Chapter Text
Dazai’s favourite season was spring. When the cherry blossoms were in full bloom, their beauty seemed to bring some sort of light and colour to his dull life. And though their lives were short, he found that it added to their beauty. It was some sort of tragic life, so poetic yet it was so common. It occured so much, the flowers dropping to the grey pavement, their petals tearing and rotting away, that it wasn’t impactful. Dazai never found himself feeling upset when he saw the rain of pink flowers fall to the ground when the wind was a little too strong. If anything, he felt nothing at all. That sort of emptiness he felt when he witnessed something so beautiful just die in front of him, was what made spring his favourite. Because they never failed to blossom and they always made life easier. They were so carefree and when they died, they were satisfied, however short their lives where. See, the good thing about dying young, is that one would never need to experience the true hardships of life. And for Dazai’s case, he had experienced enough already. Dropping dead on the ground wouldn’t be ideal, though his death would certainly be deemed tragic, he wouldn’t necessarily mind if he did. If the wind blew, he wouldn’t hold on, he wouldn’t resist. He would simply, let it take him away. But that was before he met Fyodor.
Before him, he would watch those flowers come and go with no emotion. As they got stepped on, or as their perfect bright petals turn brown and rot away, he never felt anything. Because life always came to an end. But the reason he liked spring so much and the reason he enjoyed watching those flowers fall more than he enjoyed seeing then up in the trees, was because they never had the chance to become anything else. They were just flowers. And the flowers were happy. They never had problems. Dazai wanetd to be a flowers sometimes. Simply out of pure curiosity, he wondered how it felt to die without any regrets. But every time he tried to kill himself, there was always some kind of regret that pushed the knife away from his throat, or made his toes brush against the ground just ever so slightly as he swung from the rope. But it was always enough to make him live.
Eventually, Odasaku made him realise. Made him realise that he would never die without any regrets if he didn’t do things to make up for it. And with each passing day he was with Fyodor, he felt as though that weight of guilt was slowly getting lighter. And with every moment he spent with him, it felt as though that guilt was completely gone. Even if it was only for awhile. In addition, Fyodor gave him a purpose to his life. To get rid of the guilt. And maybe along the way he would find a meaning to life too.
“Here you go.” Fyodor handed him a teacup, filled with hot chocolate. Dazai accepted it, muttering a small “Thanks.” Before taking a sip. Fyodor sat down next to him on the bed.
“Don’t spill it or you’re never sleeping on this bed again.”
His threats were always a perfect combination of seriousness and sarcasm that it made Dazai laugh. Without fail, every time. His body shooks as he giggled and it moves his teacup around, contents threatening to spill out. Fyodor glared at him, something he was sure would scare a lot of people. But not Dazai. Still, he took the hint and stoped laughing, though his smile did not fade.
Fyodor rolled his eyes. Dazai found that he did it sometimes as an alternative to smiling. His smile grew even wider at the thought. The Russian took a seat next to him, swinging his legs up and crossing them. A habit he recently picked up from Dazai.
It had been a week since that night and everything seemed to be back to normal. Which Fyodor was very relieved about because Dazai’s was leaving Russia in a month. If he were to leave without them at least being on good terms, Fyodor might just…
He didn’t know what exactly he would do but he knew he didn’t want it to happen.
“Why did you say you wanted to talk?”
Dazai took deep breath. “Right.” He adjusted his grip on the teacup.
“I’m going back to Japan soon.”
“I know.”
It felt as though there was a hammer continuously banging at his chest.
Then, Dazai visibly deflated, all the teansion leaving his body at once. He looked as though he was a puppet whose strings just got cut loose.
“I don’t think I want to go back.”
Fyodor thought for a moment. He knew Dazai couldn’t stay in Russia forever, but he also didn’t want Dazai to leave.
“You have to visit Sakunosuke.”
“I do.”
“You have to go back.”
He wanted Dazai to stay, as much he Dazai wanted to. But they both know he couldn’t .
“What should I do when I get there?” Dazai took another sip of his drink.
“You’re supposed to have a plan by now.” Fyodor got ready to give Dazai a mini lecture on responsibility before Dazai spoke up again.
“Of course I have a plan. I’m going to get a job where my ability can help people. Then I’ll help as many people as possible.”
“Sounds like a good plan. But what about your finances in the first few months?”
“I’ve got it settled.” Dazai lied and Fyodor knew that it wasn’t true, but he didn’t push it.
“But what I meant was, should I visit Odasaku first? Or maybe I could eat some canned crab.”
“Go sightseeing?” Fyodor suggested.
Dazai had been in Yokohama for almost all of his life. He’d been to all of it, but he’d never seen all of it before. He nodded, considering the idea. “Sounds good.”
“Don’t forget to take pictures.”
“Why?”
“I need you to show it to me.”
Dazai laughs. “Do I mail them to you?”
“No.” Fyodor deadpans. “Use a phone. What are you? Some kind of caveman?”
Dazai was slightly taken aback by the joke, but laughed nonetheless.
“Where did that sass come from?”
“I guess I always had it in me.” Fyodor mused, taking another sip form his teacup.
Dazai laughed even harder. “I’ll add buying a phone to the list then.”
“I’ll get you one.” Fyodor offered.
“How much money do you even have?”
Fyodor shrugged. “More than I need.”
Dazai sighed, a smile making its way it his lips once more.
“I want a funny ring tone.”
“Of course you do.”
————-
Fyodor hated the feeling he got when he thought about Dazai leaving. But he tried to get used to it. The snow blew into his face, bitting at his skin and sending a numbing sensation all over. He’s used to this feeling at least. Dazai on the other hand, seemingly hated the cold more than anything. It maked Fyodor wonder sometimes why he came all the way to Russia, and how he made it through all those winters back in Japan without anyone to listen to his complains and help him turn on the heater. Or maybe there was someone to do that. He wouldn’t know and it didn’t matter to him.
“Let’s get a phone some better clothes and a suitcase.”
They enter the shopping mall and Dazai immediately sighed as the warmth enveloped him.
“One more thing.” He said.
“Yes?”
“Let’s get some bandages.”
Fyodor didn’t question it. “Alright.”
————
Dazai picked up a flip phone from off the display shelf. “This looks cool.” He commented and showed it to Fyodor. The Russian however, seemed unimpressed. “This looks old.”
Dazai frowned. “It looks like my old phone. I liked that phone.”
“Your old phone was old then.” Fyodor picked up another phone from off the shelf. A newer model with a touch screen. “How about this one?” He shows it to Dazai, but the brunette shakes his head. “Its nice, but I want this.”
“Why?”
“Its the same model as my old phone.”
Fyodor sets down the phone he was holding.
“What’s so important about the old phone?”
But right as Dazai opens his mouth to explain, he caught sight of someone from the corner of his eyes.
Immediately, he pulled Dazai by the wrist and rushed to hide behind one of the display cases.
“What’s wrong?” Dazai whispered into his ear.
“There’s some guys that work for Victor here.” Fyodor explained.
“The thumb drive guy?”
Fyodor nodded.
Some part of Dazai wanted to run out of the mall with Fyodor, making sure he wouldn’t get hurt. But he also knew that Fyodor was capable of that without his help.
“Are they dangerous?” He asked, to get a better sense of the situation before he started making a big deal out of nothing.
“Not necessarily…” Then, after a pause, he said. “Okay. Maybe they are, just a little.”
Dazai didn’t want to take any risks. “Let’s leave.” He decided before peeking out from behind the display case. He spotted two men, clearly armed with knives and guns under their coat. They both wore a pair of sunglasses. The younger one looked like a newbie while the older one, (early fifties maybe) was surveying the area as they spoke.
“Is it the two with sunglasses?”
Fyodor noded his head once more. “Let’s pay for the phone first. They haven’t recognised me yet.”
Dazai bit his lip. He didn’t want to take the risk, though it seemed harmless. Fyodor squeezed his hand, as if trying to silently get him to agree. “Fine.”
They rush over to the counter without getting spotted and Fyodor quickly took out some cash from his pocket. Dazai kept an eye out on the two men as they slowly advance towards the store, unaware that their enemy was inside. Fyodor exchanged a few formalities with the cashier and Dazai didn’t bother to figure out what he said. It didn’t matter anyways. His eyes remain glued to the two men, who were now in the store and Dazai was sure they would recognise Fyodor soon. At least the older one would.
Fyodor reached for the phone right as Dazai yanked on his shoulder. He grabbed the phone and managed to say a quick. “Keep the change!” Before he turning his body to start running beside Dazai.
They dash out of the store and he followed Dazai to the escalators.
“They saw you.” Dazai hissed, grabbing the railings in order to make a sharp turn without slowing down.
Fyodor can already feel his heart start to burn. He took a risk, turning his head to look behind before realising that they had a huge distance between them.
He took the sharp turn, almost sliding and falling before Dazai’s hand caught him.
“You good?” Worry lined his face but his eyes were serious. Unable to find the right words, Fyodor simply noded. Dazai’s hands slipped into his and they dash down the escalator.
By the time they reach the bottom, Fyodor was panting and out of breath. He placed his hand on his chest and tried to catch his breath. Sweat gathered on his forehead and he wanted to take his coat of now more than ever. He felt overheated yet cold as he felt the sweat drip down his neck. Dazai’s hand slipped out of his and he heard the chatter of the crowd become louder and louder until they were blasting in his ears.
Dazai seemed more worked up than ever when he asked. “Are you okay?” He couldn’t see, but he could hear the panic in his voice.
Then without letting Fyodor answer, as added. “You look like you’re about to pass out.”
“Yeah,” he huffed. “You might want to catch me.”
He felt two hands on his shoulders, anchoring him to the world and suddenly, everything stoped spinning and the noise died down. He opened his eyes to see Dazai more concerned than he had ever seen him.
“I’m alright.” He says to get rid of some of that worry. He liked that Dazai was concerned for him, but at the same time he hated how Dazai looked when he’s worried. He didn’t want to make Dazai worried.
Thankfully, some of that concern faded away. “Good.” He sounded relieved and Fyodor was just as relieved to hear it.
He scanned their surroundings, because he knew that they weren’t out of danger yet. He spots them on the escalator going down. “Behind you.” Fyodor warns. They hadn’t spotted them yet, but they were looking around searching for them.
“Let’s go back up.” Dazai suggested and Fyodor doesn’t waste time voicing his agreement. Instead, he just grabbed Dazai’s wrist and they speedwalk to the escalator leading back up. Dazai turned around to face Fyodor and to face his back towards the approaching men. They were on the escalator going down,still scanning the floor below, bending over and leaning to try and find them.
“They’re coming.” Fyodor warned and Dazai leaned down, their faces inches apart.
“Kiss me.” Its a command, a request and a question.
Fyodor hesitated for a second, gripping the phone in his hand tighter. Then, with his free hand he grabbed Dazai’s collar and pulls him down, closing the gap between them. He pressed their lips together and Dazai’s hands find their way to his waist. They stay like that until the two men pass them,seemingly too focused on the floor below that they don’t notice the two of them going up on the escalator next to them.
When they finally pass, Fyodor finally parted again. He’s lightheaded and giddy, though he knew its due to a good reason this time.
Dazai, stared at him for a moment, not even bothering to adjust his collar before his feet hit something and he fell backwards. In a desperate attempt to regain balance, he grabbed onto the only thing in front of him.
Fyodor.
The pair fall onto the ground in front of the escalator, clothes dangerously close to getting stuck in between the steps and the floor.
He scrambled up and helped Fyodor dust off his coat.
Then, Dazai glanced back to the two men. They had started walking in the opposite direction and into a clothing store. Good.
Fyodor’s hand pulled him away from the escalator right before a woman walks off from the steps and onto the tiled floor. “You’re going to block people.” Fyodor scolded, with a hint of humour in his voice.
The woman stared at them, silently judging them with her gaze lingering on Fyodor for a second longer before turning away. Dazai’s blood boil started to boil at the sight of her but Fyodor’s hand effortlessly sliding into his snapped him out of his rage. He guided them another store, not saying another word.
Dazai wonders if he noticed the woman, because if he did he didn’t say anything.
———
Spring. It would be spring when he gets back to Japan. He’s more excited than every because its his first spring after leaving the Mafia. A new life.
How strange. Spring always seemed to represent a new beginning. But so many beautiful flowers die in spring. Dazai wants to go sightseeing and he wants to send Fyodor pictures of the falling flowers. He wants to show Fyodor the place he was born in. He wants to show Fyodor the cherry blossoms because they were life. And Fyodor showed him the purpose of it. To be able to fall so beautifully and elegantly like those flowers. That’s was Dazai’s purpose. And maybe he also can find a meaning.
But he found that meaning.
It was the man who had pulled him away from death multiple times. Kept him company on scary nights and held him close when he was cold. Fyodor was meaning. And death was his purpose.
His life has a purpose and that was a happy death with no regrets.
And now his life has a meaning. And that was the man he loves, Fyodor Dostoyevsky.