Chapter Text
Hira had hugged another boy, voluntarily, Hira had hugged someone else. Kiyoi felt his head spinning and his heart clenching as he watched Hira hugging Shoto with a huge smile on his face. Kiyoi tried to look away but he couldn’t, he felt like his eyes were glued to them, unable to stop looking at this hurtful sight but also unable to take it. Hira was hugging someone else, and he looked so happy, so cute, in someone else’s arms. Kiyoi knew this was ridiculous, it was just a friendly hug and for everyone in the room it was very harmless, but not for him, not knowing Hira and how much he hated being touched by anyone except Kiyoi. Not when he had spent so long thinking Hira would only ever look at him, smile for him, hug him, only for the harsh realization that it was all just a selfish wish, to crash onto him like that. Sure, Shoto had hugged Hira at the fan meeting once, but it had lasted for a split second and Hira had not hugged back, he had stood completely still, enduring it silently with horror and pain written all over his face. But now, now Hira had hugged him back, and this was Kiyoi’s worst nightmare.
And then they separated and Kiyoi saw Hira turning towards him, and he turned his head immediately. He couldn’t let Hira see him like that, it would ruin his night and all his efforts, he couldn’t do that. And he also couldn’t find the strength in himself to pretend he wasn’t hurt and to pretend that he was only very happy and proud of his boyfriend. Sure, he was proud, heck, he was the proudest, but he was also very mad, at himself, at Hira and at this stupid Shoto! He couldn’t really accept the way Hira had for the first time felt quite away from him, ready to slip between his fingers, so close to falling for another man, so close to another man.
After a while, Kiyoi turned back, only to find Shoto’s arm still around Hira’s waist and his fists clenched on their own, he adverted his eyes again, trying not to let it get to him, but it was already too late. The show ended, he went to stand beside Hira, not looking at him, he held his hand and bowed, multiple times, feeling the other’s eyes on him but unable to reciprocate the look. Then the curtain went down and he walked away, to the fitting room to change his clothes to something more comfortable, and he could feel Hira following him. He quickly entered the room and closed the door behind himself, hearing Hira sighing and what he identified as him sliding down the door to sit on the floor, probably waiting for him. So, Kiyoi made a quick job at changing himself, not wanting to let Hira on his own much longer.
Once he walked out, he immediately knew that he had been right as he saw the boy sitting right beside the door with a pout on his face.
“What’s the matter?”
He asked, trying to sound nonchalant. He had calmed himself down in the fitting room, bringing himself to ignore what had happened on stage and settle on punishing Hira later on at home. Home… Gosh, how he wished they could go right now and imagine the whole world around didn’t exist. How he wished they could just pretend none of this had happened and Hira was still only his. Kiyoi was scared of what could possibly happen, scared Hira would detach himself even if he knew it would probably never happen. He was scared Hira would be upset about tonight and start to hate him because he couldn’t keep his emotions in check and had ruined his night. He still tried to smile at Hira, trying to lighten the mood, but the other still had a frown on his face.
“You seemed upset…”
Hira whispered, looking down. Kiyoi knew that Hira would notice it right away even though he had tried his best to hide it, because that’s just how his boyfriend is. But still, he didn’t think he would be so upset about it. He was always impressed by the way Hira loved him so much. It was a pure love, devotion, adoration and even the slightest frown from Kiyoi would immediately be noticed and analyzed and he knew that Hira must have been tormenting himself with this. If Kiyoi was angry, then Hira was immediately angry too, if Kiyoi was sad, so was Hira. Kiyoi extended his arm and affectionately ruffled his hair, looking him in the eyes. He felt quite reassured knowing that his boyfriend loved him so much and cared so much about him, to the point that he almost forgot about the whole Shoto incident.
“I guess I was just nervous because it was the last representation. You did a quite good job by the way.”
Kiyoi said, looking slightly down. He wasn’t confident enough to face Hira when complimenting him because he knew the other would have this incredibly bright smile and excited puppy eyes and he couldn’t bring himself to look at him, fearing that he would do or say something stupid. He hadn’t the confidence and courage Hira had to say whatever was going through his mind and confess his feelings as one would breathe. He hated how Hira could make him shy so easily. He wasn’t easily flustered, but Hira just had to look at him and express his feelings honestly as he always did and it was the end for him. And right now, he could tell that Hira’s frown had long vanished and that the boy was overly excited by the praise.
“R-really?”
He asked hopeful. Kiyoi wanted to nod and kiss him right there and then but before he could control his body, he flicked Hira’s forehead and quickly added.
“Don’t get too cocky!”
But he knew that Hira was still smiling and had gotten the message anyway. Because Hira always understood him so well. And he loved him even more for that, Hira was always beside him, no matter how stupid he could be, Hira was just always there, understanding and loving. But before he could add anything else, an arm sneaked around Hira’s shoulders and Shoto appeared before him.
“Kiyoi! Why are you hurting our precious fan?”
He had asked it jokingly, but Kiyoi was absolutely not finding it funny. He immediately felt pissed again, how could he say “our”? Hira was not his, not “their”, he was Kiyoi’s and Kiyoi’s only! He was even angrier when Shoto checked Hira’s forehead, lifting up his bangs to inspect it.
“Okay, no bruise, that’s good.”
Then, he looked down, meeting Hira’s eyes who had been looking at him confused. Hira was not used to proximity and wasn’t expecting Shoto to randomly arrive and touch him, so he was a bit startled, and when he was startled, well, he was paralyzed. They looked in each other’s eyes for what felt like hours for Kiyoi. And before he could control himself, he grabbed Hira’s chin, forcing him to look his way.
“Hira, eyes on me.”
He had said it harshly, almost growling it, more to Shoto than Hira, he knew that Hira always had his eyes on him, but he had needed to remind him, make sure he wouldn’t forget it, and that Shoto would get the hind and leave. But no, Shoto had stayed, even more confused, his stupid arm still wrapped around Hira’s shoulders.
“Huh, do you know each other?”
He had asked it innocently, and that’s what pissed Kiyoi even more. Of course, they knew each other, they were dating, and Hira was madly in love with him and him only so Shoto had to take his fucking arm off now! But he couldn’t say it, so, he just nodded his head, maintaining eye contact with Hira.
“We were in the same High School…”
He simply stated the truth, but he still felt his heart clenching and aching to say more, to say the whole truth.
“Oh, I see, high school buddies! That’s cool! Do you have pictures? I really want to see what Hira looked like as a student!”
And Kiyoi knew it shouldn’t piss him off that bad, but he couldn’t help it. Student Hira was his, it was a side of Hira only him should get to see, and no one else, it was his! Hira was his! And this stupid moron shouldn’t see him like that, he had no right, he wasn’t Hira’s boyfriend, he wasn’t in love with him as Kiyoi was, he had no right! And before he knew it, because his body had decided to act on his own tonight, Kiyoi was pushing Shoto’s arm away, pulling Hira close to him.
“No, I don’t! I’m tired Hira, let’s go!”
And he tried to drag Hira towards him but Shoto stopped him and he really wanted to punch him by now.
“Wait! Hira, let me get your number, I really wanna stay in touch with you, you seem really nice and interesting!”
Hira’s brows rose up and he quickly looked at Kiyoi for confirmation of what he should do, but when the other one only adverted his eyes, too busy trying to stop himself from committing a real murder, he sighed and shily nodded. After all, Shoto was Kiyoi’s coworker, it wouldn’t be nice of him to decline, and maybe he could get extra pictures of Kiyoi working. So, he took Shoto’s phone and put his number in, giving it back with a small smile and nod. Then, Kiyoi grabbed his hand and clutched it tightly, dragging him to the door as quickly as possible. They bid goodbye to all the people they met on their way and before they knew it, they were in a taxi, on their way home. Inside the car, it was silent, none of them daring to talk. Hira was confused. As to why Kiyoi had decided to leave so suddenly. And Kiyoi was trying to calm himself down, not wanting to take his anger out on Hira.
Once at home, Kiyoi pushed him in the living room, already taking his coat and shoes off.
“A-Are you mad?”
Hira asked timidly, not wanting to upset Kiyoi even more. He didn’t understand everything but he wasn’t stupid, he knew something was wrong with Kiyoi ever since Shoto had appeared.
“What do you think?”
The words had come out way harsher than he had intended but he couldn’t control it, he was really mad.
“Why would you give him your number, huh?”
He asked, his voice raising as he turned around. He saw the way Hira flinched, looking down in shame and fear, and Kiyoi hated it. He didn’t want to scare him, he didn’t want to make him feel bad but why the heck would he give his number to a total stranger?
“I-I-I…”
And Hira was back on stuttering and Kiyoi felt even worse because he knew it meant that the boy was very nervous right now.
“I thought it would put you in a bad position as he is your senior…”
Hira simply said, still not looking up. Kiyoi sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Hira was so damn cute, and this was the whole problem, Hira was cute and other people had noticed it and now what? What if Hira started to look up at Shoto the way he did with him, what if he started to admire him and love him too? Then what would Kiyoi do? All he had was Hira… He had no one else, no real friends, no family as they wouldn’t support him… he had no one else. And even if he had other options, he didn’t want them, he wanted Hira and Hira only. He didn’t want to let him go, didn’t want to see him go away with another man, even if it was selfish, even if it meant that he was just being an asshole, he couldn’t let Hira go, he really couldn’t. And just the idea was enough to bring tears in his eyes that he quickly chased away by blinking rapidly.
“You didn’t have to do that… He was clearly hitting on you…”
Hira’s head sprung up, looking offended and utterly surprised. He had never had anyone hitting on him except for his friend in University and Kiyoi. And he didn’t find himself attractive enough to make people interested in him.
“W-what? No, never!”
And Kiyoi sighed once again. Because Hira could obviously not see what anyone else could see perfectly, Hira was gorgeous, he was handsome, and very nice and anyone could only dream to have a boyfriend like him, but he was Kiyoi’s only.
“You’re such an idiot I swear! He has been hitting on you all night! Taking your hand, caressing your shoulder, hugging you! And now you even gave him your number! He’ll definitely think that you’re interested!”
Kiyoi said, not controlling his voice as he yelled out his thoughts. He couldn’t control his emotions, not when it meant that Hira could possibly drift away, not when he had endured this all night. But he still felt bad voicing them out as he realized just how possessive and idiot he sounded.
“Do you know how frustrating it was to see him all over you and you not doing or saying anything? You could have said you were taken or that you weren’t interested! But maybe you were interested maybe that’s why you didn’t turn him down!-”
Kiyoi started rambling, saying things without taking the time to think them through, just letting his insecurities talking.
“No!”
Hira yelled, throwing himself at Kiyoi’s foot.
“I would never be interested in anyone else! No one but you! You’re the only one! I didn’t know he was flirting with me, I thought he was being friendly! I’ll turn him down I promise, please don’t hate me!”
He begged, and Kiyoi could swear he was crying at this point. He crouched down to Hira’s level, taking him in his arms.
“Stupid, I would never hate you! I wouldn’t date you if I could hate you that easily! You didn’t do anything bad, it was him… And me… I’m sorry…”
And Kiyoi really felt like a total prick, because, in the end, he had ruined Hira’s night… he had made him cry and apologize for something so stupid. For Kiyoi’s own jealousy.
“I just wanted to make you proud… I even imagined that he was you to bring me some courage on stage…”
Hira said softly, going limp in Kiyoi’s arms. And Kiyoi could feel a wave of relief washing over him. So, it was the reason behind why Hira had looked at him like that and smiled at him as he would do to Kiyoi, it was because he had imagined that he was Kiyoi. Just like Kiyoi would imagine Hira’s face every time he had to make a confession. This was just Hira looking at him, and not at Shoto.
“I’m… I’m proud of you, you were really handsome on stage, and you said your lines perfectly, it was impressive… And I’m sorry for getting angry… I just didn’t like how close he was and because I couldn’t tell him we’re dating… I’m sorry…”
Kiyoi said it shyly, he knew Hira wanted to hear this more than anything else and he really wanted to make it up to him at this point. He wanted the other boy to know that all his hard work was appreciated, even if he couldn’t voice it very well. And he wanted to apologize for making him think he had done something wrong. It wasn’t Hira’s fault, it was Kiyoi’s insecurities and conflicted heart. He felt very helpless considering he couldn’t do anything except watch as another man was hitting on his boyfriend and this made him feel hopeless and jealous.
“Do you… do you wanna go to bed?”
Kiyoi asked timidly, adverting his eyes, he could feel Hira’s warm smile illuminating the room.
“Of course!”
Hira had answered immediately, standing up and walking to their bedroom. Kiyoi grabbed his hand, looking down as he bit his lip out of nervousness.
“We can… we can do it if you want…”
And before he could even add anything else, he felt Hira carrying him in his arms as he ran to their bedroom without wasting a single second. Kiyoi tried to repress a laugh as he hit his shoulder lightly.
“Idiot! Don’t be so excited!”
Hira only laughed, falling on the bed with Kiyoi still in his arms.
“I’m sorry, it’s just that I love you so much! I’m so happy!”
Kiyoi smiled back, already forgetting all the previous events, maybe he could make Hira’s night nice again, maybe all they needed was the both of them and the intimacy of their home, knowing no one could threaten their love here. And Kiyoi would need to work on his jealousy because he couldn’t take his anger out on Hira all the time, he needed to trust him more and explain to him that people would hit on him from time to time and he just needed to turn them down. And Hira would need to work on the fact that he could not just forgive Kiyoi every damn time, he needed to make him work for it a little bit more at least, but this would be for another time, now they were just happy, giggling as they looked in each other’s eyes, feeling warm in the comforting and loving atmosphere of their home and in each other’s arms.
“I love you too.”