Chapter Text
2 baddies (but only one porsche)
Written by rizzulusblack127
Chapter 2
Notes:
Yesterday I went on tiktok and I saw some of you FLAMING ME and calling me a "gay furry" because of what I previously said about shadow the hedgehog… I would just like to let my loyal readers know… these rumors ARE NOT TRUE. I AM NOT GAY. AND I AM NOT A FURRY. I AM STRAIGHT.
I also saw a few of you gay "people" call me "homophobic," because I said that the gays were annoying. First of all, what happened to respecting other people's opinions? Plus, my uncle is gay and I’m mostly not homophobic to him so I technically did NOTHING wrong.
anyways enjoy this chapter my beautiful stunning cinnamon rolls 😍😍😍💙💙💙💙💙💜💜💜💜💜
Peter Pettigrew. Who is he? What's his deal? Well, he doesn't really have one. It's honestly kind of sad how little his presence seems to matter to anybody. Sirius feels kind of bad for him, especially when he sees him stare longingly at their lunch table. Sirius also thinks he's kind of creepy, especially the staring. But James… sweet, caring James, always makes an effort to talk to him. That man really is too kind for his own good.
Everyone knows of Pettigrew. He serves food in the cafeteria, he supposedly cooks some of it, and it's damn good food.
But no one really knows him. I mean, they know he cooks at least. Is he an adult? Nah, he looks their age. So then why does he work in the cafeteria? Why is he not taking classes? It's a mystery, but not a mystery that anybody cares enough to solve. Because… it's Peter Pettigrew.
Hypothetically , Sirius thinks, If we were all secretly characters in that book I found in the library, which is a completely fucking batshit thing to think, and Peter Pettigrew was in that book, it kind of sounds like the author doesn't care enough to develop his character.
But obviously since it's impossible for someone to live in a book, there must be something more to Peter Pettigrew. Especially since Sirius Black apparently isn't insane and he isn't the only one who saw that wormhole. Because Peter saw it too.
Or maybe, Sirius and Peter are somehow both equally insane.
Or maybe it's the fact that Sirius has gotten 7 concussions in one week. Maybe that's why he saw a giant black hole in the sky. Maybe that's why he sees the future every now and then, maybe that's why chairs float now. But y'know, just to be safe… maybe he should ask Peter about that wormhole. Just to be safe.
That's what Sirius thinks to himself as he's laying in his hospital bed. That 7th concussion did a number on him. He physically can't move, and he knows this because he tries to. He's awake, he's been awake for hours, but for some reason he hasn't been able to open his eyes.
"He's alright then?"
"Yeah Reg, he's okay."
"Don't call me that."
Sirius can practically hear James grin.
"Who's stopping me?"
" I’m stopping you, because it’s a stupid name. Only Sirius calls me that."
"Doesn't he call you Reggie?"
"Both of those names are equally stupid."
There's an awkward silence that feels like an eternity, before James laughs.
"I think they're cute. I’m calling you Reg from now on, whether you like it or not."
Silence.
"I know you still care about him, y'know," James whispers. "And it's okay if you do! I mean, it's natural, isn't it? He's your brother-"
Regulus scoffs in that stuck up white rich boy way he always scoffs. Most people don’t genuinely scoff, but of course Regulus Black does.
"Just…" Reg exhales, probably rolls his eyes too.
"Maybe I do care about him. Just don't tell him I said that, okay?"
For a second, Sirius can't believe his ears. Did his brother just admit to caring about him? To James of all people? James Potter? That James?
"Alright alright, I won't, but I think he knows."
No I fucking didn't.
Suddenly, it feels as though a spell has been broken, and Sirius can finally open his eyes. Regulus, who was about to leave the room just seconds ago, stops abruptly in his tracks.
Regulus and James stare at each other for what feels like hours. They don’t say anything, they just look at one another. This goes on for about 10 seconds before Sirius clears his throat. There’s no way he’s going to be the third wheel in his own room. Well, hospital room, but it’s the same either way.
“Aw Reg, you care about me? Who would have thought? I thought you hated everyone.”
Regulus turns to look at his brother. His gaze is cold, nothing Sirius isn’t used to from him.
"You're probably not going to remember any of this in a minute," Regulus says, "but I just want you to know something. What I just said to James? About how I care about you? That was an obvious lie. Maybe don’t be so gullible next time."
Ignoring the twin shell-shocked expressions of the two best friends, Regulus smirks (kind of suggestively, to be honest) at James, mutters something about an author and promptly leaves, slamming his door on the way out. Sirius scowls at where Regulus was just standing.
“I can't believe I got stuck with that asshole as a brother. I mean, he’s so dramatic! Who did he get that from?”
"Padfoot. Be serious."
“I am Sirius.” James grins at him, and Sirius is reminded that Prongs truly is the only one to understand his extremely sophisticated sense of humor.
"That annoying little git…" Sirius continues, "I swear to God one day I'm gonna drown him. Or smother him in his sleep. Or push him out the window. Or-"
"God Padfoot, no need to start plotting a murder. He probably only said those things to you because he noticed you were awake. There’s no way he doesn’t care about you." James smiles that stupid goddamn smile of his and ruffles Sirius' hair. Sirius can't help but smile back, because how could you not smile at James Potter? He decides to drop the topic of conversation, no need for Regulus to ruin a lovely day in the hospital.
"How are you doing, Padfoot?" James asks.
"Quite well, actually, if you ignore the concussion and the fact that there's a giant, ugly bump on my head."
"Bit hard to ignore a giant bump on your head, huh? What will your fanclub say now that you’ve ruined your perfect face?"
"I'll just tell them I got my injuries from battling an evil monster. That’s way cooler than getting hit in the head 50 times with a ball. Plus, the people love a good hero, don’t they? What type of monster should I fight?”
“I dunno, a werewolf, maybe? People love werewolves.”
“And they love that Twilight type of shit, too. There are werewolves in that book, right? Maybe I'll tell them I'm a vampire now."
James leans back in his chair opposite the hospital bed. There’s a glint in his eye that Sirius knows all too well.
"You met a werewolf, huh?” James jokes.
“How'd you defeat him, then? Did you lose the battle?"
"Well you see, that poor werewolf ended up falling madly in love with me-“
“Which is unavoidable with you, isn’t it?”
“-and so of course we just had to get married immediately."
"Right, right, of course."
"He wasn't satisfying my needs, though, so I left him and took all his money with me. Sometimes I still miss him, late at night." Sirius sighs dramatically (where did Regulus get it, huh?)
"Wow, rich and a vampire. Sirius Black, you are quite the catch-"
Suddenly Sirius is in his dorm room.
So he does what he's been wanting to do for ages. He releases every ounce of pent up frustration that has been building up inside of him since that very first vision, since the first teleportation.
He screams.
And then he hears a click.
And because he can, he screams for a second time.
That is how Sirius Black decides that it is in his best interest to go see Peter Pettigrew. You know, just in case.
Peter Pettigrew has lived many lives. In all of them, Sirius Black has been extremely annoying.
And of course, in all of them, Sirius becomes self aware early on.
And in all of them, Sirius shows up at his door late at night to interrogate him. Boo hoo, I keep getting teleported all the time, Peter, please save me. Peter help me please, the chairs keep floating all the time. Peter please, I was making out with… someone (Peter can’t even bring himself to think his name, now that he’s… gone) and I heard this clicking noise and blah blah blah.
So when someone tries to break into Peter’s kitchen late at night, he knows exactly who the perpetrator is.
“ Go away Sirius, please, I am literally begging you to leave me alone. I’m too tired to deal with your shit right now. I will literally pay you to go away.”
Sirius chuckles like he thinks this is all very funny, and Peter almost kills himself right then and there.
“Ah, Peter, my dear friend! I’m rich, remember? You couldn’t pay me even a tenth of my net worth, and you're never going to get rid of me either. Anyway, how did you even know it was me?”
“How did I- BECAUSE IT'S ALWAYS YOU, SIRIUS. IT'S ALWAYS YOU.”
“Damn, alright, alright, my bad. Anyway, I know you're not a doctor, but I was wondering if you could diagnose me.”
“No.”
“No?” Sirius gasps.
The fucking audacity, Peter thinks to himself .
“How could you say no to me , Peter? I’m endlessly charming and good looking, I can’t possibly imagine how you could reject me like this-"
Sirius abruptly shuts up (thank the lord)… and then… his eyes travel to the book clutched to Peter's chest.
“ You’ve seen that book, too? 2 Baddies, but-"
Peter sighs, exasperated.
“But only one Porsche?”
Who the hell names a fanfic after an NCT song? And they didn’t even get the lyrics right.
“Yes! Yes, that's the title! I know that book has something to do with all this, I just know it!”
Sirius drops to his knees (wow I can’t even begin to imagine who Regulus got the dramatics from), and wrings his hands together like he's begging for money.
“Peter, you’ve got to believe me. I know you saw that wormhole earlier. You have to explain to me what this all means.” Sirius sounds rather desperate, and Peter almost pities him.
He is reminded of the AU where they were all cannibals (no he can’t explain that one).
He remembers Sirius and… him showing up at his door one day. Sirius got on his knees that day too. It was kind of pathetic, honestly.
They were so happy together, weren’t they?
Peter softens at the memory, despite himself.
“Look Sirius… I’ll… I’ll explain everything, all right?”
Sirius looks up at him, expectantly, waiting for him to continue. He kind of looks like a dog.
“Sirius Black, we are not living in the real world. We are living in a fanfiction.”
And, just like in all of those previous lives, Sirius bursts into laughter.
After Sirius is done laughing for 10 minutes straight, he takes a second to reflect on what Pettigrew just said.
A fanfiction. He said they’re living in a fanfiction. There’s literally no fucking way this guy is being for real right now.
“Peter. My buddy. My friend. Chum. Mate. Look into my eyes. You can not be serious right now.”
“I can't be serious because you're Sirius.”
“I already made that joke this chapter you dipshit.”
“Chapter? So you believe me?”
Sirius starts laughing again for a good 5 minutes before settling back down.
“No. Not a chance, man. I have literally never heard anything more bullshit than you telling me that this reality is a fanfiction. Except for maybe, I don’t know, just a shot in the dark here, if you told me that my brother was in love with James or something like that. Those are the two most bullshit things I can think of right now. I can literally not imagine anything more unlikely to be true than those two things.”
“You done yet?”
“You know what Peter, yeah, I am done with you.” Sirius turns on his heel to leave, but in the end he turns back around, curiously getting the better of him.
“Though hypothetically, just curious but, if we were living in a fanfiction, how would that even work? Like, what does that have to do with the giant wormhole I saw?”
At the mention of giant wormholes, Peter's face darkens.
“I don’t want to talk about the wormholes, Sirius. But I can explain everything else.”
Sirius has to bite back his laughter when Peter starts to explain things to him. It's pretty difficult not to laugh, because his "explanation" mostly just sounds like complete nonsense.
“There are two realities in this world, Onscreen and Offscreen. Onscreen is controlled entirely by the author. Everything that becomes a scene in the fanfiction we are living in counts as Onscreen, even if it's only something that's referenced. In the Onscreen scenes, you do not have any free will.”
Sirius looks momentarily shocked before he schools his expression back to neutrality.
“Wait so, all those times I wasn’t able to move or say what I wanted-“
“Those were all scenes in the fanfiction, written by the author, and they all happened onscreen.”
Sirius looks at Peter in a daze. If Peter really is taking the piss and making this all up, how did he know about Sirius not being able to talk or move?
“Offscreen,” Peter continues to explain, “characters, meaning, everyone in this world, can do whatever they want without the influence of the author. But once a scene starts, everything except the events of the Onscreen are forgotten. Basically, no one can remember what happens offscreen. It's a never ending cycle… unless if you become self aware.”
Sirius stares back at him in silence, and Peter waits for his brain to start working again. You need a lot of patience to deal with Sirius Black.
“Wait, so, when I’m not in a scene, I have my free will? But when I’m in a scene, I have to do whatever the author makes me do? “
“Yep.”
“But, what the hell do you mean, self aware? Like in the matrix or something?”
“If you're teleporting randomly, hearing that clicking noise, seeing random things float, and you are able to remember what happens in the Offscreen at all times, then you're self aware. And if you notice that you don’t have free will during a scene, then you're definitely self aware."
“So teleportation…”
“Is the story taking you wherever it needs you to be at the time.”
“And the clicking?”
“There are certain scenes that are less important, that usually don’t center around you. In these scenes, you get free will, but if you act too out of character then the scene just gets reset. For example, you start bringing up how you keep hearing weird clicking, or scream in the middle of the common room, and the scene will get reset. That’s what the clicking noise means. It’s like a backspace bar.”
“And the floating shit?”
“The floating is caused by the story glitching. This isn’t the real world, so it’s natural for things to act… unnaturally.”
“ This isn't the real world?"
"Dude, yes obviously this isn't the real world. We're characters in a fanfiction, not living, breathing, people. We have an author who literally writes dialogue for us."
Sirius takes a second to take that all in before bouncing back. He doesn't seem too shaken up about any of this, surprisingly.
"And the visions? What do they mean?”
Silence.
“The what?”
“The visions. Sometimes I get visions that things will happen… and then they happen. Like when Regulus spilled his lunch, or when I got hit in the head with a football, or when I got hit in the head with a football, or when I got hit in the head with a football, or when I got-“
“Don’t you mean soccer ball?”
“What, no Peter we’re fucking British why would I mean to say soccer ball…nevermind. Just explain why I keep getting visions.”
For a moment, Peter doesn't respond, a thoughtful look on his face.
“Visions? I’ve never seen anybody have visions before. Well, except for Sybil.”
“Who’s Sybil?”
“My girlfriend.”
“You have a girlfriend? That’s great man!”
“She’s dead.”
“Oh. Anyway, enough about you, you're telling me that I’m the main character of a fanfiction?”
“I literally never said you were the main character.”
“But I am, right?”
Peter stares at him. Then he grins.
“Yes, Sirius. Yes, you are the main character. Definitely.”
“I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER?”
Sirius lights up in a smile. If James is the sun, then Sirius could give him a run for his money.
“You're the one who said it first, not me.”
“Who’s my love interest, then, if I really am the main character?”
At this, Pettigrew's face… changes. His brow furrows, like he's trying to decide what to say. In the end, he just shrugs.
“Who knows, probably someone ugly and irritating. Like you!”
Fortunately for Sirius, he's too caught up in his own world to notice the insult. Sirius smiles back at Peter for the millionth time.
“Right, I also hope my love interest is just like me. He’s probably super hot and interesting. Thanks Peter!”
And just like that, without a clue in the fucking world, Sirius skips out of his kitchen.
Peter can’t help but chuckle. He neglected to mention that the only way to become self aware was to have a giant fucking ego. Only someone truly full of themselves becomes self aware.
Naturally, someone completely in love with themselves tends to automatically assume they’re the main character.
Sometimes, they're right.
In this case, it’s not true.
There's a nook, in the library. It goes unnoticed by everyone, and even if someone did notice it, they would just forget about it anyway. It's small, but not abandoned. There are paints and pens scattered everywhere.
There are drawings scattered all over the floor, paint spilled haphazardly on the ground, and an ashtray on the windowsill.
The paintings, the drawings, they're all of Sirius Black.
And there’s a moonflower on the ground.