like he’s in a safe enough zone to be able to ask about that now.
“Carol.” Is the answer he gets, spoken so open and honest, that it almost throws Rick for a loop. Regardless, he feels like he should have been able to guess that before now. Of course Carol could talk to him.
Rick’s not even jealous by it. If she can talk Daryl into talking to him, then he really doesn’t mind at all. In fact, he’s probably going to pull her aside and thank her for being an actual goddess on earth, later.
Daryl twists to look at him, head resting on his hand. As he makes eye contact, Rick can see how tired the archer looks. Mentally drained. “Wanted to tell you.” He says timidly, trying to convince Rick, trying to prove something. He didn’t need to.
“I know.” Rick reassures immediately, voice soft but not lacking seriousness. The last thing that Rick wanted was for Daryl to feel like he needed to prove something to Rick.
And the archer must be mentally drained because Rick watches as Daryl shivers at the words, a relieved sigh rippling through him. His actions, his thoughts, are so open and visible that Rick almost doesn’t know what to do.
Almost.
He drops his left leg to lay flat on the ground, and opens his left arm out in a silent invitation.
Daryl easily takes the cue, follows Rick’s lead, lets himself be open and honest around Rick.
As Daryl shuffles towards him until they’re pressed close together, the archer resting his head on Rick’s shoulder, Rick thinks to himself. Maybe the way to not let Daryl run away was by making sure that Daryl felt safe enough to let himself not run away.
“Let me help, when you’re feeling little. Don’t hide it from me, please.” Rick finds himself whispering to the archer. He doesn’t think that this is going away any time soon, but even so, he needs Daryl to know.
Because now that he knows, Rick doesn’t think he can live without helping Daryl with this.
He’s overly aware of Daryl’s tendency to feel stuck in a cage. That wasn’t his intention, never. “I’m not trying to control you.” He whispers, shaking his head, even though Daryl can’t quite see it from his position.
“I know.” Daryl whispers, hesitant, and Rick can hear the slight hint of fear in it. He’s no doubt trying to replicate what Rick had said earlier. It was different from him though, timid.
“I know that you know.” Rick reassures, lightly tracing circles on Daryl’s shoulder, the archer stills immediately. Daryl doesn’t need to prove anything to him. “Knowing and believing can be two different things, though. Sometimes it can take a while to let something like that sink in.”
“Yeah.” Daryl whispers, quieter than Rick. Slowly he relaxes more against Rick. He can still hear the archer’s thinking though, and hums to grab his attention.
“What is it?” Rick asks, trying to keep a sense of calmness, watching Daryl’s movements closely.
A few seconds of silence, and Daryl finds his voice, though it’s quiet and a little shaky.
“I ain’t easy.” He says, like Rick hasn’t thought this through. Like Rick hasn’t already agreed to this, all of this. Against the anxious words, Rick finds himself smiling a little. “Mhmm.” He hums in agreement.
Daryl instantly twists his head to look up at Rick with a betrayed look. Bottom lip jutted out in something close to a pout, and his eyes dangerously shiny. Vulnerable.
Rick’s smile widens. He leans closer to Daryl, to properly whisper near his ear. “You’re not easy and that doesn’t matter.”
Daryl pulls further away, tilting his head, eyebrows furrowing. He looks hurt, and confused, and it seriously shatters Rick’s heart.
Rick repeats each word slowly, making sure that Daryl is paying attention. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Kids aren’t easy, Daryl. It doesn’t matter if you are the most difficult thing to look after in the whole world, I’m not gonna leave. And I’m not gonna care about you any less.” Rick speaks clearly, honest and determined.
Daryl stares at him for a moment, expression not changing, his body still. It’s painfully obvious how hard Daryl’s trying not to move. Then his chin trembles against his will, and with a small, tired sob escaping, his mask falls. His eyes close immediately, though it does nothing to stop the tears falling down his cheeks.
He looks relieved and overwhelmed and upset all at once.
Rick does what he always has, and takes the lead. He gently pulls Daryl back towards him, the archer melting into his side without a fight. Really, he doesn’t think that Daryl’s actually that upset about anything, at least not right now. Rick hates to think about how long the archer has been anxious over what Rick would or wouldn’t say about this, and he knows Daryl well enough to know that he wouldn’t be assuming the best case scenario.
Daryl’s lax against him, exhausted sobs falling from him, pressed close to Rick’s shoulder. Rick runs his fingers through the archer’s hair lightly.
Rick just thinks that Daryl’s overwhelmed with relief and far too tired to handle it himself. Which is fine, because Rick’s here, and he’s not going to make Daryl handle things alone like that, not when he’s in this state. Not from here on out.
Even though they’ve only just talked about it, and even though Rick knows that he’s allowed to baby Daryl a little when he’s like this, and even though the pet names have previously rolled off of Rick’s tongue easier than he might have expected, he holds it back in this moment. He doesn’t want to add to the overwhelming feeling that Daryl surely has, and he doesn’t want to draw attention to anything that Daryl doesn’t want to think about right now. He’s not sure if Daryl really wants to be thinking about anything right now.
Maybe just being pressed close to Rick like this, in silence, is what he needs more. Continuous and steady breathing, gentle but firm hold on him, a constant reminder that Rick’s not going anywhere.
Which Rick is more than happy to provide too.
Because yes, Rick was taking the lead, but he was doing that by going off of Daryl’s cues, whether the archer knew it or not.
Rick prided himself on reading Daryl fairly well. Now he just needed to learn what else to look for, so that he could read him well when he was little too.