Chapter Text
A train station, it turned out, was a great place to go when you wanted to be left alone. At this early hour, there were a handful of railway employees and early commuters present, but none of them paid any attention to Jungkook as he bought his ticket from one of the machines. That done, he trudged to the far end of his platform and sat down directly on the ground, using his bag as a backrest. His mind was still blessedly free of thoughts; all that was in there was a faint, high-pitched buzzing, like a malfunctioning electronic. Perhaps his brain was broken; Jungkook couldn’t seem to care.
At one point, his phone pinged in his hoodie pocket. He withdrew it and, without even glancing at the screen, turned the phone off and shoved it to the very bottom of his bag. He’d deal with that later; he’d deal with everything later. Closing his eyes, Jungkook returned to thinking about nothing, remaining motionless as the pale dawn turned to a bright spring morning.
Some time later, his train arrived. Jungkook boarded, stowed his bag, and found a seat, moving entirely on autopilot. He didn’t even notice he’d chosen a window seat until a stray beam of sunlight caught him right in the eyes. Squinting, he pulled his hood over his face and turned to face the nearly empty carriage instead.
It was strange to think about the last time he’d made this journey. His head had been so full, with hopes and dreams and nonsense. Had that been his first mistake, before he ever reached the house? To expect an adventure story, of which he’d be the hero? If he’d been less starry-eyed, maybe he’d have seen what was right in front of him. At least he’d learned his lesson - from now on, there’d be no more daydreams.
The train grew steadily fuller as it went on, reaching Seoul just at the tail end of morning peak hour. At this point, Jungkook was only one bus ride away from home, but although he’d made that part of the journey many times before, this morning it overwhelmed him. It was months since he’d been in a crowd this large, and the press of people made him tense. It took all his focus just to drag himself and his luggage home; he didn’t think of who was waiting in the apartment until he was on the landing directly outside.
Staring blankly at the keypad, he pictured Namjoon and Hoseok inside, happily eating breakfast, followed by their shocked, stressed faces as they realised Jungkook had showed up and ruined their entire day. He should have prepared for this on the train - but it was too late for regrets now. He brainstormed his current options, coming up with a) burst in and disrupt their morning routine, b) lie in wait and sneak in when the apartment was empty, or c) just stay out here forever. Of all these, he favoured option three - he’d already picked a dark crevice in the stairwell that would hide one determined boy. This potential new home was already occupied by a few house spiders, but that was no problem. Jungkook approved of spiders - they were industrious and almost never asked difficult questions.
This was a waste of time – Jungkook was avoiding the issue. Worse, he was daydreaming again, after he’d sworn to give it up. Sighing, he banged his head gently against the doorframe. The only real option was to stop stalling, go inside, and face the consequences. After one final thump of his forehead, he keyed in the door code and walked inside.
As he crossed the threshold, he called out, “Hello, hyungs? Don’t worry, it’s just me.” There was no response - in fact, there were no voices, no plates clinking, no sounds at all. Quietly, Jungkook shuffled out of his boots and went to check the living room - sometimes, Namjoon didn’t hear the door when he was wearing headphones. But there was no one there, and it took only a brief circuit to confirm that the apartment was entirely empty. When he passed through the kitchen, he spotted the time on the microwave - later than he’d thought, after eleven. That would explain it - they’d already gone out. Jungkook had the place to himself, for now at least.
The first feeling was relief. No scolding, no explanations - he could put all that off for a little while longer. In fact, absolutely no one knew where he was or what he was doing - when was the last time he’d been this free? For once, there were absolutely no expectations, so he could do whatever he felt like, which was… At this point, his train of thought came to a crashing halt, and he realised that being alone was not a good thing at all. If no one was paying attention, not even anonymous commuter eyes, then there was nothing to stop him collapsing on the floor and sobbing until he was hoarse. Already, his breath was growing shaky and his eyes hot. If he lost his self-control now, he doubted he could get it back, not before the hyungs returned, and that would be unforgivable. Bad enough that he’d showed up unannounced - he wouldn’t make them deal with hysterics on top of that.
The first thing to do was tell people where he was - which meant dealing with his phone. As Jungkook dug through his bag, he braced himself for a surge of notifications. There might be a lot of angry texts, or even voicemails. But when he found the phone and switched it on, there was only that single notification from hours ago. It was his weather app, telling him that conditions today were perfect for spending a relaxing day outdoors.
Frowning, Jungkook cleared the notification, then muted the entire weather app for good measure. This was great, actually - obviously he didn’t want angry messages. It was better that his phone was completely silent. He’d let Namjoon and Hoseok know what was happening, and also send Yoongi a brief message to say he’d arrived safely. Only Yoongi, though - anyone else who was worried about him would have been in contact by now, but no one had been in contact, which meant no one else was worried, which meant Jungkook should stop thinking about people who obviously weren’t thinking about him and move on the next task! Jungkook rushed through sending his messages, not stopping to fix typos, then pushed the phone and all the thoughts that went with it aside.
Over the next few hours, Jungkook mentally wrote himself a long list of tasks, then worked through them methodically. First off, showering away the travel grime; next, unpacking and starting a load of laundry. After that, he moved on to tidying his room - he’d left it fairly neat, but it could be neater. The longer he tidied, the more tasks he added to his list, such as arranging his shirts by colour - a very important job, and distracting enough to stop him focusing on anything else. Once his bedroom was perfect, it was time to hang the laundry on an airer, before starting on the bathroom. Again, everything in there was pretty clean, but Jungkook spotted some grouting in the shower that needed scrubbing. It probably hadn’t been done for months - lucky he was back to take care of it! He collected every cleaning chemical he could find, shut himself in the shower cubicle, and scrubbed until his fingers ached.
Quite some time later, Jungkook emerged from the bathroom, lightheaded and smelling of bleach. His phone, abandoned on the floor, was blinking frantically; the sight made Jungkook's heart flop uncomfortably in his chest. But it was just a reply from Hoseok - several replies, in fact. There were long strings of excited emojis, interspersed with questions such as: when had Jungkook decided to come back? Had he managed the trip alright? What should they do about dinner? This last question made a good point - there probably wasn’t enough food in the house for three people. Jungkook should do a big shopping trip and then cook something nice. He tabbed away to start hunting for recipes, but the time caught his eye - it was much later than he’d thought. Somehow, the afternoon had slipped away from him, and now Namjoon and Hoseok would be home in less than an hour. This meant no time for cooking - but just enough time to run out and buy something tasty.
Gathering phone, money and keys, he rushed out the front door; half an hour later, he rushed back in again, carrying containers of tteokbokki and a small bunch of daisies. He’d managed to beat the hyungs home, but they could arrive at any moment. Leaving the bag of food on the kitchen bench, he pulled out plates, cutlery and condiments and dumped them on the table, then began to lay everything out. Just as he was setting the daisies in a mug at the centre (no time to find a vase), he heard the beeping of the front door keypad. Namjoon and Hoseok were home.
At first, he couldn’t distinguish any words, just a general murmur of voices. Then Hoseok called out, “Jungkook? Are you here?”
Jungkook steadied himself on a kitchen chair. I’m fine, he told himself. I’m in control. I won’t cause any more trouble. Clearing his throat, he called back, “I’m in the kitchen!”
Hoseok came bursting into the kitchen, his face covered in smiles. “Our little Jungkookie! He’s back!” Rushing across the room, he pulled Jungkook into a tight hug. At the feel of those slim arms rocking him back and forth, Jungkook felt tears threaten, but he blinked them away. “Hoseok-hyung,” he said, and was pleased that his voice stayed steady. “It’s so good to see you!”
Hoseok pulled back and gripped Jungkook’s upper arms, looking him over. “Well, you look very healthy! And did you get taller? There’s definitely something different.” He scanned over Jungkook’s face, his eyes too keen - Jungkook tried to hold eye contact but had to drop it after a few seconds. Looking away, Jungkook saw Namjoon standing in the doorway, also watching him.
“He does look more grown up,” Namjoon agreed with a smile. “Your trip was alright? Any dramas getting back?”
Jungkook blinked a few times – that was a complex question. “The train trip was fine,” he said eventually, forcing a smile. “I’m sorry about the late notice, though - I messed up all your evening plans.”
“It’s fine - we made some new plans!” said Hoseok. “In fact, we brought home a delicious surprise for you! Show him, Namjoon!”
Namjoon held up a plastic bag containing several containers - a bag that looked horribly similar to the one already sitting on the bench. “Tteokbokki!” he announced, grinning. “You still like that, right? We couldn’t remember your favourite type, so we got a bunch of different… Jungkook? Are you alright?”
Jungkook barely heard him - his mind was filling with horror. Why hadn’t he checked, before he rushed ahead with his dinner plans? Why didn’t he ever think first?
Hoseok’s smile had faded; he patted at Jungkook’s forehead with his fingertips. “What's wrong - are you sick? You don’t feel hot. Maybe you’re just tired - sit down and I’ll get you some water.”
“No, it’s not that,” said Jungkook, shaking his head violently. “I didn’t realise… I also…” Unable to finish his explanation, he pointed at his own food, lurking on the counter.
Confused, Hoseok walked over to investigate. A moment later, he snorted. “Ha! Looks like we all had the same idea!” He opened the bag to show Namjoon, who laughed and shook his head.
“I’m really sorry,” Jungkook said in a small voice. He wrapped his arms tightly round his middle and stared at the floor.
“I’m sure we’ll cope somehow,” said Namjoon. “Mandatory second helpings, maybe?”
“I didn’t think,” Jungkook continued, hearing the wobble in his voice and hating himself for it. “I should have checked with you two first - now I’ve spoiled all your plans.”
“Jungkook,” Hoseok said carefully, “there’s no need to be upset. It’s really not a big deal.”
Jungkook sucked in a huge gulp of air and made one last attempt at self-control. But it was no good - one look at Hoseok’s gentle, worried eyes and he cracked. “It is a big deal! You were doing something nice for me, and I ruined it, just like always, because I’m thoughtless, I never pay attention, I just—”
“Hey, hey, slow down,” Namjoon said. He took a step forward, hands hovering awkwardly in front of him. “Just breathe - can we get you something?”
“You shouldn’t have to get me anything!” Jungkook was practically wailing now, like the child he was. “I should be able to handle things on my own - I shouldn’t make mistakes like this anymore. I’m sorry - I’m really, really sorry.” He took a couple of ragged breaths, forcing down the sobs that were choking his throat. “But I’m going to try harder, I promise. From now on, I’m going to be better.”
For a few moments, no one spoke; Jungkook gradually brought his breathing under control. Hoseok studied him, lips pursed - then he said, “Alright then. We accept your apology - right, Namjoon?”
“But why does he need to—”
Hoseok turned his head and glared. “We accept it, don’t we? Everything’s forgiven?”
Namjoon nodded slowly. “Right… yeah. All in the past now.”
Hoseok gave him a brief smile before turning back to Jungkook. “Good. And what would make us extra happy right now is sitting down to a nice family dinner.”
“Yeah. I’m, uh, really hungry,” Namjoon added.
Jungkook shrugged, defeated. They were humouring him, but they obviously wanted to brush past Jungkook’s blunder, and he wouldn’t stop them. “Yeah, let’s eat. The table’s mostly set - I’ll just get some serving spoons—”
“No need!” Hoseok chirped, already rummaging in a drawer. “You just sit down, and we’ll enjoy a nice meal!”
It was one of the most excruciating meals Jungkook had ever experienced. The table was so crowded with takeaway containers that there was barely room to eat. Jungkook stubbornly only ate the food his hyungs had bought; seeing this, Hoseok insisted on taking food from Jungkook’s containers, humming in appreciation after every single bite. Namjoon, busy watching them both, forgot to pay attention to his hands; he knocked a bottle of sesame oil to the floor, where it leaked a fragrant brown puddle. The conversation was just as uncomfortable. Hoseok kept making awkward little jokes, laughing at them, then stopping when nobody joined in; Namjoon asked Jungkook about his train trip five times.
Jungkook, meanwhile, slowly came down from his heights of emotion into a haze of exhaustion. Not wanting to be surly, he tried to respond to his hyung’s remarks, but he could barely form words. His thoughts had turned slippery - they kept gliding past one another without connecting the way they should. Closing his eyes, he watched the thoughts circle and eddy past each other for a while, until he realised he was falling asleep at the table. Perhaps he’d been awake for too long - when was the last time he’d slept? Numbers were a difficult concept right now, but it was certainly many hours ago.
A scrape of wood on linoleum made him open his eyes; looking around, he found himself alone at the table. The meal was apparently over, since Namjoon was collecting plates and Hoseok was arranging leftovers in the fridge. Jungkook heaved himself out of his seat and glanced towards the sink - he should start cleaning up. But he’d moved only a step in that direction when Hoseok smoothly intercepted him and steered him out into the hallway instead.
“I was gunna do the cleaning thing,” Jungkook grumbled. “You know - with the plates and the water.”
“Washing up?” said Hoseok. “That can wait.” When Jungkook frowned, Hoseok added, “You can do it tomorrow - you can wash up every plate in the kitchen, if you want! Does that sound fun?”
“Yeah - lots of fun,” agreed Jungkook, already forgetting what they were talking about.
Once in Jungkook’s room, Hoseok began tugging at Jungkook’s clothes, apparently about to undress him, but Jungkook had just enough energy to shoo him away. He might have failed at a lot recently, but surely he could succeed at removing his own clothes. Hoseok seemed dubious, but he turned and walked slowly out of the room, glancing back at Jungkook every couple of steps.
Just before the door closed, Jungkook called out, “Hyung, wait. There’s something I needed to tell you - something important.”
Hoseok poked his head back in, frowning. “Yes?”
It took Jungkook a few seconds to remember, but then it came to him. “I missed you.”
Hoseok laughed softly. “I missed you too. Sleep well.” He withdrew his head and shut the door, leaving Jungkook to collapse into bed.
When Jungkook woke late the next morning from a deep and thankfully dreamless sleep, he had one moment of lazy contentment before the memories of the previous evening came crashing in. The embarrassment hit him like a physical force, making him squirm in his bed. He could never look at tteokbokki again! Although it wasn’t tteokbokki’s fault, of course - that wasn’t the real reason Jungkook had overreacted and made everyone uncomfortable. It was about the old house, and the arguments, and Jungkook's mistakes - all the things he'd been trying so hard to block from his brain. That was clearly a bad tactic, since it caused emotional breakdowns and scared the hyungs. Poor Namjoon and Hoseok must be so confused - he should go and explain. And maybe ask for help, since he’d completely failed to handle things on his own. After one last vigorous wiggle, to shake off the lingering embarrassment, Jungkook dragged himself out of bed.
He found no sign of Hoseok - probably at work - but Namjoon was on the living room couch, flicking through a book. Jungkook hesitated in the doorway, unsure whether to disturb him. On the one hand, Namjoon was very smart and Jungkook could really use some wise advice; on the other hand, running away and never speaking of feelings again was tempting too. In the end, the urge to speak won out. Tentatively, Jungkook cleared his throat. “Morning.”
Namjoon startled and looked up. “Oh, Jungkook! Feeling better today?”
Jungkook nodded sheepishly. “Yeah. Um… sorry about everything last night.”
A look of panic flitted over Namjoon’s face. “You really don’t need to apologise any more - I think we covered that already.”
Jungkook nodded. “Yeah, I definitely overreacted - sor—” Just in time, he swallowed another apology. “So, I was wondering if I could talk to you - not about dinner, about something else.”
“Sure.” Namjoon closed his book and shifted sideways on the couch, patting the space next to him.
As Jungkook sat down, he began framing his question. He couldn’t reveal all the details of what happened at the house - that was too shameful - but Namjoon needed the basic outline. “Namjoon-hyung,” he began, “imagine a hypothetical situation…”
Namjoon nodded. “Okay.” He waited several seconds, but when Jungkook stayed silent, Namjoon added, “I might need a bit more to go on.”
“Right, sure. So, hypothetically, let’s say that you planned something really big for me, like a favour or gift. You thought about it for ages, you were willing to spend lots of time and money, and it meant a lot to you. But when you told me about it, I turned you down. Worse than that, I was really thoughtless about it. I didn’t understand how much it meant to you.” Jungkook glanced over at Namjoon, biting hard at his bottom lip. “You’d be really hurt, wouldn’t you? You’d think I was rude and ungrateful.”
“Well, I’m not sure,” Namjoon said. “Let me think about it.” He did just this for several seconds, frowning thoughtfully, while Jungkook tried not to fidget, then said “I suppose I would be disappointed - being turned down is never fun.”
It was what Jungkook had expected to hear, but it still didn’t feel good. Suppressing a wince, he said, “Of course. And you’d feel upset at me, right? Even angry, because it’s my fault.”
“That part, I don’t agree with at all,” Namjoon said. “If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s probably mine, because if I’m offering you something you truly don’t want, it’s not actually a good gift. Maybe it’s more something that I want. I think I’d be most upset at myself, for misunderstanding things so badly.”
Jungkook wasn’t explaining this well enough. “It’s not just a misunderstanding, though. Imagine that this isn’t the first time - that you’ve been generous to me before, and I’ve always been happy about it. Of course you’d expect me to pleased this time as well. And don’t I owe you? After you’ve been so kind?”
Namjoon frowned. “Jungkook, I’m a bit confused - what are you asking, exactly? Do you think you made the wrong decision? Because from what you’ve said, I disagree. You shouldn’t accept something you don’t want out of gratitude, or because you think you owe me. And if I expect that from you, if I only do nice things for you so that you’ll agree with me - well, that’s not kindness. That’s being controlling.”
Jungkook found, to his surprise, that he agreed with Namjoon. Not about being controlling - that could never be true, of Namjoon or anyone else. But he didn’t regret saying no, even with all the arguments and tears that had followed. He loved that old house more than anywhere before, but he couldn’t live there permanently, not if nothing changed. “That’s not what I’m asking, really,” he said, “because you’re right, I think, about my decision.” He stared down at his hands, pinching and tugging at one knuckle as he pondered. “I’m just… confused. Because how could that be the right decision, if it makes everyone so unhappy? That doesn’t make sense. What sort of person hurts a lot of feelings and doesn’t even care?” His voice wobbled - he swallowed and continued, “I think that must be a bad person; a cruel, selfish person.”
“Oh, Jungkook.” Namjoon lifted an arm, and Jungkook eagerly shuffled closer to snuggle into Namjoon’s side. Namjoon pulled him in tight and squeezed hard; Jungkook buried his face in Namjoon's neck and squeezed back even harder.
It was some time before Namjoon continued, “First off, what you said about bad, selfish people - that can't apply to you, because you clearly care so much. And secondly, I don’t think it has anything to do with ‘good’ or ‘bad’ people. Every single person on this planet has hurt somebody at some point, even if they've tried not to. Maybe because they made a mistake, or maybe because people just disagree sometimes. It’s not selfish to want something different from other people - it’s just part of being human.”
“Hmmm,” Jungkook said. “That sounds good in theory, but… I dunno.
“You really want everything to be your fault, don’t you?” Namjoon asked, ruffling Jungkook’s hair. “I can understand - you know, after my breakup, I wanted to blame myself for everything as well. The thing is, if we cause every bad thing that happens, that would mean we’re in control the whole time. Whereas the alternative is sometimes things go wrong and there’s no way to change them. That feels scarier, somehow.” Namjoon was quiet for a moment, staring at nothing - then he sighed and said, “Sorry, that got a bit navel-gazey. Back to your situation: I might be disappointed and hurt for a while, but in the end, I’d be glad that you trusted me with an honest answer. And I’d hope any other hypothetical people, whose names we won’t mention, would react in a similar way.”
Jungkook sniffed, rubbing his nose against the collar of Namjoon’s t-shirt. “You’re sure? You wouldn’t hate me forever?”
“No,” Namjoon said instantly. “I’m one hundred percent certain that would never happen.”
“Hyung, you can’t say never,” protested Jungkook, although a smile was tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Weren’t you just explaining that there’s some things we can’t control?”
“I’ve changed my mind. I’ve suddenly developed magic future-predicting powers, and I promise that you, Jungkook, will always be loved.”