Chapter Text
Emily had to take a moment to let everything sink in when she woke from her slumber. Her body's need for sleep and rest had temporarily overtaken her brain's need to overthink.
When she glanced at the clock she was surprised to have found she had managed to succumb to three hours of consecutive, unbroken sleep. It's was the longest stretch of slumber she had been afforded since her medically induced coma during her recovery.
She felt like she had finally woken up from a horrific nightmare, only to realise that's exactly what was happening. Emily realistically knew it wasn't over yet, she still had all the fallout to deal with. She knew the lasting effects would take weeks, months, possibly even years to fully unravel. As bad as things had been, the comming weeks would be worse, before things could begin to get better.
While she knew she was nowhere near fully rested, it would have to be enough for now.
His death was only supposed to have left her only with a sense of relief, she didn't have to run or hide anymore. He had made his bed, she thought she would just happy to finally see him lie in, knowing the worst was over.
But she wasn't relieved, too many lives had been lost for nothing. His death didn't erase or begin to fix the blood that had been shed in his wake. Emily knew she would soon have to truly face the lives lost in Doyle's rampage. That she finally could try to make time to mourn her losses and say goodbye to the friends/loved ones she lost in this long drawn out battle.
What she hadn't been prepared for or even considered was dealing with the loss of her own life. It was an issue that would become ingrained in her mind, haunting her unconsciously when she least expected it. Yet her minds natural response to compartmentalize her own feelings, meant she wasn't near ready to work through her own personal minefield.
Emily knew she was lucky to be alive, she was grateful, but she wondered what it had cost. Would she be able to repair the damage, the hurt, could she mend the bonds of trust or had they been stretched to past their limits. She wasn't sure what she would do if the damage was irreversible, if the team couldn't or wouldn't forgive her.
She hadn't thought any of it through, she had honestly expected to be dead. And that made her feel worse knowing the pain and hurt she had left in her wake. Emily wholeheartedly understood the havoc she caused, she couldn't fault them in their hesitance to welcome her back with open arms. She wasn't sure she deserved any of the forgiveness or kindness that had already been extended towards her since her return.
That didn't mean she didn't crave it, that she wouldn't covet it, or protect whatever morsel or tidbit they could give her. Hell the familiarity of this space they shared, the mere concept of their presence, while it didn't feel completely tangible, it was more than she had the last 7 months.
Emily just wished she had known years ago the extent of what she had signed on for, the toll it would all eventually take. That everyone she worked with or for at the time, would leave or in betray her in some way, that Ian Doyle's capture in Tuscany, his imprisonment, the whole case, all of it was riddled with lies.
The only thing won was Declan's freedom. But at what cost? How many people had lost their lives, while countless others mourned their loved ones. It pained Emily to think, to know from experience, what they may have possibly felt in their last moments.
She hoped none of them had felt as cold and alone as she had. That they had been afforded more than the desolate darkness she had seen in what she had truly thought was out there waiting for her.
She hoped that if there was an afterlife, then Sean had been reunited with his family. That his wife and daughter hadn't seen violence or felt pain when they died. They had been innocent and unnecessary casualties in this battle, used to cruelly torment and unfairly punish her friend.
It broke Emily knowing Sean had been hopeless, lured by false promises of his family's survival. Only to watch them die in vain. She knew he would have placed blame on himself, but Emily knew, it was her own hands that would be forever stained with their blood.
Emily couldn't absolve herself of the guilt of their deaths. Or of Tsia's or Louise's. And she would have to live with that, knowing she survived while they all died.
Declan was finally free and clear and she had accomplished the promise she had made to herself all those years ago. She only wished Louise had gotten a chance to taste the sweet bit of true freedom she had fought so long to help her secure for them.
Emily mourned for the loss the woman who had been the only true parent Declan Doyle had ever actually had. She had loved him unconditionally and given him every advantage she could, had kept him safe until her bitter end. Emily couldn't have been more proud that Declan had been raised by such a strong, moral, selfless, hardworking, admirable woman.
Louise gave her life to protect an innocent boy she loved as her son. And God she had done a wonderful job raising him, instilling morals and keeping him safe, happy, and healthy. She had given up everything and never gotten a chance to live free of the constant fear that had dictated her life for much too long.
Emily knew she hadn't even acknowledged or begun to unpack the other casualty of Doyle's vendetta. It hurt her heart to think about Tsia's death. When she closed her eyes she pictured her last memory of Tsia with a bullet hole between her haunted, lifeless eyes. Emily could still remember the look of shock left on her mouth. Her skin ashen and pale, a dull shade that had no business existing on her face.
In alot of ways JJ reminded Emily of Tsia. The way she carried herself, trusted and was supportive and caring to others. Yet, Emily had gotten Tsia killed, she made her doubt Clyde, convincing them split up. Emily couldn't help wondering if her friend would have lived had she been with Clyde.
Tsia had put her trust in Emily, and Emily had been wrong to doubt her old colleague and friend. While Clyde Easter was a selfish, charismatic, egotistical bloke, who loved to showboat, he wasn't her enemy.
Jeremy had been, the signs were there. But Sean and even more Clyde had lied about Doyle's imprisonment and so many other things while she had been undercover. They were the ones who encouraged her to go deeper, to collect more intell. They kept telling her they didn't have enough.
Part of Emily wished she had never had to seen her lifeless body in the flesh, but a bigger part of her blamed her self for her friend's demise. Sure Tsia had been an agent and member of JTF-12, but the other woman hadn't deserved an ending like this. Especially after being sold out and betrayed the man she loved.
Seeing her friend's cooling corpse in the flesh, was part of her penance. Emily knew it was now a core memory that would remind her of the horrors and risks in the life she lived. She vowed to herself to never let any of her BAU teammates suffer the same fate if she could somehow take their place.
In another life, Emily wished she would have been enough for Declan, to have had a chance to be his mom, had life given them different circumstances. But as things currently were she knew he would be better off without her.
As much as she loved the boy he had been, and the young man he was quickly becoming, she would only hinder him. She didn't want to be the constant reminder of every moment that had gone wrong in his life.
Plus Emily knew right now she was too psychologically damaged to prioritize him and be the person he needed in his life. She didn't want to abandon him or anything to that extent, but Emily knew she currently wasn't enough, she wasn't who or what he needed in life right now.
Her life itself was up in the air, the whole rest of the world still thought she was among the dead. Her life, her job, her friends/family, her mental health, it was all too unstable to provide what he needed and deserved. Letting him go now was a fulfilling her promise to herself that he would get a happy and safe life, and in the end, that was all that mattered.
She couldn't uproot him from the familiarity of the life he built with Louise and whatever stability he had left. He deserved to finish his school with his friends, to live in the place his mom had built a home for him. Emily made the tough decision to keep Declan in Tom's primary care.
While Tom Kohler had been his handler, he had also been a constant in Declan's life the last decade. Emily had chosen Tom all those years ago because she knew he was admirable, moral, and loyal, that he could be trusted to do right by Declan.
The two had met in college, where they were partnered for debate in their freshman Philosophy and the Science of Human Nature course. He was passionate and opinionated and saw the world as it should be, full of more selflessness, kindness, and peace. While they had differed on the merits of each philosopher, they believed in many of the same things.
They both lived busy lives, after college the two of them had kept in touch, visiting each other when they could. With her undercover assignments taking her out of contact for odd periods and Tom's confidential work as U.S. Marshall, they saw each other much less than either would have liked.
The minute she realised she needed an unconventional extraction plan with no ties to the JTF, Tom was the first and only person she considered asking for help. Emily knew he was a decent, honourable man, she could trust with something or someone so important to her. Declan had become a bright, kind, happy, well adjusted young man, thanks to Tom and Louise.
She was glad she had the forethought to leave Declan out of all her reports for JTF-12, it had been the smartest thing she had done while working for the taskforce. Entrusting his safety afterwards into a detached, outside source, had been the right move.
She would have loved nothing more to have been Declan's mom, but to Emily his safety and happiness, had always meant more to her than anything else. She had accomplished the one thing she promised herself she would do, since the moment she knew the truth about Declan's parentage all those years ago.
While it was too late to be his mom now, Louise had done a wonderful job fulfilling that role, Emily hoped she would have more contact with him now that it was safe. That maybe she could at least be a cool aunt or adult figure he got to see and talk to on a more regular basis.
Emily knew one day Declan would have questions, once he worked through things, and she wanted to be mentally ready to help him navigate those difficult topics and feelings. And maybe she could share the good memories of his father too. And he could tell her his fondest memories of his life with his mom.
Until then Emily wanted to reacclimate herself with her old life or some semblance of what remained of it. She knew it wouldn't be easy stepping into her old shoes, they might not fit right and be a little worse for wear. But she knew it was part of something she needed to see through in order to heal herself.