Chapter Text
Yuzuru heard a noise at the window, so he put on his shoes and went out to investigate, but found no one there. Underneath his window there’s a gun. Yuzuru wasn’t very familiar with guns, but it felt heavy in his hand, so it must be real.
Realizing this, he felt a tinge of inexplicable excitement. Making sure that no one had spotted him, he carefully pocketed the gun in pyjama, and snuck back to his room.
He placed the gun underneath his pillow. Through the fluff of the feathers, he felt the hard edge of metal beneath his head. He took a deep breath. He could almost smell a faint metallic scent.
He found a gun. God! He found a gun! It would be more effective than any knife he could get his hands on. Yuzuru’s teeth clattered with excitement. He needed to tell Ibara. Ibara would be so impressed! Ibara would worship him for this. He could finally tell Ibara the other half of the bet. It would be easier to accomplish with a gun. He’d promise to leave the gun to Ibara, that way Ibara had to agree…
Yuzuru drifted in and out of sleep in his excitement. This excited state lasted several days, but the one he’d been waiting for never appeared. He thought Ibara had intended to make up after seeing him in the living room the other day. Did he really only came to finish the TV program? Yuzuru didn’t want to believe it.
As they got closer and closer to the day to leave, Yuzuru got increasingly restless. On the final night, the story had to end. If Ibara wouldn’t come, Yuzuru would have to do it himself.
Every light was shut in his room. Yuzuru sat cross-legged on the bed, gun in hand, muzzle lined up to the middle of his brows. He stared into the dark muzzle, as if he could discern an answer from within, but there was nothing there, it was just wishful thinking.
“You think too much,” his father had always told him, “we’re born to do one thing, and that is to serve. The only thought on our mind should be the needs of our master. You need to become an extension of the master’s body, of his mind, to think on his behalf.”
His father was always correct. His father was a good butler, a good servant. Yuzuru should follow his example. But he often experienced a sense of helplessness living this life. Yuzuru was very busy, and his day was filled with things to do, yet he rarely felt fulfilled. When he went back to his room at the end of the day, his reflection was whole and undivided.
When he touch his reflection in the mirror, he’d feel a profound sense of confusion over his way of life. “Where should I place you?” He asked the boy in the mirror, “All the spaces has been filled.”
If the self isn’t needed for this life, wouldn’t it be better without it? He could keep the other parts to fulfill the necessary duties. The wondering, useless part of his soul should be cut out, amputated, exorcised. Life would be easier then. The thoughts that plagued him endlessly would disappear.
Then he’d finally be happy, truly happy. After the firing of this gun.
The loud screaming of a cat rang out from the outside the moment before he pulled the trigger. Yuzuru ran out, gun in hand. His friend was here.
A black cat sat at on the roof, blue eyes and emancipated body, screaming at the moon. Even tho Yuzuru stood three floors below, it noticed him right away, raising its tail and baring its teeth.
Yuzuru raised the gun and shouted, “A gun! Look! It’s a gun!” He took a quick glance around, making sure they were alone, before shouting, “Don’t leave, I’m coming up!”
He made his way up the stairs as fast as he could, all the way to the top, then climbed the latter to the rooftop. His breath was ragged, but his face was smiling.
The new moon was but a thin cold sliver, sharp as a knife. It was a good moon, shining above with mercy. Yuzuru and the cat stood on the opposite sides of the rooftop, neither approaching the other.
His heart raced. The handle of the gun was already warm from his sweating hand. Yuzuru extended his arm to pass it over.
“I thought you weren’t coming.” He slowly approached the cat. “Let’s have our match. The condition for your win, I’ve never told you… No. That’s not important anymore.”
He breathed. Under the moonlight, his expression was simple and sincere, like a child his age, wanting, pleading. Like a child yearned for his mother, Yuzuru yearned for his death.
“Please…”
The cat didn’t give him a chance to finish his plea. It lunged at him, claws aiming straight at his eyes. Yuzuru backed away without thinking, closing his eyes, and fell straight from the roof.
His leg must have broken, because it burnt like it was on fire. Someone was rushing towards him, carrying him back to the house. Yuzuru could hear sobs from his mother and angry beratement from his father.
“This again!” He shouted at Yuzuru, heedless of the fact that his son might not have been conscious enough to hear him. “Making an issue out of nothing! What do you know about life and death? You immature, insolent brat!”
Yuzuru was carried back to his room. A doctor came to check on him. He broke an arm and an leg, and had a mild concussion which rendered him temporarily unconscious, but his life was not in danger.
And just like that, the commotion was over. Soon only his parents were left in the room. Faintly, Yuzuru could make out their quiet conversation.
“He can’t continue like this,” his father said, “even tho he doesn’t ever complain, I know he’s stubborn at heart, like some wild brats on the street. He’s got potential, but we can’t mold him like this. I’ve brought up sending him to the facility to train long ago, like every generation of Fushimis in the past, but you kept putting it off.”
His mother was silent.
His father continued, “He’ll calm down after enough struggles. You wouldn’t know how to appreciate calm until you’ve gone through torment. After living with the sound of bombshell besides his ears, he’d start to value the safety of home.”
“Fine. Fine. You know best.” His mother sighed, running her fingers through Yuzuru’s loose hair.
The cat begun screaming again, voice sharp and eerie. Yuzuru’s father cursed, “What is wrong with that damned cat? Rutting at this season.”
His mother ushered him out. “Don’t use that kind of language in front of the kid. Let’s discuss this outside.”
Yuzuru’s whole body burned, but the loud screaming calmed him. None of you understands the cat. He thought. Something is forcing him to scream. He has to scream as loud as he can, before he is swallowed up and burnt to dust.
His father’s worries were for naught. Yuzuru no longer wanted to die. His trouble was still there, but he understood that death was not the only solution. There had to be another answer, another way.
He’d find a meaning to this life. Didn’t Ibara have one? The unparalleled will for survival, perhaps Yuzuru could ask him about it if they ever meet again.
His blood burned in his veins as they circulated through his body. His lip was dry and cracked from dehydration, and hurt with splitting pain when he tried to move it. In the sound of the cat’s loud screaming, Yuzuru stretched his lips, exposing both rows of his teeth like a beast. Blood seeped from his cracked lips.
An eerie, vicious smile.
The cat’s screams came from between his teeth, from within his chest. It echoed and reverberated in this dim, child-sized tomb.
Screaming, and screaming.
For life.