Chapter Text
Nina didn’t understand everything.
She understood her father, who she loved and trusted, had hurt her. Roy and his friends had told her as much, and the nice man with the glasses she had come to know as Maes had gently explained some of it to her when she sat on the ground and drew with him, telling him everything that had happened that dreaded night and trying not to cry.
She knew her father had killed her best friend, and everytime she looked in the mirror and saw her purple nose, she could sometimes feel his rough hands on her skin or taste the blood in her mouth. One time, when Elicia’s mom had started to cook a meal during one of their playdates, Nina had started to cry because she could smell the blood on the meat and it reminded her of that night. She had felt silly and embarrassed and so scared, and she didn’t know why, but Elicia’s dad held her anyway and petted her hair and whispered soft words like her father used too.
Still, with all that, Nina wasn’t quite sure all that had happened. She may have been little, but Miss Riza had told her she was strong and smart, and Nina knew well enough that her father needed her for alchemy, for that certification that made him so upset when blue suited soldiers stopped by, but beyond that, she didn’t understand what had really happened that night. It made her stomach hurt and her heart fast when she thought about it, and it made her dreams scary and dark and she always needed to be close to someone when the rooms were absent of light .
Even with the knowledge of what her father had done, and the fear that had latched to her because of him, Nina missed him. She missed him terribly. She missed him reading her books and playing with her dolls, chasing Alexander around the yard and eating meals. She even missed sitting with him in his study while he worked, Alexander at her feet, just wanting to be close to him. Nina missed her family.
She thought maybe that made her bad or ungrateful like her father had shouted at her that time, the words still etched into her mind, bubbling up everytime she felt scared or worried, but Maes had been so different when she tearfully expressed to him about missing her father, and if she would ever see him again.
He had told her very softly that her father was in jail because of what had happened, and it would be a while before she could ever see him again. It had made Nina both heartbroken and relieved.
Her emotions were confusing. Sometimes Nina wanted to cry for no reason at all, and sometimes she felt too sick to eat even her favorite meals. She was scared of the dark and didn’t like the smell of chalk and she even felt so angry she wanted to yell at everyone for no reason at all. She yelled at Roy once when he tried to give her lunch after a long playdate and hid in her room the rest of the day.
Nina wanted things to go back to how they were, but she knew better. She may not have understood everything, but she understood enough, and sometimes it hurt so bad she wanted to curl up and bury her face in her stuffies because her stomach pulsed with such harrowing pain she thought she might throw up.
The playdates with Elicia helped. They helped a lot. Elicia was bright and happy and made her grass crowns and played games, taking her hand and pulling her through the trees and the playground, or sharing her dolls and sweets with her, and she helped make the sharp pain in her heart hurt less. When Nina would cry, Elicia would hold her hand and hug her, and take her to Maes or her mother and sit until Nina felt better. Nina had apologized once for how much she cried, but Elicia had just hugged her and told her she was brave and strong, and friends helped each other.
Nina felt that Elicia was the first friend she ever had.
In the weeks following the first playdate at the park, Nina had hung out with Elicia with an increasing frequency, sometimes spending whole days at her house and eating meals with them while Roy worked, only going back to sleep snuggled up in the alchemist’s bed with the lights on. After a little over a week or so of playing, Elicia had asked if Nina wanted a sleepover, and after an explanation of what it was, she had happily agreed, and was a bit puzzled to see Roy and Maes’ faces relax when they asked her.
When night fell at the Hughes home and Elicia’s mother got them ready for bed, Nina had felt her eyes go warm and her lips tremble, lungs tight and painful when she tried to take deep breaths to stop her tears. She had wanted to hide it, but Elicia heard her sniffing, and insisted on crawling into bed with her and telling her funny stories until she cheered up and laughed, pushing stuffies into her hands and telling her they’d keep her safe.
Sometimes, Elicia was all Nina needed for sleepovers. Other times, her panic was too great and Elicia would take her to her parents and they’d speak with her gently and let them sleep in their bed between them both, and tell silly stories and sing silly songs until Nina felt her eyelids droop and her heart slowed to a gentle thud in her chest, and she would sleep, feeling safe and protected between Elicia’s mom and dad.
Gradually, she began to see Elicia’s parents more than Roy, and more than Miss Riza, and soon, the only times she’d see either of them was when she was picked up after a long day of fun and headed back to the little apartment with heavy eyes and a full belly.
Nina wasn’t really all that surprised about it.
She had never been explicitly told she would remain with Roy, and the more she played with Elicia, the more she found herself wanting to stay with her. Roy was kind and soft, perhaps a bit gruff and unsure at moments, and she did love him, but he carried an unsettling aura with him that she couldn't quite place. She didn’t find herself afraid of it, she still wanted all the affection she could pull from him, but he was lapsing and lacking in some areas, and a bit too prevalent in some.
Maes was different. Not bad, not good, but different, and different in a way that she felt meshed with herself a little bit more. His home was more open and friendly, with toys instead of textbooks, snacks instead of glass bottles with dark liquid, and Nina had a friend that played with her the way Ed and Al did at her old house.
Nina wasn’t sure when she started referring to the Hughes household as home.
But the word was affirming and warm, and the Hughes family fit in a way her father never had, the way Roy never had, and in a way that was achingly familiar to her mother before she left. There wasn’t much in her memory beyond a ghosting glance of kind hands and a hearty laugh, of warmth and safety and arms that held her close. Nina couldn’t even remember her mothers face, but she thought she might’ve had brown hair like hers.
She did remember kind eyes. That much had stayed.
And it hurt. Nina loved Gracia, though she had been wary that first playdate, watching her out of the corner of her eye and hesitantly asking elicia questions along the lines of Is your daddy nice to your mommy? Do they yell a lot? Do they fight a lot? And even when Elicia said no, Nina didn’t believe it until she first entered their home and there was laughter and quips and sighs instead of the fierce anger she was so used to seeing with her parents when her mother was still around.
“ Miss Hughes? ” Nina had asked once, twisting the hem of her shirt in her hands, looking at the floor while Elicia had rushed to wash her hands before lunch. It was the first time she had directly spoken to her instead of asking Maes or Elicia to do it, and it was frightening.
“Yes dear?” Gracia answered kindly, quiet and soothing, placing a plate of veggies and a ham sandwich in front of her. Nina looked up quickly then, just for a glance, and Gracia’s face was happy and features soft, and Nina swallowed.
“Do you like Mr. Hughes? Do you yell?”
She hadn’t answered immediately, and Nina felt her stomach drop as Gracia set out Elicia’s plate and settled herself in front of Nina, close enough to comfort but far enough for Nina to relax, resting her chin on interlocked fingers. Her eyes crinkled in thought.
“What makes you ask that, Nina?”
Nina was afraid she might have been in trouble, but Gracia’s tone didn’t seem angry like her father’s was when she asked him questions about her mother, and Nina let herself venture, words slowly spilling from her tongue.
“I don’t think my mommy and daddy liked each other. They yelled a lot.” Nina whispered, tightening her grip on her shirt. Was she making Gracia mad? Was this a bad question?
Gracia didn’t seem mad, if anything, she seemed concerned and comforting, but last time she had asked such a question, before her mother had left, there had been yelling and a big fight, and Nina had gone to bed without dinner and snuggled against Alexander’s side, trying to stifle tears she knew would get her in trouble if her father saw them.
Mom had left soon after that.
Father had always told her she had left, called him a good for nothing alchemist and taken off to see her parents. She didn’t love them, he had said, glancing down at Nina with a scowled gaze, and Nina shrinked back into herself and slinked off to her room and hid away from his piercing eyes that seemed to shout blame blame blame.
Was it her fault? She didn’t know. Her mother was so confusing, first having walked out, then disappearing altogether, the story changing all the time from her fathers venomous words to Maes' kindly ones when she asked if her mother was coming back now that her father was gone. Had Nina been a bad daughter? Had Nina been the one to cause strife?
Is that why her mother wouldn’t come back for her?
But no, no, she hadn’t left, she was dead, Maes had said, and instead of feeling sad and broken Nina only felt suffocating guilt . Did her mother leave because Nina asked if her parents loved each other? Was she dead because of Nina?
Now that she had Gracia and Maes, she was afraid she’d ruin this too. Would her questions make Gracia leave? Would her questions make them all leave? She had been fearful her panic and crying would be too much, but they had stayed. Would they stay for this too? Would they instead look at her with scornful eyes and turn away and Nina would be alone again? She didn’t even have Alexander this time to comfort her.
Nina couldn’t even look at Gracia as the silence dragged. She didn’t want to get attached if she would leave. She didn’t want to love if Gracia would leave like her mother did over her stupid questions.
“I love Mr. Hughes very much.” Gracia murmured, cocking her head. “He’s my best friend.”
Nina nodded, tears pricking her eyes, hot and confining and annoying. She didn’t say anything in response to the words, afraid Gracia would see her tears and huff at her and send her away with no food. She was still hungry. She still wanted to eat.
“Nina,” Gracia began softly. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?”
Nina shook her head, tears trailing from the tip of her nose and onto the ground below with a soundless patter. Her throat was hot and tight, chest heavy with held breath in an attempt to stem her tears. If she spoke, Gracia would leave. Maes would leave. They would all leave.
Her thoughts just made the crying worse.
“Nina, look at me.”
She didn’t want to. She wanted to keep looking at the ground with gritted teeth and watch her tears fall without a noise until they dried, and she wanted to eat her sandwich and pretend it never happened and she wanted Elicia to come back and play with her and she wanted Alexander -
A hand touched her shoulder, and Nina looked without thought, vision blurred with saltwater, to Gracia knelt beside her chair, eyes sad and face marred with concern and what Nina thought might be love but wasn’t so sure, love was so weird, and she swallowed roughly, opening her mouth to speak, to reassure she was fine and just wanted to eat, but her mouth flapped with no words like a suffocating fish.
“Nina.” Graica’s voice sounded, swathed in worry but muffled with Nina’s swirling emotions, and Nina shook her head again as Gracia pulled her gently, hand urging. Something in Nina’s chest cracked with a painful snap and she screwed up her face, letting Gracia pull her closer and barreling her face into her collarbone. The older woman’s arms wrapped tight around her shaking body, one hand rubbing circles as she cried, cheek against her head.
“I know it's so hard, Nina. It’s so, so hard.” Gracia breathed against her head, other hand going to stroke her hair. “And I know you hurt. I know you’re confused, and people have let you down.”
A sob tore its way through Nina’s throat at that, and she burrowed her head deeper into Gracia, hands clasping at the back of her shirt like a lifeline, curling herself into the older woman like she would die if she let go. Her body shook with muffled, muted sobs, throat burning and head pounding, exhaustion tugging at her bones.
“We’ve got you, Nina. We’ve got you. And we won’t leave you. No matter what you might be thinking.”
Nina wasn’t sure how long she clung to Gracia, wasn’t sure when Elicia came back and joined the tearful hug, but she did know one thing. Mothers were confusing, and Nina wasn’t quite sure how she felt about them, but if she were to have a mother, she wouldn’t mind it being Gracia.
Maes had been easier to warm up too. Men had always been in Nina’s life, from her father and Alexander, to her Ed and Al, and then Roy, and she found herself feeling more relaxed when around them. Father was a concept she was familiar with, though, like mother, it had been skewed and morphed into something she wasn’t sure was right or proper.
Tucker was her father. Tucker fed her and sent her to bed and tucked her in at night. He bought her clothes and looked at schools and sometimes played with her when he had the time. She called him dad and he called her his daughter and Nina never thought much of it. He did what fathers were supposed to do.
But then he had hurt her, and though she didn’t understand the full depth of what had been planned, Nina knew that fathers were not supposed to hurt. At least, she didn’t think so. People were very upset by it. Did that still make him her father? She thought so. Maes and Roy said he had made a mistake, a bad mistake, but people made mistakes, right? Ed told her that.
Roy had done all that, though. Roy had fed her and dressed her wounds and gave her clothes, and she knew Roy wasn’t her father. Roy was nice and kind and cuddled her when she was sad, but he wasn’t what Nina considered a father. Maybe she would, if she stayed longer, but Roy was more of a lifeboat in a tsunami, and it had been too much to consider then.
And then, there was Maes. Maes did what her father did too. Maes was a father, but not to her. Maes belonged to Elicia. That was her dad, and you didn’t share dads.
Or, so Nina thought.
“Nina, would you like to come on a walk with me?” Maes had asked after play dates had stretched into sleepovers, and Nina found herself at the Hughes household more than Roy’s apartment, a few weeks after the first play date at the park. Ms. Hughes had turned to Gracia, and Mr. Hughes to Maes. It was a Saturday, and Gracia was out with Elicia at the doctor for a sore throat.
Nina had been flipping through an old picture book, boredom pricking at her body at Elicia’s absence, and had eagerly agreed to walk in the chilly air if only to get rid of her boundless energy.
A puffy coat later, a yellow hat, and tied boots, and they were on their way.
Maes had let Nina take the reigns, following her quick footsteps down the cracked sidewalks and holding her hand as they crossed the street, stopping at every flower and plant that was different from the green grass, answering each question that bubbled out of Nina without a second thought, laughing and smiling as she giggled at his silly answers and furrowed her eyebrows at his serious ones.
Walks were normal, but for some reason, this one felt different. Maes called them “family walks” and if he was home early enough, they tried to go for one at dusk, just as the sun was slipping down but there was still enough light to see the ground. It was always chilly, and Nina always arrived home with a pink nose and aching ears, but she loved the walks. She and Elicia could play and run before bed and a warm bath, and sleep soundly cuddled up in her bed.
Walks never had a pressing engagement. They were fun and tiring and memory making, full of mirth and laughter and silly antics. This one, though Maes was happy and kind as he always was, had a looming aura surrounding it. Nina found that she didn’t mind it. Maes seemed like he had a question, and a few days ago, she might have been afraid, but the words of Gracia still rattled about in her head.
They wouldn't leave her.
Maes called for a brief break after a while of walking, sitting on a bench, patting the spot next to him to signal Nina. Nina bounded towards him, breathless and eyes bright from the air, pulling her hat over her ears as she shuffled down next to Maes, tucking into his side for warmth. He chuckled, throwing an arm behind her to rest on the head of the bench.
“I have a question for you, sweetheart.” Maes stated, tone controlled and careful, looking ahead of them at the people walking down the street. Nina looked too. Some of them had scarves, and some had hats, and others didn’t have any coats at all. They must have not had someone to bundle them like she did.
“A question?”
“Mhm,” Maes affirmed, looking down at her. “You’ve been staying with us for a while.”
“With Elicia!” Nina added, wondering where the conversation was going. Maybe she needed to go back to Roy for today? Maybe Elicia didn’t want to share her room anymore? She wasn’t sure.
Maes laughed. “Yes, with Elicia. And she loves you very much. You like being with her?”
Nina nodded vigorously, hat flopping. “Yes! She’s my best friend.”
“Do you like staying with us?”
Nina furrowed her eyebrows. Of course she liked staying with the Hughes. They were so nice! They were happy and didn’t scream and fight, and there was always someone home she could go and hang out with.
A thought suddenly struck her. Did Maes not like having her around? He treated her the same way he did Elicia, which Nina thought was strange because he wasn’t her father, but she welcomed it nonetheless. She never had any thought Maes didn’t like her. And Gracia had said they wouldn’t leave her.
Still, despite herself, a bit of panic sparked in her chest. She looked towards Maes, then backs towards the people walking about, towards her feet, shuffling her hands, waiting for Maes to continue
“Am I leaving?” She blurted out, unable to contain her worry, catching Maes mid sentence. He paused, shock plastered on his face, and he brought his arm down from the bench to wrap around her. His mouth gaped soundlessly for a moment, and if Nina wasn’t worried, she might have laughed.
“What? No.” Maes said quickly, and Nina breathed a sigh of relief. “Unless…you want to?”
Nina gave a heavy shake of her head. No, no, no, leaving was the last thing she wanted to do. If she left, where would she go? Back to Roy? She wouldn’t mind that, but she liked being with Elicia and Maes and Gracia. Could she still have sleepovers? Could they still have dinners?
Maes’ face crinkled up in both amusement and repose, relaxing his shoulders into the bench they still sat at, the hold on her shoulders loosening. “Then, no, Nina. You’re not leaving. I wanted to ask you the opposite.”
Confusion shoved out any anxiety Nina might have been feeling. She looked up towards Maes, tilting her head, feeling her hat flop with the moment. A gust of wind blew by, chilly and noiseless, and she blinked, pressing closer to Maes rib cage to escape the chill. The opposite? What did that mean?
Maes offered no response, instead looking at her expectantly. Ninawanted to smack his head like he so often did with her when she was silly and demand he explain when it clicked in her head.
The opposite.
The opposite of leaving.
“You’re asking me if I want to stay? ” She breathed, crawling up Maes to settle in his lap, hands in little fists against his chest. Maes gave a laugh, patting the top of her head with a nod. “But I’m already staying!”
“Well, that’s true.” Maes rumbled, brushing Nina’s hair back. “I’m asking if you want to become part of the family. I mean, you already are,” he added, poking her nose, and Nina giggled. “But I mean officially. Legally.”
“Legally?”
“We want to know - Gracia and I - if you would be alright with us adopting you.”
Adoption. That was a word she had heard before, tossed about in Roy’s office, over phone calls he made before he went to work, in old storybooks that Ed would read to her when he was done studying. It was a strange word. It meant a lot of different things when Nina asked what it meant. Some said it was for kids who had no one, others said it was for the less fortunate, and some said it was a different way to form a family. At the end of the day, the word seemed to boil down to just that. Family.
And family meant lots of things. It meant parents and friends and siblings and pets. It meant toys and dinners and presents and stories and so many things Nina couldn’t even think of. Maes wanted to adopt her and make her officially family, whatever that meant. Gracia too. Would that make them her parents? Would that make Elicia her sister?
“But I’m not your daughter. Elicia is.” She said, a sudden sadness pricking at her heart. Maes was Elicia’s father, not hers. Her father was gone. Her father was bad.
“Not by blood.” Maes agreed softly, and Nina cast down her eyes sadly. “But, family is much more than blood. Elicia is my daughter, yes. But you can be too. If you want to be.”
Nina sniffled, nose dribbling from the air. She did want to be his daughter.
Maes gaze was gentle, the skin around his eyes crinkled and pondering as Nina looked back up at him. “Would that make you my father?”
There was a glint in Maes' eyes that she couldn’t quite place as she spoke. “In the eyes of the law. But you don’t have to think of me like that unless you want to. I can still be Maes.”
Nina considered that for a moment. The word father was still strange to her. She still didn’t quite know what it meant, or what made a father. She still loved her father, despite what he did. She still missed him, even though she knew he was bad. Tucker was all she had had for so long, and the idea of calling someone else dad was scary.
But Maes was kind. Maes was good.
Without a word, she threw her arms around his neck, hugging tightly. Maes gave a slight oomph as she did so, taking a moment to wrap her arms around her shoulders with a laugh, his beard tickling the top of her head. Nina loved Maes’ hugs. They were always soft and warm.
Fathers were strange. But Maes helped it make a little bit more sense.
And now, many months after it all, after the pain and the fear and the sadness that tugged at her heart, after meetings and doctors with clipboards and suits and ties, Nina had shed the name of Tucker and become Nina Hughes, her middle name that of what her mother’s last name used to be to help remember her, per Gracia’s suggestion, to show that while Nina had been absorbed as a Hughes, her family was not lost.
It was hard. Nina thought it might always be hard. There was a lot she missed, and a lot that still hurt.
But Nina was happy she was there. Nina was happy she was still here.
Elicia laughed from her end of the rug, stuffie in hand, making it speak in a high pitched voice and dance along the edge of the rug. Nina followed suit with her own, a white dog she had named Alexander in remembrance of her best friend. She made new Alexander bark, and Elicia quirked an eyebrow with a grin, an evil chuckle rising up from her throat.
Oh no. Oh no. Nina knew what that meant.
With a jolt, she tried to escape the inevitable, but Elicia was too fast, too quick on her feet, and she slammed into Nina with a crazed force, sending them both sprawling on the hardwood below. Nina screeched at the impact, blocking the blow with Alexander as Elicia crowed with triumph and cackled menacingly, smacking Nina with her stuffie.
”I win!” She squawked, voice high with amusement and laughter. A giggle pulled its way out of Nina’s throat as she rolled over on the ground, trying to shake Elicia off her.
“You did NOT!” She protested, giving her friend a shove. Elicia stuck her tongue out with a smile.
“Did too Nina! Baxter always wins!” She warbled, holding her stuffie high above her head as she shuffled off Nina.
Some might have thought the two were fighting, but this was always how they played. Elicia poked and prodded that hers was the best, and Nina would poke back, and the two would collapse into a pile of giggles and halfhearted shoves, making the stuffies attack each other or sing songs or just laugh until their stomachs hurt.
“Baxter is silly.” Nina quipped, sitting up against the wall. “His fur his funny.”
Elicia gasped dramatically, covering Baxter’s ears. “Don’t listen to Nina, Baxter! She’s evil!”
“You’re evil! You tackled me!”
Elicia shook her head. “That wasn’t me. That was Baxter.”
Nina glared, and the two girls stared at each other for a few seconds before Elicia’s face screwed up in barely contained laughs, doubling over on the hardwood and tucking Baxter to her chest, sniggering. Nina could only hold her ground for so much longer before she fell victim to Elicia’s antics, holding Alexander up in the air.
“I won!” She wheezed out in between giggles. “I laughed last!”
“You won!” Elicia breathed out in agreement, still cackling.
It felt like both a second and an eternity they remained on the floor, laughing about, when Maes entered, giving a brief knock on the door before peeking his head over the door frame, flour on his brow and face pulled up in a grin. Elicia furrowed her eyebrows, pointing at the white streak on his face.
“Daddy, you have flour on your face.”
Maes raised his glasses, amusement washing across his face. “Do I now, Miss Elicia?”
“Yes!”
“I don’t think I believe you. Do I, Miss Nina?” Maes smirked, turning to face Nina, who nodded her head in delight as Elicia crashed back on the floor in needless dramatics.
“You do!”
“I think you’re both liars.” Maes said accusingly, pointing a finger. They both gasped in mock shock as Maes laughed at the reaction he gleamed. “Anyway, the boys are here. Come to dinner.”
Nina clapped in excitement, flour forgotten. Ed and Al were here! She had been waiting excitedly all day when Maes had first told them that the boys and Roy, along with Riza, would be stopping by that day for dinner. Both Elicia and Nina had been impatient for Uncle Roy to arrive, and their little big brother, and their big little brother, and the kindly woman who gave them sweets when she saw them.
Elicia didn’t need to be told twice, rushing out between Maes legs to greet her family, and Nina followed suit, leaving Alexander with Baxter on the floor. Outside their room, the smell of roast and potatoes was rich and flavorful, heavy in the air, voices mingling with the sounds of pots and pans, Al’s tinny voice easily picked from the rest.
And there was Ed, with Roy behind him, hanging up his jacket next to Roy’s long overcoat, sticking his tongue out as Roy messed with his hair, a deep laugh being pulled from his throat as Ed growled and punched him in the arm.
Happiness warmed Nina’s heart as she caught sight of his eyes, and Ed’s expression morphed from annoyance to joy.
“Ed!” She trilled, wrapping her hands around his waist, rubbing her cheeks against the leather flaps of his jacket.
“Nina! How are you?” Ed asked, returning the gesture.
“I’m good! Thanks for coming!”
“Anything for Ms. Hughes cooking.” Ed winked.
Elicia bounded up, asking for a hug, and Nina turned to Roy, who was standing next to Ed, dark eyes filled with poking amusements. Nina waved erratically to him, and he waved back, reaching out to rustle her hair.
“Hello, Nina! Ready for dinner?”
The scent of stewing roast filled her nose once again, and Nina nodded, giving a quick hug to Roy’s leg.
She still saw him plenty since permanently moving over to the Hughes home. Dinners, work, walks, and holidays were all times they saw each other, and she was always happy to see the man that had pulled her from the wreckage and shown her safety. Roy patted her back and gave her a kindly grin as they padded their way into the dining, followed closely by Ed and the rest.
The smell was stronger here, and the room was warm, plates already set and glasses being placed by Maes. Gracia was resting steaming containers in the middle, no doubt holding the lovely roast, and Nina could see mashed potatoes peeking over the top of one of the bowls.
The room was warm as Nina sat, Elicia next to her. It was warm against her skin, and warm in her chest as she watched her family mill about, speaking and filling plates and laughing about nothing. The smell of food was tantalizing and soft, grounding and homely, and Nina let out a breath.
The road so far had been bumpy, scary, and ruthless, full of pain and fear, but in between the cracks that had formed, something beautiful had grown, beautiful and stubborn like the dandelions that persisted in the cracked cement in face of whatever was thrown at them and Nina knew, despite it all, despite what might come, she would persevere.
She was not afraid to look ahead when she had what she loved right under her nose.