Chapter Text
Marcy grabbed Sasha’s wrists when she felt it. The blood. The blood that was now spread across both their faces. They pulled themself away from Sasha immediately. All Marcy could do was stare blankly at Sash, who seemed to be paralyzed in the moment, too, until she abruptly announced that they were going to step out for a minute.
“Wait, Marcy, do you want a tissue or-”
“I’m fine!” she responded as she took her jacket out of the closet, covered her nose with her arm and left in a rush.
Marcy hurried down the stairs and walked out the front of the apartment building. She started shuffling through her pockets only to find an empty box of cigarettes, which they threw to the ground out of frustration. Marcy proceeded to bury their face into their hands and sit on the ground, in a pathetic attempt to ease the pain.
Smoking was one of the ‘easy routes’ Marcy found themself taking, more often than not. But she found that it was the only thing that helped with this; whatever this was. Her best guess was that it was some fucked up product of head trauma caused by The Core. At times, though, she suspected that, to some extent, The Core itself never truly left them, especially when these episodes she experienced were at their worst and Marcy would no longer recongnize their own thoughts. She concluded that it was likely to be a mix of both theories.
These instances usually consisted of extreme chills, an excruciating headache and then a nosebleed that usually lasted for an uncomfortable amount of time, if it was one of the worse days, she felt a sort of dissociation that could sometimes last hours long. To top it all off, there was never any pattern to them either, which obviously made it all the more difficult to deal with.
But she never made it known to anyone - which she knew, of course, would only lead them down the path of self-destruction but ultimately, she knew there was no one who could take them seriously. After all, she didn’t take herself seriously anymore either, and it wasn’t like they even had anyone to talk to anymore. She didn’t deserve to, anyways.
Lost in their own thoughts, Marcy was quite startled when she felt an elbow bumping against her own. She was relieved to see that it was just Sasha sitting next to her when they looked up. He was holding out a tissue with a soft smile spread across her face. Marcy accepted it with a slightly trembling hand.
“Thanks, Sashy.”
Sasha just watched over Marcy as she wiped the red off of their face. Marcy recognized that look, the same worried look Sasha would give her all those years ago, when she was just some clumsy kid who couldn’t take care of herself, one who solely depended on their friends’ protection. She wanted to let Sasha know it wasn’t like that anymore but they knew Sash only had their best interests in mind, so she didn’t bother to mention it. What puzzled Marcy was why she looked at her so innocently all over again, after what they did, as if there was no such a thing, as if everything was normal and always had been between them.
Before Marcy could think, her mouth did the talking as if it had a mind of its own, “Why did you kiss me?”
Sasha let out a breathless laugh before replying, “I mean, who wouldn’t?”
Marcy felt herself blushing, then playfully pushed Sasha and scoffed, “Seriously.”
Sasha stared directly into Marcy’s eyes and lowered her tone, “I meant it when i said I missed you, Marce. And I’m sorry- I’m so sorry I never-”
“What are you saying?” Marcy interrupted, visibly confused.
Sasha’s expression seemed just to emulate the same, but she continued anyway, “I know you probably think I’m… playing some game with you and I don’t blame you. I guess I should’ve tried harder to be better, to seem approachable, to just simply be a better friend. I can’t- I can’t blame you for distancing yourself from me, I should have reached out more often because… you have never once left my thoughts.”
Sasha paused momentarily and took a deep breath, ”I care about you, Marcy, okay? More than you’ll ever know, I guess. It’s not like it used to be, I wouldn’t lie to you. I really like you, but it’s completely understandable if- if you don’t feel the same way.”
Marcy couldn’t possibly feel more guilt-stricken. She couldn’t believe the words they had just heard. They couldn’t live knowing this is the effect she had on her friends’ lives and not telling them. Marcy looked away before speaking.
“I lied to you, Sasha,” she said in barely a whisper.
Sasha placed his hand on their shoulders and Marcy faced her, “Marcy… you were just a kid.”
‘Just a kid’. As if that made it any less fucked up.
“And I’ve been lying ever since, Sasha!” Marcy went from whispering to practically yelling at that point. “It was never you, it was my fault. I fucked up, okay? It was just one lie after another. I never wanted you guys to worry about me, so I lied about all those times I would be busy with friends, or with school even- I dropped out at fifeteen. I was just so tired. I was so alone. And no matter how many times I tried, I could never get close to anyone. Nobody should have to endure my lies and how fucking selfish and- and how fucking screwed up I am. I’m sorry and there’s no need for you to be. There was never a reason for you to apologize”
Marcy couldn’t even look Sasha in the eye. She just wanted to disappear forever, it would be better that way. For everyone. Except for Sasha, it seemed, who kept persisting that all was well. He took a few lone strands of Marcy’s hair and began to braid them and started speaking in a soft voice, “I’m sorry that you had to go through that all alone, Marce.”
Marcy only became agitated at this though, “Sasha, I am not one of your patients.” she snapped and then quickly put a hand over her mouth. She was quite shocked with herself, in all honesty.
“As much as you might think so, I don’t usually sit outside in the freezing cold whilst I braid my patients’ hair. Let alone, make out with them.”
“It’s not that cold.” Marcy muttered.
Sasha teetered her hand from side to side and made a “hmm” sound. That made Marcy crack a smile for some stupid reason. That smile quickly turned into a sudden involuntary sob, though.
Well, this feels violating.
They could barely breathe anymore, could barely see anything, could barely hear anything. Her heart raced at the speed of light, it seemed. Then again, these discomfort were nothing new; she knew the signs of a panic attack all too well. Before Sasha even had the chance to help out, like he knew how to, Marcy just had the urge to shout at her.
“Fuck, Sasha, why aren’t you fucking angry? Why are you doing this to me?”
Sasha rested her hand on Marcy’s trembling arm and gazed into her eyes, silently asking for permission. Marcy nodded.
“Marce, can you try counting to five with me?”
Marcy knew the drill. They nodded again and started counting routinely. To her own surprise, it actually helped. Probably because this time was different, this time it was Sasha who grounded her. That thought sat with her as she reached the number five.
"I'm not going to give you the reward of punishing yourself, Marce."
Marcy simply rested her head on Sasha's shoulder and let out a trembling sigh.
The two sat there in the cold and for what felt like forever, together again at last.
Marcy felt that she might be able to rest easy for the first time in a very long time.
"You up for a game of chess, Sash?"
"Always."